Adulthood.

I'm basically like 75 now. I'm going to have to start going to shitty old diners for the early bird special at 4pm. I'm exhausted by like 8 at the latest. In bed around 10 and out around 11. As much as I like the early to bed, I hate my alarm when it goes off in the morning. I much preferred getting up at 730 for the gym than 6 or 630 for school. Hopefully soon my body will adjust. 

Bold strategy cotton.

This is debatably one of the funniest things I've ever woken up to.

Warm and fuzzies inside.

I am so incredibly proud of BR. I love that kid. Today DVZ and I told him he was our #mancrushmonday and that he was probably an instagram celebrity of his students. His students used to send me snapchats from his phone hahahaha.
Today he was offered a continuing contract at a Special Ed school. Those are uncommon in Alberta because they are moving to inclusive classrooms. They are offering him a full time position where he gets paid full time wages but he just becomes their go-to substitute.
His brother is special needs so he has dealt with incredible stuff. He also worked with special needs people in the summer. I have never met someone who is so incredibly composed all the time. Nothing ever phases him.
He will be brilliant with them. He is an incredible teacher and he possess both a charisma and a compassion that is beyond compare. He walks into a room and you listen to what he has to say. I am so happy for him.

I want to be ready but I'm just not.

I think that's perhaps the completely exciting but terribly frightening part of BH. I don't even know him and he makes me giddy. He makes me nervous and dizzy and my stomach turns. I smile uncontrollably and cannot speak properly. 

I think that's why I always get so wasted when he's around and make an ass of myself. I'm terrified that if I don't then I'll fall again. And he will most certainly break me. 

It's always about love.

Is love really the only thing that matters? It's as though human nature is hard wired to desire to be wanted, to desire to be needed, to desire to be loved. What does love provide you though? It breaks your heart, it hurts you, it changes you forever.  I think that love is incredible and it's something we desire as human beings but I often wonder if the type of love that makes your stomach spin and your head dizzy is the best kind. I think about how much easier life is without that kind of roller coaster. Sure, some days I miss seeing number twelve and speaking to him and having an overwhelming rush of emotion run through my body. I mean, the fact that another human being can electrify you is incredible. But I think it's safer this way. I don't experience the same highs and lows. I never have to convince myself to get out of bed. I don't think about swerving into the wrong lame or off the road completely to see if he would care. I mean how completely fucked up is that.  That is not sane or healthy. Like I said before love change you. The desire to be loved changes you. 

I am happy now. I am loved by my family and my friends. I absolutely want to find a man someday because I long for that same connection that every human being does. I long for the companionship. I think we all want to be loved. And I think it's okay that at some point, at the end of the day it always ends with love. 

But I think it's okay to take a break from love. From the toll that it takes on you. It's okay to take care of your body and your brain and your heart. It's okay to build a career and a life for yourself. Because I mean every day there's still love. Every day I still wake up loving him and every night I still fall asleep loving him.  And one day I might love someone else too but right now my heart has no room to fall in love. My heart ist strong enough to break again, it's barely been put back together. So for now I'm going to keep pretending I'm completely okay alone. I'm going to keep pretending I don't need love. I'm going to keep pretending I don't spend every night wishing there were strong arms wrapped around me. And one day I'll wake up strong enough. One day I'll wake up and find love that breaks my heart, love that makes me dizzy and turns my stomach in knots. Today is not that day. 

Perhaps if we can convince ourselves, we can convince everyone else.