Melt my heart.

When I got to work today, J looked at me and he asked how I was. I said fine. He's like, are you sure? I had to look away because I thought that I was going to cry. I didn't say anything because I didn't want to start bawling at work. He said I was soo worried about you B!
All night he was being so nice and trying to make me laugh so I appreciate that because it's just so endearing.

Let it hurt, let it bleed, let it take you right down to your knees.

Sometimes the only way around it is to let love do its work,
and let it hurt.

How do you watch the strongest person you've ever known die?

I might be okay but I'm not fine at all.

Emotions.

I basically just spent the entire drive back here crying and when I got home I sat on the couch with my blanket and bawled for a solid hour in an ugly-cry-sound-like-a-man type of way. I just don't know what else to do.

#embarrassing.

So I guess like starting to cry on the phone when you're talking to your boss is cool.

I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairytale.

And there you are on your knees,
begging for forgiveness, begging for me: just like I always wanted.

I see sparks fly whenever you smile.

I am lonely. Or maybe I'm not lonely. I think I am just ready to be with someone. I don't think it's so much a loneliness as it is a longing for contact. A longing for closeness.
For so long I never let anybody in and I never let myself want to have anybody around. I was perfectly content with being alone because I believed so strongly in the possibility of number twelve and I getting back together. And now I don't. I thought that it would be more difficult to say that or to write about it but it's not. It simply is.
I am terrified with my feelings for J because I don't know if I am really falling for J or if I'm falling for the idea of J. He is a phenomenal human being. I'm captivated by him, I really am. But I am terrified of how he makes me feel.
He knows that I'm wrapped around his finger and he can use it to his advantage. I don't like that.
I know that he genuinely cares about me and I think that he has feelings for me too but I don't know if he would ever act on them. We are both so cautious, so logical and rational. We understand the excess of consequences that would follow any sort of interaction. I mean people already think we're sleeping together.
I am trying so hard to let time run its course but I fear that one day I'm just going to snap and be like, what the fuck do you want from me? 

Silly boy give me back my heart.

J gave me the safe code last night. That honestly seems so silly but after the day I had yesterday, validating how much he trusts me was really nice and I needed it.

Because that could only happen to me.

I got locked INSIDE work last night.