nobody knows it but me.

i`m dying inside and nobody knows it but me.

help, i need somebody. help, not just anybody.

s, i need your expertise.
he tells me it`s gonna be just fine.
but i don`t know what to do.
i`m so upset. how do i let it go.

tears and rain.

i just wanna stop crying and being upset and i just wanna feel like this isn`t the end of the world. number twelve`s whole family knows i cheated on him. does it get much worse than this

i just wanna feel okay again.

you have knocked me off my feet again,
got me feeling like i`m nothing.

you`re mad i said no aren`t you.

"we can't have some big deep incredible and then ruin it by having sex.``

can't win, can't lose.

i would find the only freaking respectable boy in the whole world.

welcome to my silly life.

"mistreated, misplaced, misunderstood,
miss 'no way it's all good', it didn't slow me down.
mistaken, always second guessing, underestimated"

i love you.

she loves you.
why can't you open your eyes to the possibilities.

boys are so oblivious.

"nice smile, i'm trying to figure out if it's real or fake"?

of course it's real dumbass. get in here now. (i never said it, he should know by now).

the perfect day.

oh perfect. now i feel so guilty. he was gonna go snowboarding today and i told him to go. and now he's here while all his friends went snowboarding. and im like why didn't you go. i would've been perfectly content to stay here all day and do my homework. i mean waking up to him kissing me goodbye and handing me coffee in bed, then going back to sleep for a bit and waking up having pre-made breakfast waiting for me. then study all day, relax, enjoy being here. then have him come home and have supper ready for him when he's back from snowboarding then watching a movie and going to bed and thoroughly catching up on the day's missed activities. that sounds absolutely incredible to me.
but nooo now i have to sit here and feel guilty for him staying here for me. boys are so silly sometimes.

absent-mindedly making me want you.

i'm sitting here in number twelve's apartment doing homework/blogging. and i seriously am crazy about him. every time i look up he just has this huge smile on his face and it's so damn sexy. also, he is super tanned from his trip to dominican and his hair has grown to it's sexy length and i'm trying my best not to jump his bones. it's funny because every so often one of us catches the other one staring and just beaks. he's so cocky and sexy and he sometimes pretends to be oblivious to how sexy he is and it makes me laugh because he knows he is a gorgeous boy.
how does someone with such unattractive habits just epitomize sexy. haha like some of the stuff he does just drives me absolutely insane yet i still am captivated by his presence. like we're doing homework together and i'm still like crazy about him. i love how much effort he's been putting in. boys who care about getting places in life (driven, ambitious, hardworking) are sooo sexy. i want to know a boy is gonna work his ass off to take care of me and give me a great life. he's the one.

fuck you and a fuck her too.

here's the perfect lyrics for sofaking. please feel free to text them to him bahaha it would be the perfect fuck you.

"you'd better be careful what you do, i wouldn't wanna be in your shoes if they ever found you out. you'd better be careful what you say, it never really added up anyway. i've got friends in this town."

lg was like oh man that just gave me shivers it fits so well.

you have my heart.

there is absolutely nothing better than laying in the arms of the boy you love all night. it was a good twelve hours of laying, talking and sleeping. and of course every time someone wakes up a quick kiss.

maybe i've gone back too much lately; when time stood still and i had you.

come back, come back, come back to me like
you would, you would if this was a movie
stand in the rain outside 'til i came out.
come back, come back, come back to me like
you could, you could if you just said you're sorry.
i know that we can work it out somehow;
but if this was a movie you'd be here by now.

this love is ours.

seems like there's always someone who disapproves,
they'll judge it like they know about me and you.
and the verdict comes from those with nothing else to do;
the jury's out, but my choice is you.

i really love number twelve.

alrighty well i'm gonna go take some nyquil and take advantage of number 12 or more likely the other way around and go to bed. have a wonderful night.

despite fear of being used.

i feel about 1000 times better than when i got here due to excessive (if excessive sex is even possible) amounts of great sex since i arrived.

in light of s' wedding dress posts.

well i planned to post a picture of the engagement ring i want since s posted some beautiful wedding gowns but apparently you can't save or copy the picture so here's a link...
://www.tiffany.ca/Engagement/item.aspx?GroupSku=GRP10001&selectedSku=23872722#f+0/0/0/0/0/0
good news: it's ONLY $47 900 canadian

cowtown.

so i decided to visit number twelve for the weekend. i kinda wanted to go to animal drinking day (today you have to drink a type of alcohol that includes an animal.. ex. grey goose). instead i decided to come here, like i was really hard to convince. i'm not sure what to think right now. i want to believe he's too good of a person and he still cares about me but i almost feel like this is about sex for him. and it kinda crushes me. i'm a pretty big mess. and i think he can see i'm upset because he keeps asking what's wrong. a huge  part of it is that he has a picture of nh. re: the girl i can't stand that he took to the wedding. and it hurts me that he has no pictures of him and i here. i know it's silly but i just wanna feel important to him. and i know that's a shallow thing to care about and our relationship should be based on more and it is, but sometimes the little things mean the most.

worst part of living alone.

1) you have to clean everything yourself.
2) you have to pay for things.
3) you have no one to take care of you when you're sick.

check yes.

bahaha he just left. woo wooo. now i can go about my cooking and studying as per usual.

it's his house bahaha

i'm sitting in my room hoping my roommate will leave. haha i don't mean that in a mean way. i have nothing against him just when you become accustomed to living alone, it's weird to have someone else around. last year i lived alone and all of last semester he worked lots. hello shouldn't his work be resuming soon?

almost famous.

if you never take it seriously, you never get hurt.
if you never get hurt, you always have fun.

three hours.

soo i have a class in an hour. three hour night class. i'm excited for the class but reallly three hours is soooo long. plus i'm sick so i dunno how well that'll go over. i'm exhausted and just had a nap but you know when you're sick you're just always tired. plus i might add that it's supposed to be minus 38 tonight.

it's the simple things.

it's funny how something as simple as a cd can entirely change the way someone looks at you.

off to an interesting start.

well i just read my first english assignment. it was about fattening up children until the age of one in which case they will be sold and slaughtered like pigs to be fed to the people of ireland. it will solve hunger and poverty problems. it was really weird and completely fucked.
check it out it's only like a 5-10 minute read. 

http://www.gutenberg.org/files/1080/1080-h/1080-h.htm

can you feel this magic in the air?

you told me i was pretty when i looked like a mess.

ten plus two.

he wants me to visit and cook for him and in return we're gonna cuddle. how incredible does that sound! there's nothing better than laying in the arms of the boy you love.

whatever floats your boat.

alright i know it's mormon country down here but soooo many people in university are married. it's absolutely nuts. like a swear half of this class was married. and i'm sitting there thinking, i'm nineteen years old. no thank you to marriage yet. i don't have anything against getting married this young except that you have a higher divorce rate, but i just couldn't fathom being married at nineteen. don't get me wrong, when i'm in my 5th year or shortly after i'd be okay to get married. i'd like to be married by 25 but not 20 thank you.

the reformation.

soo i'm trying to get into this history class. it sounds pretty interesting. it's all about the reformation and it's got a pretty neat assignment. i went to the class today just to see what it was about. nc (number 12's sister) wants me to take it with her only neither of us are in it. and i'm trying to figure out what class to drop if i get into this one. i want to take this one now because i'd really like a class with her before she graduates which may be in a year and a half or maybe two years i'm not quite sure but most of her classes will be management so this is kind of my last chance. i suppose we'll see. i just hope someone drops this class. or a few people.

this is what happens when i have class at 8am

ohhh my gosh! i got aquafina lip chap today finallllyy. and yes i know what you're thinking, "isn't that a water company"? and you are correct but it makes the most incredible lip chap and i'm so excited.

every time i hear your name.

i get caught in the

'you were the only one for me'.

i can't explain but i'm in that place.

when i hear your name i feel rain falling right out of the blue sky. and it's the fifth of may and i'm right there staring in your eyes. and nothing's changed and we're still the same and i get lost in the innocence of the first kiss and i'm hanging on to every word rolling off of your lips. and that's all it takes and i'm in that place.

you never seem to run out of things to say.

this is the story of a girl who cried a river and drowned the
whole world. and well she looks so sad in photographs,
 i absolutely love her when she smiles.

something in common.

"the thing about her is it's really hard for her to let her guard down. but once she does, she has this incredible heart".

calendarization.

new semester always means excessive calendar-ization time. haha that's my word for how i write absolutely everything into a planner and a schedule to try and follow although after about two weeks i'm usually not on schedule. but i'm trying to get a 4.0 this semester so i'm gonna be working hard.

can you say ridiculous?

nine textbooks. i've been to two of five classes and i need nine textbooks.

i miss the girl i used to be.

we miss the things that we don't even know are gone.

nighty-night.

for the first time in a long time i'm going to sleep well tonight. i know things are going to be okay. i feel okay again. i believe again. i love that boy so much and i actualy feel like i can sleep and i'm not afraid. i am exhausted and i'm sick. but it's time to finally let the crappy things go and work on the good things. sex and the city 2 awaits me.

my cd worked.

"i can't believe you're in lethbridge already after sharing a cd like that... maybe you'll have to come get a new rent cheque in calgary or soemthing soon".

sheesh i love her.

this is what my sister just said to me,
"i've decided i'm going to call my ambulance
Ambo, like lamborghini so i sound cooler".
bahahahahahahahah

edgar allan poe

"we loved with a love that was more than love"

hope.

he told me he missed me.