Perspective.

How could I be so naive, so blind, so stupid.

I don't know if it's ever really occurred to me until now the biggest difference between him and I. The biggest difference between them and I. I didn't realize the immensity of such an inherent part of who I am. The side effects. I didn't realize why I find myself in this situation over and over with other people but it's so clear now. How did I not see it before. I'm always looking out for him. And he's always looking out for himself. 

DT.

No one else in the world is going to look out for you. You gotta do what's best for you. You gotta fight for you. Parents, coaches, teachers, friends... They're going to put you down and they might not believe in you. You have to figure out what you want and don't let anybody stand in your way. You are the only one who decides if you're successful. You're going to get bullied. You're going to fail. You're going to hurt. You're going to face adversity.  You look at the people you admire and I can promise you, they have one thing in common. They all got back up. They kept going. That's why they are successful. They didn't let anyone or anything get in their way. 

Straight into my soul.

We're not perfect. Any of us. We make mistakes, we screw up. But then we forgive and we move forward. At least you have the courage to feel. You feel everything so deeply. 

Thoughts.

Love is fragile and we're not always its best caretakers. We just muddle through and do the best we can and hope this fragile thing survives against all odds. 

Nothing has ever been more true.

It was after 2am, give me a break.

It's so frustrating when you can only sleep a maximum of 5 hours no matter how tired you are. 

Respect.

Today D asked me if he could have my leadership class. I knew as soon as he did that he wanted to give a speech, especially for B because I've been voicing my concerns about him. So he comes in and gives a 48 minute pep talk. He tells the story of his childhood and his family's escape from Vietnam. He talked about how you are the only person standing in the way of success in your life. I honestly sat in the back of the class in tears. That man is the epitome of perseverance. I have nothing but respect for him. 

Reading.

I just read about Cancers and then about Virgos. And then about their compatibility. Over and over I read about Cancers and it says you have to make the first move. My mom's told me that. A medium told me that. I'm just so terrified.
Reading about myself is always interesting. It talked about how logical virgos are and how sometimes their head gets in the way of their heart. How we disconnect ourselves from emotion. Instead of feeling it, we just step back and analyze it. That was a hard truth. And how being friends with a Virgo can be difficult because Virgos are always trying to give advice to better your life but it can sometimes be rude. It also discusses how you might be able to tell something is off with a Virgo but asking them about it is not the answer, it's better to wait until they are ready to talk about it.
I feel like that suits me. I am definitely not myself but none of my friends have really pushed the issue and I appreciate that.

Be who you needed when you were younger.

I honestly don't know where I'd be without D right now. He is the most loyal friend I have ever had. He makes a point to build me up every single day and I need that so much right now. Sometimes he does it in the most sarcastic, silliest ways but he always makes sure to make me laugh.
I was telling him how this parent told me I look tired and stressed and how I hate that because they are basically saying, you look like shit. And he was like, well even when you look like shit you are sexier than most women. I just laughed.
The next morning, he sees me down the hallway, kindly opens my door for my and then says, you look tired and stressed, you doing okay coach?
Just enough to be nice and open my door to throw out a comment he knew would make me smile.
He always thinks of little things. Of reminding me of my worth and that's nice.
I like to think I know my worth but the truth is, I forget it on a pretty regular basis. And that's really sad to me because I have a lot to offer the world, I know that. And yet, I don't feel that way. I see the negatives. The scariest part of that for me is when I see it in my students. I see incredible kids who do not see their value. I worry about kids who don't recognize anything they have to offer the world.
D is so confident. He is so sure of himself as a human. He's been through a lot but he gets up every morning, happy, brightening the days of everyone around him. I am so grateful to have someone who reminds me every single day what the most important part of my job is, why I do what I do.

Do not let your fire go out.

Heavy.

Chicago Med.

You might be surprised how things you once thought were sooooo important become less so as you get older. My life definitely became bigger, messier, far more interesting than I ever thought it could when I was younger. And you know what? It hasn't always been such a bad thing.