life is not tried, it is merely survived if you're standing outside the fire.

I'd love to stand outside the fire. Too bad he already has a large tank of gasoline attached to my heart and the line and lighter in hand.

standing outside the fire.

Annoyed. I think that's the best word to describe this. Number twelve text me this morning. And I was just kind of like what the fuck. And I answered him a few hours later and then he answered me right away and I waited another few hours and answered. I am trying to keep him at arms length. Further than that; being arms length is much too close for that boy. I guess I just don't understand. Like at first I wanted to be like since when the fuck do you care how I am or what's new in my life. Like I'm just so pissed off that he has the nerve to ask me the questions he has today after the last few months. It's not okay to treat me like this. Then I realized that not answering him or losing it on him will do no good.
And I'm better than that. If he wants to be a dick that's fine. But I'm better than that. I don't need to be a bitch back because that's not who I am. Yes, I'm hurting but if I treat him how he's treating me then I'm no better than him. And hurting him would not make me feel better and it will not make our situation better.
KB (my roommate) told me to just tell him how wonderful my life is without him. He said that would piss him off more than anything. It would be worse than ignoring him or being a bitch to tell him how wonderful my life is without him even though I don't feel that way.
I guess I'm just trying to understand why now. Why whenever I start to feel back on my feet again does he come back? How does he know that I'm finally doing okay again? I have been praying for this every single day and now I can't figure out why I wanted that. I mean, I love him and at some point in my life, yes I honestly believe we will end up together. But if this is just another attempt to get close to me to destroy my heart again, I don't want it because I am so tired of being broken. I am tired of everything being on his terms.
I just want to be happy again. Content.

the same one.

I'm just sitting here in the tears pouring down my cheeks for a silly boy.
again.

love sucks.

I went to Crazy, Stupid Love last night and that movie is so hard to watch. It was much funnier than I expected which was refreshing. Every time I'd start to cry, more because of things with number twelve than it actually being sad some one (likely Ryan Gosling who is an absolute babe by the way) would say something and the whole theatre would burst out laughing.
It was just hard to watchh because they reiterated the concept of a soulmate, believing in that kind of love and how you never give up on someone you love that much even if you met at fifteen and there's been some pretty huge mistakes made. I don't know it just kind of reminded me that I promised myself I wouldn't ever give up because I do love number twelve and I will always love him from the bottom of my heart.

in a box beneath my bed is a letter that you never read.

It's been a long weekend. Not in terms of 4 days in terms of long, draining, busy. Work has been excruciating. I'm exhausted. And yet somehow my body has enough energy to be sad. Even after I went for a drive with dragon today and then went to the gym for two hours to relieve all my stress. I suppose it's time I finally write the letter to number twelve that has been sitting inside my head and my heart for three and a half weeks now. Wish me luck.

wish I would press rewind and rewrite every line to the story of me and you.

Don't you know I've tried and I've tried to get you off my mind but it don't get no better as each day goes by. And I'm lost and confused I've got nothing to lose. Hope to hear from you soon,
P.S. I'm still not over you.

I'd rather build sandcastles.

I've got this picture in my head
of where I ought to be and when.
But it's just like the good advice that John gave when he said,
"Life it happens while we're busy making plans".

you think that's where it's at but is that where it's supposed to be.

yeah, you're so jaded,
and I'm the one that jaded you.

that came out a little bit country, but every word was right on the money.

she's the prettiest girl I've ever seen,
the walking definition of a beauty queen.
every man wants to take her away but
 she hasn't always been this way.