president kennedy.

"change is the law of life. and those who only look to the past or present are certain to miss the future."

brilliance.

do not pray for easy lives.
pray to be stronger men.

-jfk.

john f. kennedy.

"A man does what he must, in spite of personal consequences, in spite of obstacles and dangers and pressures, and that is the basis of all morality".

courage.

the courage of life is often a less dramatic spectacle than the courage of a final moment; but it is no less a magnificent mixture of triumph and tragedy.

- john f. kennedy

you know you wouldn't want it any other way.

I'm your hell,
I'm your dream.
I'm nothing in between.

a magnificient mixture of triumph and tragedy.

I am a stuck up bitch. I am cocky and unreasonable and I often overreact. I am the least spontaneous person you will ever meet. I am cold and I distance myself from most people and the world. I am moody and I'm critical. I am peticular beyond belief. I am judgemental and selfish. I'm shallow and materialistic. And I give people way too many chances.
I am all of these horrible things; but I am also genuine. I'm honest and kind and trustworthy. I am funny. I will protect you and defend you with my life as soon as you mean something to me. I'm thoughtful and loyal. I am loving and I'm smart. I will give my everything for you even if I get nothing in return. I'm courageous and supportive. And I'm wise. I give good advice and I will be one of the best friends you've ever had if you let me.
I am me.
I just wish it were enough.

ever thine, ever mine, ever ours.

I'm unrealistic. I guess that's it. I have such a distorted view of reality. There are so many things in my life that I just want to be perfect. And I see everything in some ideal world of perfection. I have high expectations of myself and of others. I'll admit I'm often unreasonable-- especially when it comes to forgiving myself. I see things in a light of perfection. I plan everything and I map everything out so that I am in complete control. I see my life as some love story, some success story, some idealistic movie of my perfect world. So what do I do--lower my expectations and be unsatisfied with less than what I want and feel I deserve I've earned OR keep the view that my perfect world is attainable and be disappointed if it's not?

letters to my immortal beloved.

I wrote number twelve a letter tonight. I haven't in awhile. I've been avoiding it because they make me sad. Mostly because they make me face my issues and really express everything I have to say. I pour my heart and soul into them. I don't even know if I'm ever going to let him read them. I just feel lighter somehow after. I mean I usually cry while I'm writing them. I'm sure some of them are so smudged from tears they're barely legible. I write love letters to a boy. How lame am I? Like what is this, some kind of seventeenth century lack of technology romance. Or perhaps some ridiculous love story in a movie that's unrealistic. They make me feel better I guess, because I've always been so afraid to express how I really feel about him. To really say how much I love him and how much he's hurt me too. I guess it's a way for me to just let it go.

I believe in you, I believe in us.

When you believe in a thing,
believe in it all the way;
implicitly and unquestionably.

- Walt Disney.

as we go on, we remember, all the times we had together.

I was pretty mean to phlg the other day. I guess I'm just fed up with her bullshit. First, she got mad at me because I didn't go to the bar. A short few weeks before, she told me I was the worst friend ever because I didn't answer her excessive phone calls and texts at 3am. So I asked her if she did ecstasy the other night and she said nope. About two hours later I found out that they did mdma. Now I'm not a drug dealer, but I do know that mdma is a purer form of ecstasy. In my opinon, that's a lie (please, correct me if you disagree). So I was upset with her and I told her so. She flipped out about how it's her life and she'll do what she wants etc. And I am perfectly fine with that but I also told her that I am going to tell her when I disagree with her life choices and they involve serious things like drugs. In my opinion, that's what friends do. I don't want to be friends with someone who will watch me have an eating disorder and drug problem and not say anything so I'm not going to do that to my friends. Especially, the one who's supposed to be my best friend.
So we fought for awhile and then she said you keep making up excuses to not talk to me or not be friends with me so if you don't wanna be friends anymore then don't If you're gonna start a fight with me everytime we talk then what's the point. I responded with something along the lines of, well I really don't talk to anybody (I don't really. I do homework all the time). And then I told her that she gets mad at me when we talk because I call her out on her bullshit but she also gets mad at me when I don't talk to her because I'm focusing my energy on other more productive things. Make up your fucking mind already.
I'm really not sure how exactly she responded but it was something along the lines of me being on a high horse and such. And how I give everyone else second chances and she does the right thing 95 percent of the time but I hold against her her 5 percent fuck ups.
I was really rude after that and I really don't feel guilty at all because I have been feeling this way for so long. I'm just so over being friends with someone who makes me feel like a bad friend and a bad person. I said join the club because I'm so tired of being told I'm a bad friend because I'm not as open with other people as they are with me. I have been so fed up with how she treats me and what she's doing with her life that I just kind of snapped. I don't want to associate with people who do drugs. I don't want my best friends to be angry with me because I don't want to party, or I want to spend time alone or with my family. Or because I used to drop everything at the hat for everyone else and I don't anymore.
I just hit a breaking point and I basically told her this, "I'm sorry I had the balls to move out of my parents house and grow up. Good luck at rdc with the same life, the same friends and the same maturity level as high school".
I know that it was harsh but I'm just so done. I mean I have friends who just turned 18 and aren't even out of high school that are more mature and can have more realistic conversations. And I know the rdc thing is a widespread generalization but there's a lot of people that only go there because they are too immature and too cowardly to grow up. I have seen some of my friends change so much and others that are exactly the same as they were four years ago when they were 16.
That's not the kind of people I want in my life. I want friends that want to grow with me and support me and help me become a better person and achieve the goals I have. And maybe I am on a high horse in your opinion but I'm just so over RD. I'm so over the high school drama party party party bullshit. I'm tired of people trying to make me feel guilty for moving away and growing up and changing. I shouldn't have to feel guilty because I've changed and matured and I want different things in my life. So I'm not sorry.

goodbye to you, goodbye to everything that I knew.

My friends are really shifting right now. And I think it has more to do with me than with them. I've been best friends with phlg for like 8 years and I love her to death. We're just on really different pathways in life. I want really different things than a lot of my friends. And I'm really starting to notice which friends are supportive and which friends are upset with me because I want to do something with my life. I don't do drugs, I don't spend every weekend partying and I really don't like going to the bar. I like doing well in school and going to the gym and meeting new people that support me and like me for who I am and who I want to be instead of who I used to be. I'm just really over who I was in highschool. VL and I had this crazy chat at the library last night about who we were in highschool and all the things we wish we'd done differently. He's really starting to realize that his friends are going to change soon too.
There are so many people from RD that just don't realize that life in the real world is not RD. It's not a big drama fest of high school and the same people and the same problems. I don't want to be the same. I want to grow and change and be someone. I wish that some of the people there would realize their potential and get out before it's too late.

everybody's changing.

I'm really doing okay right now. Alone. I mean don't get me wrong, I miss him and love him. I'm just really not ready for a relationship or anything that accompanies it. Not because I'm hanging out with other boys or because I want to slut it up. I just want some time to figure who I am and what I really want out of life. I guess that's just it, I just want to be me for a little while. I want him in my life, I need him in my life. I feel like everything is changing and for one of the first times in my life I'm really ready to embrace the change.

Good Morning Sunshine.

OH AND my sister called me from Dublin this morning. I"m so very sad that she's gone but so very happy for her. It's mostly just weird not talking to her all day everyday. I'm really happy for her, sounds like she's having fun. I also just realized it hasn't even been 48 hours since I've seen here. Oh boy. What am I going to do with my life.

good morning.

BOTH my classes got cancelled today. How fabulous is that? SO fabulous because I got to sleep in AND I'll get lots done when I get to the library. I'm also planning to do my hair and wear jeans today. bahaha S, right now you're like oh no what does she wear to school. I am without a doubt a lulu girl to school most days. Jeans ususally 2-3 days a week but lulus come out because I go to the school from like 7/8/9am to 9/10/11 pm. The other night I was there until 11:45. It is just impractical to dress up for me. But I definitely think how you look beautiful every day is incredible. Keep up the good work! (But only because I know that's who you are and what you like... not because you wouldn't look beautiful in lulus because you would!)

oh so cosmo.

bahahahahaha I wish in Canada you could submit men to Cosmo's bachelor of the year. I would absolutely love to submit number twelve. He'd kill me as soon as he knew but hell it'd be funny.

note.

also, my ass hurts like a LOT. haha I am sooo sore.

it's flawless, it's really something, it's fearless.

you're just so cool,
run your hands through your hair;
absent-mindedly making me want you.

the only one that's got enough of me to break my heart.

he's the song in the car I keep singing,
don't know why I do.

if it's meant to be, it will be.

Well I visited number twelve after the airport today. It was just so easy, so nice, so fun to just talk and hang out. I was only there for like forty-five minutes. It felt like ten. He then put windshield washer fluid in my vehicle (I honestly know NOTHING about cars, minus what I've learned from him). He told me that it wasn't long enough, that our hang out session was too short. unfortunately I had to head back to class. I just love that kid. He is just so incredible to just be around. NC thinks I shouldn't be doing this to myself, actually almost everyone does. I appreciate their concern, I really do. To me, a relationship is between the people in it. No one else knows how you feel about each other. And if you're secure, no one else should have to. Now I'm not saying I want to date number twelve right now. But I do love him and he is important to me and if I'm really honest I really don't want to be with anybody right now. I want to be comfortable with who I am. I want to just figure out who I am and who I'm going to be and exactly what I want and don't want in life. He is a really crucial part of my life and from what I feel and see, a crucial part of my future. We both have lots left to do in this world. Plenty of time to grow and change and become the people we're meant to be. And neither of  us know right now whether it will be friends or more but right now, we really don't need to. I guess that's been my issue for the last six months. I've been forcing it so hard and so has he because we just know how much we love each other. But maybe we just need to slow down, enjoy each other's company and see where life takes us.

you can't choose to be in love, you just fall.

I woke up today to a message from number twelve that had me literally laughing out loud. I miss him. Just talking to him and having him in my life. I guess that I always will miss him when he's not in my life. I'm in love with him. And that's not going to go away, ever.

i'm dying to know if it's killing you like it's killing me.

i'm scared to see the e n d i n g,
why are we pretending this is nothing?
i'd tell you i miss you, but i don't know how.

the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now.

i used to think one day we'd tell the story of us,
how we met and the sparks flew instantly.
people would say, "they're the lucky ones".

i've never heard silence quite this loud.

this is looking like a contest,
of who can act like they care less;
but i liked it better when you were on my side.

pain = being in shape... right?

someone please come rescue me. i had a fabulous night, really. i spent 9-11:30 at the gym. and i can already feel how damn sore i'm going to be. i never meant to, it just kinda happened. i played in my first floor hockey game tonight =). it was actually really fun. that's why i was at the gym so long. i went to the gym and worked out around 9 and i decided to do cardio tonight because i ate terribly on the weekend and today wasn't much better so i really wanted to kill some of today's calories at least. i mean i went to the gym yesterday but i just wanted to really get today's off. so i was recruited to be the girl on the floor hockey team. the only part that sucks is that there must be a girl on the floor at all times so since i was he only girl, i played the whole time. my bum is going to be well shaped tomorrow!

any song sung by George Strait is country at its best.

I"ve been to church, I've read the book
I know He's here but I don't look near as often as I should.
His fingerprints are everywhere, I slow down to stop and stare
open my eyes and man I swear,
I saw God today.

dreams.

i had a dream about the p family last night. pp is sooo sexy and i used to be really good friends with s. they are like the most gorgeous family in the whole world. a is getting married this summer and i'm super excited for her. i really like that family. it was a good dream =)

don't lose your faith.

don't look away,
don't run away;
baby, it's only life.

do you believe in magic?

native science.

i have so much to talk about but i really need to finish this nas paper that is due in less than 11 hours. i'm not even in la so bd is handing it in for me as long as i send it before the morning. so basically i started writing it half an hour ago and i'm about a third of the way done. it's stupid but i really just don't even care about this paper.

my broken heart's been shattered one too many times.

i just had to lie to my dad. he walked up the stairs while i was crying and i heard him so i wiped my tears and pretended to be doing homework. he asked me if i'm getting a cold because i'm sniffling and my eyes are puffy. i told him yes, because i'm crying so damn hard that i'd rather be getting a cold. because i cry so often that my eyes are permanently puffy. i don't even wear mascara anymore because it'll have washed off before my day is done.

the three words that made me whole and shattered me.

i know how ridiculous i sound. i really do. i always told girls that he's just a boy. but most people don't see a future and fall in love with someone at 16. that's what i did. we were 16 years old when i saw that boy in my future. and i never told anybody that because i didn't want to admit it. i thought it was the 'love' that people talk about when they date for 2 months. and to me, that's not love. i was afraid that i would just be one of those girls. i never wanted us to be the couple that said i love you and broke up a month later. that's just not who i am. i never wanted to tell someone i was in love with him until i was really sure i was. so i didn't. i waited two and a half years to tell the boy that i loved that since the day i met him that i loved him. and he knew i meant it. he was almost in tears because he knew that it took everything i had to say those words out loud. and now he's gone.

how did you just walk away?

what hurts the most,
was being so close.
and having so much to say,
and watching you walk away.

and i know that 30 seconds in his arms would make it all okay.

i'm trying so hard to pretend i'm strong. to pretend like i'm doing okay. like i don't miss him every minute of every single day. i'm trying to convince myself that someday i'll be okay without him. that one day i will wake up and my heart won't hurt anymore. i'm trying to convince myself that this isn't destroying me. that i don't want to curl up into a little ball and die. i'm trying so hard to put all my effort into school and my health just to keep myself from thinking about how badly i want to give up. i am just so damn broken. i don't honestly know what to do. i'm just trying to convince myself that i'm strong enough to be alone. i just miss him so much. i don't understand. i love him so much, every single part of me loves every single part of him. and i don't honestly believe that i'm ever going to be okay again.