not awkward?

Sooo today I went to the library and was not productive in the least. I had a hilarious time laughing at the people at the table beside me. They were discussing body building and swinging and how common it is for body builders to be swingers... news to me?
hahaha Anyways, I had a nice little chat (well texting chat) with RD last night/today and I think we're all good now so it should be chill when I see him I hope.

hahahaha.

"Dear guys in cargo shorts,
Indeed, they can hold everything... except a conversation with a girl.
Just trying to be helpful,
Vanessa."

kummoniwanalaya.

Last night my daddy came from Calgary and we went for dinner and it was actually really good. We also had a delicious bottle of wine and he brought me flowers and it was just really nice.
I came home, had a glass of win and watched the end of The Hangover with K and then I crawled in my bed at like 10:30 and turned on Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone, alone. Haha I didn't even make it to the sorting hat part before I fell asleep. Oh well, I was tired and needed the sleep I guess.
Today I'm gonna go to the library right away then likely go to the gym. Tonight is kummoniwanalaya. It's a hawaiian party at the university and I personally think the name is clever and hilarious. Before it though the boys are having 'a rager' in their terminology at their house beforehand. I'll probably go there and see how the night goes.. Maybe kummoniwanalaya but we'll see. As of this moment I feel like sobriety is the best chocie for tonight but who knows how it will all end.

no regrets.

every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
and everyday I wondered how I'd get through the night,
every change, life has thrown me,
I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,
I'm grateful, for every scar,
some pages turned, some bridges burned,
but there were lessons learned.

love love love.

Also, my daddy is coming here today for birthday dinner. I'm really quite excited to see him and have a  nice little chat. I love dates with daddy. They're the best kind of dates anyways.

studio thursdays.

Last night I got drunk. Haha shocker right. I've actually been drinking lately but 've been having a LOT of fun for a change. I still go to the library every day and work hard at school and I'm sure I'll be skipping studio nights in like 2 weeks but for now, while my load is still light enough, I've been enjoying it. Last night I was the perfect drunk. I generally hate dancing because I'm never drunk enough so I get too drunk. But there was like all of us just dancing and living it up last night and it was just good old fun. I left before everyone else because I knew if I stayed too long I'd end up getting too drunk or not having fun etc. Plus I promised TK that I'd drink wine with her afterwards haha. So she picked me up and we went and drank wine and it was lovely.
JVN is coming to get me soon to go to school though so I better go get ready.
later gator.

history of homicide.

So I'm taking this class called history of homicide. And it's soooo interesting. It's going to be a lot of work because like this week alone I had 15 pages of notes and two cases to read and part of the criminal code dealing with death and homocide, etc. I suppose if I read it not at the last minute it won't be bad but at least what I'm reading (though extremely confusing) is incredibly fascinating. I'm actually like enjoying it minus trying to understand what the sections of the criminal code all mean.
I think taking this class was wise because it will give me some foresight into what the 3 years of my law degree will be like if I choose to do that. Anyways I need to go finish reading this so I can go study for tomorrow and go to the gym. Wish me luck!

shouldn't you be used to this by now?

Dear RD,
I'm pretty sure you sleep with broads all the time... do you always make it this awkward? I feel like you should be less worried about this and chill out. I'm over it. It's not a big deal and you're making it one... let's just chill and be fun again alright?

Sincerely,
B.

I shall believe.

Please say, honestly you won't give up on me.

they are not you.

I think I'd be open to trying to date another boy. I'm not sure it'd go far because I don't have my heart back yet but I'd be open to trying something new. Meeting new friends, a new boy, finding someone that will appreciate me for who I am and who I want to be. Not judge me for what I've done and who I used to be.
I hung out with the basketball boys and it was fun, I had a blast. i kinda blew it the next night though and now it's just kinda awkward. I guess I'm just not sure what I want. I just want to try something new. Go on a new adventure.

lonliness.

I'm a firm believer in the saying,
"being alone isn't the same as being lonely".
Most of the time, I'm just alone.

lonely.

And yet another lonely night I sit here all alone with tears rolling down my cheeks just hoping to find something, someone, some reason to push on. And I read blogs to try and find someone that feels the same way. That carries a broken heart around knowing that there's nothing you can do yet wouldn't trade it for the world.
S talks about knowing that you're alive when you feel that. And I know I'm alive. Number twelve used to always tell me that after hockey. Whenever he was hurt or sore or anything and didn't want to admit it, I'd ask him what hurt and he's say nothing I'm just alive. I guess that's it though, this horrific stab me repeatedly pain is just a way to remind myself that I'm alive. She talks about how he has made her who she is, he's taught her how to be. And she's right.
He has taught me so much about life, myself, families, friends, relationships. He has taught me so much that I can't even explain it. I guess I'm probably over thinking this because of Sunday. In my dreams he sends me flowers and shows up right after I close the door from receiving them. I know it sounds silly but I'd just love to have something incredibly romantic happen just once. I'm so naive.
I think the hardest part is that I know we're not ready to be together. I know that this is what's best for us, that we need space and that we need to live our own lives for awhile and figure out what we really want. He needs to get past what happened and I  need him to start treating me like a friend before we can ever get anywhere. And we're not there yet.
It's just hard you know? Waking up from the best dream and rolling over to find that I'm alone. That it was just a dream and everything is exactly the way it was when I fell asleep the night before. I'm going to keep going to bed lonely and keep waking up lonely.

Am I the only one who's noticed, I can't be the only one who's learned.

I don't wanna be anything other that what I've been trying to be lately. All I have to do is think of me and I have peace of mind. I'm tired of looking 'round rooms wondering what I've got to do or who I'm supposed to be. I don't wanna be anything other than me.

red wine and a broken heart.

whyyyyyy am I so sad? I swear it's when I don't go to the gym. When I go to the gym it's like I have enough endorphins to counterract it or I feel good because dudes check out every girl at the gym or I'm working on improving myself you know? But like really I just had such a long day and I was tired and now I'm just plain sad. I just miss the kid. And the worst part is that I know it's not right yet I'd give up everything, to be in his arms. I'd relive all the pain of the last three years, the last year in particular for one night in his arms. I mean how fucked up is that. I was a mess all of last year because of him and me and our relationship. And as happy as I've been, I'd be willing to feel it all again for a few hours of perfection.

it's always been your song.

I can go where I wanna go,
do what I wanna do,
be who I wanna be, but baby,
you still own me.

you still own me.

I went for ice cream and had wine and I'm still sad.

sucky sucky.

I had a long day. I was up at like 7:30 and I made chili for tonight and I made my lunch etc. Then I went to school and had class all day... came home, did homework, had supper and some I'm sitting here having a glass of wine.
I'm actually really sad right now. I'm missing number twelve really bad right now. It's hard because everyone is in relationships and I just miss being in his arms. I miss talking and his chest/arms/etc. I just want to not be sad and not miss him.. I hateee this.

it's never enough.

Enough. Not being enough. Not smart enough. Not pretty enough. Not talented enough. Not enough.
That has always been my biggest fear, not being enough. And I've gone through some experiences that have made me feel like I'm not enough, like I'll never be enough. And anytime that anyone has ever made me feel like I'm enough, I've fallen into their trap. It's why I cheated on number twelve, because sofa king made me feel like I was enough. Like I was more than enough. And after everything with sunshine and number twelve, I just wanted to be enough.
I've never been the girl that boys like or have a crush on. I've never been 'that girl'. And my sister always has. I guess that made it worse because I felt like I would never be as good as her, as pretty as her, as fun as her, as smart as her, as sexual as her. I would just never measure up to her. I think that's why I did what I did the other night. Because I was enough for someone else, even if just for one night.
All I've ever wanted is to just be enough. I want him to tell me I'm enough. I want to be enough for him.

enough?

I'm sitting in my bed a bit giddy over a) some of the reaaaallllyyy brutal jokes my roommate told me b) the funniest conversation about/with his ex that just occurred and c) my really good day.
I thought about number twelve a lot today but I'm doing pretty good with it. I miss him and I love him but I'm genuinely at a spot where it's not right. And I know I've said that before, but it's not right. He's not ready to treat me with the respect I deserve and I'm not the type of girl to date a boy that treats her like shit.
I also saw RD today hahahaha. And it was surprisingly awkward. I guess I understand why it's kind of awkward but I just like don't care. I don't think about it in an awkward way or really at all. It's not a big deal to me. I know that's really out of character for me but I think I just needed to have something to push me to move on. I needed to realize that there are other boys out there capable of being attracted to me, of liking me, of wanting to be with me.
Anyways I'm gonna go to bed now I think because I have class at 9:25 and I have a lot to do in the morning before school. Plus I'd like to end my day on a goood note. Gooooood night.

life is short.

Life is short,
yeah too short to be a bad person.

great day.

Also my daddy found my ipod and my sunglasses which is like the greatest news ever. Wheeuuu!

it's like I know where I need to be but I can't figure it out.

hey now, this is my desire
consume me like a fire, 'cause I just want something beautiful
to touch me, I know that I'm in reach
'cause I am down on my knees
I'm waiting for something beautiful.

it's a great day to be alive.

I had such a good day today. I got up had some time to relax.. eventually went to the school, studied for a bit in the library. Then I went to ed2500 and I'm actually really excited about it. I still don't know if it's what I want to do with my life but I feel like it will give me a good idea and it will be fun either way.
S also text me about possibly coming here this weekend and I personally think rookie party would be hilarious... but then again I'm not dating a rookie. I've only ever particpated in soccer rookie parties (don't underestimate them; my sister is a crazy vet hahahaha) but I guess boys are a bit different.
Anyways I'm gonna eat and then go do some more homework and go to the gym.
Later gators.

one day we'll figure out what all this was for.

Last night I tried to sleep at like 10 and then I finally fell asleep around 11 but I had some interesting dreams/ got a text at like 2:30 am. So I ended up talking to LG for like an hour and a half. I guess her and PS broke up because there was some drunken incided that I'm not exactly sure what happened but basically he's being an immature 18 year old boy and she's just not okay being treated like that.
I understand where she's coming from but some of the things she said/ CW said are really hard for me to agree with. So I'd either keep my mouth shut or kindly explain another perspective. For example, she said it bothers her that he's so different around certain groups of people and when he was in highschool, etc. that he tries so hard to fit in and be like those people. And I tried to explain to her that not everyone knows who they are at 18 years old. I didn't. I still doubt myself some days. But LG has trouble understanding that because she has always and will always be who she is, no questions asked, no apologies and no excuses. And I find that incredibly intimidating.
It's been recognized that virgos are hard to understand because we are so malleable. We change and form based on who we're with and what we're doing because we focus all of our attention on everybody else and very little on ourselves. It's easier to criticize or praise everyone else than to accept our own faults or merits. I guess that's why I got so wrapped up in some of the messes I have. Because I never really take the time for myself to ensure I am happy and  comfortable in who I am.
I guess we're all just trying to find ourselves. You know? None of us know how it's all going to turn out. None of us know if who we are is going to be enough. Or if someone else will measure up.
I don't even know where I'm going with this anymore.

dscott.

It's a strange world when the least important thing is doing  well and the most important thing is hanging on.

there's gotta be something more

there's gotta be something more,
gotta be more than this
I need a little less hard times
I need a little more bliss
I'm gonna take my chances
taking a chance I might find what I'm looking for...

studio 54

Oh and just to top off my night... I am going to get drunk again tonight. It`s the first studio of the year.. better be a good one.


FYI: this was supposed to post on thursday night. I am notttt getting drunk on a sunday night