She'll make her mind up just to change it.

I was going to continue to talk about relationships two posts back but I figured I'd start a fresh one in an attempt to clarify my thoughts a bit.
Everyone I know is in a relationship or blissfully sleeping around. I honestly have zero problem with either, but I'm just not really there either way. I'll start with relationships. It's pretty obvious that I'm not in a place to be in a relationship. I miss 12 every single day. It is unfair to get into a relationship with someone when you cannot give them all of your heart. I don't know when I will be ready, when I will have fully dealt with all of the emotions from my situation with 12.
I am so happy for all of those people who are in happy relationships, I truly am. But sometimes it sucks because I would really have no problem being home right now if 12 or some other incredible man were laying next to me in bed.
I'm not one of these people. I'm not the type of person that gets sad and lonely and needs a boy. I know how stupid that sounds but it's true. I like being alone a large portion of the time. But my sister is going to be getting engaged soon and my other sister is married. My sister's 3 best friends who were also single for a long time have all found some great partners.
The half of my friends that aren't in relationships are perfectly enjoying banging dudes and having fun. And you know what, I honestly envy them a bit. I wish it was that easy for me to just hang out with a dude and have fun and whatever.
It's not who I am. I tried that. I hated the person I was. I was trying to numb my pain. I was trying to hurt 12. I was a terrible shell of a person and I was destructive and I had no respect for myself.
That's why it's tough for me. All of my friends can just hook up with dudes and it's nothing to them. And it doesn't bother me that they do that, it bothers me that I can't.
When it comes to men, I'm awkward and nervous and uncomfortable. I am just not the beautiful, glamorous girl who can just meet guys and they instantly fall in love with her. I meet guys and they instantly friend zone me because I watch sports and I wear my hair in a ponytail and I go to the gym. I care about fitness and health and my education. I'm in a tough place because I want to settle down and get moving forward with my life and have a real job and a real man but I'm not entirely ready for this.
My head is ready to be an adult.
My heart is not ready. My heart still loves number 12. And the problem is that my head know that my heart loves number 12. And my head knows that it will be at least another year before he's even close to coming home, if he ever comes home. So I'm stuck here. I don't know what to do or how to move forward.

Fight the tears back.

"Babe, did you know that on Saturday nights they have the best movies on TV?"

It takes something as simple as scrolling through channels on TV for my heart to ache.

Disappointed

All of the people I know in cowtown go home every weekend. It's really frustrating for me to go from my social life in leth in the fall to this now. I think that's part of why I'm looking forward to the restaurant. I want to meet people my age that want to do fun stuff and meet new people. Teaching is tough to meet new people especially because few teachers who are young teach junior high. There's a few that are teaching elementary that are younger but everyone in my end of the school is at least 30-35 years old and lots are over 40. It's not that I have any problem with them, we are just at very different points in our life.
I was already disappointed today because mom was supposed to come here today. Then TK was supposed to stop on her was back to leth and didn't. I just feel lonely like I have zero friends. It's tough because I was so happy with my friends in leth and then I moved here. It's hard because I love calg as a city but I love my friends in leth and my family in rd.
I really wanted to go out tonight because I just feel alone and lonely and pathetic. I couldn't go home today because I have to go to church tomorrow morning to get a stupid letter signed.
Red wanted me to go out and meet them tonight and I would have loved that if they went to a pub or something first but I didn't want to go to the bar alone.
ZG half ass invited me out then never texted me back.
I was disappointed because DVZ was here last night and never even mentioned it.
I feel like all of my friends have all these new friends or jobs or boyfriends and I just feel stuck. I feel so uneasy because my life is so uncertain. I don't want to live with my dad anymore, I'm 22 years old. I want to live where I can do whatever the fuck I want whenever the fuck I want, including bringing a dude home to bang if I see fit.
I feel like everyone I know is in relationships too and it's awful to be the single girl when everyone else is a couple.

A little bit lonely.

I don't usually feel lonely, but today I am feeling extremely lonely.

Confidence booster.

Tonight B told me that TH and CH think BR wants to bang haha. I thought it was kind of funny because BR is just one of those guys every girl loves. I don't know if I could handle that.
Also I told BR I had a dream about him and R the other night haha he's like let's do this ;)
And CH said he wants to also bang me which was a nice confidence boost considering he used to be an abercrombie model and is tall snd sexy as fuck and treats my nephew like goooolllddd.

And you let her go.

You only need the light when it's burning low, only miss the sun when it starts to snow, only know you love her when you let her go.
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low, only hate the road when you're missing home, only know you love her when you let it go.

1600 kilometers

Come home, please.

To send or not to send.

I know this is unfair to you and I'm sorry for that. It's selfish, I know. But I need you to tell me it's going to be okay. I need to know she will be okay. I need to know that I will be okay. I need you.

Your love keeps me going.

I am sitting here bawling, face in my hands crying. I don't know what to do. I am trying to keep my tears quiet so dad doesn't notice. She has to be okay. I just don't have the strength to lose someone else, especially her.

I need you now.

I need him right now. It is taking everything inside of me to send him a message and tell him. I need him to tell me it will be okay. He is the only one who can really make me believe that it will be okay.

I need her to be okay.

Silly heart, memories suck.

Every time I hear his name I cringe a little and my heart drops at the same time. Every time I see my hat that he wore for 3 years, my stomach drops. It doesn't matter what I do because everywhere I look, I'm reminded of him.

All the numbers that beat within my heart

1×12
2 x 6
3 x 4
4 + 8
5 + 7
6 + 6
9 + 3
10 + 2
11 + 1

Universoul Mind.

"Detoxifying your body is not just limited to eating cleaner. Junk thoughts are the equivalent to junk food - and you are what you eat. Thoughts of anxiety, resentment, insecurity, or any kind of the mental ‘weight’ you’ve carried in your gut far too long affect pretty much every fiber, every cell of your being. These effects can be psychosomatic, where physical illness is caused by mental or emotional problems. It is also called the nocebo effect, the evil twin of the placebo effect, which I’m sure most of you are familiar with. Some of these negative thoughts and emotional harboring will have tobe processed and digested - and shitted out. And feasting on thoughts of joy, acceptance, gratefulness, and honesty, will lead you to be more energetic due to their ‘nutritious’ properties. Most say a healthy body leads to a healthy mind, but I can tell you this much, it goes both ways if you are seeking balance and complete harmony of the mental/physical. Remember, the body is the instrument and your mind is the composer. " 

via http://universoul.tumblr.com/ 

So unbelievably true.

The only one who matters.

I try to distract myself by talking about people like the trainer at the gym or BH or CH or anybody else I can distract myself with for a day or two. I'm sure I annoy my friends and sister and you. But I do it because I need a break from the fact thay every second of every day my heart longs for him.