Theoretical.

" You and I are like that red wall, good in theory but somehow it just doesn't work. "

Almost 3 full months of nothing.

It's been 11 weeks and 2 days exactly since there was any contact between number twelve and I.

Drained.

I have much too much to say but I'm much to drained to say it.

happy endings.

KG has gone through some really intense stuff in the past three years. She's the girl who used to live next door and her boyfriend cheated on her, then she revenge fucked someone else and ended up getting pregnant. She didn't know which one of them was the father and she went through some pretty intense stuff. She lost two of her best friends because they became best friends and now they hate her because she ended up with the father. The one guy threatened to burn her house down with her in it and offered her 10gs to get an abortion. And they were very on and off with some very serious shit, court order, etc. They have been together and happy for about a year now, maybe a little less. They live together with their son and they just got engaged. I saw her engagement photos and she looks genuinely happy. It's nice to see that some people get the fairytale ending.
So I texted her and told her how happy I was that she got her happy ending and that it gave me hope that one day I might get mine. She told me one day I will, and I will have BB twins hahaha. but it honestly just melts my heart a bit because she was really there for me during the brunt of the shitty times with number twelve.

I crack myself up.

I was so trendy and hipster today hahaahahahahahahaha. I wore leggings with almost knee-high black riding boots and an oversized sweater with a scarf and my glasses. When I got home I put my hair in a messy bun too. Like could I be any more hipster hahahahah

one more week.

I have been procrastinating for about 4 hours now. I am just so exhausted by the time I get  home from school that I can't focus to sit down and plan lessons until like 8 or 9 o'clock and then I am up until midnight or later and then in the morning I am exhausted. It's a viscous  cycle.

Introspective.

What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
Being lonely. The kind of lonely that longs to not be lonely. 
Where would you like to live?
Seattle, New York, Nashville, Durham
What is your idea of earthly happiness?
Reading in front of the fire with a blanket, glass of wine or hot chocolate and the one I love. 
To what faults do you feel most indulgent?
Indecision. 
Who are your favorite characters in history?
T.S. Eliot, Martin Luther King, Adolf Hitler, John Steinbeck, Charles Dickens
Who are your favorite heroines of fiction?
Carrie Bradshaw, Hermione Granger
Your favorite painter?
I don't know much about art, I wish I knew more. Perhaps Leonardo Davinci, only because I am still not convinced that The Davinci Code is fiction. 
Your favorite musician?
Jack Johnson
The quality you most admire in a man?
Ambition, honesty, and security. 
The quality you most admire in a woman?
Confidence. 
Your favorite virtue?
Integrity. I thought I lost it once, but in reality I lost myself for awhile, and when I came back, so did my integrity. 
Who would you have liked to be?
Kate Middleton 
Your most marked characteristic?
Perspective. 
What do you most value in your friends?
Honesty. 
What is your principle defect?
Judgement. 
What is your dream of happiness?
Love. 
What to your mind would be the greatest of misfortunes?
To never know how it feels to love and be loved. 
What would you like to be?
Successful, Loved, Strong. 
In what country would you like to live?
Italy, Greece, Canada, or the United States. 
What is your favourite color?
Black, or charcoal grey, or blue.  
What is your favourite flower?
Calla Lillies, Birds of Paradise. 
What is your favourite bird?
None I despise birds. They are absolutely terrifying. 
Who are your favourite poets?
Robert Frost, Dr. Seuss, 
Who are your favourite composers?
I don't know much about composers, but I love listening to classical music. 
Who are your heroes in real life?
My momma, my sister. 
What are your favorite names?
Sadie, Addison, Abagail, Nathan, Austin. 
What is it you most dislike?
Complacency and lack appreciation for life.  
What historical figures do you most despise?
.Shakespeare, Napoleon, 
What natural gift would you most like to possess?
The ability to walk in somebody else's shoes. 
How would you like to die?
Asleep, with the one I love. 
What is your present state of mind?
Introspective. 
What is your motto?Always love, love always.

Closeness.

On Friday four of us stayed at my home. It was kind of nice because K hasn't been here much. Most of the time I like being alone but having company is nice sometimes. That's why I want a puppy so bad, so I have something to come home to that doesn't speak.
A slept in my bed. We didn't do anything we just cuddled. It was honestly just so nice to have someone next to me. It's the physical presence that I crave. When I slept with number twelve I usually had such great sleeps because I felt so safe. Until the end at least when I was always so stressed and so worried knowing what we were doing would probably end up breaking my heart.
I just crave someone to hold me now and then. The worst part is that I used to love sleeping alone and hate sleeping with someone until number twelve forced me to love sleeping together. I think I especially liked it because I only ever had the opportunity for 3 or 4 days at a time.
I just want to be close.

When I get where I'm going, I'm gonna walk with my grandaddy.

It's been exactly seven years since my poppa died. It is really really hard to even comprehend that. I miss him so much. He had this grace about him that was so beautiful. He was just so proud. He loved life and he loved me.
My niece has been seeing ghosts. It's actually terrifying a little bit but fascinating at the same time. The fact that she can open her heart and mind to the possibility of spirits between worlds is to me incredible. She said she was talking to an old man the other day. An old man in the navy he was fighting a war and he was really nice and he loved her a lot. B asked if he's okay and S said oh yes he's fine he is completely okay he's safe. He just loves me though. She is two years old and she spoke stories of him.
I know he's watching over her and he loves her. So very much he loves her. I miss him so much. It breaks my heart because so many people like hate spending time with their family. I love it. It breaks my heart that my grandparents couldn't come to my graduation and that they won't be at my wedding, or when my kids are born or any of it. So many people take their families for granted and I just love mine. I appreciate them and miss them and wish I was that lucky.

In loving memory.

How are people that mean.

On Friday night I went to a duck dynasty party, which was hilarious by the way. I saw RD, who I  used to hang out with. He is a really nice guy actually and he makes me laugh. He has a new girlfriend now and they seem happy and I'm so glad for him. His ex-girlfriend is seriously a psychopath. She is so insecure I feel bad for her. She makes a point to tell everyone in the world that I slept with R. And it's like okay, I get it, we aren't even friends really like why is this such an issue for you? We were literally sitting in her room on Friday not even talking about him and she's like B slept with R. I don't even care that she tells people because R is a nice guy and a great lay and they were over for almost a year before that happened. Him and I had a perfectly good conversation, did a shot of tequila together, like I invited his girlfriend to come be a part of it with us. I see things in a way that I want what's best for him, I want him to be happy. 

KM decided to flirt with R and like basically throwing herself at him like right in front of his girlfriend and I was just disgusted with her behaviour. You're obviously jealous, but if you ever really cared about him, you would want him to be happy not try to ruin his relationship. And no I've never had to deal with that myself but I have to believe that I would never intentionally hurt number 12, ever. I would smile through sharp stabbing pain in my heart and tell him I'm happy for him. Or I wouldn't put myself in the position where I had to watch him with another girl.

She also made a point to sleep with JS after I did and then like called me to tell me the next day and put it on twitter. Like super you are insecure and enjoy attention. I don't understand. 

She also is extremely mean to TK which is really why I don't like this girl. She is supposed to be one of her best friends and she is so mean it kills me. I hate the way she speaks to her and the way she spends every waking second trying to put her down. Here is a prime example: yesterday, KM and ET were going out. They talked about it all day in front of T and even asked her to do their hair. KM asked T to borrow her clothes and they didn't invite her to go with them. THEN they have the nerve to text her after they left and be like sooo I just realized I totally forgot to invite you to come with us. You should come though. TK was like uhh okay well I'm fine thanks and made some sort of comment about it not being a mistake but mostly brushed it off. Like they obviously did not forget to invite her. Then K tried to turn it around on T and be like you didn't really look like you wanted to go out anyways. Like I can't even believe how she treats her. 

maybe I really am a girl.

I honestly hate to admit this more than anyone could ever know but I kind of want a boy. It's like I have so many reasons why I don't want one, primarily that I don't ever want to not follow my own dreams because I have a boy that makes me want to stay. But lately, I kind of want one. I think part of why I let the charade go on as long as I did with number twelve is because I loved having him there. I honestly love him so much and I always will. But I loved being able to tell him about my day, the silliest little things that aren't even relative to life, but he loved to hear them. I loved studying beside him for hours on end and only moving to get coffee or eat. I loved spending the entire day inside looking out at the beautiful winter night and just being so content.
That's what I miss the most, my best friend. I want that again. I want those conversations. I want the good morning beautiful text messages and the good night silly girl messages. I just want to feel loved, you know. That's vain and selfish and I know I'm loved. I miss that boy's love. I want to be loved. I want to be yearned for the way that I yearn for him. I want a happy ending. I want to be loved.

l-o-v-e.

Found true love, lost your heart
Now you don't know who you are.