Beauty.

When I saw you I fell in love, and you smiled because you knew.
- William Shakespeare

weatherman said, it's gonna snow, by now I should be used to the cold

and they say I'll be okay,
but I'm not going to, ever get over you.

and she thinks she needs me.

Yeah, the funny thing is:
she thinks she's the lucky one.

JJH.

I have a brand new baby nephew. I cannot wait to see him.

Yo bro, wine.

I concur.

poooor b.

My poor sister has been in labour since yesterday at supper time. She went to the doctor yesterday and they decided to induce her and then the stubborn little fucked decided he/she was not ready to come out. She was pretty much at a standstill until like 8pm today when she was just in terrible pain. Now, pretty much back at a stand still and only dilated 3cm.
Also, everything about pregnancy and childbirth is fucking disgusting. Everything she tells me makes me want to vomit. You should have pregnant and new mothers talk to teenagers. Best birth control ever.

That song is always on so you sing along.

You're trying not to get lost in the sound.

Nerves

I should without a doubt be preparing for tomorrow... but I'm not. Instead I am lurking on the internet watching stupid videos.

perspective.

Perspective is such a funny thing. I honestly love perspective. The idea of putting on a pair of glasses in the sense that we view every issue. My set of lenses is different from everyone else, and it changes each day, with every new experience I encounter. That's why I love social studies, social science. I want to teach students to have multiple perspectives. I want students to see things from a multiplicity of views. I want them to see the world from different eyes so that they can show everyone else how do change their lenses, change their outlook.
Perspective is funny, it's ever-changing.

tomorrow maybe?

Oh, p.s. my sister is in labour. They induced her this evening around supper time. Apparently she hasn't dilated anymore so they are sending her to bed at the hospital and will check in the morning.
By the way, everything about children, pregnancy and childbirth is disgusting. Just another reason I never want the little fuckers.

We love you kid.

I am kind of frustrated. I honestly think it's incredible how much RD has come together in support of suicide awareness and to support KW. It is honestly heartbreaking that it had to come to this. At the same time, I think this is dangerous. I think that the amount of publicity this is getting could make other kids think this is a good idea. I don't mean the kids who are seriously depressed, I mean the kids who are attention starved.
I am so proud of those kids but I fear that their graduation year is going to be ruined by suicide awareness. While I think it's incredibly important to promote suicide and I think awareness is important, I also think prevention, coping strategies and the stages of grief are important. I find it difficult to believe that KW's family and friends have completed the stages of grief because they haven't had the time to feel. They haven't had the time to be angry and depressed and guilty.
I fear those kids graduation day when it is going to be spent discussing their grad service project on suicide awareness and dedicated to the loving memory of their best friend who isn't there.
I just think we need to take KW's life, along with the other lives lost in the community this year and love them. Love them, honour their memory, and prevent this from happening to other students, other families, other friends, other communities. We have to love them. We have to love.

it's always going to be there, you and me.

It's really hard having this this with number twelve. I use the term "this thing" because loving him scares me and I fear using the phrase "this love". I also think "relationship" is a poor word choice because it's not the conventional relationship type relationship nor is it the friendship type relationship or familial type relationship.
He said something the other day at coffee that bothered me. He said that every choice he ever made in lethvegas was a bad one and at the time I kind of joked about it but it actually really bothered me. And somehow, I've found my courage again when it comes to him because today I asked him if he really thinks they were all bad. While I feared he would say yes, a small part of me almost wished for it because it would make it so much easier. If he told me every decision he made here was bad and he regretted it, I would probably never speak to him again. However, he didn't say that. Instead, after arguing that my inquiry lacked purpose and relevance, he said something along the lines of regret is stupid because every choice we make makes us who we are so he cannot regret that.
It was good and hard to hear that. If he'd have said yes, they were all bad, I would have said one of two things. I would have not responded, or responded with November 12, 2009 and not responded no matter what he said.
It seems silly but it's just a hard place. I love him so much and it was so incredibly normal and easy and relaxing to just sit there talking about our lives and our futures on Friday. It was nice to sip tea while he sipped his coffee and remember all of the days we did that at his house, or mine. It was just to just look at him and have him comment on every aspect of what I was wearing, every aspect of my life really. His clever comments, snide but loving remarks.
He pointed out my watch. His family is literally obsessed with watches and I very rarely, if ever, wear watches. When I teach, I like wearing a watch because it is less obvious than looking at the clock at least, from the students' perspective. And of course, he noticed and commented. It's the simply little silly things like that that make me miss him every single day. Those are the things that make me miss speaking to him every day, and seeing him at every chance I get.
While I understand that being that involved in each other's lives right now is not functional nor appropriate nor fair to either of us, it doesn't make it any easier. I think the hardest part is knowing that there is still a uniquely beautiful love there, a caring, an understanding, yet at the same time knowing and recognizing that the timing is not right. It was hard to listen to him talk about leaving in the fall. And please do not mistake me for not being so incredibly proud of him and believing in him and committed to loving him and supporting him through every single minute of that experience, I am, but I will miss that man every minute of every day.
And it's funny because for so long he was just a boy, but he's not a boy anymore. He has grown up immensely. He has grown beautifully and kindly and slowly. There is a love in my heart and a special place that only he will ever attain. And I'm okay with that, I've come to terms with that. Seeing him makes me so proud and feel so incredibly blessed to have been a part of his life, part of his transition from boy to man.
I think that usually, I'm heartbroken beyond belief when I see number twelve. And seeing him, it was hard but it was also wonderful. It was so nice to just see him and spend time with him, sober, not in bed together, just hanging out old school style. I love him so much and he makes me so incredibly happy. And my heart broke when he was talking about going away but at the same time, I know that this is best for him in his life. As a result, I will miss him and love him every day and my pride and support will grow for him every day.

best lyrics.

"I have gathered that the moments that shaped me are the ones that have tested my faith. And all that matters, is the courage they gave me; I fell down, my fears were erased. 'Cause in the wreckage of heartache and hindsight, a new beginning starts to unfold and if you let it, it just might save your life."

-Kate Voegele