love is just love.

It's funny you know, reading through my blog some days. There's moments of these other boys and when I say moments I mean moments. There's a few posts about a boy that caught my eye for a day or two. And always it goes back to him. I can always write about him. I always have something to say.
I'm trying to make sense right now of how I feel about everything but I don't know how I feel. I'm sad. I'm not broken though and I'm not falling apart. I'm sure that day will come at some point, probably a few times. Right now, I'm just sad. I mean I miss the boy I used to love. I know that he's not the same person and that's what I'm coming to terms with right now. It's hard to come to terms with the things we know are good for us sometimes.
It's hard. Love is always hard. I don't believe in this "love can heal anything" or "love is enough" bologna. It's not. Love, alone is never enough. And the sooner you realize that, the sooner you can come to terms with it.
I am well aware of the fact that love is not enough. If it was, there would probably be a lot less divorces. Most divorces don't result from a lack of love but a lack of trust, commitment, understanding, compromise, etc. I think we are so blindsided by the idealized notion of love and what love is. Love isn't some here today gone tomorrow phenomenon. When you love someone, you love them. It is nothing more and nothing less.

I guess goodbye made us strong.

As bad as it was, as bad as it hurt, I thank God I didn't get what I thought that I deserved. Sometimes life leads you down a different road, when you're holding onto someone but you've gotta let go. Some day you'll see the reason why sometimes, yeah, sometimes there's good in goodbye.

We can't take it back now.

You know, a long time ago I tried to convince myself that one day it would be easier. One day it would be better. One day I would be able to not feel broken when he entered my mind. I tried to convince myself it was getting easier when I knew it wasn't. I tried to convince myself that one day I'd be okay.
I am okay. I'd be lying if I said he didn't cross my mind multiple times a day. Of course he does. He will always have a piece of me and he will always be a part of who I am now. I think that's just what six years of loving someone does to you.
I don't wish my love for him away, or for it to dwindle. I wish for it to change. I wish to love him like my best friend again and not my boyfriend/partner/lover. I wish to love him in a way that doesn't break my heart when I think of him and all that we've been through together.
I wish for him to find what makes him happy. To channel the person he is so he can grow to the person he has the potential to be. I wish for me to let him go and let him love and laugh and live.

I'm sorry I broke you.

Today I spent the day with his sister. I realized that he's not the boy I fell in love with anymore. I think I've known that for a long time but it was one of those things I just wasn't quite ready to face. I didn't want him to be someone else. I think right now he's fighting an internal battle between who he is and who he wants to be. And who he wants to be is winning.
I miss the boy I fell in love with, not the boy that pretends he doesn't love me. m

Every time.

"Don't ever put your happiness in someone else's hands. They'll drop it. They'll drop it every time."
-C. Barzak

I will always love you.

Never forget that you are loved.

Never doubt that you are loved. 

It's just so real.

I should have seen it coming. I mean I thought about it for a long time but I never had the balls to delete him. I guess I just always believed in us. I always believed one day we would work things out and it would be okay. I never thought it'd get here. I'm not mad. It's just really real. Six years. Done.
It's absolutely ridiculous that "deleting someone from facebook" makes things final in our day and age. It's pathetic actually. I mean I'm sitting here with tears streaming down my face once again about him. And I hate myself for it. I hate it because I told him to stop talking to me. This was my choice, he just finalized it because he knew I couldn't. I have tried so many times because I know how much pain our relationship has caused me. I know exactly how much I've hurt, exactly how much I've cried. I know everything about us. I still get reminded of him every single day.
I can't explain it. I have wanted some sort of finality for 3 years. I wanted him to tell me he hated me or do something that made me hate him or just end it. I know that he did this because he knows it's best and he knows I couldn't because he knows just how much I love him. I needed this finality so bad. I told him to do this, I told him not to contact me anymore. I should've known. It's real.

Fire and gasoline don't mix.

I'm not really sure how to react right now.

He deleted me from facebook.

R.

I met a boy last night that I have a [crush] on. I say [crush] because I mean we hung out for 6 hours let's not go picking out the wedding cake just yet. I don't know. It was so weird because he was so not my type. He isn't a jacked hockey player who is ridiculous and oblivious and immature. He doesn't have dark hair either.
He has these beautiful blue eyes and blonde hair and he's a nurse at the hospital and he's brilliant. He can have an intelligent conversation but still makes fun of people and is funny. He was kind to me. I am probably definitely over-analyzing but he made a few comments and did a few things that were just nice. When I was cold and we were outside he started rubbing my arms to warm me up. And when I put on my slippers after the bar to drive instead of my boots he told me it was adorable that I like to drive in sock feet. He also came back to MV's in my vehicle and when we got there he made sure he sat on the couch with me.
It's so ridiculous and childish and high school giddy but it just feels so nice when boys are nice to you. I cannot explain it to most people because I'm just not like other girls. I know 99.9 percent of girls say "I'm not like other girls" but I'm not. I'm not the girl that guys are attracted to, I'm the girl guys know they want on their side. The girl that will take care of them, be a mom sometimes, always be a friend, tell them the truth, defend them to the ground and have fun doing lame stuff most girls hate like watching hockey or drinking scotch.
I cannot explain that to my sister or my friends because they are always the girls guys like. My friends are always in relationships or seeing boys. It's funny because everyone relies on me for all their relationship advice and it's like look I've had the most fucked up poisonous relationship for the last 6 years, why the fuck do you want my opinion? I know the answer to that actually. It's 1) because I have literally fucked up my relationship in every way possible and 2) because I'm honest. I look at things from the most objective perspective possible when it pertains to other people and I try to really take into account all participating perspectives.
When it comes to myself I feel like I'm a combination of jaded and cynical and sometimes short-sighted. Or naive. When it comes to my own situations I sometimes miss things, but usually I know what I'm doing even if I know it's wrong.
I guess what I'm saying is sometimes it just feels nice to have boys who are nice to you.

I want you.

I need to find a boy. I want a boy that will cuddle with me to watch a movie at night. A boy who will hold me close. A boy who will respect that I can't give him my heart just yet but try to win it anyways. A boy who will be there just to talk about nothing. A boy that strives to make me smile every day.