Everyone I love, I've lost.

This is twice today I'm already in tears. It's not even noon yet... how pathetic am I?
This morning I went to the market and I saw my Grandpa's brother. I saw him and instantly my eyes watered. He looks so much like my grandfather did. He has the most beautiful blue eyes and a full head of snow white hair. He gave me a big hug, and asked about my school and my life and told me he was proud, that Poppa would have been proud.
Then I talked to number twelve after. I am so over feeling like this. I have much too much in my life to put up with his shit. I have to force myself to stop. And now, I'm sitting here in the library with tears streaming down my face hoping that no one will see me like this.

Figure it out.

Boys are do fucking dumb. "I just love her so much it breaks my heart to see her upset". Duh then don't do shit that makes her upset, especially things you know will upset her.

I used to say, never say never.

You go talk to your friends, talk to my friends, talk to me. But we are never ever ever ever getting back together.

Never grow up.

That’s the real trouble with the world, too many people grow up. They forget. –Walt Disney

I'm letting go.

Jesus, take the wheel. Take it from my hands, 'cause I can't do this on my own.

The hardest question I'll ever have to ask.

Are you done hurting me back?

fatality

I'm fine.

it's not enough.

Love, alone, is never enough.

Patience is a virtue.

I heard something today and I thought it was interesting. "be patient to all that is unsolved in your heart". Patience is something we lack so much today. We are so used to instant pleasure we never want to wait for anything, work for it. We think wanting it or working a little should make it ours. That should be enough.
I'm someone that genuinely believes everything happens for a reason and yet I still find myself getting caught up in the here and now or worse getting caught up in the future and forgetting that sometimes, it is out of our control. Sometimes it's just not the right time. Think of a broken heart, most times people think that someone new will come along and that someone new will put it back together. Maybe that's true for some people but maybe that doesn't fix it. Maybe it bandages it. The only person who can fix one's heart is one's self. It is a conscious choice. Most people would disagree that it's a choice, but it really is. The part that isn't a choice is the timing. We don't choose when we are really ready. We always want it now. But we have to be patient and allow ourselves to learn and grow so that when the time is right, we can choose to move on. We can choose our next step. But this step must be taken in good time. If cannot be rushed not determined strategically. Each person has a certain timeline. And we cannot control when we or anyone else is ready. You'll just know.

Exhaustion.

Hating you is the most exhausting thing I've ever had to do.

Break my heart, again. And I'm not even surprised.

Oh hey thanks for putting such a significant effort into seeing how I'm doing and how my dad is. Greatly appreciated.

Fucked.

I am honestly one of the weirdest people you will ever meet. I am great at being fun and going out but a good 99 percent of the time I would much rather be at home. I love drinking wine but I'd rather drink it alone. I love to study and halfway through the summer I can't wait to go back to school.
I really enjoy being alone and not answering to anybody else but at the same time I almost break down into tears being around my sister and TH sometimes. I want someone to be at my beck and call but I don't want to have to commit. I just want to have someone be around when I want without any emotional attachment. It's not the physical part I'm afraid of. That's almost easier. I am afraid to even let someone else see I have a heart let alone give it to them. I'm not even really sure I ever got it back. But I'm not sure I want number twelve to have it either if he's going to be so careless with it. What am I to do.

Breathe, then let it go.

What a fucking week.

Is it over yet? Can I open my eyes? Is this as hard as it gets? Is this what it feels like to really cry.