awkward scale off the charts.

#thatawkwardmoment when a dude you hooked up with's ex-girlfriend is sitting at your library table and invites him to sit with you.

sufficiently awkward.

Sufficiently awkward quota of the week is reached I think.
1) Saw RD aka boy I slept with in September... rebound sex was great.
2) Saw DS aka boy I would love to sleep with that was a virgin when I embarrassed the fuck out of him.
3) Tripped incredibly hard at work on nothing and my manager made fun of me
Today alone
4)  Saw AE, my black friend who is either roommates with or best friends with RD
5) Saw other RD aka boy who thinks I'm too clingy that I hooked up with one time and is well endowed.
What the fuck is this world coming too.

no social etiquette.

Alright seriously, since when is it okay to a) talk on the phone in the library; b) eat your supper in the library like it's a restaurant, c) not even have open books while you're in the library. Like why are you here? Go home.
I have seriously not been in the library like at all this semester. I've been avoiding it like the plague because I was sick for a month and because people are so stupid and inconsiderate. Like please gain an understanding of social etiquette. And I don't mean this in a racist way but for the most part, it's people who aren't white. And I'm not discriminating against any particular racial group but if you are talking loudly in the library I'm going to be pissed off. I don't care if you're black, white, blue, green, purple or orange, it's going to piss me off.
It was inevitable that I come back here though because I have an essay due tomorrow and I'm so flustered that people just will not be remotely quiet. Like go to fucking studio or something. It's Thursday... best night to go out in Lethvegas thus, it should be silent in the library. If you're here you should be studying. Otherwise, go home.

looking back like a child looks forward.

funny how a melody sounds just like memory.

funny how a melody sounds just like a memory.

It's funny how we're all searching for something you know. I read an article the other day (http://www.nytimes.com/2008/02/26/science/26tier.html?_r=2&pagewanted=1) and it talks about how no matter what door we're closing, we don't like to close them. Like the whole theory when one door closes, another one opens type thing. And it talks about knowing that even nothing of value is behind the door or something that isn't beneficial to us is behind it, we still don't want it closed. We don't want to end possibilities. And in fact if you think about it, it makes sense. I mean I never want to burn bridges or have people think less of me because one day, I might need that person. So then what? What about the concept of moving on?
I don't know maybe it's just me. But I know I've never completely closed the door to number twelve. Should I? Maybe. Has he closed it? Maybe. I don't know the answer to either of those questions and to be honest I don't know if anything would change if I did. This whole S situation has really got me thinking, I mean what happens when you love someone but you're just not happy anymore. How do you just say I don't love you anymore? Or is it love.
I feel like no matter what happens to me in this life, number twelve will always have a piece of my heart. And I've come to terms with that. Even if we're never together again, I'll be okay because I know that we loved with a love that was more than love. And I don't want that piece of my heart back because then it won't be worth it. I could have missed the pain, but I'd have missed the dance. (Garth Brooks ladies and gents). But it's true I mean knowing what I know now, I wouldn't take it back. Any of it. Do I wish we weren't where we are now? Sometimes. But I wouldn't change it. Mostly because I can't change it. And it has shaped me into the person I am today. And maybe that is cliché and maybe it's a poor way to look at things, maybe I'm naive. But I'm who I am because of the experiences in my life. The choices I've made that I can't take back, those are the ones that changed me. It's all the things that we're afraid of that make us who we are.
I am twenty years old. Two decades. That's pretty young now-a-days. In my grandparents time, I would be married and reproducing by now. In my parents age I'd be looking to settle down and finishing university. And  yet there's nothing I can think of that I want less than to settle down right now. I'm not ready for marriage or love or children. I am so free right now. I am free to be selfish and self-less and irresponsible and responsible and fun and boring and adventurous and safe. There is nothing tying me down except for my own inhibitions.
And I kinda like it this way. I'm free to find and be me.

one part brick.

LG and PS came here last night. And I know I should try and forgive him but I just can't. I know he's trying to be a better person but there's a part of me that will never forgive him. I just think she deserves better.
I'm so confused lately. I'm usually the one with all the drama. Not self-induced but usually I somehow get involved. And lately, it has nothing to do with me. It's a nice change. I'm doing well actually. I miss number twelve sometimes, but I know I'm where I need to be. And I think that's the most important thing. For the first time in a long time, I'm content. Yes sometimes it'd be nice to have someone but I'm actually pretty satisfied with where I am in life. I'm busy and I am content spending time on myself. I like my life. The gym, school, work. I just want to do something in life. I want to be productive. I want to help somebody.
I'm excited to go home and party with my friends and just have fun. I like that people trust me and confide in me. I know how few people S trusts, especially with important things and for her to confide in me and actually take my opinion into consideration lately, it matters to me. It means something to me that people tell me things and trust me. And it means something to me that I'm finally settled and I can be supportive of people in a more dedicated and real way. I just want my friends to know that I am here for them. You know? I feel like after a year and a half of hell I can finally be the strong one again, the person I used to be.

stop Kony.

Please watch this. It's the best 29 minutes of your life.
KONY 2012: http://youtu.be/Y4MnpzG5Sqc #KONY2012#makehimfamous

one day you'll wake up and it won't hurt anymore.

you're beautiful, it's true.

I want you to live.

I'm gonna wish I had a storm warning.

It just wasn't fair, the way she was blowin' my mind.
Have you ever noticed every hurricane gets its name from a girl like this.

she's the girl from your favourite song.

She's a beautiful mess, the kind you love to love
But what happens next
I got a feeling when the sun comes up
I'm gonna wish I had a storm warning
I'm gonna wish I had a sign
I'm gonna wish I had a little heads up
Little lee-way, little more time
Some kind of radar system, locked in on love
I got a feeling by the time the night finds the morning
I'm gonna wish I had a storm warning.

the vault.

Sometimes I get flustered because people trust me and it's really hard to hold everybody's secrets but at the same time, it's really nice to know people trust me. And that trust is important to me. I love that people can confide in me. I love that they trust me enough to confide in me, especially the people that don't confide in other people. Boys confide in me, which is rare. Boys don't share their feelings but many of them open up to me. And then there's people like ME or S who don't really show everyone their real selves. I'm similar to them in that sense.
For the most part, people think that I am a stuck-up judgemental bitch. And in many cases I am. But I'm also honest, and genuine. I won't be fake nice to you and I won't lie to you. One you win my heart, you've got it forever. And I don't care if you're my best friend or someone I just met, I will tell you exactly the way I see it. And I step on peoples' toes sometimes because of this but I really am trying to show you that there are other perspectives and it's important to recognize them.
It's probably not the best way to live life, but I hide my heart. I have been through things that force me to live with the world at arm's length. I hide my heart and I have a very rough and sometimes cold exterior but beneath it, my heart is great. It's honest and it loves, unconditionally. And that's something that though it hurts me often, I pride most. When I love you, I love all of you; not in spite of the things you do that drive me nuts, but because of those things.
I may not always show people who I am or how I feel. And I may be a conceited selfish bitch. But I'm not all bad. One you have my heart, you have it forever.

it's funny how time passing by can change your perspective.

I seriously have the most adorable niece in life. This morning her dad sneezes so she goes, "Okay??!" and he responds, "Yes". So her mom asks her, "did you have a good sleep"? And mouse responds, "Shhhhh. Still sleeping".
What a funny kid hahahahah like mom shh I'm still sleeping.
I can't believe she will be 2 on Tuesday. She's getting so old. I remember when she was born and it seems so silly because it's like when your parents, siblings, grandparents, relatives tell you, "you know, I remember when you were born and I could hold you in my hand and blah blah blah". But I'm that person now. I remember laying with her and she'd sleep on my chest for hours. The first summer she was born I worked at 6am almost every day. And it sucked because I basically had to decide between seeing my baby niece or seeing number twelve. So I tried to switch it up but it was hard because I wanted to see both of them and usually mouse was sleeping so I'd nap. And often I'd help number 12 make his lunch for work or we'd nap too.
I just can't believe it's been two years since all this happened. I mean I remember the moment I got the phone call she was born. I was half cut in the residence at U of L in a beer pong tournament. In the morning I got up,   and I left at like 9am. I got a coffee, followed a cop from Fort Macleod to Claresholm, stopped for gas in Claresholm and made it to RD by 11:30 quarter to 12. That is probably the fastest I've ever driven, ever. And I couldn't even see her. She was in the special neonatal nursery, only her parents could hold her and we just had to look at her tiny little body. She was so small. Yet so incredibly beautiful.