all she wanted was just something to hold onto, that's all she needs.

Do you ever just wish that you could wake up one day and all of it would be okay again? I mean the stress, the hurt, the brokenness... it'd just all disappear and you could go back to the happy little girl you used to be when the biggest problem in your life was deciding who got to be which barbie. Boy were ucky in reality and in your mind you just saw the fairytale.

10+2.

So on Saturday, I wrote a letter to number twelve. And I know you're probably like wow lame. I mean I have a box full of letters for him beside my bed but this was a letter I actually sent. For the most part, the other letters are a whole lot more intense and I've been on the fence about actually sending this one because well I'm afraid. But it's not like a love letter, which is why I sent it. It doesn't talk about our romantic relationship, it talks about our friendship which is what I'm most worried about. I mean I love the kid, don't get me wrong. I probably always will. But I miss my best friend, which unless you've been that involved with someone who was your best friend before, you'll never ever understand why I miss him.
I mean most people don't understand it, but I want my husband to be my best friend. That's important to me. And I guess that I just needed him to know that I still think about him and I want him in my life even though we can't be together. I couldn't find stamps on Saturday at the place I went but yesterday I never looked and so today I just kind of got some stamps and put it in the mailbox before I could take it back, before I had time to overanalyze or regret it. And I don't. I guess we just see what happens next.

girly.

I was such a girl today hahah. So tonight I was watching tv after k went to his room and then I saw a huge spider and started freaking the fuck out and text him and told him he had to come kill it. ahahahahaha then he came out and he's like smallest spider ever, can't even believe you right now and beaked for awhile hahaha. probably the girliest thing he has ever seen me do.

story of my life.

She left town early on a Friday,
headin down to family in New Orleans.
Said she needed to feel the sun on her face,
talk it out with herself,
try to get things straight.
But all I know is I don't wanna breathe.

I wish I was cold as stone,
Then I wouldn't feel a thing.
I wish I didn't have this heart,
Then I wouldn't know the sting of the pain.
I could stand strong and still,
watching you walk away.
I wouldn't hurt like this,
or feel so all alone.
I wish I was cold as stone.

Almost turned around in Mississippi,
pulled over on the shoulder along the way.
Thought by now, I'd be fine
But all these tears are bluring every line.
And I think back to when you were mine.
I wish I was cold as stone,
Then I wouldn't feel a thing.
I wish I didn't have this heart,
Then I wouldn't know the sting of the pain.
I could stand strong and still,
watching you walk away.
I wouldn't hurt like this,
or feel so all alone.
I wish I was cold as stone.

Yeah, it's gonna take forever to get over you.
Oh, and I don't think this pain's gonna go away.
Oh, scars left when it's said and done remain.

I wish I was cold as stone.
I wish I was cold as stone.

I wish I was cold as stone,
Then I wouldn't feel a thing.
I wish I didn't have this heart,
Then I wouldn't know the sting of the pain.
I could stand strong and still,
watching you walk away.
I wouldn't hurt like this,
or feel so all alone.

I wish I was cold as stone.
I wish I was cold as stone.

after everything, I must confess: I need you.

so babe if you know everything,
tell me why you couldn't see;
when I left, I wanted you to chase after me.

smokeshow.

Seriously MH is one of the hottest guys I have ever met/ had a conversation with ever. Like seriously. He is so unbelievably sexy. hahahahahaahahah From what I hear, he's a bit of a skankbag. However, he's sexy enough that he could probably go out every night and bring home a different gorgeous girl every night. He is a nice kid, at least any time I've ever spoken to him.
In fact, he's the only reason I ever tried smoking. I never had any desire to smoke, but he was at my house one night, and so I decided if I smoked with him I would hahahaha I don't even know. Ha it was ridiculous grade 10 business hahahahaha.
Last night and tonight I drove them to the bar and seriously, he got in my car tonight and my olfactory system started to go into overdrive. He smelled soooooo good. So of course me being me hahahaha I'm like someone smells incredible and they're like what does it smell like? HM is like it's probably not me cause I just took a shit. Hahah I'm like oh nice. Then ID was like well MB and I are wearing the same stuff... does it smell citrus-y? And then MH is like yeah I'm wearing Hugo. I wanted to be like yeah it's you, I knew the second you got in the car it was you ahahaha but I refrained. Gotta play it cool you know, he just broke up with his gf. bahahahaha I'm just giddy and being ridiculous. bedtime for this girl.