Momma, I need you to be okay.

At least you have the courage, you feel everything so deeply. 

This is why I'm the other woman.

So frustrating.

Why do only taken men love me? What is it about me. Why do taken men love me while single men are repulsed by me. 

Pretty please.

This is pretty vain but I think I'd make an incredible hockey wife. Come on NHL boys, I'm perfect for you.

This is clever.

Maybe it's just the memories.

My vanity and humour are things I pride myself on.

Maybe I'm immature but the shit dudes say to me on tinder literally makes me laugh out loud hahahahaha 

Alabama.

I believe there are angels amoung us. Sent down to us, from somewhere up above. They come to you and me, at our darkest hours. To show us how to live, to teach us how to give. To guide us with the light of love. 

I believe there are angels amoung us.

I just saw a picture of BB. You know it's still surreal for me. It's been just under a year since KW and about 10 months since BB. It doesn't feel real you know? At 17 and 21 years old it just doesn't make sense to me. I cannot comprehend that they're gone. 

A little hope is effective, a lot of hope is dangerous.

"Hope. It is the only thing stronger than fear."
-Suzanne Collins

Man Crush Monday.

I'm watching The Hunger Games for the first time and Liam Hemsworth is definitely my #mancrushmonday

Probably a bit insensitive.

Sometimes (actually most of the time) I looks at dudes' pictures on tinder and I'm like please be the one on the left. It never is. And then I just want to be like bro, you shouldn't put a picture of your hot friend on tinder because I'm actually pretty close to asking you to introduce me to him so I can bang him instead. 

Weddings, weddings, everywhere.

HJR called me tonight too. We haven't spoken much and she apologized. She's like I've been that person that I hate, I know and I'm sorry. I got a boyfriend and I just kind of dropped off the face of the earth.
I respect that she realized it. I respect that it was only a month of two and she realized that she is neglecting friendships and as a result is trying to mend them. That speaks volumes to me, that she said it instead of me. I appreciate her apology and more than accept it. I know what it's like to be wrapped up in a boy you love.
What was more surprising to me is that she said I am absolutely in love with him and I can see myself spending the rest of my life with him. She's like I know, I know. And people always used to tell me when you know, you know and I never understood it, but I do now. Me being me, I'm like wow. I was speechless a bit. She's like I already know what ring I want and we've talked about getting engaged; it helps that he's older and much more mature.
I was just so taken aback by all of it. I was so stunned by the fact that marriage after less than 3 months is even an option. I know there was a courting period before the dating. But that still makes it maximum 7 months since this whole thing began.
I'm happy for her though. I'm trying to not let my bitter heart be judgemental. Maybe she really does know. She isn't the type to make a rash decision like that. I suppose I am just so far disconnected from a relationship that I cannot fathom marriage at this point. I mean, if number twelve asked me to marry him tomorrow, I'd say no. And that's saying something because at some point I can see a future with him.
Maybe that's why it's tough for me. I mean I feel like he is the one and I can't explain that. I've thought that for a long time. And maybe it's because marriage is FAR away for me. We are nowhere near ready for marriage.

Maybe friends are our true loves.

MV just called me to talk about his girl problems and literally like melted my heart. He said I miss you like 5 times in a 6 minute phone call. He's like, "hi I miss you". I'm like hi I miss you too. It was good to talk to him but I do miss that kid like fucking crazy. He is such a girl and I am such a boy and that's why we are friends. We're basically like in a reverse relationship hahaha. Before he hung up he's like okay bye, I really miss you.

You can do sooo much better.

How do you tell your friend that you think her boyfriend is a prick? I want to believe that people can change but I just don't really think you can. 

The other night BR and I were talking about DVZand MB and he's like man is that guy a tool or what? And I'm like yeah I think DVZ is way too good for him. And he agreed and also said that he comes off as the guy who is going to do whatever the fuck he wants whenever te fuck he wants. And I'm like yes he does. He's like ya he just goes and gets blackouts and doesn't give a fuck. And I'm like yep yep I agree with all of them. He's like he's probably cheated on her because those things are a lethal combination. I'm like yes. 

It's just nice to see that I'm not the only one who sees it. 

We should love ourselves more.

I was talking to S about eating disorders and body image. I have a very distorted self image and I know it. I can consciously think about the fact that I'm not nearly as big as I think that I am. At the same time I look into the mirror and I see myself as overweight. I hate my stomach/ mid section. It is honestly like the death of me because I am starting to feel more comfortable with my body. Not my mid section though. 

I have so much hate for it. And I mean I was anorexic in high school and looking back I am like fack I was so skinny but at the time, I didn't think so. The other day a teacher referred to me as a skinny brunette girl and it made my whole week for someone to refer to it. 

I have been dealing with my size my whole life though. I have never ever been a tiny girl. I've never been super skinny or petit in any way. I have always been the tall girl. And I have always been the girl that "built bigger". And I mean brighter of my parents are tiny. They are not morbidly obese but they are definitely not built small. In grade 6 some boys started calling me tank. And I mean I was a bigger girl I get it but it really stung. And in high school one of them apologized. He said to me you look so good now and tht was mean of us and you should be proud of your size now. And as much as I appreciated that, that one compliment does not eliminate a year worth of being called tank. 

It's difficult for me because I so badly want to be built smaller. I like my height but even if I am skinnier than short girls, they always look smaller than me. I'm always bigger than my friends even if I'm in better shape than them. It is just so frustrating for me because I work so hard to be smaller. I eat well and work out and it doesn't seem to matter. All my friends are still smaller than me. 

The other day I said I'd been going to the gym the other day and ME was like you're so lucky you have time to go to the gym, I'm getting fat. I wanted I lose my mind. First of all you are not not will you ever be far. My size now would be fat for you. Second of all there is NOTHING about going to the gym everyday that is lucky. I am grateful to my body for carrying my to the gym every day but my body is grateful to me for taking care of it by eating well and working out. It's not luck, it is hard work. It's not easy to turn down a latte and banana bread at Starbucks for a coffee with a bit of milk and a banana. It's not easy to turn down pizza or cake to have a chicken breast and apple instead. My cheat day is pasta for fuck sakes which isn't even really unhealthy. It drives me mental when people make ignorant comments Iike that. Or they tell me that I'm anorexic or trying too hard. 

I am not trying to be a fitness model but it's something I would be interested in one day if I could do it in a natural healthy way. I am doing this because I feel better, I'm healthier, I'm happier and I don't completely hate myself.