Saturday, September 7, 2013
Change.
Today I did it. I finally grew the balls to email the girl from England and find out my options for next year.
Friday, September 6, 2013
Hating you is the most exhausting thing I've ever had to do.
I needed to hear that from PL last night so embarrassingly badly. It's pathetic I know but I just have never been the girl guys like. And I needed to hear that someone else. I needed to know that there can be someone else. At the same time it made me realize how damaged I am. How heartbroken I am. I don't see myself that way and the possibility of a relationship is just not even fathomable. The possibility of another boy is unfathomable. I just love that boy and I've loved him for so long I can't even comprehend it anymore. It is immeasurable, indescribable, it simply is one of those things that cannot be explained.
Last First Studio
Last night was crazy. I am honestly so taken aback. I'm very glad I decided to stay sober though, it saved some regrets and made for an entertaining evening.
RD was there, aka mattress boy. He was so unbelievably wasted like falling over wasted. And he gave me a big hug and kept pulling me closer to him. Even sober, I probably would have taken him home but I was relatively certain he was still in a relationship. I of course, asked TK and she's like yes they are definitely in a relationship he is off limits. I was fine with that. I think he is almost undatable. He is the type of boy you want to able to call when you need to bang but he is not the boy you want to be in any sort of relationship with.
Earlier, PL came and gave me a hug, then he tried to kiss me and I was like haha weird he must be wastey pants. So I was like TK, P just tried to kiss me. And she, also intoxicated was like yeah probably because he's in love with you. And I'm like whaaaat. And she's like yes he thinks you are like the most gorgeous girl in the whole world and wants to do terrible things to you. And I was just like uhhh. I honestly thought she was kidding.
Later in the evening, he found me again and actually told me all of these things. He told me for probably 15 minutes that he thought I was beautiful and blah blah blah and eventually asked me on a date.
I was speechless. He isn't my type, he is honestly a sweet guy most of the time but for me my issue is that I'm not ready. I wish that I was but hearing that just solidified that I'm not ready for another relationship. I still have lots of growing and healing to do on my own.
THEN TK started bawling on the way home and I'm like wtf is wrong. She was upset because MH(aka one of the best looking boys in history that I've ever met) was uninterested in her when she made an effort. And I love TK and I think she's a beautiful girl but she's just not his type and I tried to explain that to her but it didn't really sink in until later after she was home. She said she's better today and I really hope so!
RD was there, aka mattress boy. He was so unbelievably wasted like falling over wasted. And he gave me a big hug and kept pulling me closer to him. Even sober, I probably would have taken him home but I was relatively certain he was still in a relationship. I of course, asked TK and she's like yes they are definitely in a relationship he is off limits. I was fine with that. I think he is almost undatable. He is the type of boy you want to able to call when you need to bang but he is not the boy you want to be in any sort of relationship with.
Earlier, PL came and gave me a hug, then he tried to kiss me and I was like haha weird he must be wastey pants. So I was like TK, P just tried to kiss me. And she, also intoxicated was like yeah probably because he's in love with you. And I'm like whaaaat. And she's like yes he thinks you are like the most gorgeous girl in the whole world and wants to do terrible things to you. And I was just like uhhh. I honestly thought she was kidding.
Later in the evening, he found me again and actually told me all of these things. He told me for probably 15 minutes that he thought I was beautiful and blah blah blah and eventually asked me on a date.
I was speechless. He isn't my type, he is honestly a sweet guy most of the time but for me my issue is that I'm not ready. I wish that I was but hearing that just solidified that I'm not ready for another relationship. I still have lots of growing and healing to do on my own.
THEN TK started bawling on the way home and I'm like wtf is wrong. She was upset because MH(aka one of the best looking boys in history that I've ever met) was uninterested in her when she made an effort. And I love TK and I think she's a beautiful girl but she's just not his type and I tried to explain that to her but it didn't really sink in until later after she was home. She said she's better today and I really hope so!
First studio.
Tomorrow remind me to tell you about all the crazy shit that happened tonight... Like TK's former roommate confessing his love for me and RD hitting on me while he has a girlfriend and TK bawling about MH not being interested in her.
Oh, almost forgot JD asking me to do MDMA on the weekend.
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