mr. johnson.

You don't always have to hold your head above your heart.

work sucks.

Soo I'm not sure if I blogged about my Christmas work disaster but basically they have me scheduled the 21, 23,24,26,28,30,31. And when I saw that I bascially said, "fuck that". It would be a waste to even come home for Christmas if that was my schedule. Like I wouldn't be home until 9 or 10 Christmas Eve (which would never fly because we celebrate Christmas Eve with my momma's family) and I'd have to be back here on the 26. If they give me the 23,24 off, I'd be willing to work New Year's and hopefully get an earlier shift. I mean even if I work until 5, I'd be able to make it home and go out with my friends. But the reason it bothers me is that there are people that live here that could work those days. I get no one wants to work the holidays but I don't live here. That's the issue.
So I kind of mentioned to my boss that I'd be in to talk to him and he's like please don't tell me you're giving you're two weeks and his entire face dropped and his voice just went completely oh fuck oh fuck. hahahahaha and I was like no no I'm not giving my two weeks, we just need to talk about the December schedule because the way it is now, I can't even go home for Christmas. And we agreed upon 5-8 hours a week. So basically he said he'll have my manager (who is dumb and useless as a fucking post I might add) look at it and then we'll talk. Basically if it comes down to it, I'll quit at the very beginning of December, get my two busy weeks (I'm done exams on the 16th at the latest (webct)) and then I'd get to be home for Christmas.

you're the one thing that I know for sure.

B- "I was doing so good. I hate that he texted me. I was soo happy. I know it's stupid and I'm so fucking mad at myself."
KG- "Do you like that he texted you though?"
"Yeah I miss him so much it's stupid. I was smiling like a fool yesterday.
"Well, what do you want?"
"Him, I just know he doesn't."
"How do you know that when he is still showing you some sort of affection?"
"I don't know, I'm scared to go there again."
"I can't give you my opinion because I'm not in your situation and I know if I was you I'd be running to him. In the end, we choose the ones that hurt us."
"He's the only one that evokes anything real in me."
"You sound all grown up."
"I just don't understand."
"It's not something you understand."
"I love him so much and I have done honestly everything to move on and at the end of the day he is the only one I want to be with. I wake up thinking about him. I fall asleep thinking about him. I know how stupid and ridiculous of a girl I sound like but I am just at a standstill."

I'm still fighting.

"Why is it always the ones that we want are the ones we can't have?"

"I don't know. All I know is we can't give up. Love is worth fighting for."

she'll always love him.

How come we can go months without talking and in a few texts it's like we spoke this morning? Honestly, it drives me nuts that with a few words, he has me smiling like a fool. It's stupid, I'm so flustered because he makes me smile in the simplest way. I love that boy so much it's not even funny. And I'd give anything for him to be here right now. And that's saying something because I kno the consequences of such a thing. But I would love nothing more than to just lay with my head perfectly in his chest and have him hold me all night long. I'd give anything to feel that safe for a night again.

She just looked me in the eye, said it's over; didn't try to lie or pick a fight.

In ain't exactly what I had in mind, for goodbye:
At a red light, in the sunshine, on a sunday
nothing to say, don't even try.
Some are coming home, some are leaving town
while my world's crashing down
on a sunday, in the sunshine, at a red light.


So this is how is ends,
this is where it all goes down;
this is what 'I don't love you feels like'.

seriously, he never fails.

So last night I was laying in bed talking to AM and DK and my sister. The boys were drinking and my sister and I were just chatting whatever. So my sister and AM have bbm and DK has an iphone. And my text messages make a different noise than my bbms. So I get the notification of a text and go to read it of course, assuming it's DK. Turns out it's not. Who is it? None other than my very own number twelve.
Now why in the hell did he text me at 12 am on a long weekend during which he likely assumed I was at home. I don't know the answer, please feel free to formulate your own opinion. Needless to say, I didn't answer him. And I feel a little bit bad but I don't think I'm ready to deal with that. I have two midterms this week and I don't have the time to deal with his garbage this week. If can only take the time to text me at midnight on a saturday, then it's not worth my time. Make an effort asshole.