"Clear your schedule this evening. The L's are coming to LethVegas".
This is seriously the greatest text I've gotten in so long. But it's also bad because I should not do anything but homework tonight because daddy is coming tomorrow (which I'm so unbelievabl excited for I haven't seen him in like 6 weeks!). I guess it's just going to be a late night tomorrow and a full day of powering through. I can't turn down D and J they barely ever come here and they are so fun. JL is honestly one of the funniest people I have ever met in my whole entire life.
Saturday, February 11, 2012
that bitch cray.
Sometimes I think to myself, "wow, I am one crazy bitch" and then I wonder if anyone else feels the same. We're all a little crazy right?
#figureitout.
Also, JS changed her bbm status to say, "Yaaa.... I have mature friends."
I'm sorry but bahahahahhahahaha. This girl is honestly one of THE most immature people I've ever met in my life. She lives in her own world of superficiality and thinks that the only thing that matter is partying and boys.
I'm sorry but bahahahahhahahaha. This girl is honestly one of THE most immature people I've ever met in my life. She lives in her own world of superficiality and thinks that the only thing that matter is partying and boys.
when did we stop believing.
Do you think as we get older we get stronger? Or smarter? Or more broken thus less naive? Or do we just become bitter? Cynical? Do we stop believing in fairytales and happy endings because we aren't children or do we stop believing because life's given us every reason not to believe? Are we giving up on that tiny spark of hope because we are smarter and experienced and strong enough to know that sometimes the things we desire most aren't necessarily what's best for our well-being? Or have we just given up striving for the things that are unlikely but keep us believing?
I don't know. I think this is all coming from my whole number twelve situation lately. I haven't spoken to him in about a month and it sucks because he was the center of my world for a long time and now we have nothing. That's not true, we have something; I will always love him and care for him and want the absolute best for him. But I can't help but wonder why when you care so much about someone you can't even be friends. I mean we always used to talk about how incredibly hard it would be for us to be just friends, but we decided the only thing worse than being in each others' lives would be to not be in each others' lives at all.
I have tried to explain this situation to so many people but so many people do not understand this. And I think that's what gets me. I don't see him and I's relationship as this unbelievable connection that no young adults have. That's just the reaction I get when I try explaining it to anyone. There are so many people that just look at me like, "you're seriously being ridiculous right now. Like he's just an ex-boyfriend. And YOU cheated on him". And I think that's just what kills me is that, yeah I did. But despite all that, I still get butterflies when I see/think/talk to him. And some people will say oh that's nothing, that's lust. And then I get friends that dated boys for just as long as I dated number twelve and they're like yeah I feel nothing when I see my ex. I don't hate him, but zero feelings come back. And I can't quite comprehend that. Maybe it's because that's the only relationship I really have to measure against.
And maybe I'm crazy. But maybe I'm not. My sister and T broke up 3 or 4 years ago. And to this day, she misses him. She texted me the other night when she saw him and we just talked about the fact that it's so hard knowing that that feeling might never go away. And that's the way I feel about number twelve. And I hate that I do because everyone I know is like we need to find you a new boy and you deserve someone that will make you so happy and blah blah. And I want someone that makes me happy and treats me well. I know that I see love and relationships in a fucked up way and I've tried to explain that to people but most people don't know my story, where I come from, what I've dealt with so they cannot understand despite how hard they try. The best way that I can explain it is that my parents got divorced when I was 2 years old; I don't remember what it's like to have my parents together, to see them love each other and be in a relationship. So think about how you'd view relationships if that was you.
I guess the point of this entire post is that it has seriously taken everything inside of my to not text number twelve basically every day this week. And I suppose I just wonder if it's because I'm trying to overcome my distorted view of relationships and the divine belief I have in true love? Or if I'm just growing up and becoming wiser trying to avoid something I know will bring pain? Or if I'm just becoming bitter and cynical with regards to men and love and people in general?
I don't know. I think this is all coming from my whole number twelve situation lately. I haven't spoken to him in about a month and it sucks because he was the center of my world for a long time and now we have nothing. That's not true, we have something; I will always love him and care for him and want the absolute best for him. But I can't help but wonder why when you care so much about someone you can't even be friends. I mean we always used to talk about how incredibly hard it would be for us to be just friends, but we decided the only thing worse than being in each others' lives would be to not be in each others' lives at all.
I have tried to explain this situation to so many people but so many people do not understand this. And I think that's what gets me. I don't see him and I's relationship as this unbelievable connection that no young adults have. That's just the reaction I get when I try explaining it to anyone. There are so many people that just look at me like, "you're seriously being ridiculous right now. Like he's just an ex-boyfriend. And YOU cheated on him". And I think that's just what kills me is that, yeah I did. But despite all that, I still get butterflies when I see/think/talk to him. And some people will say oh that's nothing, that's lust. And then I get friends that dated boys for just as long as I dated number twelve and they're like yeah I feel nothing when I see my ex. I don't hate him, but zero feelings come back. And I can't quite comprehend that. Maybe it's because that's the only relationship I really have to measure against.
And maybe I'm crazy. But maybe I'm not. My sister and T broke up 3 or 4 years ago. And to this day, she misses him. She texted me the other night when she saw him and we just talked about the fact that it's so hard knowing that that feeling might never go away. And that's the way I feel about number twelve. And I hate that I do because everyone I know is like we need to find you a new boy and you deserve someone that will make you so happy and blah blah. And I want someone that makes me happy and treats me well. I know that I see love and relationships in a fucked up way and I've tried to explain that to people but most people don't know my story, where I come from, what I've dealt with so they cannot understand despite how hard they try. The best way that I can explain it is that my parents got divorced when I was 2 years old; I don't remember what it's like to have my parents together, to see them love each other and be in a relationship. So think about how you'd view relationships if that was you.
I guess the point of this entire post is that it has seriously taken everything inside of my to not text number twelve basically every day this week. And I suppose I just wonder if it's because I'm trying to overcome my distorted view of relationships and the divine belief I have in true love? Or if I'm just growing up and becoming wiser trying to avoid something I know will bring pain? Or if I'm just becoming bitter and cynical with regards to men and love and people in general?
Friday, February 10, 2012
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
why do I do these things that I do to myself.
I made a fool of myself on Friday in front of a lot of people. Primarily DK but he'll get over it in a week or two. What I'm more upset about is RD. Not that we were anything, but now we won't be anything. And I honestly don't even know what I liked about him or why it mattered. It was just dumb bar hookups.
But I think that because this is the first boy I've given more than one chance and actually hung out with and enjoyed conversation and made a point to hang out with. I don't know. I just haven't given myself the opportunity to feel anything real since number twelve. And I'm still not sure I am ready to.
But for some reason I keep playing in my head the way I'd apologize again to RD and try and make it up to him. Explain that I was just being ridiculous and I got scared. I kind of told him I was afraid from the beginning because of how long I'd put this situation off for. I don't want to be with someone. But at the same time, I miss having someone there for me. What I miss most is talking about the silliest things. And I can't say that I don't miss number twelve or that I won't because I think that I always will but that doesn't mean I have to sit at home and wait for him either.
I just keep thinking that maybe there is something I could do, something I could say.
But I think that because this is the first boy I've given more than one chance and actually hung out with and enjoyed conversation and made a point to hang out with. I don't know. I just haven't given myself the opportunity to feel anything real since number twelve. And I'm still not sure I am ready to.
But for some reason I keep playing in my head the way I'd apologize again to RD and try and make it up to him. Explain that I was just being ridiculous and I got scared. I kind of told him I was afraid from the beginning because of how long I'd put this situation off for. I don't want to be with someone. But at the same time, I miss having someone there for me. What I miss most is talking about the silliest things. And I can't say that I don't miss number twelve or that I won't because I think that I always will but that doesn't mean I have to sit at home and wait for him either.
I just keep thinking that maybe there is something I could do, something I could say.
back when we were in love, do you remember
you promised you'd never break my heart,
never leave me in the dark,
said you'd love me for all time; but that was
back when you were mine.
never leave me in the dark,
said you'd love me for all time; but that was
back when you were mine.
sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead.
I hate to turn up out of the blue, uninvited
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it
I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded
That for me, it isn't over.
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it
I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded
That for me, it isn't over.
Monday, February 6, 2012
Sunday, February 5, 2012
I want to go grocery shopping with you.
So I'm actually doing really good in life minus the fact this day sucks balls and I want to die from hangover/lack of sleep/lack of healthiness in the last few days (is healthiness even a word?). Anyways JP and I went for lunch yesterday and had a good chat about things, especially boys. We talked about her and JL which is kind of sad because I really like him and he really, really loves her.
We also talked about number twelve and I kind of explained the situation with him and sofa king to her. We started talking about number twelve and how I'm not completely wrapped up in him like I used to be and how I'm doing well with everything but then she asked me a funny question that got me thinking. She asked me if when I see him do I still get butterflies. And I haven't seen him since November but I can tell you for sure that there were still butterflies and sparks and all the rest of it. And I started to wonder if that would ever go away. I mean that's not common. Most people don't have that kind of connection with someone, especially so early in life. And I'm not talking about the "we've been dating 2 weeks and are obviously now in love" high school bullshit because him and I never did that. We didn't say those words until we broke up 2 and a half years later.
I have been thinking about it more and more just kind of trying to understand it, or at least analyze the shit out of it because that's what I do. And I guess I can't explain it to anyone else so I don't know if it's even worth trying but I'm going to half attempt to explain where my thinking led me. I think that number twelve and I had such an adult relationship too young. I know how silly that seems and not in the sense that we were super mature because we weren't, we both did some very dumb, immature things. But at the same time, we didn't live near each other. We didn't do the 16 year old dinner and a movie dates or getting drunk in the movie theatre or anything like that. We lived real life together. We went grocery shopping and ran errands and baked and cooked and cleaned and studied and just anything we could to actually spend time together because it was just so limited. We lived our daily lives when we were in the same city as an old married couple would. We spent time with out families and just did lame things.
Anyways I don't know. I guess I was just wondering if that feeling I get in the pit of my stomach when I see him or talk to him is ever going to go away.
We also talked about number twelve and I kind of explained the situation with him and sofa king to her. We started talking about number twelve and how I'm not completely wrapped up in him like I used to be and how I'm doing well with everything but then she asked me a funny question that got me thinking. She asked me if when I see him do I still get butterflies. And I haven't seen him since November but I can tell you for sure that there were still butterflies and sparks and all the rest of it. And I started to wonder if that would ever go away. I mean that's not common. Most people don't have that kind of connection with someone, especially so early in life. And I'm not talking about the "we've been dating 2 weeks and are obviously now in love" high school bullshit because him and I never did that. We didn't say those words until we broke up 2 and a half years later.
I have been thinking about it more and more just kind of trying to understand it, or at least analyze the shit out of it because that's what I do. And I guess I can't explain it to anyone else so I don't know if it's even worth trying but I'm going to half attempt to explain where my thinking led me. I think that number twelve and I had such an adult relationship too young. I know how silly that seems and not in the sense that we were super mature because we weren't, we both did some very dumb, immature things. But at the same time, we didn't live near each other. We didn't do the 16 year old dinner and a movie dates or getting drunk in the movie theatre or anything like that. We lived real life together. We went grocery shopping and ran errands and baked and cooked and cleaned and studied and just anything we could to actually spend time together because it was just so limited. We lived our daily lives when we were in the same city as an old married couple would. We spent time with out families and just did lame things.
Anyways I don't know. I guess I was just wondering if that feeling I get in the pit of my stomach when I see him or talk to him is ever going to go away.
he tells me it's ugly but if you ask me,
It's a beautiful world,
Say what you will, but I still believe.
Say what you will, but I still believe.
yuck.
That word describes me, yuck. I hurt. Like everything about me hurts. I feel awful, I look awful, I want to crawl in bed and die. I have an assignment due at midnight though and I accomplished virtually nothing this weekend soo I have to do some homework. I got up at 6 to drive here for work at 11:30 and served the dumbest broad today. I wanted to punch her she was a c u next tuesday.
I had a hell of a weekend though. It was really fun. I got to spend some time with JP and S so that was really nice. JP and PD have kinda started hanging out and I actually would really like them as a couple so I hope it works out because I don't want it to be awkward ever because they are like two of my best friends. PD is my best guy friend so that would be sucky. We'll see I guess, but they're cute.
I had a hell of a weekend though. It was really fun. I got to spend some time with JP and S so that was really nice. JP and PD have kinda started hanging out and I actually would really like them as a couple so I hope it works out because I don't want it to be awkward ever because they are like two of my best friends. PD is my best guy friend so that would be sucky. We'll see I guess, but they're cute.
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