Melt my heart.

Fate.

I was just walking Duke and I met J's best friend S's mom. It was funny actually. She stopped and said, is that Duke? And I said yes. She's like oh amazing, him and Gilly are best friends! My daughter is best friends with J. And I said oh, is S your daughter? Yes!
So I am talking to this lady while Duke and Gilly are walking and playing and then she walks with me. She was so nice and started to tell me all of these things about J and S and how they've never been romantic but she always wished they were because she just adores J. She told me about business plans and such that they had and she was so open and honest. She told me that J and S have been friends since the 4th grade and how they went traveling together.
I like that people feel that way with me and I love hearing about J from other people. I love when someone else tells me things he doesn't. I have started to learn that he doesn't hide things, he just doesn't share things as freely as others. I get it too because I know, to a certain degree, what he's been through and he certainly has a lot to lose.
I still think that as lovely as it would be to have his money at his age, I think it would be tough. I think it's difficult because I mean I cannot imagine wondering if someone had ulterior motives every time I interacted with them. I cannot imagine how it would feel to have to think about that. And unfortunately him and T have such good hearts that they are often taken advantage of. T probably less that J because J is just so unbelievably kind-hearted.

I'm so dumb.

Why don't I get high more often? I literally just blaze and play with Duke hahahaha it's amazing.

Stupid girl, you should have known.

I guess that I thought I was over it completely. I thought that I was completely satisfied with us being friends and just letting it be. But the last week or two I've been reconsidering my life, how I feel. And the fact it's even crossing my mind again scares me.

Perplexed.

I talked to him last night, then this morning, then he called me this afternoon. Like you're in Paris. Go have fun. I promise I'll call if there's an explosion. 

I don't know I love it and hate it at the same time. I hate that B is at his beck and call to come help but I also was incredibly grateful that she could help me today and that she was so nice to me about it. 

I think he was drunk when I talked to him this afternoon. Granted it was like 1am for him hahaha. But still he was funny on the phone and I laughed and I'm just so indecisive. I don't know what I want or how I feel. 

S texted me like B, he loves you. He called you from Paris. But the other part of me is like yeah, and then asked to Facetime his dog haha. I mean we had a good chat and such but at the same time I just feel like one of his bitches at his beck and call. 

I honestly have no problem staying here and helping him and the stuff I've done is minute. But I still have this feeling that didn't really sink in until today when B showed up. And I know he'd do anything for me, I mean this morning I asked him for a jersey today and he's like OF COURSE. It was silly but he does things for me too and I know that. I mean he's on my resume for flip sakes. 

I think the hardest part is like I love him. I truly do love that weird little fucker. But I don't know if I'm in love with him. He makes me laugh and he literally possesses everything I want but I just don't honestly know. 

Torn.

He's kind of been pulling on my heart strings this week. I was thinking about it this morning. I love him. There's no question, I absolutely love him. The question remains, am I in love with him? Or am in love with who I want him to be?
That's a serious situation to sort out. He drives me crazy, he melts my heart, he's an incredible human being. He's also moody and weird and cold sometimes. So am I in love with him and all the things he does for me despite his dramatics? Or do I dramatize and emphasize all the good things he thinks/says because he possesses every single quality that I want?

Thanks pal.

I love that he left me wine and weed and chocolate. I've literally just been blazing and basking but I've accomplished so much soo I'm prettt satisfied.

Pondering.

Love. Graciousness.

I have so much to elaborate on from the last few days. Right now I'm laying in bed thinking about how much they love their mom. I mean I do, I really do love my mom but I admire how much they love her and show their love for her. This time I stayed at J's he had more time to prepare. He had the cleaning lady make my bed all nicely then he's got this silk and lace bedspread on too which I presume was his mom's. In the corner of the front entryway restaurant, there's a little picture of their mom sitting beautifully in a frame so subtly. My heart nearly melted.

He IS Christian Grey.

So I watched 50 Shades of Grey last night and I honestly thing Christian Grey is the sexiest man in the world. I also think that J is basically Mr. Grey. Actually.
I was laughing because S and I had a conversation about him being like Christian Grey a few weeks ago. But the more that I watched that movie, the more plausible it became. He is so particular about certain things and I was dying.
I don't think that that movie was like as inappropriate as people made it out to be. In fact, I find it incredible attractive for a man to be dominant, probably not to the degree that some people are into but like I want a man to know what he wants in the bedroom. Like confident men in control of their life is a turn on for me, it's heartbreaking when they aren't like that in the bedroom.
I sent S a message like he's renovating his bedroom this time and you can be damn sure I'm going to look at it this time!
Hahaha I am so stupid. But really it was nice of him to get me those stupid candy/chocolate/wine and he's like the cleaning lady comes on Saturday so you can make a huge mess and I'll never know ahaha.
I'm excited to spend the week with Duke. It will be nice to hang out with that little rascal and go for walks and play.