"I love this. Loved this. Even in you're both right, that I'll find something else; I'll never really love it. Not like this."
"Maybe not, but I believe we get more than just one thing to love. And one day, something will click. And you'll know you've found it. I have to believe that."
Saturday, April 11, 2015
How many loves do we get?
The dream.
"In fact, the only thing I can truly promise is I'll probably hurt you again."
"That's really enticing."
"And you'll hurt me. And I'll come right back to you when you do. I'll accept the risk because you are worth it. Because you matter to me. Because I love you. And I'm not going anywhere."
What a piercingly true statement.
http://thingsmyxxxsaid.tumblr.com/page/7
This is such an interesting blog.
What an insightful, or perhaps arrogant, thought.
"At this point, I am confident that I can handle anything life throws at me."
- Myself.
- Myself.
Life experience.
My brain is exploding today. My emotions are running on high. My heart hurts a little. I'm just in a funny space.
I think that one of the hardest parts of the situation with J now is life experience. At this point, J has treated me better than any male human being in my life and I value so much of what he has taught me and I appreciate all that he does for me. And I am afraid to lose him in many ways, but I'll survive. It would crush me, but at this point, I am confident that I can handle anything life throws at me.
I think the best/worst part is that I no longer look at men in general as, "there will never be another you," or "this is the best it's going to get for me". I remember thinking and more specifically, feeling that way with sunshine. I remember feeling that way with number twelve even though I was consciously aware that it could probably get better. I don't think that way with J. I am so much more open to us only ever being friends and understanding of the fact it might never progress even though I wish for our relationship to transform as some point. I'm not afraid for it not to. I'm not afraid that I will never find someone as wonderful as him. Sure, it'd be nice and he possesses many characteristics that I admire. Sure, I'd be sad and a little disappointed for it to never work out. But if it doesn't, something better will. And I think that's a significant part of my gratitude towards him. It's like he turned on a light in my brain that I didn't know existed and it changed my perspective on everything.
I think sometimes I feel sad and lonely because I'm alone but I'll find someone, some day. I'm not afraid that my expectations are too high or that I'm too picky. I deserve to be with someone that values themselves and values me. And I deserve to be with someone incredible, someone that loves me unconditionally and treats me with dignity and respect. Someone who does all the things I ask without complaining or getting frustrated, and actually enjoys doing them because they make me happy. Someone who appreciates all the things I want to do for them.
It's funny you know, they always tell you that life goes on but I think it takes a certain amount of life experience to really understand and appreciate that.
I think that one of the hardest parts of the situation with J now is life experience. At this point, J has treated me better than any male human being in my life and I value so much of what he has taught me and I appreciate all that he does for me. And I am afraid to lose him in many ways, but I'll survive. It would crush me, but at this point, I am confident that I can handle anything life throws at me.
I think the best/worst part is that I no longer look at men in general as, "there will never be another you," or "this is the best it's going to get for me". I remember thinking and more specifically, feeling that way with sunshine. I remember feeling that way with number twelve even though I was consciously aware that it could probably get better. I don't think that way with J. I am so much more open to us only ever being friends and understanding of the fact it might never progress even though I wish for our relationship to transform as some point. I'm not afraid for it not to. I'm not afraid that I will never find someone as wonderful as him. Sure, it'd be nice and he possesses many characteristics that I admire. Sure, I'd be sad and a little disappointed for it to never work out. But if it doesn't, something better will. And I think that's a significant part of my gratitude towards him. It's like he turned on a light in my brain that I didn't know existed and it changed my perspective on everything.
I think sometimes I feel sad and lonely because I'm alone but I'll find someone, some day. I'm not afraid that my expectations are too high or that I'm too picky. I deserve to be with someone that values themselves and values me. And I deserve to be with someone incredible, someone that loves me unconditionally and treats me with dignity and respect. Someone who does all the things I ask without complaining or getting frustrated, and actually enjoys doing them because they make me happy. Someone who appreciates all the things I want to do for them.
It's funny you know, they always tell you that life goes on but I think it takes a certain amount of life experience to really understand and appreciate that.
Published draft.
What qualities are really important to you?
-Unconditional love
-Friendship
-Commitment and loyalty
-Kindness, especially towards people who can do nothing for him
-Intelligence
-Confidence
-Humor
-Ambition
-Financial Stability
When you think about the relationships you admire, what do you admire about them?
They love one another despite the things they don't find very loveable.
They are best friends.
They are partners and do things together.
They are proud and want to show off their partner.
What about the relationships you don't like? What don't you like about them?
I cannot stand when people don't want their significant other to be a part of their life. I never want to be in a relationship where I have to lie to my significant other or I dread spending time with them. I never want it to be awkward to have them around my friends or family. I want to be independent by choice and concurrently share everything by choice. I never want to justify my relationship with love. I don't like relationships where people justify why they are in their relationship. It should be apparent to everyone; not in a sense of bragging to others, but simply in the way that we treat one another. It should be clear to everyone that we deeply love and respect one another through our words and actions.
What do you want your relationship to look like?
I want my relationship to be a friendship. I want to love and trust the person I love most enough that he can do whatever he wants, but I feel loved, respected and valued. I want us to follow our own dreams but grow together. I want us to spend our spare time together doing anything. I want to cook together and travel together and I want to laugh. I want us to love our daily activities together. I want our relationship to be private. I don't want social media involved. I want us to spend quality time together but enjoy any time we have together. I want us to laugh together, every single day. I want us to be thoughtful and endearing. I want us to radiate genuine happiness to others. I want us to be the type of couple people look at and KNOW that we're best friends in love; partners. I want to build him up and I want him to build me up. I want him to put me in my place, respectfully, and I want him to appreciate when I do the same. I want our families to be involved in our lives. I want to marry my best friend.
-Unconditional love
-Friendship
-Commitment and loyalty
-Kindness, especially towards people who can do nothing for him
-Intelligence
-Confidence
-Humor
-Ambition
-Financial Stability
When you think about the relationships you admire, what do you admire about them?
They love one another despite the things they don't find very loveable.
They are best friends.
They are partners and do things together.
They are proud and want to show off their partner.
What about the relationships you don't like? What don't you like about them?
I cannot stand when people don't want their significant other to be a part of their life. I never want to be in a relationship where I have to lie to my significant other or I dread spending time with them. I never want it to be awkward to have them around my friends or family. I want to be independent by choice and concurrently share everything by choice. I never want to justify my relationship with love. I don't like relationships where people justify why they are in their relationship. It should be apparent to everyone; not in a sense of bragging to others, but simply in the way that we treat one another. It should be clear to everyone that we deeply love and respect one another through our words and actions.
What do you want your relationship to look like?
I want my relationship to be a friendship. I want to love and trust the person I love most enough that he can do whatever he wants, but I feel loved, respected and valued. I want us to follow our own dreams but grow together. I want us to spend our spare time together doing anything. I want to cook together and travel together and I want to laugh. I want us to love our daily activities together. I want our relationship to be private. I don't want social media involved. I want us to spend quality time together but enjoy any time we have together. I want us to laugh together, every single day. I want us to be thoughtful and endearing. I want us to radiate genuine happiness to others. I want us to be the type of couple people look at and KNOW that we're best friends in love; partners. I want to build him up and I want him to build me up. I want him to put me in my place, respectfully, and I want him to appreciate when I do the same. I want our families to be involved in our lives. I want to marry my best friend.
Annoyed thoughts.
Wednesday was the first day I realized quite how much I've enjoyed not dealing with some stuff at the restaurant. I realized that there are girls and comments I really don't want to deal with. I forgot that there are many girls who dislike me. There are also many girls who don't value me as a coworker.
CG said some stuff about J the other day that got me to thinking. She was like you can't sit in the office with the door shut as much as you two do and expect people not to think something is going on and make comments. And I was like yeah, I suppose but NOTHING is going on in there. Like J and I are literally shooting the shit or I'm venting about customer/other employees' stupidity. In the summer, a lot of the time, we were talking about my mom.
I mean I suppose I just never thought of it that way. And I mean to a certain degree, I'm aware of how much it looks bad in front of other girls because we for sure have heard a lot of comments and he is certainly flirty some days but he also flirts with other girls soooo.
I don't know I think CG is such an interesting person and I don't always know how I feel about her. She is a very blunt human being and sarcastic as fuck so I certainly enjoy that but sometimes her opinions are unwarranted and unjustified because she lacks information about some of J and my's relationship. And I'm fine with that because I don't necessarily want her to know about it but it can be frustrating when she makes some of the comments she does.
For example, don't tell J I told you he went to England. He doesn't want anyone to know.
Well C, he told me before he went that he was going away to Bethlehem so I knew he was away, and I don't care that he went there. Plus, the next day after you said not to tell him I know, he told me himself soooo.
I think she fails to realize just how much him and I speak. And I think a part of her doesn't want us to be close. Not because she wants the same relationship that him and I have, but because she doesn't want me to be in a position of too much power that it might threaten hers. She doesn't want my opinion to matter as much to him and T as much as hers.
CG said some stuff about J the other day that got me to thinking. She was like you can't sit in the office with the door shut as much as you two do and expect people not to think something is going on and make comments. And I was like yeah, I suppose but NOTHING is going on in there. Like J and I are literally shooting the shit or I'm venting about customer/other employees' stupidity. In the summer, a lot of the time, we were talking about my mom.
I mean I suppose I just never thought of it that way. And I mean to a certain degree, I'm aware of how much it looks bad in front of other girls because we for sure have heard a lot of comments and he is certainly flirty some days but he also flirts with other girls soooo.
I don't know I think CG is such an interesting person and I don't always know how I feel about her. She is a very blunt human being and sarcastic as fuck so I certainly enjoy that but sometimes her opinions are unwarranted and unjustified because she lacks information about some of J and my's relationship. And I'm fine with that because I don't necessarily want her to know about it but it can be frustrating when she makes some of the comments she does.
For example, don't tell J I told you he went to England. He doesn't want anyone to know.
Well C, he told me before he went that he was going away to Bethlehem so I knew he was away, and I don't care that he went there. Plus, the next day after you said not to tell him I know, he told me himself soooo.
I think she fails to realize just how much him and I speak. And I think a part of her doesn't want us to be close. Not because she wants the same relationship that him and I have, but because she doesn't want me to be in a position of too much power that it might threaten hers. She doesn't want my opinion to matter as much to him and T as much as hers.
Wednesday, April 8, 2015
Everlasting moments.
As I sit here reading old conversations, my laughter is pure and genuine. My heart is full and smiling. My graciousness is immense.
Tuesday, April 7, 2015
Graciousness.
I want him to pull through here. For me, for mom. I want him to make it happen even though it's a long shot and I know it. It's the only thing she asked for and I want to pull through for her. Six months ago I didn't expect her to be here. This is an incredible celebration.
Monday, April 6, 2015
I'm so perplexed.
We are so far beyond an incredibly fucked up relationship, there are no words. There is so much love, so much jest, kindness, humour, intellect, and genuine friendship between us. We are completely opposite and exactly the same concurrently.
His endearing and thoughtful behaviour is contradictory to his days without talking and lack of information sharing. His endless witty banter is balanced by his guidance and understanding through trials.
I am honestly so FUCKING CONFUSED. I am confused by him. I am confused by my own feelings. It's just one big confusing clusterfuck. I'm not angry or upset, I am just genuinely so confused.
His endearing and thoughtful behaviour is contradictory to his days without talking and lack of information sharing. His endless witty banter is balanced by his guidance and understanding through trials.
I am honestly so FUCKING CONFUSED. I am confused by him. I am confused by my own feelings. It's just one big confusing clusterfuck. I'm not angry or upset, I am just genuinely so confused.
Sunday, April 5, 2015
Why does it have to be soooo expensive to go alone.
I just want to go away somewhere hot alone for a few days. No fuss, just relax on a beach alone for 3 days.
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