Such an important thing to remember.

Exquisite.

I think I may have a school girl crush on one of my owners. He is not my type in any way shape or form. He's bald and only a few inches taller than me but something about him is so sexy. To start, he's European: Greek and Italian.... could that be any sexier combination? I don't think so. He dresses European too. Incredible suits properly tailored that look exquisite. Beautiful leather shoes too. Always looks put together. He's hilarious too. He's good to make fun of people and genuinely understands everything in a restaurant so well. He's thoughtful too; he makes sure his staff feels appreciated. Two times this week he gave me extra money for helping out. That kind of thing goes a long way for me. He cares about making money but recognizes the importance of treating your staff well. He's a little bit cocky but not so much you want to punch him. He has a KILLER smile. He has his life together and he is ambitious, both of which are high on my list of necessary qualities in men. And he has the most adorable bull dog everrrr. He loves it so much which I find so attractive when men love take care of their dogs. If a man can take care of a pet well, he can take care of a woman well.
Also, he shares things about himself. Like he went to the same university as I did only he despised it. And his mom died of breast cancer which is incredibly tragic but I love that he told me that and was so understanding that I need to be home for my mom's results with the doctor.
Oh, and he never wants kids.
Fuck. He is basically everything I have ever wanted in a man. FML.

They never do.

"I know, but we were high school sweethearts. Those feelings don't just go away."

She is the most brilliant woman I've ever known.

J'adore.

How did I get here.

I'll be honest, I'm a little bit overwhelmed with the idea that I have completed university. I mean you go to school for 13 years and all the while you are thinking about how wonderful it will be to graduate high school. Then you hit high school and all you can think about is -- you've guessed it, more school; university here I come. Then you spend 2-4+ years at an institution broadening your mind and training for future employment. 5 years and two degrees later, it's over and all I can think to myself is... now what?
For 19 of my last 22 years I have been attending some sort of educational institution. Now it's just over. So what exactly am I supposed to do next? Sure, I've applied for jobs to teach and I'm looking forward to it, but I'm currently serving because I need to have some sort of income in the mean time. So now I'm working for minimum wage plus tips with 2 university degrees and I have absolutely no idea how I ended up here. Now I'm thinking about a new vehicle and a place to live and finding someone to settle down with.
How the fucking fuck did I get here? Less than 6 months ago I was partying my life away at university, working so I could afford to party and having a blast doing it. None of those "adult" things you're supposed to be thinking about even really crossed my mind. But now, they're all here, knocking on the side of my brain every time I have a chance to think.

This is it

We have to start building each other up.

Women are beautiful. I genuinely believe that. Humans are beautiful too, but women are usually hardest on women. I can be an incredibly negative human being. I judge others, especially women without knowing anything about them. I attribute that partially to my inherent desire for perfection. I can tell you absolutely everything that is wrong with me as an individual. I try not to show others my flaws, but I am absolutely more than aware of them myself. I notice other's flaws yet, I don't judge them the way that I judge myself. I think that is sometimes why I am so critical of other women, because I am so good at judging myself.
Lately, I have caught myself doing this. And I've decided that I don't want to be that type of person anymore. I want to be the type of woman that builds other women up. I want to be the type of woman that other women look up to. I want to be the type of woman that sees the absolute beauty in every other woman, and tells her so.
We all have flaws, every single one of us. But I think, we, as women need to start building up other women instead of tearing them down. It is so easy to tear other women down without even realizing our impact.
I want to be strong enough to say, "that woman is beautiful" when someone else is saying, "look at her hair" or eyes, or teeth or anything else they might criticize. I want to train myself to choose to see a woman's beautiful eyes, or smile, or curves.

Even though I know he does.

I would give anything for him to say out loud, "I still love you".

Thought provoked.

I went to see Heaven is For Real tonight.

It's just not me.

Sometimes I feel really disconnected. I went with ME for a drink tonight but we ended up being with a bunch of other people that we don't really know and it ended up being a drunk fest which isn't what I expected otherwise I would havr driven. I was trying to be responsible because I had 3 glasses of wine with dinner but we went to Brewhouse and there were some boys from rdgcc and it just wasn't my scene.
When I get as drunk as I did last week, I'm angry with myself, embarrassed. I am not in the place in my life where I should be getting blackout drunk on an even remotely regular basis.
It was good because I got to see JK before he leaves for the summer but other than that it was just lame. I just I don't know. I spent the last semester of university classes partying because they were all bullshit classes and it was a blast. But I have just spent thr last 4 months being a teacher and a responsible adult and I just am over that lifestyle. I will still go out occasionally but I'm at a "few glasses of wine" or a "couple of beers at a pub" kind of place in my life. I want to spend my money on a vehicle and a condo and getting my shit together. I've wasted enough money in the last year partying. I'm ready to grow up a bit.

Beside my bed at momma's.

Success
"To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children, to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty; to find the best in others; to leave the world a bit better, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded."
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

If you asked me if I love him, I'd lie.

He's the song in the car I keep singing, don't know why I do.