that's what you get for falling again, you can never get him out of your head.

she's beautiful as usual with bruises on her ego and
her killer instinct tells her to be aware of evin men.

baaaxxxxttteeerrrrrr.

The boys are having another party at their house toinght. I don't think I'm gonna go. I'm tired and I have lots of homework to do. I'm currently watching anchorman (funniest movie ever) and being completely unproductive. I just ate supper and I have to fold my laudry so we'll see. I have so much homework so I should probably do that. Plus I just have had ridiculous time out lately. My only issue is that JW will be there (obviously.. it's his house duh) haha and I like hanging out with all those boys. I guess we'll see how it all goes. I'm too tired to drink. I have a glass of wine and I'm just basking right now.
Oh, and apparently my dad is in the hospital. I guess he's okay but he had a table dropped on his foot or something. I was really worried for awhile there! I think I'm too tired to do anything. I am quite content to just sit here and relax for the night. Maybe do some reading and finish my laundry. I washed my sheets today and I am now washing all the rest of my laundry so I will have a nice fresh wardrobe for the week!

just thinking of you.

I can't help thinking of you and
the way you look tonight.

just do it.

Hey Nike,
I just wanted to let you know that I'm not impressed that you don't ship to Canada. I find it revolting that you can ship to the Middle East, Hong Kong, Portugal, Slovenia and every other European nation but you do not ship to your neighbours above you. It is really annoying me because now I have to arrange a whole plan to get a few hoodies sent here. Please get with the times and ship to Canada.

Sincerely,
B.

ppmd; the morning after.

Alright so last night I went out hahahaha. And I went to KG and CW's house and we pre-drank and had jell-o shots etc. It was really fun and this dude PT was hitting on me and kept forcing me to drink in games etc. So whatever we went to the country bar here, Boss Hoggs (I've never been before.. it was alright). And we danced all night and CT danced with me too and that was fine whatever. And then we went home and PT was being really nice actually. I was like yeah I'm not gonna sleep with you and he's like I know. You're the kind of girl that a boy dates not the kind of girl a boy fucks. And I was like uh thank you? He's like no I'm serious, I actually want to take you on a date.
So we came back to KG and CW's house (they are my neighbours fyi) and then I was exhausted so I said I was going home to bed and he kissed me and we talked more and he came home with me. I was like I'm still not sleeping with you and he's like I know. So whatever we went to bed and he just like rubbed my back and was just really nice. Like he kissed my forehead in the cab and I told him to not be so nice to me because boys aren't actually that nice.
Then this morning we were laying in bed and I was like I have soooo much homework to do (hoping he'd get the hint). And he just like chatted and then he went to sleep so at like 11 I got up and started studying and he just like stayed sleeping in my bed it was the weirdest thing ever. And he just was not getting that I wanted him to leave because I had shit to do. So then I got in the shower being like okay if you don't get the hint now like I'll probably have to be rude. I also found out in this time period that he doesn't drive (in my opinion that's effin lame and not attractive at all. ) Then finally when i got out of the shower I had to wake him up and I was like hey sorry but I have to go to PPMD (post party morning discussion) with the boys. And he was like okay. So I finally took him home at almost 1pm.
All the while my roommate was being so loud and him and I were texting having the funniest conversation and K is just beaking beaking beaking him. First he was like the poor kid is screwed, he knows I'm out here so if he was trying to sneak away it isn't happening. And I'm gonna make it awkward. Then we continued to text, he was going to fake call me so I could be like ya sorry I gotta go. Then I asked if it would be rude to come hang out with K and leave him in my bed and he's like no do it, it will be so funny especially if he tries to come out and you tell him to wait in your room. (hahaha what is this an episode of jersey shore) so then when I found out that he didn't drive K was like I have some quarters, you can direct him to the bus stop. it is easily at the point of saying time to leave. And then K was like okay I think you need to just say, "look dude, sometimes I drink too much and make mistakes, and that's what you are, a mistake. I really hoped you would have figured that out on your own but you are just as retarded as our cousin. If you are still unaware of what I am alluding to, you need to leave." bahahahahahahahahahahaha
I burst out laughing so hard when I read that.  Then to top it all off when I dropped the kid off he asked me if he could call me and we could hang out or something. And it's lucky I had my sunglasses on. Then he left his phone at my house so I had to give it to KG to take to his house when they went.
Anyways it was a hell of a morning.

let love in.

you're the only one I ever believed in,
the answer that could never be found
the moment you decided to let love in.

itunes game.

Let Love In- Goo Goo Dolls.

to cross that line, put your lips on mine.

he broke my heart, broke it right in two
and it took some time, but I'm feeling like I'm
finally ready to find, find somebody new.

no bad days.

Number twelve and I had a bit of a chat today but who the hell knows how that's going to go. I told him today that I don't know how I want it to go anymore. Which is true. I'm tired of hurting.
Also, antelope hunter's roommate is a smokeshow. Legitimately. I think something about him is soooo sexy. And he's nice. I never like nice guys. Whenever I see him he's like 'hello beautiful' or something along those lines. Tonight for example, he walked in the house and gave a big hello to everyone, pointed to me and smiled and told his story about hockey then runs across the room and jumps on top of me giving me a hugeee hug. Then he went to shower and came back downstairs and mostly everyone had left but he started singing and gave me a big hug hahaha and then they were asking me if dudes tried stuff if it would work on me hahahaha if they did that or said that would they 'get it in'. bahaha it was so funny. then I'm waiting to leave because I was driving and he comes up gives me a hugeeee hug and serenades me to something about love/sex hahaha. It was just enjoyable.
Everyone was really fun tonight. I almost wish I had've gone home and showered so I could actually go out. But I'm all good. I'm in my bed watching Gilmore Girls with a smile upon my face.

a big hug and a serenade.

I  think I have a school girl crush.

baby, what about the ending?

I caved today. I text number twelve because I felt guilty because I am just not that. No it's not okay for him to treat me like that but me being rude and blunt to him isn't any better. I am now going to the gym because if I do not I will just sit at home and be sad about him all night.

people throw rocks at things that shine.

if this was a movie, you'd be here by now.

walk in my shoes.

it's funny how the people you've never judged for the things they've done are extremely judgemental of you to the point of throwing your mistakes in your face and using them against you.

they say 'never judge a book by its cover'.

You know it really bothers me that people are still judging me for cheating on number twelve. It's like they think I don't love him as much as I say I do or something. And to be honest, it pisses me right off. You are entitled to your opinion but you don't know the entire situation and you never ever will.
I get so frustrated because I love that kid more than most husbands and wives love each other. And I know that because of how much I love him and care about him despite all we've been through. I still see him and get weak. I still get giddy when I get a text message from him even when I'm so angry with him. And what most people don't understand is that despite the fact I would like to eventually end up with him, if he would be happier with someone else, I want him to be with someone else. I want him to have the best life in this world that he can have. I want him to be happy and I want every single one of his dreams to come true whether or not they include me.
Judge me all you want. Call me a bad person. Try and make me feel guilty. Whatever it is you need to do to feel better, do it. But know this:
I love that boy with a love that most people never experience. I believe in our love and the possibility of it. I am not a bad person, and I don't carry the weight of my mistakes anymore. I love him and I'm a good person that is deserving of  someone like him. And he's a good person that deserves my love. And I don't really care what anyone else thinks because it is our relationship. And I don't need you to understand.

you keep messin' up and I'll keep praying for you.

I havent been to church since I don’t remember when

Things were goin’ great ‘til they fell apart again
So I listened to the preacher as he told me what to do
He said you can’t go hatin’ others who have done wrong to you
Sometimes we get angry, but we must not condemn
Let the good Lord do His job and you just pray for them.

thank you.

Last night I saw a picture from a birthday party of someone I used to know. I used to wat to be friends with those people so bad I was willing to give up everything about myself to be who they wanted me to be. And now, I have no idea why.
I cannot comprehend how or why I wanted to be that way. I don't know why I was willing to give up who I am to be like them or why I thought they were 'cool'. I was just looking at this picture thinking they are exactly the same as they were 5 years ago. They haven't moved forward in their lives. They still do the same things on weekends and they are still friends with most of the same people. They are not bettering themselves or educating themselves on what else there is in the world.
I'm just so happy I grew out of that phase. I am so happy that I didn't end up like that. That I pushed on to something better, that I saw that I'm worth more than that. I think that's why I hate RD. So many people that are there still are exactly the same as they always were. And I want to be dynamic and ever-changing. I want to be a better person every single day of my life. I want to impact the world in a positive way and I want to create change. I want to be better.

bye bye blonde.

I got my hair did today!!!! (Yes I know that's completely gramatically incorrect) I got it cut and coloured today and I loveeee it. It's dark again, like really dark. And super pretty. It feels so nice. Always go dark when you're hair is dry or fried and it makes it so much better. I am so happy with what he did with it. It's a major change and I think it's a good thing.
I started to feel a little guilty today about everything with number twelve. TK told me not to feel bad or guilty that he really needs to know it's not okay to treat me like that. And I think that's what's hardest about this. I didn't say that to be a bitch or to hurt him. I want everything to work out with us eventually I just know that he's not ready. And to be honest, I don't think I am either. I really love him and I miss talking to him and spending time with him. I miss knowing what's going on in his life and I miss him knowing what's going on in mine. I just have to be strong and independent and myself for now. It's all going to work out in the end. People that are meant to be together always find their way in the end, right?

you like me thinking that, I like the sound of that.

and I like the sound of the alarm clock ringing,
means I'll spend another day with you.

don't you leave, cause I know all I need is on the other side of the door.

I said leave, but
all I really want is you.

can't stop the hurt inside, when love and hate collide.

Why is it always that the best days are followed by the worst days?

is this some sort of cruel joke?

"You may be worried that someone you believed cared deeply for you no longer does. Or, you may think that you have fallen from favor with someone who put you on a pedastal. But that's because you are hyper-focusing on things that person said or you are dwelling on mistakes you've made that you feel would cause someone to think less of you. But nothing is wrong. You are still beloved by that special person, and you probably always will be. Whether that person is right for you in his or her current role in your life may be another matter entirely. But you will figure that out in time, and you'll be fine with whatever you discover."

you're not sorry.

Also, I think I'm hilarious/clever/a major bitch/ standing up for myself.
Last night number twelve text me at like 12:30 and I didn't answer. then he sent me another text about fifteen minutes later to say happy birthday. And he used my full name... dick move. Again, I didn't answer... until this morning. I got up and waited a decent while before texting him and all I responded with was,
"thanks. but unless you're outside my door with flowers, a hug and one hell of an apology, we unfortunately have nothing more to talk about. "
It sounds really rude but it's just not okay to treat me like that and I need him to realize that.

birthday.

Today is my birthday and it has been fan freaking tastic so far. This morning I could've sworn I was in the university version of jersey shore. It was so funny. I got a coffee and took tim's to the boys when I went to pick up my wallet and they were like ohhh it's your birthday wheeeuuu and they started stomping and clapping and pounding on the table so loud until A got up and it was soo funny. They're just like "YEAAAAHHHH BUDDDYYY  B'S BIRTHDAY YEAAAHHHHH!!!" It was so funny. I died and then we just sat there for like 3 hours chatting and having the morning after conversation and it was great.
Mom and Nana came today and we went for lunch and got groceries etc. It was perfect. They also bought a cake so we'll have that tonight with a few people and just chill then back to the books haha.

woody.

Last night was funnnnn. I went to kummoniwanalaya and drank at the boys beforehand. It was really quite enjoyable except for the fact that the only thing I can smell right now is beer and it is really disgusting. I know, I know, I'll shower soon. Also, my stomach is raping me right now. It hates me so much and I don't know why. I only drank vodka and light beer last night. No shots, none of that garbage. haha it was really fun. I wish that s and my events could have been opposite nights because it would've been fun but it was really good to see her.
Also, yesterday in the library C wore a woody costume. hahahahaha fuck it was hilarious. Like he walked around like he had Woody's legs and he like looks at us and he's like "I've got a snake in my boot" and S and I just laughed sooo hard. I've never really talked to C before but he was really funny. Also, he was going up to random people that were giving him the dirtiest looks and he's like howdy hahahaha. NO ONE said hi back. wtf is that about. Anyways it was funny and enjoyable. It was a good day.
Momma is probably on her way here soon so we'll see her and then study. Great birthday plans haha.