crazy, stupid love.

This movie makes me so sad. It makes me feel so brutal because I just hate the discussion of soul mates in it. I don't even know if I believe in soul mates. But I hate how much they talk about fighting for the person you love over and over until you can't fight anymore. And I feel like I did that, so where's my happy ending?

yes, please.

adversity.

"Adversity is like a strong wind. It tears from us all but the things that cannot be torn so that we see ourselves as we really are."
-Arthur Golden.

best future wife.

I'm so brilliant. Like actually though. I am going to be the best wife in the whole world. Here's what I did today... I went to the gym, went to the store, came home and cleaned and did laundry then I made four different banana breads then I made supper and have been studying and watching movies and drinking wine hahahahahhahaa. I know perfect wife right?
I just need to find a husband that will make tons of money and has a smokin' hot bod. Well and hopefully he dresses well, is relatively nice and can make me laugh.
I have a distorted view of my future, I know that. I see a fairy tale ending that's highly unrealistic. And at 20, I think I'm okay with that. I am watching crazy stupid love and I just want some incredibly gorgeous Ryan Gosling who is cocky as fuck and dresses amazing and is ripped to shit and has a good heart deep down.

I told you that I was happy for you, and given the chance I'd lie again.

Just to see you smile, I'd do anything that you wanted me to.
When all is said and done, I'd never count the cost,
it's worth all that's lost;
just to see you smile.

lame.

Soooo I have been up for like 45 minutes and I had some breakfast and I'm going to digest it and do a bit of homework and then I'll go to the gym. I'm pretty stoked because I haven't gone in two days. I needed a break. Thursday I had class from 9:25-6 with a one hour break and then I tutored until 7. When I got home I was sooo tired. I actually had pizza that night I was soooo tired hahahaha.
Then yesterday I slept until almost 12. wtf is wrong with me. I'm always up before 10, like ALWAYS. I usually am up by 7:30-8 at the latest. And it was crazy. Then I just relaxed for like two hours hahaha then I showered and worked from 3-9. Then I came home, had supper and just relaxed. Watched Mystic Pizza, had some popcorn and studied for my neuroscience midterm.

Samuel's Gorge.

I tried a new kind of wine tonight. Well, a few actually. At work I tried two and they were both nasty. One was Bitch and it was a grenache. And the other was a shiraz but it was disgusting.
Then I bought one home and it is a shiraz by Samuel's Gorge and it is seriously incredible. Everyone I work with says it's just so incredible and so I bought it. And I opened it and I was terrified because it didn't smell overly great and it has licorice in it. And I hate licorice sooo I was grossed out. Then I tried it and it's actually really delicious. I'm pretty happy with it.

Remembrance Day

I'm so grateful for all of those that died for our freedom. I think it's so important to remember the people that fought for us and the brutality they lived. The worst part is that this is still going on, we are still using war as a way to solve issues. And in case history hasn't taught us yet, it's not working. So today, more than any other day, ,we remember those that fought for us. I thank my grandparents, may their souls rest in piece and all the others that fought for or were affected by the deaths of the war. We remember you.

In Flanders fields the poppies blow
Between the crosses, row on row,
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.

We are the Dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved and were loved, and now we lie
In Flanders fields.

Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders fields.

-John McCrae 1915

Lest We Forget.

realizations.

I guess it doesn't matter who you are, relationships are complicated. LG and I have been friends for like 9 years now. And despite the fights we've had, we both know the other is always there, especially me being there. But lately we haven't been close at all. Her and her boyfriend got back together and I didn't even know about it. Well, I knew but not because she told me. She won't talk to be about it because I tell her the truth about what I think. I mean if I thought NB needed to rethink her relationship with CK I'd tell her, and I have. If I thought C was a major dick and treated S like shit, I'd tell her. I know that my opinion can be overbearing sometimes, but my opinion is honest and it is straightforward. I mean in some cases I tone it down but at the end of the day, I refuse to watch my friends get hurt without warning them of what I see coming. If they choose to continue on that path, that is their perogative and I will be there to support them but if I can make it just a little bit easier then that's what matters to me. And it's because I would rather my friends tell me their honest opinion and then let me make my own mistakes with their support in mind.
LG and PS broke up for a valid reason. He abused her more than once. And I don't want to upplay it like he beat her or anything but he did overexert physical force on more than one occasion and not in like a rough sex kind of way. And when they broke up, she was a mess. Her head was pretty screwed up but she made some choices. She chose to makeout with CK, his best friend. Poor choice maybe, but it happened and maybe it needed too. And now somehow, LG and PS are back together and he is mad at her for kissing his best friend while they weren't dating but she's completely okay with the way he treated her.
I don't know it just doesn't seem right to me. She won't talk to me about it because she knows that I don't approve of it. And I don't agree with it and I don't support her decision to be with him but I support her. It's not my relationship, so I just have to respect her decision and be there to pick up the pieces, and I will be. I understand why she doensn't talk to me about it, because it upsets me. As I think it would upset any normal person that has dealt with anything similar. I mean I am the only person who knows NC was repeatedly abused by her ex-boyfriend and it is a big pill to swallow.
I guess it just kind of reiterates things for me. LG will always choose something over me. And she will always come back to me, because I let her. And I think I'm okay with that. I don't confide in her the way she confides in me and I never will. But I understand what it's like to be with someone even when you know it's not necessarily best for you but you love them. And some days, the feeling of comfort or for me safety in his arms, was enough to put up with the rest of the garbage in our relationship just to feel that for a short time. I mean he's her first love, I get it. And we all want our first true love to be our last.
I suppose it's just another thing for me to remember why I keep her where I do. It's why I keep my world arm's reach away. And it's why I am the way I am in a lot of ways. I don't believe in the best of people as much as I wish I did. I want to believe in the best, but I rarely do.

I'm captivated by you baby like a fireworks show.

the way you move is like a full-on rainstorm,
and I'm a house of cards.

you're the kind of reckless that should send me running, but I kinda know that I won't get far.

you stood there in front of me, just close enough to touch,
close enough to hope you couldn't see what I was thinking of.

my mind forgets to remind me, you're a bad idea.

I see sparks fly whenever you smile.

the jury's out, but my choice is you.

and nobody knows that all I want is you.

remind me.

I have the house to myself all weekend. K went home, and I have to work and I have two midterms next week. I like it most of the time, being alone. But every once in awhile it'd be nice for someone to be here. I try to pretend I'm all strong and tough about everything that went on with number twelve. And I mean I really am doing pretty well. I'm a whole lot better than I was, and most of the time, I'm okay.
But there are days I'm not. And there are things that make me sad. I mean, I'm independent and I'm not entirely sure I want a boy. I mean I was talking to my cousin today and she's like oh hey how's the love life and I was like non-existent. And she's like oh no! Why? And I really had to think about it. I mean honestly, I'm not the girl that boys like, I'm the best friend. But at the same time, I know I don't give off the "I am an easy fuck" or "I want a boyfriend" kind of vibes because I'm not a slut and I don't really want a boyfriend. I'm not needy like that, and K puts up with my neediness hahaha. But seriously.
I thought about it and to be honest, I'm not sure where I'm at about number twelve. I don't think I'd be able to open my heart. It doesn't help that K has exacerbated my trust and commitment issues either. But at the end of the day, I just don't think I'm ready. I have crushes. But I don't act on any of them. I mean yeah, I'd love to have someone to talk to all day every day and I'd love to have someone to come home to at night just to be there with me. But I don't need a boy to get me through my day. I don't need a boy to feel worth or to be happy.
I guess the most frustrating part of that for me is that I have so many friends in relationships that don't understand that. They always have a boy around and they don't know how else to be. They cannot comprehend that I don't desire that. I don't know.
I'm afraid that my independence intimidates men. I mean, if you knew a girl who didn't need you, why would you want to date her? What would you bring to the relationship? I don't see it that way, but most guys do. As I've said before, no, I don't need a boy to take care of me; I want a boy to take care of me. And that's a big difference.

you and tequila make me crazy.

One is one too many;
one more is never enough.

inspire.

Don't you just find ballet inspiring. I don't know, maybe it's just me. I just find the beauty of a ballerina inspiring. They epitomize poise and elegance. They have a sort of enchantment about them I think. They have to portray a certain image of perfection that I find refreshing. It's something about being a dancer that I like. A beauty that inspires me because of the incredible amount of hard work that ballerinas must put in to radiate that beauty.

ballet.

soft.

"I am what I am. My passion is lacrosse and I will do whatever it takes to be the best I can be".
-DK's twitter description in 140 characters or less

We always beak each other about tender things hahaha. I also edited the spelling and grammar in it.

one year.

So today is exactly one year since I got assaulted. I honestly didn't even think about it until my sister told me that sofaking and his gf came into Moxies tonight. It kinda threw me off a bit. I guess just every once in awhile it bothers me. I mean it's a pretty serious thing and I've just basically come to the acceptance that I'm never going to get the closure I desire.
I mean I felt good talking to K about it tonight because he was like seriously, I'd really like to knock that fucker out. He deserves a good shitkicking. And it just kind of made me realize how close K and I have become. I mean if he saw the kid, he'd legitimately kick the shit out of him. It's nice to know he has my back you know? I mean I'd actually be sad if we didn't live together.
I mean he has exacerbated my trust and commitment issues more than I thought was even possible, but at least I know he will always tell me the truth when it comes to a boy, or relationship or anything he knows is important to me.
I guess what's most important for me now is to remember that it is over and done with. I came out alive and stronger and I am so much better off without people like sofaking in my life. Most days, I can't even believe I was ever friends with some of the people I was. But I know that I am a better person than they will ever be and I am doing something real with my life and that it was a hell of a kickstart to get me out of that place in my life. And I feel like I've only become a better, smarter, more mature person since then.

Meredith.

Sometimes it takes a huge loss to remind you of what you care about the most. Sometimes you find yourself becoming stronger as a result, wiser, better equipped to deal with the next big disaster that comes along. Sometimes, but not always.

I should know so much better than this.

I'm moving in reverse, under your mighty curse.
I hate myself for loving you.
And I turn my head away but my heart will remain,
until the day I learn you're no good for me.

let go, let go and believe.

it's gotta be this one, you don't have to fake it;
you know I can take it.
what if I told you your tears haven't been ignored,
and everything that was taken can be restored.
feel  this, can you feel this?
my heart beating out of my chest, feel this,
can you feel this, salvation under my breast.
it's gotta be just right, soul and spirit, chord and a lyric,
and what if I told you that innocence is yours?
the beauty you have now is brighter than before.

there's no such thing as love.

“I love no one but you, I have discovered, but you are far away and I am here alone. Then this is my life and maybe, however unlikely, I’ll find my way back there. Or maybe, one day, I’ll settle for second best. And on that same day, hell will freeze over, the sun will burn out and the stars will fall from the sky.”
― Lemony Snicket

I believe in fairy tales.

"Fairy tales do not tell children the dragons exist.
Children already know that dragons exist.
Fairy tales tell children the dragons can be killed."
-GK Chesterton

break my heart.

So this morning was rough. In my class I had a student who's been off lately and acting out and I was wondering why. Today I found out it's because his parents are getting a divorce. And as he was writing in his journal, he asked me to spell a few words. The words he asked me to spell were, 'scared', 'hurt', 'drink' and 'beer'. And it seriously broke my heart. Like he was writing about how he was so worried for his mom because they were splitting up and he was scared that she would get hurt because his dad drinks beer. And I like had to get up and walk away because I was almost in tears.
It hit me really hard. I mean my parents got divorced but they raised me incredibly still and they like made a point to ensure we were the priority, not their divorce. It breaks my heart that a seven year old has to go through this. I don't know if I could deal with this on a regular basis. I feel too deeply for other people to watch students go through these types of things all the time and be able to only do so much just wouldn't work for me.

fucking facebook.

I deactivated my facebook account. I'm not sure how long it'll last but I just need the break. I can spend my time on twitter. There's a few other reasons behind it but that's not important. I just need some space from the work of social networking.
I've thought about deleting number twelve from fb many times. Mostly because as much as I don't want to, every time I see he's friends with a new girl or has new pictures with girls I don't like it. He's a wonderful kid and he has some many outstanding qualities that of course people want to be friends with him. But I myself, cannot subject myself to watching it go on. I would rather not know.
In the summer when I deleted it, it's when he text me. He told me that he didn't have me on bbm because I got a new phone and purposely didn't add him and now I didn't have facebook and he couldn't 'check on me' anymore. He had no idea how to know what was going on in my life and he didn't like that at all. I'm sure that's a part of this but at the same time, I just don't need it in my life right now.

November 5, 2011.

"Imagine for a moment, Virgo, that you are a miner during the Gold Rush of the 1800s. You head out West, and you practically break your back working a claim, chipping away night and day in your quest for fortune. After awhile, you become hungry and tired. You begin to feel that it wasn't worth it after all, and you start considering other options for trying to survive- but deep down you feel defeated. Then you raise your pick axe one last time, bring it down with a crash, and you open a vein of gold in the hard rock. That's just about where you are in a long-sought dream."

arm's length away.

S and I talked about number twelve last night. And it's hard for me to do that sometimes but S is actually a good person to talk to about it beause she reaffirms that I'm doing the right thing and that I'm being mature in the way that I handle the situation etc. I mean that is a messy ass situation. It is hard and painful and disastrous. There is a fine line between love and  hate for both him and I. We love each other so much but hate that we cannot get over the other one.
I think that is what's hardest for me. Like I just cannot think of being with someone else even though I know that number twelve and I won't be together any time soon if we ever are. And it's stupid really because I feel like that would be unfair to any other guy I could date. I mean that my heart wouldn't be available to him even if he gave me his. And I don't want to date some big asshole because I don't want to put myself through that so then if I did date a nice boy I would just feel bad that I couldn't let him all the way in. I don't honestly know if I'll ever be able to let anyone else all the way in.
JP made an interesting comment about DK the other night. She was like would you ever date him. And when I told S she's like no that's weird he's like your brother. But it's not really like that. I don't look at him like a brother because he's let's be honest, he's a fucking smokeshow. But at the same time I don't think I'd ever want to date him either. He's a really nice kid, a good friend and I don't honestly know if I'd be willing to risk that again. I don't want to lose another friend and especially with DK I'd have the possibility of losing AM and PD. And to me, it's just not worth that. Another thing I don't think I could deal with is the way he looks at HJR because she's one of my closest girl friends. I love DK but I just wouldn't go there.

weekend.

On Friday I went out with JL and JP and DL and it was really fun actually. I'm not huge on the bar scene but it was actually pretty fun. We drank at their dad's house and then went to a pub then this really nice restaurant to meet B, their dad and we had drinks with him. Then we went to Pulse bahahahah it's like a Lotus. Brutal, really. But it was fun anyways. HM and ID and MH and his gf MG and MB and JM were all there and they were really fun and nice to see too. I passed the f out though when we got back to B's because I am still trying to catch up on my missed sleep from the week.
I think that's another reason I don't overly enjoy going out. It really messes up my sleep schedule which screws up everything. Like now tomorrow I have to be up at like 6 to get ready for my practicum. It's just flustering is all.
Last night I went and picked up S for CM's hockey game. I really like S and we had a really good chat. It's weird because I trust her an unusual amount. And I don't really trust people. Maybe it's because I know that at any given time, she could be reading this and she has yet to betray the trust she possess in regards to my blog. I don't know. We had a good chat and I feel like as much as we gossip etc. she can also discuss real life issues without me being like shut up you have absolutely no idea what you are talking about please go back to your blabbing about partying and how cool your C average is.
After the game I went to BL's house and just chatted and played name that tune on his ipad with everyone. It was nice and chill but I went home early to get to bed and of course just as soon as I crawled into bed HM text me to come give them a ride. So fine, of course I did because I'm whipped/too nice/really hate drunk driving. So I get to the bar, drop them off and I get a phone call and I was like facckk what now. So JM forgot his wallet so I drove him all the way back to the west side to get it then back to the bar. By the time I got home it was almost 2 and as per usual I was sleep deprived.

I'll tell him how I've missed him every minute since he left.

When I get where I'm going, there'll be only happy tears,
I will shed the sins and struggles I have carried all these years.
And I'll leave my heart wide open, I will love and have no fear,
Yeah when I get where I'm going, don't cry for me down here.

when I get where I'm going.

I'm gonna walk with my grandaddy, and he'll match me step for step,
I'll tell him how I've missed him every minute since he left,
and then I'll hug his neck.