because gravity happens.

I have gathered that the moments that have shaped me are the ones that have tested my faith. And all that matters is the courage they gave me, I fell down and my fears were erased. In the wreckage of heartache and hindsight, a new beginning starts to unfold and if you let it, it just might save your life.

and you wonder why I believed the rumors.

Well I think I've finally reached a point in my life where I'm letting go. Number twelve and I have been talking lately and then he starting texting me on thursday when he was out drinking. We talked and talked and I basically called him out for texting me of all people while he was out with his friends at a bar. He was at lotus so needless to say he wanted me to come picked him up and drive him home. Ended up he didn't want me to drive him home as he started rubbing my neck and thigh when I picked him up. We were talking so he told me to keep driving then we were almost at his house and he told me he wanted to hold me all night long. I know it sounds ridiculous but when you get weak at the simple sight of the boy you love, that sounds pretty damn nice. So he came over and we actually had a really good talk and just layed in bed and cuddled. He was telling me he missed me and he just couldn't get over me and he was mad I believed all the rumors about his summer, etc. I honestly thought we were making some progress because we were talking about real things that stand in the way of our relationship and it seemed to me like they were somewhat working themselves out.
I told him I was terrified because I didn't want to wake up to what happened last time and have him just comepletely disappear for the next three months again. And he told me to kiss him in the morning and that wouldn't happen. I know you're all thinking he was drunk, you're an idiot. But he wasn't really drunk is the thing because I know how he is when he's drunk and that was nottt it (it generally involves more yelling and anger). So in the morning I took him home at about 6am and he kissed me as he got out. We talked a little bit that day and haven't talked since then.
I was really upset all day friday and saturday because I just couldn't believe that this was happening to me again. But you know what, it's really not. I just don't care anymore. I love the kid but if he wants to treat me like this and use me, etc. then I just don't need it. I don't need the stress of the heartache or any of it. I don't want to stand here and beg him to fall because he will see one day that I was worth it all. It's not okay to use me and play with my heart anymore. So I'm sorry and I love you but I just can't play your silly games anymore.