lonely.

And yet another lonely night I sit here all alone with tears rolling down my cheeks just hoping to find something, someone, some reason to push on. And I read blogs to try and find someone that feels the same way. That carries a broken heart around knowing that there's nothing you can do yet wouldn't trade it for the world.
S talks about knowing that you're alive when you feel that. And I know I'm alive. Number twelve used to always tell me that after hockey. Whenever he was hurt or sore or anything and didn't want to admit it, I'd ask him what hurt and he's say nothing I'm just alive. I guess that's it though, this horrific stab me repeatedly pain is just a way to remind myself that I'm alive. She talks about how he has made her who she is, he's taught her how to be. And she's right.
He has taught me so much about life, myself, families, friends, relationships. He has taught me so much that I can't even explain it. I guess I'm probably over thinking this because of Sunday. In my dreams he sends me flowers and shows up right after I close the door from receiving them. I know it sounds silly but I'd just love to have something incredibly romantic happen just once. I'm so naive.
I think the hardest part is that I know we're not ready to be together. I know that this is what's best for us, that we need space and that we need to live our own lives for awhile and figure out what we really want. He needs to get past what happened and I  need him to start treating me like a friend before we can ever get anywhere. And we're not there yet.
It's just hard you know? Waking up from the best dream and rolling over to find that I'm alone. That it was just a dream and everything is exactly the way it was when I fell asleep the night before. I'm going to keep going to bed lonely and keep waking up lonely.