Even if it was only for a moment.

Inspiration.

Love kindness.

Love tap.

Tonight we were joking around about him being a tyrant and how he does annoying things to me and the other B says, if you really want to piss J off, just give him a hug. (He HATES when other people touch him and it makes me laugh so hard). And I was like pft, I just poke J in the ribs when I want to annoy him and he's like yeah I hate that even more! I laughed and I was like pft you do it to me. In fact you hit me sometimes. He's like it's just a love tap. I'm like oh ya thanks, J admits he beats me girls. At the same time, my heart sank a little because he wouldn't call it a love tap to anyone other than C.
Love tap me whenever you want, but amp up the love part.

The look on his face will forever be embedded in my memory.

J and I have been kind of off the last week or so. After we went car shopping things were kind of different. Not in a bad way just in an "I think we both realized the magnitude of that day". I'm happy he chose to spend his mom's birthday with me and I'm pretty sure it's been right around a year since she died.
I've had an overwhelming week with mom and school and I'm just exhausted. I am going away next weekend and I honestly cannot wait to have 3 days off.
Last night and today was interesting. Last night J made a point of being like, okay do you need to talk before I go. And I said no, I'm not emotionally stable enough for that right now. He said okay, well I'm around if you need. And I appreciate that. I appreciate that he knew I wanted to talk and he took the initiative to ask me at a reasonable time and I also appreciate that he accepted that I wasn't ready to talk and was supportive of me instead of pushing me. That speaks volumes of him and why I feel so strongly for him.
Today was a very special day for me. I feel so proud about my vehicle. I wasn't going to tell him, I was going to surprise him when I got to work and show him etc. but I couldn't wait. I texted him and said, Mr. B what are you doing right now? He said bicep curls. I died laughing as I thought he was completely kidding and he's like I know, futile right? I asked if he could spare 2 minutes, he said yes. I told him to look outside his house.
He opened the door with a look of complete surprise and genuine happiness. He said, "it's yours? Really?"  I said yep all mine. He said, "congratulations! I'm so happy for you. Come give me a hug! You have to take me for a spin!" I was waiting for him to get in and he's like no seriously, get your ass out of this car and give me a hug!
It was just one of those special moments. I didn't know how he'd react. I really didn't expect that. He was just so excited for me, with me. And it was so incredibly nice to feel that kind of support. (PS, I'm fighting back tears writing this.. pathetic, I know). It was the type of moment I'll never forget.

This is my new baby.

This is why I'm proud of myself.

Pride.

LG just said to me, you're so grown up. I'm proud of you. And I said I'm proud of me too.
I think that's such a funny thought. Pride in one's self. It's not like I haven't accomplished a lot in life or like I don't value a lot of the things I've done in life and the choices I've made but I don't know if I've ever really thought to myself, I'm really proud of myself. In a genuine and honest and truly pride in myself type way.

In sickness and in health.

"Few people have the grace to suffer well."

Why am I so afraid to be vulnerable?

Yesterday was emotional. It was long and tough and I sat in the Okotoks Chrysler parking lot bawling for awhile. I cried pretty much the whole way back to Calg to the gym. I was talking to J and he was lovely as usual. Then last night we talked about his mom and my mom. 

It's tough because I feel guilty bringing it up to him even though he's told me he's here for me. I hate it though because I know it cannot be easy for him to talk about but he does for me. He is really open with me about how he feels since he lost his mom. He tells me things he regrets. It's nice to see that side of him but it's tough because I don't know if I want him to fully see that vulnerable side of me. It kills me to have anybody perceive me as weak. And I don't know why I think that when it comes to me, vulnerability = weakness. I encourage everyone else to be open and to let it out but I hold myself to a higher standard. I'm not allowed to be vulnerable or to break. I always ensure people view me as the strong one. It's not even that I care if they think I'm strong, it's more that I'm terrified for people to perceive me as weak. I have been through so much in my life that I know I'm stronger than most people. I know that I am strong.  I have such an irrational fear of being perceived as broken but I am. I am so broken. I think we're all broken. We're bent and bruised with cracks and fragments of who we once were. But we're also an opportunity for what we can be. I truly believe we learn from every experience in our life and I believe that God gives his toughest battles to his strongest soldiers. While I don't think it's fair and I pray often for things to just be easier for once, to go my way, I know that there's a lesson He's trying to teach me. Let me grow. Let me learn. Let me live. 

12.

I sent this to number twelve the other day with the caption, "thank you". He didn't respond.

dead weight.

This is such a stuck up thing to say but sometimes I think about people I went to high school with that I thought were so cool and I wanted to be friends with them. I look at their Facebook and I honestly think to myself, "what was I thinking"? The other thing I think is, "I totally won". I think about what they are doing with their lives and for sure some of them are doing well and that's wonderful and sure they are married or have kids etc. But I actually think to myself like why was I such a bitch? Why did I want to be friends with these people who are literally doing nothing with their lives? They are still living in Red Deer. They have no degrees. They haven't travelled the world or done anything that I value. I just don't know how we were friends or why I wanted to be friends with these people. There is so much more I want from my life.
I deleted over 100 people from fb today and it felt so good. I'm not friends with them. I don't speak to them and I really don't care what they're doing in their lives so I don't need them having access to what's happening in mine.

There are no words, no explanation.

Sometimes, you just have to trust that God will guide you to exactly what and  who you need.

The absolute truth.

Unfortunately there is just no other way to put it and no way to explain or justify it. Life is just not fair sometimes.