I know I'm so fucked.

I am honestly so pathetic but I am still smiling about last night. It makes me feel incredible to have someone like MH hit on you. I have never ever been that girl and boys are just a really scary and uneasy thing for me. I'm friends with boys, I pick them up from the bar, I go to the gym with them, drink beers, watch sports. Boys don't ever hit on me. Like ever. And I think it's harmed my self esteem in away. I'm also not the pretty girl. Guys don't look at me ever and go "she's so hot," instead they go that girl can lay the throw down. In fact on Wednesday night I was talking with two boys and I said something and he's like yeah I bet you could beat the shit out of someone, and I was like why and he's I've seen you at the gym b. 

I am very very self conscious but I don't really show that. People just think I'm a judgemental bitch most of the time. But I'm not and my size has always been an issue for me. I'm not tiny and I'm never going to be tiny. In the last few months since I started working out with TH and following his resistance training program, I've started to see results.  And I love it. I feel so much better about myself. I know boys are looking at me and I just LOVE it. It's honestly pathetic. And that's why when someone like MH is giving me attention it literally makes me giddy an embarrassing amount. I slept so well last night. I went to bed happy and woke up happy despite my 6 hours of sleep. I need to feel like someone other than number twelve will be attracted to me, someone else might possibly fall in love with me someday. 

And I know how completely fucked up that must sound. But every other boy hat shows interest makes it my day a lttle easier without number twelve. And every boy makes me feel a little better about myself. And that's a really nice change for me. 

I'm such an idiot.

Why do I love him sooo much? Why is he so beautiful? 

Feeling pretty good tonight.

I'm sorry but when MH is sending you multiple winks and encouraging some things you melt a little inside. 

I'm thankful for good friends who remind me of my worth.

but actually I'm in love.

Dear BH,
I am actually like head over heels in love with you. Please have actually noticed me like I think at the gym last week. You are beautiful, kind, incredible at your job and I can't stop staring. The fact that you treat people as kind as you do and make everyone you speak to feel important is an admirable quality. I stare at you from afar often and hope to gain the courage to speak to you soon.
Sincerely,
BB.

Drives me crazy.

Also, pet peeve: when I can see you read my message and don't reply. Come on.

fuck.

Sometimes I'm an idiot when I'm drunk. Okay most of the time.

Love is timeless.

"You don't measure love in time. You measure love in transformation. Sometimes the longest connections yield very little growth, while the briefest of encounters change everything. The heart doesn't wear a watch- it's timeless. It doesn't care how long you know someone. It doesn't care if you had a 40 year anniversary if there is no juice in the connection. What the heart cares about is resonance. Resonance that opens it, resonance enlivens it, resonance calls it home. And when it finds it, the transformation begins..."

This is from my favourite blog, doesn't post often but all the posts make me think.

http://universoul.tumblr.com/