the chigago school.

i just know what sociology exams are like. i'm pretty much fucked being that it's entirely multiple choice so i guess it doesn't even matter how much i study. may as well try my best. wish me luck.

deviance is entirely socially structured.

i should reallly be studying. i just can't find it. well best try again.

do you want to be a blue devil?

i surely do. i want to go to duke so bad. and it's terrible but i was just so afraid. i want to get out of this comfort zone of going home every weekend and having my family like so involved in my life and just live. i want to do something that isn't me. that doesn't involve me taking care of everyone else, all the time. i could've gone but i was scared. and now i have no idea why. i wish i could win the lottery or something so i could actually afford to go without putting dad in debt. see that's just it, unless i won the lottery or something, my parents would never allow me to pay for my education. and i'm really thankful for that because i wouldn't even qualify for student loans so i definitely would not be going to school right now.

i want to go to duke. so bad. you don't understand what it's like there. i've wanted this for a long time, i wrote my sats, all of it. i was so enthralled by the idea. i even made our family vacay two summers ago be to north carolina. probably the most amazing thing ever. i love it there. i felt so at home there. it was so me. everything about it. i think i needed to do what i have, but if it were financially viable, i'd be there in a second.

here's to hoping.

duke university.

i should've followed my dream.

death before thursday.

please, i'm begging you all.
LEAVE ME ALONE.
i hate telemarketers. i could never do that job because seriously everyone hates you. i was trying to have a nap because i went to bed at 4 last night. i'll explain that garbage later. but i'm just so exhausted so i decided to have a short nap so i could actually study for soci tomorrow. but the phone kept ringing and i was so pissed off. and now i'm just grouchy. like not wanting to study at alll. but i have no choice. tomorrow i have TONS to talk about. last night, today, baby. poli. etc. i'm freaking exhausted. i think i may shut my phone off at like 9 and study for the next 3 maybe 4 hours then ggooooo to bed.
fml. wish me luck.

one last confession.

today i told sofa king i wish i'd have followed my dreams. i think my biggest regret is not going to duke. it's ridiculously expensive and i couldn't rationalize the cost of an american education(below canadian standard). daddy said he'd have paid and i really wish i had've gone. but i didn't some maybe some day.

hey, a girl can dream right?

unc vs. duke.

march 6 would be ideal.
unless you know something i don't about the tar heels playing the blue devils during march madness.

i ain't in checotah(rd) anymore.

anyways, i'm beat. and the drugs are kicking in.
early morning, i can't wait.
goodnight.

march madness.

dear little baby nephew/niece,
please be born on a day duke wins. then you can be my duke baby. i love you already little one. i'm soo excited and i'll be the best auntie you can ever imagine. i've been waiting for this for as long as i can remember. i promise i won't let you down.
i love you, come soon please.
love your auntie b.

don't worry about nothing, pray about everything.

maybe in part because i'm going to be an auntie soon. and i a just so excited. it's finally started to hit me. it's march now. she's due in march. this is real. plus march madness. this is gonna be a goood month.

and i have no idea why.

but i'm ready to go home.

being alone isn't the same as being lonely.

for the most part i'm actually not lonely. it's a nice break from the world that i can retreat to, without interruption. i like living alone. i needed to come here to get some space from rd. i love it, i really do but everyone needs to get out at some point or another. i needed to realized i wasn't such bad company. i needed to let go of my past and all the things and people that reminded me of things i can't change. i needed to breathe. i needed to learn what is important to me, who is important to me. and who isn't suited for my life, who isn't healthy for me. i needed to grow up, learn what the real world is like; at least to a certain degree. i needed to realize how lucky i am, and not take it for granted.

don't you ever get lonely?

i'm ready for school to be over. only 6 weeks of classes, 3 essays, a midterm, and 3 finals left. i'm really ready to come home. that sounds weird because i really needed to get out, i needed the space.

and the loser racks.

my eyes like hurt i'm so exhausted.

i didn't mean want to do this again.

i think i have to break a heart saturday. and i'm not looking forward to it. but i guess leading someone on is worse than breaking their heart? oui? non?

ps. i miss hockey.

i really miss going to watch the boys i know, the boys i'm friends with play hockey every week. i miss that life. it seems so long ago.

with you.

i had a really good night. i really needed to chat with dragon, it's been way too long. and it was nice to go watch kodiak and his team. he's such a nice boy, genuinely. i don't know how she got so lucky to find a good one, hockey player i mean. they're few and far between. we talked for like literally like 3 hours and then we went to the game and talked more. like legitmately i haven't seen her since january. that's depressing.

yellow submarine.

oh itunes. not helpful.

an old flame i can't get past.

i should really, really be studying but i decided to give myself the evening off. i studied this afternoon and had class for my midterm this morning but i needed tonight. i'm too exhausted, mentally, physically, AND emotionally.

i hate being a girl.

i am in so much pain right now.

decision.

i'm going to bed.
6am i can't wait.
please kill me now.

please may i go to sleep now?

i'm just so exhausted. my brain is dying and i want sleeep.
i can't go though because i have like 4 chapters to do tomorrow(i did 6 already today) but dragon is coming tomorrow and i actually have like legit class for 3 hours instead of today's 45 minutes. i guess that means i cannottt procrastinate tomorrow.

an old flame i can't get past.

i wish this feeling would just go away. it really has gotten better with time, but will it ever go away completely? i'd just like to be able to listen to one song that doesn't remind me of you.

it's a dirt road trip down memory lane.

it really is every reason that i left,
and every reason i go back.

break over.

alright well that's about all the time i have.
best get the nose back to the grindstone.

tiny little footprints.

s, this is a very informal proposition. i am soon to be an auntie. how do you feel about taking pictures with the new little one? i promise i'll wait until school is OVER because it is absolutely nuts, i know. however i have been waiting to not be the youngest for 18 years, therefore this is quite important to me and i think it would be a neat incorporation of my loveeeee.

breathing room.

so i decided like the second i get home from school i'm going to redo my room and perhaps move into brit's old room. she has a closet and i don't and her room is bigger. i want to incorporate some quotes and phlg has already told me she's so into helping me do everything. i want to make a picture wall that is extremely creative and really shows the importance of my friends. AND i was thinking i perhaps have an idea. (see next blog) i want to make my closet somewhat immature, so it can be the place with my old things, to kind of keep my youth as a reminder to not grow too old too fast. ps. i am VERY open to suggestions of neat things, (s, that means you... you're far more creative than i) and i was looking at my blog and i think it might be neat to get that 3 pictures of tswift printed(high quality, perhaps in black and white) i think they are really neat and they have some important meaning to me. ah yes, nice study break brooke.

where the wild things are.

i really, really, really, really don't want to study.
oh well, such is life. time to suck it up.

this is your fault.

i can't resist.
before you go, tell me this;
was she worth it? was she worth this?

on second thought...

there's always a second thought. always. roll up the rim season is wonderful, i truly love it. it's kind of sad this year though, to go through it without sunshine. literally every day of grade twelve we did something, probably 95% of the days we went to tim's and 100% of the days during roll up the rim. we used to go for starbucks every morning during our spare, the tripod. big brother, sunshine and myself. and it was awesome. i miss that. but i'm doing good and every time i hit some sort of good ground with where i am regarding sunshine, something like this happens and it kicks me in the stomach. this morning less that 3 minutes after i changed my fb status about roll up the rim, he changed his. we are literally that much in sync and it's kind of scary. at first, i was a bit sad, disappointed maybe. but i'm doing really good and i want to keep it that way.

roll up the rim.

i love roll up the rim season.. it seems like everyone cheers up for a little while and it's nice. not to mention it's finaaalllyyy march. in like a week and a half march madness starts and i'm so stoked. (fyi. that is ncca boys basketball) and it is better than the nba. you can watch 4 games at a time and it's so freaking cool. ah i love it.best time of the year.

hotel california.

i am in such a weird mood.
unfortunately, i need to snap out of it. midterms don't really care how you feel.

we are canadian.

i'm sorry to all americans, but did you really think we'd let you win on home soil? we just wanted to make it interesting. it's our game, now you know. don't ever forget that. well done boys.

they'll never be another you.

i could search my whole life through; it's no use.

that's what i lovve about sundays.

sorry for the last blog, i needed to rant, clearly.
on a better note, daddy is on is way here.

real mature.

can people learn to mind their own fucking business? seriously you are one of the most immature people i've ever met and it's actually like pathetic. stop trying to intervene and defend her after 3 days ago you saying you need my help because you don't know how to deal with it. well fuck you and the high horse you rode in on. all three of you know if there's a problem, i'll be the one to solve it. no mattter what it is. and you all come to me. so fuck you and stay out of it. it wasn't your conversation. i'm not afraid to stand up to my best friend and tell her what i think, it's called honesty and a GOOD RELATIONSHIP so get the fuck over it. her and i have an agreement, i don't want her to take my side, i want her to put me in my place and tell me the things i don't want to hear but need to. and she wants that too. seriously i'm so fucking tired of immature highschool kids who know fuck all about the real world. i'm sorry you've lived in red deer your entire life, and you've gone through a slight few tragedies in your life and you know i've gone through hell; that's why you come to me.. because you know i've probably been there. you guys wonder why i refuse to live with you and don't really know how i feel about going home next year? you don't understand your immaturity levels and it's so annoying. obivously moving alone in another city made me GROW UP AND BE MATURE beyond any idea you could fathom. ugh i get so frustrated and i want to tell you so bad i just couldn't stay awake because some of us have to study, some of us aren't okay with getting a 60. by all means good luck getting into university with that. i'm terribly sorry you don't have the balls to approach what is supposed to be one of your best friends but don't get mad and put it all on me because i'm not afraid of her. i'm not afraid to hurt your feelings, we're best friends and if you want a good, honest relationship then sometimes hearing the truth is gonna be shitty. but you and your sister don't understand that so you pout and make us look like bad friends for tell you the truth. and you do it to both of us and i am so fucking done with it. fuck you.