Simplicity.

It's funny because open honest communication usually clears a lot up. 

That was nice.

I warned him that I was a damn mess and that I would probably cry when I told him. As I sat there fighting back tears he said to me, "I want to cry for you. I can only imagine how you feel". 

Gratitude.

Tonight I finally told him. It's funny how something as simple as being honest with someone you care about can remove so much weight off your shoulders. He was so much better than I expected him to be. 

Self-destruct

Gratitude.

Today is a good day. I'm so grateful for D. He gave me a really strong dose of perspective today. He has been so good that way. He reminded me how lucky I am, truly. He told me to think about how much worse things could have been and to be grateful. He basically said, man up and deal with it. Not in an insensitive way just in a dose of reality type way. He often puts me in my place and then makes efforts to make me laugh. Tears were streaming down my face today and I was laughing concurrently. I'm grateful for his support. His hard to take honesty and his ability to make anything a joking matter. I don't honestly know where I would be without him in this. 

Isn't there always one more round?

You become a champion by fighting one more round. When things are tough, you fight one more round.
-James C. Corbett

Exhausted.

Why do I work so hard to be strong all the time? What difference does it make? When I'm strong, I have to do everything alone. If I were weak, maybe someone would help me. Maybe that's the problem. I'm too strong all the time. I'm not in actuality, I'm stubborn more than strong. And I'm proud. I hate to admit that I might need help. Or that I make mistakes. I hate to admit that I can't do it alone. I don't like relying on other people because if something doesn't work, I can't blame it on anyone else. If I fuck up, I fuck up. It's all on me. I am just so damn tired of being strong. 

Truth.

I'm really hurt by the fact that I blatantly told him I'm not okay, I need him and he's made zero effort to see me. 

Fragile.

It's funny because the whole outside world existing around me has absolutely no idea that I'm more fragile than a house built of straw on a windy day. I'm on the verge of breaking at any second and no one knows. My friends are all coming to me with their problems as usual and I don't know how to tell them that I don't have the energy or the strength to help them. I don't know how to tell them that I have to much weighing on my own mind to be able to assist them.