Saturday, March 14, 2015
An interesting perspective.
Let's be real B, in life there are winners and there are losers. More specifically, there are winners, potential winners, and just the biggest losers. Potential winners are the most disappointing and usually have the greatest potential in life but they let drugs or alcohol destroy their chances.
Be positive and cherish everything.
Today I met TBM to talk. We just sat at the B&F and talked for like 45 minutes. It was really nice. We talked about mom and how he coped with his mom's situation. He told me how it started in 1999 and then she went into remission for 10 years and then I already knew the next time it was a long (nearly 5 year process) from there. It's a very similar situation to my mom. T told me he was best friends with her and it was tough and he still has days where he picks up his phone to call her before realizing he can't. He also had her thumbprint made into a gold pendant which I think is incredible.
He was so understanding and kind and I appreciate the things he told me. As shitty as it is, he basically said B unfortunately, this is life and it's going to happen at some point. And even if you're not ready and you feel too young and that it's unfair, it's really not up to you.
I think I needed his honesty. J is so much more concerned about my feelings that the cold, hard truth. And I think that's why I really needed to speak to T about it this time. I have had a really tough week emotionally. I am concerned about mom, I think she's getting worse again. I think she's pushing herself too hard and it scares me. I told T, I prepared myself for my mom to die. I was ready for it, I had accepted it as much as you can accept losing the person you love most in the world. And then she got better. And now I think she's getting worse. And it's the emotional roller coaster that's killing me right now.
He reminded me that it's so important to be positive without being in denial of the situation. He reminded me that this is entirely out of my control and that I have to rely on my faith. I have to believe that when it happens, she's going to a better place. And his mom was incredibly religious and made it easy on them. He reminded me to cherish every single moment. To save voicemails, take videos and really immerse myself in her love while I can.
It scares me because he's right.
He changed the subject after. He talked about work and asked me about life and just talked to me. He asked my opinion on menu items and genuinely appreciates my input. He asked about life and we just talked about things. We joked about girls and I showed him a funny video and picture. Before I left he reminded me to be positive and cherish everything.
I feel really blessed to have him and J in my life.
I am grateful to God every single day for guiding me to them when I needed them most.
He was so understanding and kind and I appreciate the things he told me. As shitty as it is, he basically said B unfortunately, this is life and it's going to happen at some point. And even if you're not ready and you feel too young and that it's unfair, it's really not up to you.
I think I needed his honesty. J is so much more concerned about my feelings that the cold, hard truth. And I think that's why I really needed to speak to T about it this time. I have had a really tough week emotionally. I am concerned about mom, I think she's getting worse again. I think she's pushing herself too hard and it scares me. I told T, I prepared myself for my mom to die. I was ready for it, I had accepted it as much as you can accept losing the person you love most in the world. And then she got better. And now I think she's getting worse. And it's the emotional roller coaster that's killing me right now.
He reminded me that it's so important to be positive without being in denial of the situation. He reminded me that this is entirely out of my control and that I have to rely on my faith. I have to believe that when it happens, she's going to a better place. And his mom was incredibly religious and made it easy on them. He reminded me to cherish every single moment. To save voicemails, take videos and really immerse myself in her love while I can.
It scares me because he's right.
He changed the subject after. He talked about work and asked me about life and just talked to me. He asked my opinion on menu items and genuinely appreciates my input. He asked about life and we just talked about things. We joked about girls and I showed him a funny video and picture. Before I left he reminded me to be positive and cherish everything.
I feel really blessed to have him and J in my life.
I am grateful to God every single day for guiding me to them when I needed them most.
I am the captain of my soul.
Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In fell the clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the horrors of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul.
-William Ernest Henley
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In fell the clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the horrors of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul.
-William Ernest Henley
Grateful. Every single day.
I thank God every single day for blessing me with the pleasure of knowing those boys.
Thursday, March 12, 2015
Deja vu.
I started reading my blog from the beginning. I read about 6 weeks worth before I had to stop. A single tear slid down my face. It's happening all over.
Take a chance on me, you won't regret it.
I know you're scared, I can feel it.
It's in the air, I know you feel that too.
It's in the air, I know you feel that too.
Dreadful nostalgia.
I miss Number Twelve a little bit today. Not in a way that I want us to get back together but I read that quote about missing someone and the dreadful nostalgia. I think it's so true. Even though that kid is so ridiculous and I was so blinded by my love for him for much too long after we broke up, he is an amazing human being and I feel blessed to have him as such an important player in my life. He was an integral part of my adolescent development.
I would be lying if I said I didn't love him. I always will. It's a different kind of love now. I think I miss our friendship more than anything now. I miss silly things about our relationship. I miss his presence I think, like when we would study beside each other. Or he'd sit at his kitchen table while I sat in his bed and then he'd bring me coffee and just come sit by me for a few minutes.
I am no fan of JP but I will always remember what she said to me the first time she ever saw number twelve and I together. He made us a coffee for our drive back to Leth after JP and PD broke up and she had to drop some stuff off to him. 12 and I unpacked his room and just hung out while they talked forever. We weren't speaking much at this point and I hadn't really seen much of him. He made my coffee and put the milk in and he said, "your's is ready. Sorry JP, I don't know what you take in your coffee. And here's some of mom's cookies, I know how much you love them."
We got in the car and JP said to me, "you two really love one another". I was like what do you mean? She's like the way you look at one another, and speak to one another, the way you carry yourselves around each other, it's clear that you have a strong love.
And at the time that was really tough to hear and in some ways, it still is tough to think about that. At the same time I feel blessed. I feel blessed to have been with someone who was my best friend. I feel blessed to have been in a relationship where our love was radiant. It was obvious to other people and not because we were trying to make it obvious. I feel so blessed to have fallen in love with someone who loved me so deeply. I am so grateful to have been blessed with that silly boy and his heart.
I would be lying if I said I didn't love him. I always will. It's a different kind of love now. I think I miss our friendship more than anything now. I miss silly things about our relationship. I miss his presence I think, like when we would study beside each other. Or he'd sit at his kitchen table while I sat in his bed and then he'd bring me coffee and just come sit by me for a few minutes.
I am no fan of JP but I will always remember what she said to me the first time she ever saw number twelve and I together. He made us a coffee for our drive back to Leth after JP and PD broke up and she had to drop some stuff off to him. 12 and I unpacked his room and just hung out while they talked forever. We weren't speaking much at this point and I hadn't really seen much of him. He made my coffee and put the milk in and he said, "your's is ready. Sorry JP, I don't know what you take in your coffee. And here's some of mom's cookies, I know how much you love them."
We got in the car and JP said to me, "you two really love one another". I was like what do you mean? She's like the way you look at one another, and speak to one another, the way you carry yourselves around each other, it's clear that you have a strong love.
And at the time that was really tough to hear and in some ways, it still is tough to think about that. At the same time I feel blessed. I feel blessed to have been with someone who was my best friend. I feel blessed to have been in a relationship where our love was radiant. It was obvious to other people and not because we were trying to make it obvious. I feel so blessed to have fallen in love with someone who loved me so deeply. I am so grateful to have been blessed with that silly boy and his heart.
The tree.
I find it so annoying because today I was basically like, I really need to take a break and I don't miss him and I was thinking about how selfish he is and how I really need to just take some time and focus on me instead of him. And it's honestly not that I want to talk to him about anything in particular or feel the need to contact him. AND THEN I see a picture of the tree on facebook and an explanation about it and I just want to screenshot it, text him and say, "offfff course you guys posted about the stupid tree". That tree is their baby and it's so ridiculous and I think it's hilarious. Like him and I joke about it because so many people want to like decorate the tree or they touch it and him and T are SO dramatic about it and I imagine it was incredibly expensive because it's beautiful and realistic and doesn't look like a shitty, cheap, fake flower.
His auntie was supposed to be holding a party at the end of March or April I think and he called her to be like look, we closed down like here's the situation. We should be open by the party but if not, now you know well in advance, etc. So she's like okay but we can still do this this and decorate the tree. And J was like WHAT. NO YOU CANNOT DECORATE THE TREE. hahahahaha and I guess his aunt like called T and was like you guys said we could decorate the tree and now we can't and it was a big deal and I think it's hilarious.
I don't want to talk to him about anything. I want to talk to him about nothing.
His auntie was supposed to be holding a party at the end of March or April I think and he called her to be like look, we closed down like here's the situation. We should be open by the party but if not, now you know well in advance, etc. So she's like okay but we can still do this this and decorate the tree. And J was like WHAT. NO YOU CANNOT DECORATE THE TREE. hahahahaha and I guess his aunt like called T and was like you guys said we could decorate the tree and now we can't and it was a big deal and I think it's hilarious.
I don't want to talk to him about anything. I want to talk to him about nothing.
Wednesday, March 11, 2015
Tears.
I am incredibly emotional today. I'm not sure why. I am worried about mom and school and work and just everything. I feel kind of like I'm trapped. I'm trapped inside this place where I'm going through the motions of duty and obligation. I hate it. I hate it so much but I don't know what to do. Serving feels like I'm more open. I don't know. I don't love grade 1. I love my children, I really do but not grade 1. These children are not meant for me. I don't feel like I'm helping them. I'm not passionate about teaching them to read or write. I want children who know how to do that. I want to teach children how to think, how to write what they feel. I don't care what they did on the weekend or if they can spell their name with the letters correctly. I feel trapped in this place where I'm concerned about mom and dad and B and J. I am trapped in this place where I feel like I have to take care of everyone. I have to make sure everyone is okay.
I feel like I get up each day and just go through the motions. I miss serving immensely. I miss the adrenaline I get from being so incredibly busy for a few hours and then walking out with a couple hundred bucks. I miss not being able to come home and completely forget about school because I'm so exhausted.
I'm dreading parent teacher interviews. Like dreading them. I am beyond terrified to tell two parents I think they should medicate their child because I am anything other than an advocate for medicating children. But I truly believe that the only way this little girl will ever feel successful is school is with medication.
I am dreading telling another parent I think their child has a communication delay. I am dreading telling parents that their child is not where they should be and they are quickly falling behind due to their work habits and lack of parental support at home.
I feel like I grew up in such a short span of time. I don't know when or how I transitioned from student to teacher. I don't know how I transitioned from mature adolescent to young adult. I just feel like everything is happening so fast and it is so out of my control. And it scares me immensely because I am a control freak and a half. I like to be able to control things that happen to me or at least have some say in the circumstances.
I just feel incredibly overwhelmed. Or in shock.
I feel like I'm living someone else's life.
I feel like I get up each day and just go through the motions. I miss serving immensely. I miss the adrenaline I get from being so incredibly busy for a few hours and then walking out with a couple hundred bucks. I miss not being able to come home and completely forget about school because I'm so exhausted.
I'm dreading parent teacher interviews. Like dreading them. I am beyond terrified to tell two parents I think they should medicate their child because I am anything other than an advocate for medicating children. But I truly believe that the only way this little girl will ever feel successful is school is with medication.
I am dreading telling another parent I think their child has a communication delay. I am dreading telling parents that their child is not where they should be and they are quickly falling behind due to their work habits and lack of parental support at home.
I feel like I grew up in such a short span of time. I don't know when or how I transitioned from student to teacher. I don't know how I transitioned from mature adolescent to young adult. I just feel like everything is happening so fast and it is so out of my control. And it scares me immensely because I am a control freak and a half. I like to be able to control things that happen to me or at least have some say in the circumstances.
I just feel incredibly overwhelmed. Or in shock.
I feel like I'm living someone else's life.
Tuesday, March 10, 2015
Someone make me stop.
It's my own fault. I know that it is. I make excuses for him because, "he's never been in a relationship" or "his parents' relationship wasn't a positive model" or "he's just not ready". When in fact all of these things are just excuses to make myself feel better. If he was ready, we would be in a relationship. It's my own fault for allowing us to get here. I rely on him so much more than he relies on me and it's not fair because I want to be here for him like he is for me but he rarely lets me. The more I think about it, the more frustrated I become. I mean he's got the best of all worlds. He has me for whatever he wants me to be, whenever he wants me to be. He has a great employee, a friend who would do anything for him and a girl who is head over heels for him with little effort on his part.
I am mad at myself. I am mad at myself for being stupid and naive and pathetic. I am mad at myself for knowing everything I know and still feeling how I feel. I hate how I feel and I hate that I give into him and I have been through this before. Granted he treats me better than sunshine but it's still like deja vu. I am so incredibly angry because I know everything about this feeling. I am consciously aware of what I am putting myself through. I just don't know how to stop.
I am mad at myself. I am mad at myself for being stupid and naive and pathetic. I am mad at myself for knowing everything I know and still feeling how I feel. I hate how I feel and I hate that I give into him and I have been through this before. Granted he treats me better than sunshine but it's still like deja vu. I am so incredibly angry because I know everything about this feeling. I am consciously aware of what I am putting myself through. I just don't know how to stop.
I am no one's exception, this I have previously learned.
I'm annoyed and a little sad and I am such a stupid girl I know. I think my problem is that I think he cares. And I want him to care. And I want him to not be completely oblivious to all social cues and his own behaviour.
This morning I talked to him and he told me he's in San Francisco too with CG and T. I had no idea he was even going. It's not like it came up in conversation or anything so I don't know why I expected he'd tell me. I guess I just feel frustrated and disappointed. He doesn't owe me anything I know. I know, I know, I know. I know and yet I'm still disappointed and hurt he didn't tell me. I don't even know what to say I'm just so stupid.
This morning I talked to him and he told me he's in San Francisco too with CG and T. I had no idea he was even going. It's not like it came up in conversation or anything so I don't know why I expected he'd tell me. I guess I just feel frustrated and disappointed. He doesn't owe me anything I know. I know, I know, I know. I know and yet I'm still disappointed and hurt he didn't tell me. I don't even know what to say I'm just so stupid.
Yesterday.
It's difficult because today we spoke and it was lovely. I found out more about work and it was really nice to just chat. I appreciate his approach to grounding me. I told him I was upset today and he's like Why?! As soon as I told him, instead of trying to talk me through it, he just mentions benefits and tries to make me laugh. His way of reducing my stress is in some ways, more stressful and in other ways endearing. I guess I just feel like he is so utterly clueless to relational interaction.
Sunday, March 8, 2015
I just want to take your time.
I am in the weirdest place lately. Moving has been so wonderful for me but it's been a real eye-opener at the same time.
I have had a lot of time to think lately since work is closed so I have lost one of my outlets. One of the reasons I really like serving still is that at the end of a long week of teaching, it's a pump of high-stress environment coupled with adrenaline and adult social activity. Basically, it takes all of my stress from teaching and puts it on the back burner because restaurants require all of your focus for a limited period of time. I love getting pumped for 2 or 3 hours and then it's over. My immediate stress is gone and I'm too tired to think about all of the million little things about teaching I'd change.
It's also been a very different experience to not know I'll see J 3 or 4 times a week. We've been talking more and obviously had more time to talk and I've been to his house more and seen him outside of work more but it's kind of a weird dynamic. I feel like when I talk to him now, we talk. It's genuine and he's engaged and it's not a 30 second flirting or bitching or chirping session. We have conversations again and we haven't really for awhile. When I first started teaching, the change was gradual and I never noticed it really. And then November hit and it was report cards and I went to Vancouver and things kind of changed. December hit and we were so busy with Christmas season and he was a stress case and a half; then he left. January was overwhelming for me. February started to slow down and then we closed. And he relied on me and I really needed him to do that. I felt so good for him to need to have someone to vent to and reassure him. I liked being that person for him. I like being that person for him.
Now I don't know what to think. When we speak, he's engaged and we've talked on the phone more again and we've spoken about real things. But he is so hit and miss. We speak and see each other and then we don't talk for days. And I know we're both busy but it's almost like he goes from being incredibly interested to not giving a flying fuck in a span of 1 text message.
I don't want to be mistaken for saying that I don't want to date J. I don't know if I want to date him yet. I think he has some things he need to sort out and I know that I do. I certainly wouldn't be vehemently opposed to it but I'm not overly upset that we aren't. If I'm honest, I'm afraid to date J a little bit. Well, I'm afraid to date anyone for that matter. I am afraid of allowing myself to become completely emotionally, mentally, and physically involved in someone else. I don't want to give up myself in my next relationship and I think that is something that will make or break a relationship with J. We are both incredibly independent people and I think it will work very must to our benefit, or it would be the destruction of us. I am absolutely interested in J and I love him but I don't know if I'm in love with him because we haven't had that chance. We have inconceivable chemistry and we have a lot in common, including a lot of core values that really matter to me. He makes me laugh and he challenges me and he inspires me. He also supports me and he makes me feel valued. At this point, I feel somewhat blessed to be in an emotional relationship with him because I feel like I can ease into the relationship thing that I'm so terrified of. It's almost like a grandfathering process. Slow and steady progress; potential. And to be honest, I'm really okay with it. Sure, I have days where I crave the physical presence of a man. I crave to have someone because everyone else does, not because I particularly want someone. I think that's why I felt so validated with BR. He made me feel wanted and he cares about me and I know that. And his sheer physicality was exactly what I needed.
I feel a lot of pressure about J as well from outside sources. My family really gets to me about it and I know I shouldn't let them but I really need to not speak about J to them or anyone else as difficult as that is. I feel pressure from teachers, A and G and M and L. I feel like they want me to be in a relationship and I think they think I'm not happy. And I really am quite satisfied with my life right now. I feel grateful for my apartment and my career and my jeep and especially my family and friends. I feel grateful to be healthy and sleep well and able to exercise. I feel grateful to have employers like my principal and vice-principal and J and T who value me as an employee AND an individual.
I guess what I'm realizing more than anything from this is that I really need to focus on what I want and ensuring that I'm satisfied with the things in my life. I need to focus on striving for my own goals and worry less about what other people think. I am making an effort to reduce my time spent talking to J. And it has been difficult. I haven't spoken to him since Thursday and it feels like an eternity to me and he probably hasn't even noticed. I am trying my damnedest to be stubborn and strong because maybe he needs to realize he misses me (I hope). And it's hard for me because I recognize that as a person, J needs a lot of validation himself. He needs to feel needed and he likes attention. But I also feel like he's a little bit selfish and I need him to recognize that we all need to feel needed, or at the very least wanted. I need J to show me that I'm important to him. So I have to step back and allow him to step forward.
I have had a lot of time to think lately since work is closed so I have lost one of my outlets. One of the reasons I really like serving still is that at the end of a long week of teaching, it's a pump of high-stress environment coupled with adrenaline and adult social activity. Basically, it takes all of my stress from teaching and puts it on the back burner because restaurants require all of your focus for a limited period of time. I love getting pumped for 2 or 3 hours and then it's over. My immediate stress is gone and I'm too tired to think about all of the million little things about teaching I'd change.
It's also been a very different experience to not know I'll see J 3 or 4 times a week. We've been talking more and obviously had more time to talk and I've been to his house more and seen him outside of work more but it's kind of a weird dynamic. I feel like when I talk to him now, we talk. It's genuine and he's engaged and it's not a 30 second flirting or bitching or chirping session. We have conversations again and we haven't really for awhile. When I first started teaching, the change was gradual and I never noticed it really. And then November hit and it was report cards and I went to Vancouver and things kind of changed. December hit and we were so busy with Christmas season and he was a stress case and a half; then he left. January was overwhelming for me. February started to slow down and then we closed. And he relied on me and I really needed him to do that. I felt so good for him to need to have someone to vent to and reassure him. I liked being that person for him. I like being that person for him.
Now I don't know what to think. When we speak, he's engaged and we've talked on the phone more again and we've spoken about real things. But he is so hit and miss. We speak and see each other and then we don't talk for days. And I know we're both busy but it's almost like he goes from being incredibly interested to not giving a flying fuck in a span of 1 text message.
I don't want to be mistaken for saying that I don't want to date J. I don't know if I want to date him yet. I think he has some things he need to sort out and I know that I do. I certainly wouldn't be vehemently opposed to it but I'm not overly upset that we aren't. If I'm honest, I'm afraid to date J a little bit. Well, I'm afraid to date anyone for that matter. I am afraid of allowing myself to become completely emotionally, mentally, and physically involved in someone else. I don't want to give up myself in my next relationship and I think that is something that will make or break a relationship with J. We are both incredibly independent people and I think it will work very must to our benefit, or it would be the destruction of us. I am absolutely interested in J and I love him but I don't know if I'm in love with him because we haven't had that chance. We have inconceivable chemistry and we have a lot in common, including a lot of core values that really matter to me. He makes me laugh and he challenges me and he inspires me. He also supports me and he makes me feel valued. At this point, I feel somewhat blessed to be in an emotional relationship with him because I feel like I can ease into the relationship thing that I'm so terrified of. It's almost like a grandfathering process. Slow and steady progress; potential. And to be honest, I'm really okay with it. Sure, I have days where I crave the physical presence of a man. I crave to have someone because everyone else does, not because I particularly want someone. I think that's why I felt so validated with BR. He made me feel wanted and he cares about me and I know that. And his sheer physicality was exactly what I needed.
I feel a lot of pressure about J as well from outside sources. My family really gets to me about it and I know I shouldn't let them but I really need to not speak about J to them or anyone else as difficult as that is. I feel pressure from teachers, A and G and M and L. I feel like they want me to be in a relationship and I think they think I'm not happy. And I really am quite satisfied with my life right now. I feel grateful for my apartment and my career and my jeep and especially my family and friends. I feel grateful to be healthy and sleep well and able to exercise. I feel grateful to have employers like my principal and vice-principal and J and T who value me as an employee AND an individual.
I guess what I'm realizing more than anything from this is that I really need to focus on what I want and ensuring that I'm satisfied with the things in my life. I need to focus on striving for my own goals and worry less about what other people think. I am making an effort to reduce my time spent talking to J. And it has been difficult. I haven't spoken to him since Thursday and it feels like an eternity to me and he probably hasn't even noticed. I am trying my damnedest to be stubborn and strong because maybe he needs to realize he misses me (I hope). And it's hard for me because I recognize that as a person, J needs a lot of validation himself. He needs to feel needed and he likes attention. But I also feel like he's a little bit selfish and I need him to recognize that we all need to feel needed, or at the very least wanted. I need J to show me that I'm important to him. So I have to step back and allow him to step forward.
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