Make a wish and place it in your heart. Anything you want. Everything you want.
Do you have it? Good. Now believe it can come true. You never know where the next miracle is going to come from, the next smile. The next wish come true.
But if you believe that it is right around the corner. And you open your heart and mind to the possibility of it. To the certainty of it.
You just might get the thing you're wishing for.
The world is full of magic. You just have to believe in it. So make your wish. Do you have it?
Good. Now believe in it. With all your heart.
Saturday, September 8, 2012
home.
Is it weird that I connect on such a deep level with characters from a television show? It sounds weird, but in some ways, they ground me. There are two shows that really make me rethink things.
I have been watching Grey's Anatomy from the beginning and in some ways it reminds me of how human we are. That people make mistakes and that there are things out of our control. The things we do today are going to matter and contribute to how we act tomorrow.
I also started watching old episodes of One Tree Hill. I can't explain it but I have made some inexplicable connection with the characters on that show. Maybe it's because one of them is named Brooke Davis and when she marries she becomes Brooke Baker. I don't know something about it resonates with me. I feel grounded when I watch it. It reminds me of the importance of home, of family. Some people might say that home is where you make it, but when you grow up for 18 years in the same place, it's different. There is something about growing up in that place that changes everything. For me, most days I hate it, but sometimes I'm reminded about what I love about it: it's home.
It's where I learned a lot about life and love and living. It's where I learned a lot about the person I don't want to be. I learned about growing up and how hard life can be some days. I learned about the wonderful things life can bring you like my niece and nephew and I learned about the things life will try and take from you like the people you love.
I feel validated because it's okay to love what home gave you but hate it's attempt to hold you back. Sometimes you just have to realize there are bigger and better things out there. I learned a lot there but I've learned a lot more since I left. And maybe that's because I'm growing up and at a different age. I just have seen myself grow and change and in some ways I don't remember the person I used to be. And that's hard sometimes because I was less selfish back then and I sometimes wonder if I was a better person. I want to be a better person. I love my alone time here because I have time to think about who I want to be.
I have been watching Grey's Anatomy from the beginning and in some ways it reminds me of how human we are. That people make mistakes and that there are things out of our control. The things we do today are going to matter and contribute to how we act tomorrow.
I also started watching old episodes of One Tree Hill. I can't explain it but I have made some inexplicable connection with the characters on that show. Maybe it's because one of them is named Brooke Davis and when she marries she becomes Brooke Baker. I don't know something about it resonates with me. I feel grounded when I watch it. It reminds me of the importance of home, of family. Some people might say that home is where you make it, but when you grow up for 18 years in the same place, it's different. There is something about growing up in that place that changes everything. For me, most days I hate it, but sometimes I'm reminded about what I love about it: it's home.
It's where I learned a lot about life and love and living. It's where I learned a lot about the person I don't want to be. I learned about growing up and how hard life can be some days. I learned about the wonderful things life can bring you like my niece and nephew and I learned about the things life will try and take from you like the people you love.
I feel validated because it's okay to love what home gave you but hate it's attempt to hold you back. Sometimes you just have to realize there are bigger and better things out there. I learned a lot there but I've learned a lot more since I left. And maybe that's because I'm growing up and at a different age. I just have seen myself grow and change and in some ways I don't remember the person I used to be. And that's hard sometimes because I was less selfish back then and I sometimes wonder if I was a better person. I want to be a better person. I love my alone time here because I have time to think about who I want to be.
I should know so much better than this.
I turn my head away but my heart will remain until the day I learn you're no good for me.
Friday, September 7, 2012
Nerd.
And it's back to the usual. In bed before 11 on a friday night while everyone is going to the bar.
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
They're never ever be another you.
"There are all kinds of love in this world, but never the same love twice.
-F. Scott Fitzgerald
Maybe this is the key to number twelve and I. Maybe no matter how much I love him, I need to move on because I am right, I'm never going to love someone the same way I love him. I'm not ready yet but maybe one day. Because I cannot wait forever and I am so exhausted. I hate not talking to him. It's hard because I spend the day with him like Monday and then he's gone again. Monday was one of the best days I've had in a long time. We just sat in his room and talked and unpacked for like 3 hours. It was amazing. I had a moment when I cried. And he came in trying to make feel better but it's just so hard.
When we left, JP looked at me and she was like, "You really love him hey". And I was just like yeah I really do. She talked about how she could tell, how she's never seen me like that with anybody and how she hasn't seen many people ever look at each other the way that him and I look at each other. She said it was amazing because just looking at each other and the way we talk to each other, you can see how much we love one another.
As amazing as that was to hear, it was hard. It is hard.
It is hard for me because of the little things. Like he kept filling up my water glass while I was laying in his bed. And his momma made cookies that were sitting on the counter and I was like are those mom's cookies and he's like yes have one. Then before I left he was like make sure you take some cookies. So PD and JP and SD were there and then Number twelve made coffee. So he gave JP and I to-go mugs and he made my coffee with exact amounts of what I like in it, put the lid on and packed my like snacks for the drive home. Like how could I ever not love him.
-F. Scott Fitzgerald
Maybe this is the key to number twelve and I. Maybe no matter how much I love him, I need to move on because I am right, I'm never going to love someone the same way I love him. I'm not ready yet but maybe one day. Because I cannot wait forever and I am so exhausted. I hate not talking to him. It's hard because I spend the day with him like Monday and then he's gone again. Monday was one of the best days I've had in a long time. We just sat in his room and talked and unpacked for like 3 hours. It was amazing. I had a moment when I cried. And he came in trying to make feel better but it's just so hard.
When we left, JP looked at me and she was like, "You really love him hey". And I was just like yeah I really do. She talked about how she could tell, how she's never seen me like that with anybody and how she hasn't seen many people ever look at each other the way that him and I look at each other. She said it was amazing because just looking at each other and the way we talk to each other, you can see how much we love one another.
As amazing as that was to hear, it was hard. It is hard.
It is hard for me because of the little things. Like he kept filling up my water glass while I was laying in his bed. And his momma made cookies that were sitting on the counter and I was like are those mom's cookies and he's like yes have one. Then before I left he was like make sure you take some cookies. So PD and JP and SD were there and then Number twelve made coffee. So he gave JP and I to-go mugs and he made my coffee with exact amounts of what I like in it, put the lid on and packed my like snacks for the drive home. Like how could I ever not love him.
RANDOM.
So this is debatably the most random thing I have ever heard. Tonight LG texted me and said, "GUESS WHO INVITED ME FOR WINGS TONIGHT". And I was like haha I don't know number twelve and PD and she's like yeah! And CK. And I was so confused hahahaa I was like did you go? What did you say? And she's like dude it was so random I didn't know what to say. Like I said I had eaten.
I get that everyone is new to Calgary but none of them are even friends with each other? Like she has partied with PD and CK a few times and she semi knows number twelve through me but it was so incredibly random that they invited her hahaha they told her they'd invite her next week.
I get that everyone is new to Calgary but none of them are even friends with each other? Like she has partied with PD and CK a few times and she semi knows number twelve through me but it was so incredibly random that they invited her hahaha they told her they'd invite her next week.
Love, love, love.
"Well maybe I'm a crook for stealing your heart away
and maybe I'm a crook for not caring for it
Yes maybe I'm a bad person, well baby I know
And these fingertips will never run through your skin
and those bright blue eyes can only meet mine across a room, filled with people that are less important than you
All cause you love when you know I can't love, you love when you know I can't love you"
-Of Monsters and Men
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
Monday, September 3, 2012
Sunday, September 2, 2012
Solace.
Right now I am sitting in my bed watching Grey's Anatomy doing absolutely nothing but relaxing. There are so many other things I should be doing right now but I can't. I am alone and content and no one can interrupt this. No one can come in my room and distract me or ask me to do chores or clean or anything. No one can call me to babysit or pick them up or do this or that. And I am selfish I know for being so happy that no one can interrupt me. But it's because I always say yes. I am always available. And here, I don't have to be.
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