He changed my world.

For all the days I hate him, I'm so grateful to have him in my life.

Self-judgement is far harsher than the opinions of others.

I don't know that I needed him to "prove" anything. I definitely feel better on days like this though.
So I asked him if when I drop his stuff off if we could talk for a few minutes because I had a serious (to me) work question. And that's when he called me, almost immediately.
So I said J, it's not imperative right now, just when you have time. He's like nope airport, now's the time.
I said J, what if I was serious the other day. What if I want to be full time and not go back teaching? I haven't said anything about this to anyone. I mean, my dad told me not to be a teacher 6 years ago when I told him that's what I wanted to take in school.
He's like B, selfishly, I love it. I would be happy to have you full time always and you know that. But as your friend I think you need to consider this. I think you need to think about your career over being a server.
I've never heard him say something like that before. I've never heard him really knock someone in the industry with the exception of when a guy was being a prick making fun of him and he's like yeah whatever, that guy probably thinks I'm the host or something. I'll tell him I'll cry later when I'm checking my bank account. And that was a prickish thing to say but he was justified when he said it. He never downplays the industry and I respect that. But it matters to me that he said that.
And I said to him J, if I was full time, I'd eventually want to move up. I don't want to be a server forever. But I'm not sure I want to be a teacher. I definitely don't want to teach elementary again.
He's like well don't make any rash decisions. Think about it over the summer, you'll be back full time, I hope?
I'm like yeah, I'll be back probably 5 days a week. I need to be home 2 days a week to take care of J. He's like NOPE. FULL TIME. Hahaha I'm like I'll take Monday and Tuesdays, you don't even work Tuesdays so it's really only one day for you!
I said okay, I'm still thinking about it but if there's only elementary jobs, I'm not sure I want to be a teacher. I would rather sub and serve.
I appreciate his response more than anything. He said B, you know that you always have a job here. You can have whatever you want, you know that. But I think you need to really think about this and take the summer to make a better decision.
He said that. He said whatever you want, you can have. And that means so much to me. Because if I decide teaching isn't what I want, I have somewhere and someone that supports me, already. I have somewhere that I can grow and develop.
I'm almost in tears thinking about it.
I've never told anybody this. It scares me because I am a judgemental bitch. How can I be university educated with dual degrees and prefer serving, to teaching? What is wrong with me?
It scares me because what if I decided I love the industry more than I love teaching? What if I took the leap of doing something I love even though it's not financially the best thing to do. It's not the type of thing a kid dreams about. It's not the thing you tell your parents you're going to do.
For most people it's how you work through college or how you support your teenage pregnancy. It's not what someone with 2 university degrees that is smart and capable should spend their life doing. And I know, a lot of it is my own insecurity. I'm sure if I told my parents that this is what I want to spend my life doing that they would support me. I mean sure, they'd be disappointed because my potential is far greater but if I loved it and it made me happy, they'd support me. It's my own judgmental, pretentious self that's the problem.

Silly brat.

He called me like I'm at the airport, thought I'd call you instead. I'm like hahaha I didn't need to talk to you immediately, just when you had time. He's like I have time, I'm at the airport in Vancouver.
I'm like why?
He's like weellllll, it's funny actually. I got a call from my ex-girlfriend the other day asking me to be her child's godfather. I'm like what? He's like yeah, weird, I know. I'm like ya that is weird. He's like I know but we're still pretty close and you have to be orthodox in order to be the godparent so I'm orthodox Greek so I can. And I'm like yeah, it's still pretty weird.
He's like I know but the worst part is that like, I know my nieces are cute but like this baby isn't. I just laughed and he's like seriously. And I'm like yeah that's shitty. He's like no, like I know my nieces are extra adorable but this baby is NOT cute. I died hahaha.

JPB.

Tonight he proved that he was my friend ahead of my employer.

Why I'm so picky about my stylist.

It was so nice getting my hair cut the other day. SO nice. J was just so kind and funny and it feels so nice when a gay man calls you beautiful and gorgeous. I think it was just really nice to have that added confidence.

Pondering.

Enlightened.

Lifesaver.

It's nights like tonight that epitomize my patience and tolerance balancing frustration with him.  I got a panicked text saying I needed a cash box and float for tomorrow so I texted him to see if he had a fish tank or a cash box and he's like yep a cash box. And I'm like ya but it's probably at work. And he's like no it's here. So I asked to borrow it and he's like ya come get it.
So I walk in his house and he's like I feel like I haven't seen you in months!! (Inside my head I'm like you haven't hahaha it's been almost a month). So we're chatting and he's like why rd and I tell him  for a hair cut. He's made fun of me going to all the way there for it when I could go in calg but made a point of being stupid and saying it looks so good but I wish it was green. J the stylist mentioned doing it dark with emerald green pieces which I think would look so good but I'm a pussy so J was like I pictured oompa loompa!
So I was telling him how much I hate these people and this party and the stuff I have to do tomorrow and he's like why don't you just take this float so you don't have to go to the bank? I'm like for real? He's like ya. I'm like YES! Thank you for saving me a trip!
So needless to say as much as he pisses me off, he always comes through when I need him and I guess more than anything, I should be grateful for that.

Yes.

Proud of myself.

Tonight was one of the most honest conversations I've ever had with him, especially sober. I told him I was put off by his approach and that our friendship wasn't a transaction to me.
I appreciate that he recognized how it was interpreted even though it's not what he meant.
I rarely call him out because I am aware of the acute line that delineates between our friendship  and him as my boss. But tonight I had to. It was imperative I said something after 3 weeks of building frustration.

You are a real child some days.

It bothers me that that's the way he brought the conversation up. We haven't spoken for nearly two weeks and you lead with, "Hey! Do you like making money?"
That really bothers me.
I'm sure that I'm being dramatic but it bothers me because I'd prefer if her asked me to take care of Duke as a friend rather than an employee. And in my world, you don't pay a friend to do you a favour. Friends help you because your friends. You care about the person. You do things to help them because you value them and the things they bring to your life whether that be material, or not.
And I know he didn't mean anything by it but it just bothers me. A lot.
He has money and I think sometimes he uses it to keep a distance from others. It's almost like a barrier so that he doesn't have to let people in.
And it frustrates me because of his comments sometimes. He hires people to do things for him. He hires people because he can. I mean he hired a girl to do his proserve. And while I know that he wasn't thinking like oh I'm going to hire B to watch Duke, it annoys me. He was probably like I need someone I trust to watch Duke and I will just pay B because she'll do it.
But it just came off rude because we haven't spoken in 2 weeks. I'm pissed off about the fact that they posted we were opening on Facebook without sending an email out or informing the girls. I am pissed off he made a comment about me finding my keys in a conspicuous place because I was searching while he was gone. I'm pissed off he even considered I would have people at his house without asking his permission, ESPECIALLY employees as he so politely pointed out.
It just pisses me off because I feel like he's being a parent. Like I am your friend, this is your house. I respect you enough to not invite people into your space without your permission. I mean, you are my friend and their employer. It is not up to me who you trust to have in your house.

Foresight.

I literally cannot put into words how frustrating he is.

I love rain.

It feels soo fresh! It washes away all thr old and allows things to grow. You can begin brand new.

It ends tonight.

Resonance.

Why can't life be fair?

"Life doesn't care about justice. The world kicks your ass sometimes, but you work through it. You ask for help, you try again. And sometimes you have to fight back. Sometimes you have to fight your way in. This is where the plot thickens."

Today's revelation.

I hope you miss me.

Mother's Day.