records and jukeboxes.

i'd love to just jump on an airplane with a one-way ticket to la. i've dreamed of working in the music industry. i know i said i'd love to work in fashion and i think it'd be neat but music is different. music makes my believe. i don't want to sing or be in a band, as cool as it would be to be a recording artist. i want to find the talent and write the lyrics that will make a difference in someone's life. i want to be a part of the song that saves a life, that makes someone push to go on when it feels like they should give up, i want to make someone believe that it gets better, that they're not alone. i want to be a part of the music that changes a life, like all of the songs that have changed mine.

i bet you won't believe this.

i actually really like fashion. shocking as it may be. i don't dress the way i'd like to partly because well, i'm from rd and when i wear a sweatervest and polo to something not considered 'a formal event' i get looked at like i'm a crazy person. that's the thing about rd, if you have any fashion sense whatsoever, you're either "one of those girls" (ie. you are presumed as a weirdo when really you just actually know what fashion is) or you're extremely overdressed. for a while i wanted to be a fashion designer, i drew up sketches and wanted to design clothes that fit bodies that weren't a size 00 or a size 24. clothes that fit people with 'normal' bodies, bodies with imperfections. clothes that emphasize the imperfections that somebody loves about us. the girls who don't look good in half the clothes on the shelf because their body has curves in unexpected places. i'd love to do that. however, i rarely try to dress the way i want. the things i like, because they don't look good on me. oh well, what can you do.

i think i stayed up later when i was 10.

honestly, i'm so beat. i'm the lamest person ever. i should be doing homework, instead i'm going to end up relaxing for like a half hour... then passing out.

cruel joke.

it's not even 9 o'clock. are you freaking kidding me?? i thought it was like midnight. fml.

cynnical.

maybe i don't want to be the glue that holds you all together?
how about since you are both grown adults you grow up and have a mature conversation with each other?? it sounds difficult i know but perhaps not throwing an eighteen year old in to solve all of your problems would be a fun idea?

glue.

i forgot to mention the other day that i was yelled at because i am always in the middle. since i get along pretty well with most people, i somehow always manage to be the mediator. and my oldest sister said it to me again the other day and i almost lost my mind. 'you might just have to be the mediator between mom and i and you can discuss it all with both of us and explain the other's perspective'. my response was simply, 'because that's a shocking first' or i've never done that before or something rather hostile towards the situation.

my brain hurts.

i've had an alright day. lots of cleaning and some homework. i did some stuff for next year so it feels like i've done more homework than i have. i should probably get back to it... i really hate finding sources. just in case you were wondering. it's really a pain in my ass because i hate reading like 90000 papers to find a few points and somehow incorporate them into my essays. right now, the 50% of my mark midterm is feeling like a pretty good call on the dilf, british, well-dressed professor's part.

will i even accomplish anything at home?

what's more important: a few years away from family and friends with a solid, good, expensive education; or an economically smart, at home with fam and friends, debateably sub-par education?

please continue to pull me in every direction.

i'm really torn right now. i just applied to university for next year, uofc and uofl and right as i was about to apply to rdc i stopped myself. i studdered. i am afraid to go home and fall back into what living there all the time was like. i wasn't happy and i never did anything for myself. it's not like i am going home for the education. i'd be going home for my family and friends and because it's economically the smartest choice. do i submit my application for rdc?

political science and history.

homework, here i come.

butterflies.

can you build a relationship if there are no butterflies?
or should you just move on to someone else?

words i couldn't say.

so number 12 visited me saturday afternoon. we spent the afternoon/evening ish shopping with baby, b and c at that new mall just outside of calg. it was pretty cool, COACH store on the way =). then number 12 and i made supper for them and we watched some march madness. number 12 and i were in bed by like 1130 haha sweet university students eh? whatever it was nice. then yesterday we spent literally the whole day just hanging out, watching basketball, doing homework, etc. then he bought me supper, but he knew that i really wanted to watch the duke game so instead of making me shower and miss the game, he just picked it up. somehow, he decided to stay last night too, and go home early this morning, which was kind of nice. i don't really know how to explain that situation. it's really quite messed up. i love hanging out with him and we have lots of fun and talk about everything. there's just one thing missing.

friday.

gongshow. (period)

champ.

okay so i was just checking out the old nex. s, you have like almost 600 pages of posts. that is so champ.