Ralph Waldo Emerson

"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us. "

Agent Rossi

Scars remind us where we've been. They don't have to dictate where we're going.

Basking.

I work at 330 today. Best part of my day is relaxing laying on the couch watching Canada play Russia in World Juniors. It's so nice that no one can bother me and I have time to just relax. I registered for school this morning finally after the stupid cash office took my hold off. So hopefully it will be all good. I'm pretty nervous about this semester so I'm excited to have a few days off before it starts.

Bad timing.

I mentioned KH the other day. In a discussion with JM I realized something.
Me: he's good looking, good teeth, incredible eyes, nice truck, taller than me, complete sweetheart, got his life together.
JM: why don't you bang him?
Me: he's husband material. He is literally everything I would want in a man. The issue is me. I'm not ready for wife hood. I don't want a boy that could be a serious prospect. I want a boy that in a year and a half when I graduate will just be a supportive friend. Not someone who makes me wanna stay.

Sunday funday nerd style

Yeah I'm laying in bed watching Harry Potter like a boss.

I deserve to shine.

I honestly can't describe how happy I am to be back in leth. Away from everyone. Worrying about me. My family (not including momma) just don't understand. This place isn't me running away. It's a place for me to be myself. A place where who I am is who I choose to be. Not who I used to be or who my friends are or who my sisters are who my parents are. There's a difference between running away and forging your own path. This is my life and my journey and I'm not going to feel guilty for that.
I got tired of holding myself back so I didn't outshine you. So I left.

Content.

I wish I could lay in bed all day. It's so nice to be in bed and not doing anything. Just relaxing. In my own bed. No one to bother me. I really wish I didn't have to work and could spend the whole day.

Want this tattoo baaad

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. The courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

Always love, love always.

It's funny you know. I am in a place where I'm better than okay, great in fact. I texted number twelve merry Christmas last night and he answered me but I never saw until this morning. And it made me smile to see he'd answered, he cares. I think that's what's do hard about us. There's a love that's always going to be there between us. Despite everything or perhaps in spite of everything we've been through. And I still get a funny feeling in my stomach when I talk to him. That's not normal after being broken up 2 and a half years. I think that's troubling. I only get to the point of being okay or well when we are completely removed from one another's lives because there's always something still there when we are involved.
This frightens me because what do I do when I fall for someone else and then I see him or speak to him. It's not fair to do that. Is this always going to be like this?

It's complicated.

And then of course I said merry Christmas to number twelve. I just texted him, we haven't spoken in exactly 14 weeks. I knew that I'd regret it if I didn't say it. I would regret not being the bigger person and swallowing my pride because it is Christmas and I really do wish the best for him. I want him to be happy, I want him to find love and live life to its very fullest. And that's hard for me a little bit because I wanted to be that love so badly. But at this point in my life, I'm just not. I'm not that love and I might never be. And that's okay with me because I'm young and I have so much life to live. I have so many things I want to accomplish in my life and none of those things are around here. I have things I want to find and people I want to meet and places I want to go. And so does he. So for the first time I've ever really been okay with it, I want him to find a love and a life without me. The happiest kind. Because at the end of the day I will always love him. He will always be my first real love.

I found a good one.

So I was talking the other day about KH I think and he came for Christmas dinner tonight. He's a complete sweetheart. He helped the other day, tomorrow he's fixing the fireplace and bathroom and tonight he was playing hockey on the ground with monkey and he helped with dishes. He is so nice like actually.
It seems so weird to me. I don't even know boys that nice. He like holds the door and calls me dear and waits for me to go first. He brought me a blanket when I was cold tonight.
I didn't think people like that existed. I know my family likes him and they've mentioned like why aren't you into him. He's good looking, taller than me, has his life together, nice truck, he's older and wants a more mature relationship.
He's one of the good ones.
I'm just worried the timing is off.

Independence.

My mom has been single for years now. And awhile back she told me it's okay to be independent but it's okay to need people too, you don't have to be alone. For the first time, I really understood what she meant last night. I went to PD's party and I showed up alone and then I did something for AM. PW came with me on the errand for AM and as we were walking to my vehicle he's like I can drive if you want? And I'm like you're wasted? I think I'll take my chances. The roads were super terrible so I get why he offered but I was like it's fine. I'm a good driver, I do this a lot. And then my wind shield wiper was covered in ice so I pulled over to clean it off. He's like do you want me to do it? I'm like no I can it's fine.
When I got back in the car he's like you're like really... Really... And I'm like really what? Independent? And he's like yes.
Well I'm so sorry for you that I'm not a needy girl. I think that's something that intimidates men. They want to feel needed and I get that because we all want to feel needed. But can I at least choose what I need from a man? Like I want that one day but I'm also not afraid to live my life without a boy. In a lot of ways, it's much easier alone.
Is it wrong that I need a man for sex and cuddling anytime I want? That's what I need from a man in my life. The rest are just things I want. I maintain the belief that I want a man to take care of me but I don't want to need him to take care of me. That's a major difference. I want a man around that wants to do things for me not that needs to because I can't. And sure he can mow the lawn or fix the car if that tickled his fancy but I want it to be because he wants to, not because he feels he needs to.

I heard that you're doing well.

Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead.

How many heartaches must I stand.

Can't hurry love. No, you just have to wait. They say love don't come easy, it's a game of give and take.

You are loved.

"The most important thing that you will ever learn is that you are loved."

Love love love this quote.

“When you can drive down the road and not be afraid of what's playing on the radio, that's when you know it's over. "
-Lee Brice

Whyyy

I'm wide awake and I have no idea why. I haven't had a night like this in sooo long.

Nice man? Since when?

TH's best friend KH came to calg with us today. I've met him a few times but I don't think we've ever had a conversation sober. He is honestly one of the nicest people I have ever met. Such a sweetheart, soo good to B. and to me the last 2 days.

I need to understand.

I'm really unsure of how I feel about TH. I don't know what to think anymore. I like him as a person most of the time but I don't always like how he treats B. That's important to me.

blah.

I'm home now. It's good and weird and frustrating all at the same time. I've come to the conclusion that I am seriously so lucky to live with K. We never fight, he doesn't nag me (he must seriously hate how much I nag hahaha) we barely even see each other. Here, it's the opposite. Someone's always home, always around. Like I  am never alone here. Maybe that's why I hate it, because I so deeply desire alone time that most people don't understand.
I hate the energy in this place. How hippie/psychic/weird of me but really. I have never loved this house. I don't know what it is. I think part of it is that it's never felt like home. Does that make sense? Like home in the sense that it's not home-y. Like I went to ME's the other night for her momma's birthday and it feels more home-y than here. And my place in leth feels like home, even my place in Calgary. You know, when you walk into a house and you're like it just feels like home.

the good people

Do you ever know people and just hope that when you get married you marry a boy that treats you that well? I hung out with DL and JL tonight and I just forget how much I really love those boys sometimes. Like JL literally opens my door for me and always lets me go first and always makes sure I have what I need before he does. It is hard to find friends likes that.

That's how I feel

Do you ever get to the point when you're drunk and you wish you could puke because you know you'd feel soooo much better?

I don't want all or nothing.

Yesterday I said I need to date a boy I'm mediocrely attracted to. TK said no you want an all or nothing relationship. I told her I didn't want that. I am tired of all or nothing relationships. I'm too young to always have all or nothing relationships. I just want someone that I can be with for now. I don't want a boy I see a future with. Why can I only fall for boys I see a future with?

Alone, or lonely?

I am tired of being alone. I don't know if I'm lonely anymore. I do know that I'm extremely tired of being alone. Every one of my friends is in a relationship basically and it's frustrating. I want the physical part of a relationship. I want a good morning beautiful text. And a good night babe text. I want someone to tell every part of my day to, even the trivial stuff that doesn't matter to any one else but him.
It's silly things like that. Like having someone lay next to you and hold you all night long. It's silly really.

frustration.

I should clarify, I'm not actually a homewrecker. In fact, I really hate that term. But it seems like I always fall for boys who have girlfriends. And they always lead me on. It is so frustrating.
The worst part is that BR is like the first boy who's given me butterflies since before number twelve. I usually have such good guts that tell me the truth. And S, pointed out awhile ago that if I'm getting those feelings then, there's a chance something's there and it's not something I can completely ignore.
I was talking to TK about it and it's just so frustrating. She said maybe this experience was to let you know that it's possible for you to feel like that about someone other than number twelve. And she could very well be right. It's just so frustrating that this always happens to me.
It happened repeatedly with sunshine. It happened with sofa king. It's happening now. Like I just don't understand. What do I do that makes me seem like I am 'that girl'?
I used to really not like girls and I was always friends with boys and had few good girlfriends. And then I understood a lot more why girls hated me. Now though, I have lots of girlfriends and I don't really have many guy friends. I wish I was closer with my guy friends but I'm just at a place in my life where I needed girl support. After everything with number twelve I just couldn't be around boys anymore. I needed to rely on girls and I really didn't trust boys.
It really bothers me that PD lives with number twelve. That's like my consistent best guy friend for the last like 6 or 7 years and now he lives with number twelve. That changed everything. I

homewrecker.

I think there is a giant sign on my head that only boys can see that says, if you have a girlfriend, I'm the perfect person for you. Lead me on because I love boys with girlfriends.

Go home, my love.

"When he leaves to go home to his house, do you wish he would turn around and come back to yours? 'I don't know' usually means no."
-Taylor Swift

I haven't felt like this in soo long

I saw BR today again. It's mind blowing really. I get butterflies when I'm around him. I'm constantly nervous. Like stomach in knots. I have such an incredible attraction to him. We have this tension. Have you ever had like unbearable sexual tension? That's what it's like. All the time. He cut his hair and holy fuck he looks great.

Lights will guide you home.

It's been 12 years since Nana died today. I remember the moment Mom told me like it was yesterday. I thought it was a joke. I thought I was dreaming. It couldn't be real. And now it's been 12 years.

Blood Diamond.

My heart always told me that people are inherently good, my experience told me otherwise.

Best line ever

"Well, off the record, I like to get kissed before I get fucked"
-Leonardo Dicaprio
Blood Diamond

Goodbye little ones.

I can't believe it's over. 5 weeks. So fast. It seems like it just began and now it's over. I don't think it's fully set in yet. We will see how tomorrow goes. I will probably realize it around 10am like where are my kids.

This is the last time I say it's been you all along.

You find yourself at my door and just like all those times before you wear your best apology but I was there to watch you leave. And all the times I let you in just for you to go again, disappear, when you come back, everything is better.

This is the last time.

Found myself at your door and just like all those times before, I'm not sure how I got there; all roads they lead me here.

finally.

It's funny you know, how much we change. In three months, I've changed. In 5 weeks I've changed. It's funny. This is what I always wanted. And I have no idea why. I can tell you that I've never felt more in the right place. I belong. I have never ever felt that.

procrastation.

I forgot how much more productive I am at the library than at home hahahaaha.

Seems appropriate.

"Whatever is worth doing at all is worth doing well."

-Lord Chesterfield.

I remember it all too well.

You call me up again just to break me like a promise,
so casually cruel in the name of being honest.

Once again.

I'm sometimes frustrated with our world. Maybe I was just raised differently, no I was definitely raised differently. When I have a job, even when I start to not like it, I do my best. I do the work and I don't leave it for somebody else. That's pretty much why I left the golf course and that's how I feel at Moxie's. I don't just leave my work for somebody else. And I don't understand that concept. It just wasn't how I was raised. And the thing is, if everybody did their part, then everybody would be finished quicker and more happy with the results. But people leave without doing their tasks so the same people ending up doing them shift, after shift, after shift. And it's not that I mind helping. It's that I have things to do in my life too. I was supposed to be cut at 2:30 today. I didn't get home until almost quarter to five. That's not even in the realm of close. That's not me staying after to finish my duties. That's me doing everybody else's shit. And I'm tired of it.

Theoretical.

" You and I are like that red wall, good in theory but somehow it just doesn't work. "

Almost 3 full months of nothing.

It's been 11 weeks and 2 days exactly since there was any contact between number twelve and I.

Drained.

I have much too much to say but I'm much to drained to say it.

happy endings.

KG has gone through some really intense stuff in the past three years. She's the girl who used to live next door and her boyfriend cheated on her, then she revenge fucked someone else and ended up getting pregnant. She didn't know which one of them was the father and she went through some pretty intense stuff. She lost two of her best friends because they became best friends and now they hate her because she ended up with the father. The one guy threatened to burn her house down with her in it and offered her 10gs to get an abortion. And they were very on and off with some very serious shit, court order, etc. They have been together and happy for about a year now, maybe a little less. They live together with their son and they just got engaged. I saw her engagement photos and she looks genuinely happy. It's nice to see that some people get the fairytale ending.
So I texted her and told her how happy I was that she got her happy ending and that it gave me hope that one day I might get mine. She told me one day I will, and I will have BB twins hahaha. but it honestly just melts my heart a bit because she was really there for me during the brunt of the shitty times with number twelve.

I crack myself up.

I was so trendy and hipster today hahaahahahahahahaha. I wore leggings with almost knee-high black riding boots and an oversized sweater with a scarf and my glasses. When I got home I put my hair in a messy bun too. Like could I be any more hipster hahahahah

one more week.

I have been procrastinating for about 4 hours now. I am just so exhausted by the time I get  home from school that I can't focus to sit down and plan lessons until like 8 or 9 o'clock and then I am up until midnight or later and then in the morning I am exhausted. It's a viscous  cycle.

Introspective.

What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
Being lonely. The kind of lonely that longs to not be lonely. 
Where would you like to live?
Seattle, New York, Nashville, Durham
What is your idea of earthly happiness?
Reading in front of the fire with a blanket, glass of wine or hot chocolate and the one I love. 
To what faults do you feel most indulgent?
Indecision. 
Who are your favorite characters in history?
T.S. Eliot, Martin Luther King, Adolf Hitler, John Steinbeck, Charles Dickens
Who are your favorite heroines of fiction?
Carrie Bradshaw, Hermione Granger
Your favorite painter?
I don't know much about art, I wish I knew more. Perhaps Leonardo Davinci, only because I am still not convinced that The Davinci Code is fiction. 
Your favorite musician?
Jack Johnson
The quality you most admire in a man?
Ambition, honesty, and security. 
The quality you most admire in a woman?
Confidence. 
Your favorite virtue?
Integrity. I thought I lost it once, but in reality I lost myself for awhile, and when I came back, so did my integrity. 
Who would you have liked to be?
Kate Middleton 
Your most marked characteristic?
Perspective. 
What do you most value in your friends?
Honesty. 
What is your principle defect?
Judgement. 
What is your dream of happiness?
Love. 
What to your mind would be the greatest of misfortunes?
To never know how it feels to love and be loved. 
What would you like to be?
Successful, Loved, Strong. 
In what country would you like to live?
Italy, Greece, Canada, or the United States. 
What is your favourite color?
Black, or charcoal grey, or blue.  
What is your favourite flower?
Calla Lillies, Birds of Paradise. 
What is your favourite bird?
None I despise birds. They are absolutely terrifying. 
Who are your favourite poets?
Robert Frost, Dr. Seuss, 
Who are your favourite composers?
I don't know much about composers, but I love listening to classical music. 
Who are your heroes in real life?
My momma, my sister. 
What are your favorite names?
Sadie, Addison, Abagail, Nathan, Austin. 
What is it you most dislike?
Complacency and lack appreciation for life.  
What historical figures do you most despise?
.Shakespeare, Napoleon, 
What natural gift would you most like to possess?
The ability to walk in somebody else's shoes. 
How would you like to die?
Asleep, with the one I love. 
What is your present state of mind?
Introspective. 
What is your motto?Always love, love always.

Closeness.

On Friday four of us stayed at my home. It was kind of nice because K hasn't been here much. Most of the time I like being alone but having company is nice sometimes. That's why I want a puppy so bad, so I have something to come home to that doesn't speak.
A slept in my bed. We didn't do anything we just cuddled. It was honestly just so nice to have someone next to me. It's the physical presence that I crave. When I slept with number twelve I usually had such great sleeps because I felt so safe. Until the end at least when I was always so stressed and so worried knowing what we were doing would probably end up breaking my heart.
I just crave someone to hold me now and then. The worst part is that I used to love sleeping alone and hate sleeping with someone until number twelve forced me to love sleeping together. I think I especially liked it because I only ever had the opportunity for 3 or 4 days at a time.
I just want to be close.

When I get where I'm going, I'm gonna walk with my grandaddy.

It's been exactly seven years since my poppa died. It is really really hard to even comprehend that. I miss him so much. He had this grace about him that was so beautiful. He was just so proud. He loved life and he loved me.
My niece has been seeing ghosts. It's actually terrifying a little bit but fascinating at the same time. The fact that she can open her heart and mind to the possibility of spirits between worlds is to me incredible. She said she was talking to an old man the other day. An old man in the navy he was fighting a war and he was really nice and he loved her a lot. B asked if he's okay and S said oh yes he's fine he is completely okay he's safe. He just loves me though. She is two years old and she spoke stories of him.
I know he's watching over her and he loves her. So very much he loves her. I miss him so much. It breaks my heart because so many people like hate spending time with their family. I love it. It breaks my heart that my grandparents couldn't come to my graduation and that they won't be at my wedding, or when my kids are born or any of it. So many people take their families for granted and I just love mine. I appreciate them and miss them and wish I was that lucky.

In loving memory.

How are people that mean.

On Friday night I went to a duck dynasty party, which was hilarious by the way. I saw RD, who I  used to hang out with. He is a really nice guy actually and he makes me laugh. He has a new girlfriend now and they seem happy and I'm so glad for him. His ex-girlfriend is seriously a psychopath. She is so insecure I feel bad for her. She makes a point to tell everyone in the world that I slept with R. And it's like okay, I get it, we aren't even friends really like why is this such an issue for you? We were literally sitting in her room on Friday not even talking about him and she's like B slept with R. I don't even care that she tells people because R is a nice guy and a great lay and they were over for almost a year before that happened. Him and I had a perfectly good conversation, did a shot of tequila together, like I invited his girlfriend to come be a part of it with us. I see things in a way that I want what's best for him, I want him to be happy. 

KM decided to flirt with R and like basically throwing herself at him like right in front of his girlfriend and I was just disgusted with her behaviour. You're obviously jealous, but if you ever really cared about him, you would want him to be happy not try to ruin his relationship. And no I've never had to deal with that myself but I have to believe that I would never intentionally hurt number 12, ever. I would smile through sharp stabbing pain in my heart and tell him I'm happy for him. Or I wouldn't put myself in the position where I had to watch him with another girl.

She also made a point to sleep with JS after I did and then like called me to tell me the next day and put it on twitter. Like super you are insecure and enjoy attention. I don't understand. 

She also is extremely mean to TK which is really why I don't like this girl. She is supposed to be one of her best friends and she is so mean it kills me. I hate the way she speaks to her and the way she spends every waking second trying to put her down. Here is a prime example: yesterday, KM and ET were going out. They talked about it all day in front of T and even asked her to do their hair. KM asked T to borrow her clothes and they didn't invite her to go with them. THEN they have the nerve to text her after they left and be like sooo I just realized I totally forgot to invite you to come with us. You should come though. TK was like uhh okay well I'm fine thanks and made some sort of comment about it not being a mistake but mostly brushed it off. Like they obviously did not forget to invite her. Then K tried to turn it around on T and be like you didn't really look like you wanted to go out anyways. Like I can't even believe how she treats her. 

maybe I really am a girl.

I honestly hate to admit this more than anyone could ever know but I kind of want a boy. It's like I have so many reasons why I don't want one, primarily that I don't ever want to not follow my own dreams because I have a boy that makes me want to stay. But lately, I kind of want one. I think part of why I let the charade go on as long as I did with number twelve is because I loved having him there. I honestly love him so much and I always will. But I loved being able to tell him about my day, the silliest little things that aren't even relative to life, but he loved to hear them. I loved studying beside him for hours on end and only moving to get coffee or eat. I loved spending the entire day inside looking out at the beautiful winter night and just being so content.
That's what I miss the most, my best friend. I want that again. I want those conversations. I want the good morning beautiful text messages and the good night silly girl messages. I just want to feel loved, you know. That's vain and selfish and I know I'm loved. I miss that boy's love. I want to be loved. I want to be yearned for the way that I yearn for him. I want a happy ending. I want to be loved.

l-o-v-e.

Found true love, lost your heart
Now you don't know who you are.

If you're looking for one more chance

You've got the wrong song, coming through your speakers; this one's about a liar and a cheater. Didn't know what he had 'till it was gone. You got the wrong girl 'cause I've got your number. Don't know what kind of spell you think I'm under.

Just knowing, no one could take your place.

And sometimes, I wonder, who you'd be today.

Rest and relaxation, for once happiness.

I've been in my bed before midnight every day this week. Goo me! That totally deserves a prize!

Discretion advised.

Sooo I rarely post things this explicit but this is necessary. I wish I had have been given a bullet or sex toy years ago. Seriously. They are better than men in many ways. Like for me, single and happy, it's much less slutty than men.
Another pro, I always finish. There's no worries that's 'he' will finish before I do. That is never ever a problem. I always finish, usually twice. Like boys cannot compare because they get lazy.
I must admit that number twelve was really good at making sure I was good unless I faked it. Which be honest girls, it happens. He finished early, he'd make sure I finished or was more than satisfied which was appreciated.
However I always thought it was taboo. It was inappropriate for me to be satisfied without a man. I don't know if its age and maturity or lack of actual sex hahaha or too much watching Sex and the City. Life is good and I am happy and relaxed.

sometimes it's hard to believe I could have been that wrong.

"Somebody somewhere is saying those things I know I should have said. Somebody somewhere ain’t gonna let her go quite as easy as I did. I hope that she’s happy as much as it hurts me to see it all go down from here. Yeah, there’s somebody out there holding my somebody somewhere."

One day, there's going to be somebody somewhere that's saying all the things you know you should have said. Somebody somewhere who isn't going to let me go quite as easy as you did. And I'm going to be happy as much as it hurts you to see it all go down from there because somebody somewhere is going to be holding your somebody somewhere. 

Plague.

I can feel my cold breaking up. That's great news now I'm going to be the disgusting person who is full if phlegm and a leaking nose and watering eyes.
I sound like on the mucous commercial it's actually disgusting.

mind boggling.

I find it simply mind blowing how accurate personality tests can be. I just did one and I'd say about 90 percent of it is more than accurate.

oh please, just, let me please break down.

I think I needed that tonight. To break down I mean. I have been pretending that I am not hurting for nearly three months. It is about time my heart broken open and let out some feelings. Tears are supposed to be healing right? Well, I feel a little bit better; a little lighter.

Salt water heals.

Just in case you wanted to know, I bawled the whole way home from Calgary today. I honestly am so pathetic.

Memories sneak up on me, wherever I go.

Please tell me it's not true, I didn't mean that much to you.

How'd you turn so cold, where's the girl I used to know?

A car like you used to drive, pulled beside me today at the lights, chances to break down and cry wherever I go.

How can love like that just up and walk away.

There ain't nothing like a memory, when it's coming on strong like a hurricane.

Love monkey.

Watching Beauty and the Beast:
Monkey: you scared auntie?
Me: no I'm not scared honey.
Monkey: grabs my hand and squeezes, you scared auntie?
Me: yes monk, auntie's scared. Can you protect me?
Monkey: silly auntie don't be scared! Grabs my other hand hahaha

What the heck

I have been having fucked up dreams. And a fucked up week. I had a dream about BR the next night and it was just so fucked. I am just mind blown.
Then on Thursday night when I got home, I went and saw my monkeys. And it was so fucked. I was talking to B and she's like shh listen. My niece was talking to someone. And B goes, "S who are you talking to?"
She answers, the bad man is here again.
So B says tell him to go home now it's your bed time. S says my friends are here though. So B tells them to go to bed and starts talking to S about telling them it's bed time. And S goes but mom I'm scared.
This isn't the first time this has happened. She talks about seeing and speaking to things all the time. The other day she said I talked to an old man the other day. And B says yeah? Who was it? She said I don't know but he was nice and he really really loves me. B says oh what did you guys do? And S says well he's fighting on a ship in the war. Then B says well is he okay?! And S goes he's okay mom. He's safe. He loves me though.
Basically describing my grandpa. It's insane. This girl is very in touch with the spiritual world and I'm wondering why.

You took your money and your dignity and got the hell out.

And they tell you that you're lucky, but you're just confused.
'Cause you don't feel pretty, you just feel used.

I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairytale.

Legitimately, what does it mean when you dream about your ex. I had a dream about number twelve last night it was fucked.
It was weird though, I've never had a dream like that. I saw one of his friends from high school. I guess they're still kind of friends, but they aren't close any more at all. So I was talking to LW and he was telling me about life and whatever and we had a great chat. I've always got along with him. I remember when I asked him for number twelve's address last year because I had to send him some stuff and he was like B, he loves you, you know that right? And I was like I know. He's like I know you love him, and I respect how much you care about him. And I know there's more to the story than I know about how your relationship went down. He's like you should be proud of the way you've handled it all. In my dream, we didn't really even talk about number twelve and they he somehow got brought up and I was like well how is he?
And LW was like you know he's really good. I was like I'm so glad to hear that. LW kind of avoided eye contact and I was like what... He's like well, he's got a girlfriend, B. And I think they're really happy. He just bought her a snowboard. I was a little shocked but I was happy for him. I was hurting, but I mean, in all honesty,  I really do want number 12 to be happy. So he was like B, it's really serious; like, ring serious.
I was winded. I felt like somebody just stabbed me, repeatedly. I cannot explain how I felt. I didn't even speak. I didn't cry. I was completely numb.
We talked some more and then we ended up at my childhood house, and HJR was there. I told her what happened. HJR has understood number twelve and my situation better than anyone. And her and S are the most supportive of pursuing it whenever I have. I think they understand there's more to this than an old boyfriend. And when HJR and I started talking about it, I just started bawling. I just couldn't comprehend it. I knew one day that'd probably happen and LW said, I didn't want to tell you. I knew I shouldn't.
And I reminded him, it's not his fault. I was happy he told me. It was real, official. I needed to really move on. The possibility of a future with number twelve had disappeared forever for me.
It was supposed to work out. It was supposed to be us. It was supposed to be our happy ending. And it wasn't. And LW made a comment about always pulling for us.
I guess I just don't know what this means. I woke up winded and in tears this morning. Is this me telling myself to let go? Is this my subconscious? Is this my subconscious telling me to do something before he moves on? I wish it were the third option. But I cannot do that. It has to be him. It has to be him all in before I consider going even a toe in again. And that scares me.

Pirate's Gold

So pumped to teach my kids my favourite childhood game to my class in physical education tomorrow!

Yucky.

I would give anything to not have to work right now.

Be yourself.

plan plan plan

Today I had my first official lesson and both my university consultant and teacher associate were watching me. It was extremely nerve racking and I thought I did so shitty. It's really funny because the majority of teachers (good teachers anyway) are major perfectionists. Like I am way more critical of myself than anyone else could be. I picked out things and they were like whoa it was not that bad, it was overall really good. I think that is one of my downfalls. Like yeah, I'm a bitch and I am critical of other people but I am 1000000 times more critical of myself.
Anyways, my lesson went pretty good and now I am planning for tomorrow. Wish me luck.

Tomorrow.

Ahhhhhhhhhh soooooo nervous!!! I give my first lesson with my TA watching and my university consultant will be there too! Ahhhhhh ahhhh nervous worried ahhhh blah blah can I have baileys and coffee tomorrow! Ahh

Great minds think alike

I say: would it be completely unprofessional to put baileys in my coffee tomorrow morning? The conversation continues:

So funny. Poetry for kids.

... And then the Prince knelt down and tried to put the glass slipper on Cinderella's foot: 

I really didn't notice that he had a funny nose. 

And he certainly looked better all dressed up in fancy clothes. 

He's not nearly as attractive as he seemed the other night. 

So I think I'll just pretend that this glass slipper is too tight. 

Princess Diaries.

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
-Eleanor Roosevelt

beauty and the beast

Tale as old as time, true as it can be
Barely even friends, then somebody bends
Unexpectedly
Just a little change; small, to say the least
Both a little scared, neither one prepared

Clusterf.

The computers crashed during revenue tonight at the Mox. Talk about clusterfuck. It was seriously a mess. I am so lucky I had great tables. Like honestly, all my tables were so fantastic about it and still tipped so well because I didn't lie to them. I would way rather have a server that's honest, so that's what I try to be. I was like look, our computers crashed and it's a disaster right now so my apologies ahead for anything that takes longer or doesn't come out perfectly. I will be interested to see how my cashout goes tomorrow. I hopefully made good money, I mean based on my tips it looked like I should have. I had delicious vindaloo after work too. Love love love that shit.

It's still there.

It's always going to be there, isn't it?

You and me. 

and I pray, to be only yours.

I give you my destiny,
I'm giving you all of me.

This love is treacherous.. I, I, I like it.

It's getting harder you know.... Not to text number twelve. Which I thought it was going to be the opposite. I thought it would get easier and easier. But it didn't. It was easy at first because I was mad. I'm not mad anymore though, I just miss him. He was my best friend and it kills me that I don't know how he's doing or what's going on in his life. It kills me he doesn't know how I'm doing or what's going on in my life. I just want to know how his life is. If he's doing good, if he's struggling.
I guess I want to know if he's completely happy, if it's possible for him to be completely happy without me.

Love is a ruthless game, unless you play it good and right.

NB and CK got engaged and they have set their date for July 27. I am honestly so mind fucked by the entire situation. I mean I always knew this day would come but it really puts things into perspective.
I honestly cannot even imagined getting married right now. I don't even have a viable prospect. I am blown away by the idea of marriage. And it helped talking to my sister tonight because she reminded me that just because it wouldn't make me happy doesn't mean it won't make someone else happy.
And I've always known this is what NB wanted. I mean, this is her dream come true. And because it is her dream come true, I will support her. She's happy, this is what she wished for.
It's hard for me because this wouldn't make me happy. I mean yes, one day I want to get married. One day I'd like to fall in love again. But one day is far away. I am not ready to open my heart to love like that, I am not ready to open my heart to hurt like that. I look at people like S, and yes, she's got a lot of life left to live before she settles down completely, but at least she as a boy who loves her. And for me, I think that's what scares me.
I don't have a boy in love with me. I don't have a boy that has flat-out said I want to marry you one day. And I think that is a part of the reason I was with number twelve so strong. I believed so inherently in the fact that love like that only comes around once. I'm still not sure I will find a love that intense. But maybe it doesn't need to be that intense. Maybe the boy who is right for me will just love me, unconditionally. And maybe he will support me and believe in me. And that will be enough. Maybe number twelve is that boy who's not quite the man I'm going to marry. I just am not there yet. I feel pressure to be there, to want a relationship. But I don't honestly believe I'm at a place where I would be happy with settling down. I don't even mean in terms of partying, I mean in terms of making a life-long commitment to somebody else. It's hard being in this Mormon city where everyone is married or in a serious relationship. Nearly all of my good friends are in relationships. And it was nice when TK was completely against any sort of relationship because she was the one. Or even when K didn't have a girlfriend. But I'm surrounded now.
I don't know if this is some sort of message or what, but I am just not ready. I can't honestly say I've moved on completely from number twelve. And to be honest, I don't know if I'll ever be able to say that.  And I'm okay with that because I know that that's a love I will never regret, a love I wouldn't take back. I suppose I just feel pressured. I feel like when you are a female, everyone expects that you want to get married and have kids and have a boy that loves you. Yeah, it'd be nice to have a boy that loves me. But that's not happening any time soon and it will not determine my happiness. No he will ever determine my happiness again. He will add to it, he will aim for it. I want to find something to love on my own. Then a him to love.

Or you'll end up next to me in her side show.

If you know what's good for you, you'll just let her go.

Baby, get your shine on.

It's harder to shine than to undermine.

Sucky Colds.

Last night I fell asleep at like 7pm. I woke up at 7:34 am today. Talk about exhaustion.

Sick.

My head honestly feels like it's going to explode. I had my first day of practicum and now I am actually dying a little bit because I am getting a cold. I can feel it. There is so much pressure in my head.

keep dreaming.

Keep on dreaming even if it breaks your heart.

moving on from him is impossible when I still see it all in my head.

Today is the closest I've come to texting number twelve in ages. It has been exactly 7 weeks since we spoke... Well, since he spoke to me. I never answered. I think it's hard because he was my best friend for so long. And I have great other friends and I have met wonderful friends the last few months. But, because there's always a but, none of them are him. There is a part of me that no one else will ever have. It's a part of me that's his now. And I am okay with the fact that he will always have it even if we are never together again, it's his. And it always will be.
I have so many exciting things going on right now and I just want to tell him all about it. When I found out my practicum placement, I wanted to call him. I saw his sister last night and told her about it and I just wanted it to be him that I was telling. I think if I hadn't lost my best friend and the love of my life all at once, it'd be okay. But I did. He was the first person I told anything to. He was always the one I wanted to tell when I had a great day or a bad day or the worst day.
I think it's something that's never going to go away. I will always love him and I'm okay with that. And I have so many wonderful things in my life to be thankful for, and I am, and I appreciate all that I have. But we always want more, and I want him. I miss him.

Love, always.

There's something I really respect about country relationships... They are more down to earth. I look at people like Faith Hill and Tim McGraw or Garth Brooks and Trisha Yearwood and Brad Paisley and his wife and even more recently Blake Shelton and Miranda Lambert. You can see that these celebrity couple really love each other. I just think its amazing in such a fast-paced and high divorce rate world when you see people that really love each other.

Sleep is for the weak.

Apparently my body is telling me I need some rest. That is two days in one week that I slept until 11 am. That is so unlike me

Silly girls falling in love.

So one of my friends got engaged tonight. I always knew that they would get married. It's too young for me but at the end of the day, she's happy. And that's what matters.

This time baby I'll be bulletproof.

Been there, done that, messed around. I'm having fun, don't put me down. I'll never let you sweep me off my feet.

I remember it all too well.

You call me up again just to break me like a promise,
so casually cruel in the name of being honest.

Disappear.

Sometimes I just want to disappear completely.

Momma, I love you.

I just bawled on the phone to my momma for 57 minutes. It's hard because whenever I'm afraid of something, or I don't want to face something I avoid her. I avoid her because I know how it's going to end. It's going to end with me having a metal breakdown and mom just putting it back together. She always knows when it's coming. And she always has a way of forcing you to face the truth. To trust yourself and let go of the bullshit. Let go of everything that's holding you back. And just be. Be who you are. Be your best self.

Only sadness.

And I see no bravery, no bravery, in your eyes anymore. Only sadness.

Fuck it.

Double standards are such bullshit. I am so unbelievably tired of them.

No bravery in your eyes anymore, only sadness.

"If you love someone, be brave enough to tell them, otherwise, be brave enough to watch them be loved by someone else.”

You just never know.

Today was a funny day.

It takes everything in me not to call you.

I confess babe, in my dreams your touching my face and asking me if I wanna try again with you,
and I almost do.

I bet you think I either moved on or hate you.

I was so close to texting number twelve last night. I would really just like to find a nice boy and move past all of the relationship drama that describes my life. I always fall for the wrong boys. I wish that I was attracted to the nice guy for once. I always fall for the guy with the girlfriend. Or the guy who is a jackass player. Or I have number twelve too involved into my mind to move on. I would just like to find a boy that will treat me well and just love me. I just need him to love me. Is that too much to ask?

I have the best friends.

Accomplished my life long goal of being a Spice Girl last night. I was Sporty and it was awesome. Just saying.

Win/win

Everything I used to eat with milk I now eat with almond milk. And I'd just like to say everything is even better with almond milk AND I don't get sick. Win/win

I do believe in you that much.

"Sometimes I feel like you believe in me more than I believe in myself."

Little things.

My niece called me this morning. I told her I was having breakfast and she said she'd be right over. Hahaha seriously love that little girl. She was so giggly. Her laugh just makes everything in my day better. I love it beyond comprehension.

It takes two.

I just want that "can't-eat, can't-sleep, reach-for-the-stars, over-the-fence, World Series kind of stuff.

Invictus.

I think that this will forever be my favourite poem. 

Out of the night that covers me,

Black as the pit from pole to pole, 

I thank whatever gods may be 

for my unconquerable soul. 

In fell the clutch of circumstance 

I have not winced nor cried aloud.

Under the bludgeonings of chance

My head is bloody but unbowed. 

Beyond this place of wrath and tears

Looms but the horror of the shade.

And yet the menace of the years

Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.  

It matters not how straight the gate, 

how charged with punishments the scroll. 

I am the master of my fate: 

I am the captain of my soul. 

-William Ernest Henley

nerd.

I'm studying for my Ed Psych test on Thursday and it's actually so interesting. I find this kind of stuff absolutely incredible. I'm currently reading and writing notes about motivation and it just interests me so much. I think that is what's interesting about school this year, it's real. It's not the background information that I have to kill myself to get into Ed. It is practical information that I will use every day for the next how many years. And to me, that's fascinating.

What a pain.

I had to get winter tires and a new rim today. OVER 700 DOLLARS. Fuck. So ridiculous. I did not need this expense right now. I need a new vehicle so bad it's not even funny. That's my goal for the summer.

Goodbye.

I bet it never ever occurred to you that I can't say hello to you and risk another goodbye.

We made quite a mess babe, it's probably better off this way.

And I wish I could tell you, it takes everything in me not to call you. I wish I could run to you. And I hope you know that every time I don't, I almost do.

Safe and sound.

I made it home safe last night. Then K had made delicious lasagna for me and so I enjoyed that with a glass of wine followed by a gigantic piece of cake. It was extremely stressful to be sitting alone in the dark on a secondary highway. But I'm alive and thankful I was okay. Apparently blowing a tire is really dangerous.

Sketch

I'm sitting on the side of the road about 45 minutes from leth. I basically feel like I am in the beginning of a plot of a horror movie. I'm probably gonna get murdered here on the side of the road. No big deal though.

Silly family.

I have been asked at least 3 times why I'm up so early? Hello, it's like 930 almost. I am always up way earlier than this.

What is your deal sweetheart?

I guess I just don't understand. I just want to be like look, what is your deal? Why do you even he a girlfriend? You don't seem overly interested in her? I'm confused so please fill me in.

you look like bad news, I gotta have you.

I think I am prone to fall for boys I cannot have. I am falling for a boy in my class. He is so comfortable in who he is. He is everything I would normally be attracted to: he dresses well, he is good-looking, he's an athlete, he's got just enough cocky. Only he is absolutely nothing I would ever see myself with. He's brilliant. He is kind and he is down to earth. He's open-minded. He wears a leather jacket, he chews. He's going to be a teacher, a great one. He is just the complete opposite of what who I have always seen in my future.
He comes from an interesting family. He's worked with handicapped kids. His brother has some sort of mental something (I think). His dad is gay. All of these things just completely blow my mind because he is everything I have always been attracted to yet the complete opposite of all of them.
He treats me differently though. He is kind. And most of all, I laugh again. Every time I see him, or talk to him, I laugh.
It's funny, and it sounds absolutely ridiculous, but we have a connection; when I look into his eyes. It is insane, we make eye contact from across the room and I literally melt a little. I'm paralysed and I'm giddy like when I was eight years old. I find myself smiling or giggling. It's actually embarrassing.
He's different, but of course, he's got a girlfriend.

On a lighter note.

"You look like bad news,
I gotta have you. "
-TSwift

At least I believe in something.

Today we had a girl read her writing in class. She wrote something about each of us and what she would remember about us. She said, "I will remember B for her strong beliefs". You know what, I do have strong beliefs and it takes a lot to shake them. And if that's what I'm remembered for, I'm happy. For some people my "strong beliefs" makes me a stuck up bitch. For others, it means I'm passionate and I believe in something. And I think that's just it. I don't really care if you think I am an arrogant bitch. Sometimes I am, sure. But I have strong beliefs and I'm not willing to compromise them. That's it. I would rather people think I am a bitch than be wishy washy and change my so-called beliefs every time someone disagrees with them or doesn't understand them. I'm not sorry for my beliefs. I believe. And I'm sorry you don't.

You've never walked in my shoes, ever.

It bothers me because people think my life was so easy, that I am so put together and blah blah blah. You know what, just because I don't publicly speak about hardships I've encountered in my life, doesn't mean it's all rainbows and cupcakes. I choose not to show that part of me. Sure, my experiences have made me who I am, but I don't need you or anyone else's sympathy. I hate that look of pity in someone's eye when they find out something about you and it clicks a little bit why you might be the way you are. Most people have absolutely no idea who I am or what I've been through and I intend to keep it that way. It doesn't matter. Who I am is who I am and if you don't like it, feel free to leave because this is who I am and I deserve better than to change for you. Most people have no idea that I tried to commit suicide more than once when I was younger and I don't want them to know that. Only a few people know that part of me and only a few people need to. I am so unbelievably frustrated with the close-mindedness of our society it blows me away. You just don't know. We never know.

you would never know.

This whole Amanda Todd thing really pisses me off. Tonight I kind of got into an argument with JP's boyfriend about it. I am not stating that she deserved to get bullied or anything of that sort. My point is merely that I think it is sad and unfair that this one girl, who was being bullied for choices SHE made got famous because right before she died she made a video about it. I do not think that she deserved to be bullied. I think that all of the other people who kill themselves every single day as a result of bullying deserve recognition too. Especially considering a lot of kids who commit suicide as a result of bullying are being bullied about things they have no control over. Ex. they are from a family built bigger, they are not 'pretty' according to the other people, they are nerdy and SMART.
I cannot comment on whether or not she did it for attention. Sure, her history and reputation precede her but none of us know why she did what she did. CM's argument was that she couldn't possibly have done it for attention because people don't commit suicide for attention. I looked him in the face and said do you know anything about being suicidal? Have you ever been suicidal? He looked at me, almost with attitude and said 'no, have you?" I could and did honestly answer Yes. He shut up.
What upsets me most is people who talk about suicide in terms of attention or why they did it. They talk about it being selfish and gutless. You honestly have no idea what you're talking about if you believe that. People who are actually suicidal or deep within a depression, they do not kill themselves for attention. You will never hear that person talk about killing themselves if they are truly depressed and are not looking for attention. That person is so far into a never-ending hole of depression that all they want is for the pain to stop. They don't have the capacity to think about how their death will affect the people in their life. They don't have the capacity to think about the fact that their death will hurt people, that they might hurt the people they love because of it. All they can think about is how excruciating the pain they are in is. All they can think about is the moment it will stop.

Love story.

"I couldn't live in a world where you don't exist."
-Edward Cullen

I just want to tell you, I almost do.

I bet you think I moved on or hate you,
'cause each time you reach out there's no reply.
I bet it never ever occurred to you that I can't say hello to you and risk another goodbye.

It feels like the perfect night for breakfast at midnight to fall in love with strangers.

We're happy and confused and lonely in the best way.
It's miserable and magic.
Tonight's the night we forget about the heartbreak.

Boom fucker.

"Governor Romney, you mentioned that our navy has fewer ships than we did in 1916 - we also have fewer horses and bayonets, we have these things called aircraft carriers that airplanes land on, we have nuclear submarines that go underwater....." - President Obama

bahahahahahahahaha best part of the debate so far. 

I don't want to need you this way.

And this is when the feeling sinks in,
I don't wanna miss you like this;
Come back, be here.

It takes everything in me not to call you.

If I could, I would tell number twelve to listen to the song I Almost Do by Taylor Swift.

they just don't make men like you.

Have you ever heard the song She Thinks She Needs Me by Andy Griggs? It has a whole lot of history for me but I honestly love it so much. It means the world to me because the day that I said it was my favourite song in grade 11, Sunshine learned how to play it. He never ended up playing it for me but I remember he told me he was trying to learn it and I asked why and he said because it's your favourite. I just love the entire concept of the song. And even though things didn't work for Sunshine and I, he will always have a special place in my heart. We were just too young for such a connection. That seems to be the biggest problem for me, I always fall into these relationships where I connect so deeply with someone but we are too young for that kind of relationship, too young for that kind of love. Maybe it's because I am too wise for my years, I have an old soul. Maybe it's because I am too young to really believe, to trust, to allow myself to go there. Or maybe I have never found a boy mature enough to really go there with me. Is love like that real? Is a connection like that possible?

"She thinks I walk on water, she thinks I hung the moon.
She tells me every morning, they just don't make men like you.
She thinks I've got it together, she swears I'm as tough as nails,
but I don't have the heart to tell her, she don't know me that well:
She don't know how much I need her, she don't know I'd fall apart
without her kiss, without her touch, without her faithful loving arms.
She don't know it's all about her, she don't know I can't live without her.
She's my world, she's my everything and
she thinks she needs me."

Go home sweetheart.

K's girlfriend has been staying here way too much lately. It's at the point where it's actually starting to bother me. Like this is four out of the last five nights now, fuck off. I don't understand why it's necessary to stay here on school nights? Like I cannot imagine being banged all night then getting up and going to school (I have done it a select few times and it sucks you are exhausted and feel shitty all day). School is important to me, I wouldn't risk that for a boy.
Last night I took his friends and him out and I drove them to the strippers and the bar but I went with them. The funniest part is that they dressed up like a priest, a monk, and a rabbi. I don't know if I talked about this earlier but they were supposed to come next weekend and ended up coming this weekend because M booked his flight this weekend by accident for Halloween hahahahahaha. Anyways I actually had an awesome time with them, they were so funny. And even K was like, any idea why T stayed here last night? Or was it awkward to you too? And it was totally awkward. Like his two friends were here, go home sweetheart. You are like extremely needy if you need to stay here and cannot let him have two nights with his best friends since childhood who he only sees every few months.
She's here right now and I like her but this is starting to wear on me. I like living with ONE person. I didn't sign up to live with two people and I don't pay the rent I pay to live with two people. I just like my space and I just don't understand why she always needs to be here.
I learned that she doesn't drink at all ever, tonight. It made a lot of sense about a lot of things.

every time this girl can reach into my soul.

"We believe in things because we want to - isn't that the definition of faith, anyway? Faith is holding tight to your belief even in the face of evidence against it."
- S

I'm telling myself I'll be okay.

I know my heart will never be the same.

Please stop. PDA is not okay.

Look I get you guys are dating I don't need you guys to talk to each other with your faces an inch away from each other's face. You don't need to kiss and rub each other all over and sit at a bar with your arms around each other. It's incredibly awkward and I feel uncomfortable.

That's the difference.

I keep telling people I don't want any sort of relationship. I have been convincing myself for ages that there's no one else, that number twelve is as good as it gets and I never wanna be that person again.
But I'm starting to think maybe there could be some other boy out there, no not boy, man. That's what I want, a man. I don't want another boy, I want a man.

This was never my world, you took the angel away.

We were too dumb to run, too dead to die.

just be healthy, take care of you.

There is this girl and she, in my opinion, has an eating disorder. She lives with JP and she is seriously like obsessed with 'fitness'. But the girl is probably a size 0 or 2 and talks about her need to lose weight. I've been through an eating disorder, like I know one when I see one. She posts on instagram allllll the time about all the healthy shit she is eating and doing etc. Like the other day she posted a picture of broccoli, chicken and sweet potatoes and said "last cheat meal". I hate to break it to you sweetheart, but if you think that is a cheat mean, you are anorexic. Like that it a good healthy meal, not a 'cheat meal'. A cheat meal is different for everyone but it means like pasta, or ice cream or whatever you really like to have but isn't overly good for you. Broccoli, Chicken and Sweet Potatoes are all really good for you. And yeah I guess it's a cheat meal if you have gigantic portions but your cheat meal shouldn't be gigantic portions. That is one of the biggest problems with obesity in Canada and the United States. We have no idea how to control portion size. Like we get a PROPERLY portioned meal and everyone is like uhh where's the rest of it. You aren't supposed to eat that much at a time, it's not good for you and your body cannot process it. It's the same with why binge drinking or drugs are bad for you. Having a glass of wine every day is not going to kill your liver. Having 3 bottles of wine every Friday and Saturday night will.
I posted a picture on instagram of my post-gym snack and protein shake to see if she would catch on. Nope she thinks that it's great and likely thinks I am copying her. Well sweetheart, here's the difference, I don't need to post every meal or every time I go to the gym because I do it for myself not for somebody else. And that's a serious difference. I like going to the gym, I feel good. And yes, some days it's hard because I would love to just lay on my lazy ass and do nothing, and sometimes that's okay but most of the time, I convince myself to go because I know how much better I will feel. I'm more energized, I sleep better. To me, especially as a busy student, these things are important. I don't have all the extra time in the world and some days that means I only get a half hour bike ride but that half hour releases so much stress and I feel a world of difference.
Eating healthy, it can seriously change your life. I don't care if you are fat or skinny or you like chocolate. I am not skinny. I am self-conscious and you know what I DO love chocolate. I love to eat things that are bad for me. But I really try to keep it in moderation. Like I have fruit popsicles that are tasty as fuck. I love them. I used to eat a fair amount of fast food and I can't anymore. I stopped and now it makes me sick, even when I'm hungover. My body is not used to processing that.
I'm not saying everyone needs to be thin. I think some of the most beautiful girls are what the media would call "plus sized". I think it's gross to be anorexic skinny. But it's YOUR body and the most important part is that you take care of it because it can change your life.

It won't be on me.

Right now, he's probably buying her some fruity little drink cause she can't shoot whiskey.

Happy birthday szarkalicious

Sometimes I have the best days. Today was a great day. I got my practicum placement and it was DS' birthday. Love that kid. Tswift came on and him and another kid were singing like loud and belting out the oooohhhh ohh ohh ooh ohhhhhh of we are never ever getting back together.

Now I'm lying on the cold hard ground.

I knew you were trouble when you walked in, so shame on me now.

Why does it always have to be so complicated?

Soo there's a boy in my class and I think he's wonderful. Like great looking guy, intelligent, makes me laugh. BUT he has a girlfriend.... from what I presume is quiet a long time. And well, she hates me.. and I've never even met her. We have every class together so we talk lots and there's a pretty strong chance that we are going to get placed close together for our practicums. He's an awesome guy and I actually enjoy having a conversation with him... aka he's not a hockey player that talks about himself all the time. He can have engaging and serious and insightful conversations but still joke around about ridiculous shit too.
Today he seemed really like sad it was weird. I thought he was going to cry. But it was funny because I was eating a banana and he was staring at me and of course me being me I was like helloo what is that look for. And he was like what look? And I just laughed.
He's been really good about my concussion too. And then tonight he texted me and we had a nice chat about being in the same school etc. But it was weird, he sent a wink face hahaha and I was with TK and she's like dude what kind of guy sends wink faces to a girl when he has a girlfriend? And I agreed so I didn't answer him. I can't be that girl again. I will not be the other girl. And yeah last time I had someone else too but I just cannot be the other girl. I don't want to go through the situation I went through with sunshine either. I just want it to be simple for once. Easy. Isn't it supposed to be easy?

Pitch Perfect.

I also went to Pitch Perfect tonight. Awful movie just terrible but seriously hilarious. Like laugh out loud for most of the movie. Clever little jabs that I found hilarious too.

Aca-awkward.

I had a nice awkward encounter with the hickey cowboy tonight. It was probably a 12 on a 1-10 scale of awkwardness. We both just did the awkward head nod hahahahaha.

Twilight.

I'm watching twilight because I'm pretty awesome in a thirteen year old girl type way. And I just wanted to point out that Robert Pattinson is super hot in a I'm a badass that would probably treat you shitty because I am a cocky Brit that dresses well.
And I also wanted to point out that Taylor Lautner is a complete and utter smokeshow that is incredibly sweet and adorable and was like 10 feet away from me in New York City.

Lame ass concussions.

My head still hurts immensely. Like it is so hard to concentrate. How do you get a concussion like this. Like hat bullshit.

They call this winning.

Just thought everyone would like to know that K folded my laundry this morning (whipped).
Then tonight his girlfriend brought us home made brownies and all the fixings then proceeded to make me a brownie sundae. Like hellooooo best life ever minus I'm gonna get fat with all her treats.

Heart of a fighter, I'm a survivor.

My roots are planted in the past and though my life is changing fast,
who I am is who I want to be.

What else is there.

I found out something interesting yesterday and I have kind of been thinking about it. The source isn't entirely reliable but I wasn't really surprised by the statement. I don't know what to think. It's hard you know when you want to trust people but you inherently don't. And in this case, if I trust one friend, I  would have been lied to by another. It's a lose-lose situation really. I don't know I guess I am just a little blown away by the idea. It's hard to imagine that the people you trusted most aren't really the ones you should trust most.
It's like some sort of perpetual symbol from the universe bonking me on the head repeatedly. "Do not trust anybody". It's like over and over I realize that people cannot be trusted and yet I still long to find someone worth trusting. I never even trusted number twelve completely. He is probably the closest I ever got, him or LG but I still don't trust either of them fully. I don't know. I wish I could just tell if people were lying. Like I had some sort of radar... I usually have a pretty good idea, but this is serious stuff. I always want to know the truth.

I love this.

"Feelings and/or emotions are complex- they are highly personal, unique and at times unusual, inexpressible. If you can, they are to be delicately expressed with the risk of still being greatly misunderstood. Words sometimes don't tell the whole picture no matter how hard you try. What I mean is that the words we choose to share, as they escape from the tips of our lips, are stories within the context of our own experiences, our own understanding; basically a charge of its own that is vastly different from yours." 

-Universoul Mind

http://universoul.tumblr.com/ 

It's always going to be there, isn't it.

JP and I kind of talked about number twelve tonight. And the other day she asked me if I still saw a future with him. And I kind of lied. I gave an ambiguous not really answer kind of answer. Tonight she told me she doesn't think this is the end but she's proud of me for the way I'm handling it. And the way I am burying it enough to live life without him and have fun as a 21 year old.
That meant a lot to me. I needed to hear that. She told me that there was something she saw in the way we look at each other. The way we are around each other. And it's easier when I don't see him. It's easier when I'm here and having fun and such. But I drove by him on Thanksgiving Monday and my stomach dropped and my heart melted. It ached. It longed.

Pain.

My head and neck hurt so much. I can barely move my head without it feeling sooo shitty. It hurts so much. I have a giant bump and turning my neck feels like death. I just want it to go away.

Immaturity.

Hahahahaha on a less serious note... I just tried to post weepies in my last post and it autocorrected to weenies hahahahahahahahahaha I'm literally laughing out loud because I am a 6 year old sometimes.

And the world spins madly on.

I thought of you and where you'd gone, and the world spins madly on.

-the weepies

Don't judge my choices if you don't understand my reasons.

Sometimes you have to care less in order to see if they'll care more.

Being free feels good.

I'm actually really proud of myself for going out and doing fun shit and being ridiculous and funny and acting 21 for once. Like I honestly love my life right now. I have no moral hangovers because I don't feel connected to number twelve anymore. I am finally free.
Free to be fun. Free to laugh. Free to be 21. Free to party. Free to be immature. Free to laugh at myself. Free of guilt. Free of obligations. Free of family drama. Free of friends. Free of the town I grew up in. Free of the people I used to love. Free of the person I used to be. Free to be me.

Studio problems

I'm pretty sure I have a concussion so that's awesome. Who pushes someone off a speaker at the bar? Apparently bitches who really like speaker dancing.

It's supposed to be give and take

I get frustrated sometimes because I do everything for certain friends and then I ask them to do something for me and they will do it only when it's convenient for them.

Keep on dreaming even if it breaks your heart.

I hate to break it to you but even if we're grown up, we're all still 15 at heart.

I think it's strange that you think I'm funny 'cause he never did.

I've been spending the last 8 months thinking all love ever does is break and burn and end, but on a Wednesday, in a cafe, I watched it begin again.

Be thankful.

If you ever need a reality check about life and how lucky we are to live the way we do instead of take it for granted, read Night by Elie Wiesel. It is one of my favorite books ever written and it always puts life into perspective. It also makes me question the human race and our capabilities... My capabilities.

For the first time in a long time, it wasn't about him.

P: How's lethvegas?
Me: Good, super busy. Different.
P: Why?
Me: Just different. This year I've made some really good new friends. I have fun instead of miss Number 12. I don't spend my days looking forward to going home or to Calgary... It's just different

I'll never forget.

I haven't seen you in forever, Oh you haven't changed a bit, You didn't think that I would remember, How could I forget.
-Kenny Chesney

I swore I was fine.

I lived in your chess game but you changed the rules every day. Wondering which version of you i might get on the phone tonight, I stopped picking up

Men's Humor

"#Thatawesomemoment when you see your X-Girlfriend and she is now your XL-Girlfriend"
bahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah literally laughing out loud right now hahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahaha

hard days are the best days.

Today was the first holiday in probably five years that I haven't seen or spoken to number twelve. That was hard. JP and I had a really good talk on the way home, we both shed some tears. It's hard you know. Love, life, relationships.
Despite how hard of a day it was, it was a good day. This morning we had brunch and I looked at my niece and said how did you get so smart? She looks and me and says "God" without even skipping a beat. I seriously love that little girl; that is true love.

Honesty.

I'm thankful for

I just read another holocaust book and started another one. I am a selfish bitch and if I ever wanted to really be thankful and appreciative, now is the time.
I am so incredibly thankful for all that I have in my life. I am so thankful for y family. My momma and daddy and my sisters. I'm thankful for my brother too. And auntie. And I'm thankful for monkey. I am thankful for her bossiness and her hugs and the way she tells me she loves me especially when she says it because she knows she's in trouble. I am thankful for my nephew's smile and his giggle. I'm thankful for the shit eating grin the two of them give each other. I am just thankful. I don't say it enough. I don't appreciate how lucky I really am because I am always so worried about what I don't have. And when I do appreciate things, I don't always make it know. So thank you. And I appreciate it. Everything. Every minute of every day, especially the hard ones. Thank you.

For the first time what's past is past.

On a Wednesday, in a cafe, I watched it begin again.

Clauddaugh

I took my ring off for you last time we had sex? That totally does not make sense.

I guess it is an engagement/ wedding ring and we are never ever getting back together.

Love nothing, love no one.

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket-safe, dark, motionless, airless-- it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable."

-C.S. Lewis. 

it's all funny.

The funny part is, I'm okay now. I'm not sad any more. I'm just hurt. I get sad for a few minutes and then I realize I deserve to be treated with respect and kindness. And more than anything I deserve unconditional love. I deserve a boy who loves me half as much as I love him.

strength.

I am not as strong as you might think. I'm actually not strong at all. I am really good at pretending I am strong.I am struggling today. Today is the first day I've really had a chance to think about number twelve. I never answered him on my birthday. And it was great to go out last week and have fun and let loose and think about another boy for a night or two. I have been so busy with school I really haven't had to face it. And earlier tonight I was in tears. It is hard to be without him. I think about that kid every single day. But I want to be strong enough to move on. I want to be strong enough to believe I deserve better.
I think that's the hardest part. I was never the girl boys liked. I mean I was, but not the girl the boys liked as more than a friend. I was the guy's girl. I had guy friends and we always had a blast but I was never the 'girlfriend' type. And it blows my mind because I have so many friends that always ask me for relationship advice and I try to help and I give my honest opinion most of the time but inside my head I'm like "HELLO ARE YOU FUCKED IN THE HEAD????????? I AM THE WORST EXAMPLE FOR RELATIONSHIPS EVER. MY EX-BOYFRIEND AND I HAD THE MOST FUCKED UP RELATIONSHIP EVER!"
I don't know I just like struggle because I am just like this is ridiculous. I want to find a boy that will treat me well but at the same time, I don't know if I will really give someone a real chance. I just want to be happy you know? Is that so much to ask?

from S.

"The loneliest people are the kindest. The saddest people smile the brightest. The most damaged people are the wisest. All because they do not wish to see anyone else suffer the way they do."

-Unknown

I really needed to hear that tonight.

Urban Dictionary: "A girl who hide's her pain with a smile everyday. Looks after everybody else before herself and never judges. Is silly and likes to joke around with her friends. She has a pure heart and a beautiful kind face. She is curvaceous and really sexy, but she doesn't think it. She is really self concious but everyone around her envies her. She loves sport and can hold her own, she is really tough and stands up for what she loves and won't let anyone get in her way. She is funny, sexy, sporty beautiful, smart and talented she would be the perfect girlfriend. She likes to flirt and muck around with the guys but when she has a boyfriend is completely faithful but is always afraid of losing them. The boys say all Brooke's are good kissers too."

The left-me-wanting-more feeling when he kissed me.

I should've just called him whiskey.

Hahahah classic

It wasn't 'a one night stand'. It was just "your audition" and you just didn't happen to make the cut.

blah.

This assignment will be the bane of my existence. But seriously. I have to create a lesson plan and handout and presentation on the social studies curriculum from k-12 and give specific examples of the differences.

I can love you like that.

"They read you Cinderella, you hoped it would come true;
That one day your Prince Charming would come rescue you."

-John Michael Montgomery

From the mouths of babes

My niece just called me. Hi auntie how's your neck? Hurts? Better go to the doctor"

I want you.

I don't know how some people do it. Like JP, I love that girl so much. She always has a boyfriend and I don't know how she does it. She's beautiful and she deserves it but I just can't imagine never being alone. I really love being alone sometimes. Today I am kind of wishing I had someone. I would love to have someone laying here with me on a Sunday morning not doing anything but enjoying laying together in bed.
I try to be strong most of the time. And most of the time I am more than okay with being completely alone. There are moments though, when all I really want is someone to be next to me. I crave that physical closeness. I think that's the hardest part for me. I am strong enough to be alone emotionally. But physically I need someone. I crave someone to just hold me, someone to be near me, next to me. That's what I want, it's what I need.
I miss Number Twelve sometimes. I miss him because he was my best friend. But I'm okay, I am strong enough to be alone and I have never been this okay without number twelve. I miss the little things like laying next to him or him squeezing me so tight I can barely breathe every time he hugs me. That's what I miss.
I don't want to be with someone. I don't want a relationship or any sort of emotional connection with someone. I'm not strong enough for that, I'm not ready for that. I just want a boy to be with me physically. I don't just mean sexually, I mean physically. I mean I want someone to be next to me. Is that so much to ask? I just want a boy to be near me. There is a comfort that comes from a physical closeness I cannot explain and that is all that I want.

Good ride cowboy, good ride.

Here's the thing. I actually love the feeling of hickeys but I hate how they look. They are so trashy. I love being kissed on the neck. I also love a man who controls the fuck out of me. Hot cowboy, yeah he did all of that. To accompany my hickeys aka my neck that looks like I was strangled, I have a huge bruise on my inner thigh. Like hello cowboy, clearly you know how to ride.
I have more hickeys than just on my neck and I have another bruise on my eye hahaha. Like shit got real. I would really like to have this boy progress to a common friend to fool around with. I don't want to up my notch count but basically the absolute last thing I want is to progress into any sort of relationship. I don't like relationships they are too time and energy consuming.

damn hickeys.

Sooo today I ordered pizza because I have been craving it forever and I'm pretty sure that the delivery guy thought I was like a rape victim or something. Like he looked at me and I didn't think to cover my neck because I am home and he just like stared at me. Then he was like hope you're okay have a good night honey. And not in like a creepy way like in a "does your boyfriend beat you kind of way".

It's not fair. We were supposed to have more time.

You can't erase who we were or what we had, no one can.

Character.

Well what'dya know, character changes everything.

Junior high parties

Fack look how bad this is. #embarrassing

Brain shut off please.

Did you ever notice the day you need a really good sleep you are wide awake?

And now I cannot sleep.

Only 17 hours of school/ homework today. I am a slacker an a half.

past the point of exhaustion, simply wide awake.

Why yes, I am still awake writing an essay on Harry Potter.

I'm a doctor. No big deal.

Autobiographical Poem

This is one of my assignments. We had to write a poem about ourselves then visually represent ourselves somehow. My poem says exactly who I am. The black and white, that's who I am. I like things clean and distinct and classy. I don't think 170 different colours necessarily makes it more artistic. Simplicity matters. And there is one tiny matte of grey. And that is who I am.

Life after love.

It's funny really. You hurt for so incredibly long. All you know is pain. Heartbreak. And then you realize one day you don't even feel pain anymore. You don't feel anything. Nothing.

Kim Crawford.

I think I deserve a glass of wine. Today, I went to class, wrote a 3 hour exam comprised of 3 essays and a describe and explain section. Then I finished 3 assignments for Ed and I am working on reading. Like is this day over yet?

Partners

I'm seriously so happy that fall television is on haha it's so nice! There is a new show called Partners. It's with Sophia Bush and it is hilarious.

too big.

Also my boobs are growing and becoming gigantic.

back to work.

I started back at Mox today. I forgot how much my feet hate it there and how much my bank account loves it there.

I'd settle for a slowdown.

I keep looking for the slightest sign that you might miss what you left behind.

Snow

I don't even really like snow. I hate it. And winter too. But right now I really want snow. I love fall and September and the leaves but all I want is some pretty snow to make a snow angel in.

Food for thought

It's funny you know, how much things change. I just saw a picture of a girl I went to middle school with. It seems crazy to me how much my life has changed. Every day it doesn't seem like much is different. Yet every day everything is different. It just seems funny, you know.
All the things you thought you were going to do and the people you thought were still going to be there and the person you thought you were going to be.

I wasn't always this way.