and we know it's never simple never easy.

I love AE (antelope hunter's little brother). He's such a sweet heart. He went on a big rant about number twelve with me today and how silly this whole situation is. He fully supports me and supports the fact that it's been a year and we are both in love still and we should just let it go and move on. I dunno. He just is so worried about his pride. It's super hard. I guess we just all want life to be easy.

I'm sorry every day.

Today she told me she wished I'd stop putting myself through all this agony. That I should stop torturing muself. But I don't know how.
I think that's my biggest issue with the whole situation. It's that I  did this and I can never ever take it back. And I've said before I wouldn't take it back because I learned so much. But I carry this every day and if I could take it back I would without question. I hurt every single day. I hate myself for being so stupid and so naive and thinking that the boy I loved didn't love me yet this boy who didn't care about me at all did. I just can't comprehend how I let this happened. But I cry myself to sleep most nights. If I sleep that is. I feel like the worst person you've ever known. Im crying so hard right nwo that boogers are faling out of my nose. I just want it all to go away. This is one hell of a lesson. But I just don't know how to let him go. I love number twelve so damn much. I don't know how  love like that just up and walks away. And every time I convince myself that I need to move on there is some sign telling me that I should never move on. That I need to hold on. I know that all of this situation that us being where we are is my fault.I carry that. I've tried to let it go. But there is always a constant reminder. Someone or something that reminds me how badly I screwed up and how if I ever got another chance I'd never let him go. I'm just at a loss because everyone has noticed how much I've changed. How different I am. I'm not even close to the same person because I don't know what kind of person could do something like that. Destroy themself so brutally. Sabotage their life and their happiness because they are just so afraid of someone actually loving them, someone actually caring about them. I just can't explain it. All the feelings I feel. All the lack of feelings I don't feel. When is this constant piercing of my heart and self-hatred going to go away.

How can I move on when I'm still in love with you?

I'm not broke, I'm just a broken hearted man
I know it makes no sense but what else can I do?
How can I move on when I'm still in love with you?

Cause if one day you wake up and find that you're missing me
and your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I could be
Thinkin maybe you'll come back here to the place that we'd meet
And you'll see me waiting for you on the corner of the street
So I'm not moving, I'm not moving

truth.

"Sex relieves tension-- love causes it."

- Woody Allen.

young love: full of promise, ignorant of reality.

It was a promise full of passion and truth and wisdom. It was the kind of promise that can only come from the hearts of the very young.

George Eliot.

"It is never too late to be what you might have been."

it's all about funny magic in unexpected places.

Fear not the future, weep not the past,
but live each day like it's your last.

-PD.

what do you want from me?

It's plain to see that baby you're beautiful
and it's nothing wrong with you.
It's me, I'm a freak, yeah,
but thanks for loving me, 'cause you're doing it perfectly.
There might have been a time when I would let you slip away,
I wouldn't even try, but I think you could save my life.
Just don't give up, I am working it out,
Please don't give in, I won't let you down,
It messed me up, need a second to breathe,
just keep coming around.