so flustered.

Hey UofL figure your shit out and tell me what classes I need. Quit offering like zero classes. Thanks. Fuck.

maturity.

I've always been mature for my age. I have, for as long as I can remember, been the person that people thought was way older than I actually was. Not last summer, but the summer before, I was only 19 and a guy at the RDGCC guessed that I was already 26. That's a 7 year difference. Everyone in Ed always tells me that they forget I'm young because I'm so mature. And I think that can be good in lots of ways but sometimes it's hard because then when I do something dumb, there's a double standard. Like "oh she was so blah blah and it was such an immature thing to do". Oh hey, I'm sorry, I'm 21 years old and finishing my fourth year of university. This time next year, I'll have two degrees at 22 years old. So basically, GO FUCK YOURSELF because I think it's okay to be immature once in awhile.
I think that's part of why I liked Lethvegas, because I had the opportunity to be a kid for awhile and act my age doing ridiculous shit.
Tonight I got told, "you seem so grown up to me, it's weird". And I think that's what is hard for a lot of my friends. I think it's hard for my friends to realize that I am in a professional faculty and this is my career. I have no desire to go out and get shitfaced 3 days a week, or even one day a week for that matter. Sure, I love a glass of wine or a beer with wings on a Wednesday but I don't have any desire to go get blackout drunk and party like I'm freshly 18. I'm not freshly 18. I want to start getting ready for my life, saving for a house and a car and a future.

Wheu

I got offered an interview so that's good news.

nerve racking

I just applied for a job at a golf course here. I actually really liked when I worked at RDGCC. I just started to hate it because of that dumb bitch and then management backed her instead of me after 3 years which really hurt me. I cannot stand lazy, catty bitches and she was that. Apparently this golf course is not supposed to be like that at all. I would love to work at a golf course again like I really enjoy having members and doing fun stuff like that. It was great. I just really don't want to work at the Mox this summer. I'm already not happy there most of the time when I work once a week, I don't want to wear black and my hair down in high heels all summer. So hopefully this goes well.

hm.

I'm feeling so weird because I am so overwhelmingly exhausted. I am so confused about number twelve but I'm too tired to even really let it affect me. I am that drained. I don't have the energy to really be upset or really even feel what I'm probably feeling right now.

drained

I'm in a really weird space right now. I feel much better today than I did yesterday. I'm still exhausted though. I'm going to try to go to the gym in a few minutes so that I can hopefully feel a little better.
I am just beat. It is exhausting being at school at 7:30am every day until 3:30 or 4pm.

fear.

I am having a bit of a breakdown today. I am feeling incredibly uninspired. I don't know why I am doing this. I don't even know if I want to be a teacher.
I feel so lost. I am so unsure of what I want right now. I am so unsure of what I need. I am weak today. I had a shower just now and put on number twelve's hoodie. It was stupid of me and I shouldn't have. I needed something. I need something. I need something that makes me feel like it's all going to be okay again. Something that makes me believe in the beauty of life, the beauty of love.
Right now I'm breaking. I feel lonely. I feel sad. I feel incredibly uninspired. I feel longing. I feel like I have absolutely no idea what I want in life. I am torn. I am jealous of my sisters for having families but I swore I never wanted that. I am jealous of the people who know exactly what they want. The ones who absolutely love what they're doing. I love learning. I don't know if I love teaching.

Confessions.

I have a confession. I've been really lonely lately. I'm sure you can tell from my lyrics and discussions of number twelve but it is really hard for me to admit when I'm lonely. It's really hard because I like being alone most of the time and I recognize that there's a major difference between being alone and being lonely. Most of the time I'm just alone but lately I've been lonely. I think part of it is that I saw number twelve and I miss him and I would love to just lay next to him. I mean tonight we talked about his ridiculous half-sick theory and how it made my night tonight. So that's why I'd love to just lay in his arms and have those ridiculous conversations about all the things he does to drive me bonkers but I know that's not good for me.
It's also hard for me because pretty much all of my friends are in relationships including my roommate. Literally the only person that comes to mind as single is TK. It's hard because one of my good friends, while I love her to death, talks waaaayy too much about her boyfriend. And I want to be supportive but sometimes I'm like stfu.
I think it's also hard because NB and CK are getting married. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to get married but it makes me sad that I don't even really have any boy in my life that I could see myself marrying (except number twelve but that's a whole nother ball game and not feasible at this time). I just feel like I should have someone to share things with, everyone else does you know?
I think my sister having baby was really hard too. Seeing how TH has been with him and how's he's been treating her is soooo nice and so hard at the same time. My other sister's husband is like the best man in the whole world and I hope one day I find a boy who loves me half as much as he loves her.
It's hard for me because I'm at such a different point in my life than my sisters. I am 4 and 12 years younger than them. I'm not ready for marriage or children but is really like someone who loves me back. I think that's what I desire most right now, someone who loves me for me.
So here's my confession of being an actual girl: I long for love. I long for someone who loves me.

Drained.

I have no desire to plan right now. I want to sleep, sleep, sleep. I am so incredibly exhausted.

Yucky pain.

I hate being a female. FUCK. I feel like someone is stabbing me.

Bend 'til you break.

Is it over yet? Can I open my eyes? Is this as hard as it gets?

I'm such a stupid girl.

All that I know is I don't know how to be someone you miss.

Silly girls falling for stupid boys.

It's funny, you know. It never ceases to amaze me that somehow, after all this time, it's still there. The desire to drive by his house on my way home even though I know he isn't there, the desire to call him late and night just to day goodnight, the desire to want to tell him everything and anything about my day. It never goes away. Will it always be this way?