Does he calm you?

Tonight my mom and I were talking about this. It's an interesting thought

Try not to miss me too much until tomorrow.

That one stings a little.

Sometimes we want to believe something so badly that we ignore the reality right in front of us. 

Defeated.

Maybe it's okay to feel a little defeated for a day.

Men's clothing matters!

On Friday I started criticizing his attire and before I could finish he was like let me guess, B is complaining that I'm not wearing brown shoes. I started laughing and told him no I was complaining that you have millions of dollars in beautiful clothes and never wear most of them. 

Well you can be damn sure tonight he wore brown shoes and a jacket he knows I love. 

When he does shit like that I wonder how intentional it is. I wonder if he's like ya she's going to love this shit. He knows me so well. Brown shoes are sexy men. It is what it is. Black is boring and requires zero thought. Brown shoes and belt are like a giant waterfall. Black shoes are the Saharan desert. 

Hard, cold and certainly more painful than any lie.

"Sometimes I wonder if anything's absolute anymore. Is there still right and wrong? Good and bad? Truth and lies? Or is everything negotiable, left to interpretation, grey. Sometimes we're forced to bend the truth, transform it 'cause we're faced with things that are not of our own making. And sometimes things simply catch up to us.

Truth is still absolute. Believe that. Even when that truth is hard and cold and more painful than anything you ever imagined. And even when that truth is more cruel than any lie. "
-One Tree Hill

Princess Joseph, you silly brat.

I love that he makes goes out of his way to make me laugh. He hates when I'm upset and it's so awkward when people cry. I hate crying in front of him but he's so good to me about it. After that we talked about why I was really upset and then started talking about our massage place's new found venture into acupuncture. I just appreciate him so much. And I struggle sometimes and I wonder about our relationship and I'm frustrated by the lack of definitive boundaries and the up and down roller coaster ride but at the end of the day, I am so incredibly grateful for him and for what we have even if  I don't understand that. 

Gentle reminder.

"Life kicks you around sometimes. It scares you and it beats you up, but there's a day when you realize that you're not just a survivor, you're a warrior. You're tougher than anything life throws your way, and you are."
-Brooke Davis

You should be here.

You should be here, standing with your arm around me here.
Cutting up, cracking a cold beer, saying cheers, hey y'all it's sure been a good year.
It's one of those moments, that's got your name written all over it.
And you know that if I had just one wish it'd be that you didn't have to miss this.
You should be here.

Then you stand.

It's really hard sometimes because it's like my friends can tell something is up but they don't know what. I struggle listening to them sometimes because I'm hurting and I'm overwhelmed and I feel so disconnected from them. And I know I'm choosing that. I'm choosing for only D and J to know. I haven't really seen anyone and I barely talk to anyone unless they initiate a conversation or I'm purposely trying to ensure I'm not acting super odd to them. I am responding for the sake of not striking panic or curiosity not because I actually want to talk. I purposely avoid hanging out or make sure I'm scheduled to work so that I can say no. I saw B for the first time in like 5 weeks last week. It's super tough to be around anyone. I spent 3 days bawling to my mom, texting J while he was in China talking about it all and how much it sucks. And when I said thank you and apologized to him for my drunken ramblings he just told me he wasn't judging me, especially knowing what I was going through. I just feel lost. Helpless. I'm trying to be positive and stay busy and trust that I will get through this. I've been through so many things and this is just one more. Another lesson. I don't know how, I have absolutely no idea how I'll make it through this right now but I will be better, smarter, stronger after this. 

I'm really looking forward to D getting back so that I have someone else to hold me up, to remind me I'll be okay and make me laugh.