Content.

I wish I could lay in bed all day. It's so nice to be in bed and not doing anything. Just relaxing. In my own bed. No one to bother me. I really wish I didn't have to work and could spend the whole day.

Want this tattoo baaad

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. The courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

Always love, love always.

It's funny you know. I am in a place where I'm better than okay, great in fact. I texted number twelve merry Christmas last night and he answered me but I never saw until this morning. And it made me smile to see he'd answered, he cares. I think that's what's do hard about us. There's a love that's always going to be there between us. Despite everything or perhaps in spite of everything we've been through. And I still get a funny feeling in my stomach when I talk to him. That's not normal after being broken up 2 and a half years. I think that's troubling. I only get to the point of being okay or well when we are completely removed from one another's lives because there's always something still there when we are involved.
This frightens me because what do I do when I fall for someone else and then I see him or speak to him. It's not fair to do that. Is this always going to be like this?

It's complicated.

And then of course I said merry Christmas to number twelve. I just texted him, we haven't spoken in exactly 14 weeks. I knew that I'd regret it if I didn't say it. I would regret not being the bigger person and swallowing my pride because it is Christmas and I really do wish the best for him. I want him to be happy, I want him to find love and live life to its very fullest. And that's hard for me a little bit because I wanted to be that love so badly. But at this point in my life, I'm just not. I'm not that love and I might never be. And that's okay with me because I'm young and I have so much life to live. I have so many things I want to accomplish in my life and none of those things are around here. I have things I want to find and people I want to meet and places I want to go. And so does he. So for the first time I've ever really been okay with it, I want him to find a love and a life without me. The happiest kind. Because at the end of the day I will always love him. He will always be my first real love.

I found a good one.

So I was talking the other day about KH I think and he came for Christmas dinner tonight. He's a complete sweetheart. He helped the other day, tomorrow he's fixing the fireplace and bathroom and tonight he was playing hockey on the ground with monkey and he helped with dishes. He is so nice like actually.
It seems so weird to me. I don't even know boys that nice. He like holds the door and calls me dear and waits for me to go first. He brought me a blanket when I was cold tonight.
I didn't think people like that existed. I know my family likes him and they've mentioned like why aren't you into him. He's good looking, taller than me, has his life together, nice truck, he's older and wants a more mature relationship.
He's one of the good ones.
I'm just worried the timing is off.

Independence.

My mom has been single for years now. And awhile back she told me it's okay to be independent but it's okay to need people too, you don't have to be alone. For the first time, I really understood what she meant last night. I went to PD's party and I showed up alone and then I did something for AM. PW came with me on the errand for AM and as we were walking to my vehicle he's like I can drive if you want? And I'm like you're wasted? I think I'll take my chances. The roads were super terrible so I get why he offered but I was like it's fine. I'm a good driver, I do this a lot. And then my wind shield wiper was covered in ice so I pulled over to clean it off. He's like do you want me to do it? I'm like no I can it's fine.
When I got back in the car he's like you're like really... Really... And I'm like really what? Independent? And he's like yes.
Well I'm so sorry for you that I'm not a needy girl. I think that's something that intimidates men. They want to feel needed and I get that because we all want to feel needed. But can I at least choose what I need from a man? Like I want that one day but I'm also not afraid to live my life without a boy. In a lot of ways, it's much easier alone.
Is it wrong that I need a man for sex and cuddling anytime I want? That's what I need from a man in my life. The rest are just things I want. I maintain the belief that I want a man to take care of me but I don't want to need him to take care of me. That's a major difference. I want a man around that wants to do things for me not that needs to because I can't. And sure he can mow the lawn or fix the car if that tickled his fancy but I want it to be because he wants to, not because he feels he needs to.

I heard that you're doing well.

Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead.

How many heartaches must I stand.

Can't hurry love. No, you just have to wait. They say love don't come easy, it's a game of give and take.

You are loved.

"The most important thing that you will ever learn is that you are loved."

Love love love this quote.

“When you can drive down the road and not be afraid of what's playing on the radio, that's when you know it's over. "
-Lee Brice