I don't know what love is anymore.

I wish you were here.

I've seen your acts and I know all the facts. I'm still in love with who I wish you were. It ain't hard to see who you are underneath, I'm still in love with who I wish you were. 

I wish with all of my heart for you to be happy.

I've been laying in bed basically bawling for the last 2 hours. I'm watching one tree hill. I haven't watched it in a long time. It's hard for me to watch, especially these episodes. 

The combination of this show and the way that number twelve made me feel are the reason I believe in love, true love. I guess it's hard when you realize that you're gonna love someone forever who might not love you back. It's hard when you realize that you have to come to terms with the fact that every day for the rest of your life there is a piece of you that belongs to someone else. A piece of you that you can never get back. 

What am I supposed to do now? 

tired girl.

I am exhausted today. My feet hurt so much and I do not feel good. I'm not even hungover as much as tired because I didn't really drink that much. I have been going to the gym every day (except yesterday and today) and trying to be healthier overall and so drinking just kicked the shit out of my body.
Last night was super fun. We went to a super cool band called Dehli 2 Dublin and they were actually really good. I worked last night too and I couldn't believe it. I had a 79$ bill and a guy left me an 80$ tip. Like it made my entire night. I was so grateful.
I think that's something really incredible to me. If I were really rich, I would tip outrageous amounts to good servers. Like I generally always tip well. To me 15% is shit service and that's because I work in the industry and understand all of the potential things that could be reducing the quality of service. I always tip at least 20% depending on how much the bill is. I think that servers generally work a lot harder than people think. Sure you make pretty good money but you also have to put up with a lot of shitty people in a day.

You and me.

"I love you so much, you know that."

"Just not enough." 

Fraudulent.

I sometimes feel like a fraud. A lot of people ask me for advice (sometimes I give unsolicited advice too) but I sometimes wonder like why the fuck would you ask me? I can give advice and I can see alternative perspectives and I can always make sense of other people's situations but not my own. I'm just as fucked up or more fucked up than anyone else out there. I can often see the things I am doing wrong but I cannot change them because they are inherent to me. It's like look B, you are right fucked up but nothing you can do to fix it.
It's official, I am just completely and incredibly fucked up.

I'm so pathetic.

I cried tonight again. 

They say time heals everything, but I'm still waiting.

Why do I love him this much?

late night thoughts.

I feel like I just want to experience what it's like to be with someone else. What it's like to date another boy and be in a relationship with another boy. This is so unnerving and so unnatural for me. The thought of even considering someone else is daunting to me. But I know that it's what I need. I need to experience someone else. I need to experience who I am with someone else. I want to experience who I am with someone else.