in a world of my own.

cats and rabbits
would reside in fancy little houses
and be dressed in shoes and hats and trousers
in a world of my own.

all the flowers
would have very extra special powers
they would sit and talk to me for hours
when i'm lonely in a world of my own.

there'd be new birds
lots of nice and fancy howdy-do birds
everyone would have a dozen bluebirds
within that world of my own.

i could listen to a babling brook
and hear a song that i could understand
i keep wishing it oculd be that way
because my world would be a wonderland.

it's my wonderland

i am going to regret this at 6am

so i have a midterm tomorrow.. actually today i guess.. in like 8 and a half hours. and i am having a night of insomnia; yet again. it's okay though, i've been writing. and it was ironic that mr. m asked for some writing tonight 'forgetting' that i sent some a week and a half ago. 

i was reading things i wrote a long time ago. it is weird that i find my writing inspiring? not blog writing, that's just a release for my sanity.. but my actual writing. my extremely informal 'formal' writing. reading over me old writing is kind of crazy because i see moments of such strength and moments of such weakness. but those moments of strength are how i want to feel all the time. they are reminders of how well i know myself and how i need to end this vicious cycle. i think i have. i hope i have. but a part of me still wants him in my life some day. i know it can't be for awhile because if it's anytime soon i will unfortunately fall back into the way it was before but i hope that one day i'll be strong enough to be friends with my so called best friend again.  

looking at me now you might not know it but, i've had my moments.

i've had my moments, days in the sun. 

moments, i was second to none. 

moments, when i knew i did what i thought i couldn't do. 

it was a really cute text message, especially at the end of that night.

"if your heart wears thin, i will hold you up."

it's sad when someone has to lie to themself.

true love is unconditional.

click your heels three times.

there's no place like home.

we're off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of oz.

follow the yellow brick road. 

somewhere over the rainbow.

there's a land that i've heard of once in a lullaby. 

it's unexplainable; you speak to my soul.

two loves and a random.

lauren conrad. taylor swift. together??!

it's the only question left.

where do we go from here?

i can't explain, but i'm in that place.

everytime i hear your name. 

i have no idea how people dislike her.

the conversation went like this:

"i'm in a weird mood."

"me too, i'm odd. "

"oh i know me too."

"we should be together. will you please go on a date with me when you get home?"

"haha yes!"

"we're so cute." 

"i know we're in love."

"pretty much."

"i hate that you're not home."

if you didn't know us, you'd think we were more than just best friends. hahahaha and you wouldn't think we were straight. ohhh my gosh i love that girl.

3+9

seriously. what is your deal. you are so confusing. you have days like last night, where i asked you to do me a favor and you respond with an OF COURSE and tell me you'll talk to your momma today. (whom i really miss by the way) and you say goodnight and are just like you used to be and then today i say hi and you are like uh yeah i'm busy... later. like what the f is that about. i miss you and you know it. i know i hurt you and i apologized i don't know how many times. and maybe now i need you more than you need me(want could very well be a better word) but i just don't understand like if you don't want us to talk or be friends then fine but don't be half friends. don't tell me you really want me to come visit and then treat me like this. i'm so tired of having shitty people in my life. i don't need to be treated like this. and yeah i really do care about you and i always will. i don't deserve this though, and i refuse to put up with another boy treating me this way. i'm better than that. i deserve better than that. and you will not make me feel this way. ever. cause i won't let you. and if you want me to keep my heart, i will. i actually wanted to give it to you this time. being that you gave me yours and i was so careless with it. i wanted you to give me another chance, a real one because i was ready to actually let you into my heart. last time you were there, it was just conflicted and we both knew it. and now that i am actually ready to be completely vulnerable then you just like treat me like shit. i want to know what happened to you. i don't think you changed for me, i think you were just really yourself around me. you said that you felt like you weren't good enough. that was never it. but this you, this version of you that you pretend to be. partying all the time, sleeping with random girl, being a prick... none of that is you. and it makes me wonder if i broke you. 

you mean well, but you make this hard on me.

i learned the hard way, that they all say, the things you wanna hear. 

that is sooo tight.

TAYLOR SWIFT IS ON BAND HERO

(which is like rockband for nintendo ds fyi)

katenash you are amazing.

i can be alone, 

yeah i can watch the sunset, 

on my own,

 i can be alone. 

i know now that we were not the people that we turned out to be.

chatting on the phone, can't take back those hours;

but i won't regret cause you can grow flowers from where, dirt used to be. 

llaaatteerr ggaaattoorrr

dancing at discos, eating cheese on toast, yeah you make me merry make me very, very happy; but you obviously, you didn't want to stick around. 

so i learnt from you. 

a piece of each makes the puzzle whole.

put your heart on the line. say what you think. follow your heart. go after your dreams. remember where you came from. believe in yourself. believe in the possibility of love. believe in the inherent goodness of others. give a second chance; then a third and a fourth and a fifth. let go. breathe. ask questions. walk away. jump then fall. say goodbye to the people who only hurt you. the walls they put up to hold you back will fall down. find your place in the world. think tim mcgraw. burn that picture. come undone. say no. keep singing the song in the car. be a mess of a dreamer with the nerve to adore someone. run. look before you fall. come out alive, even if you're black and blue. count the colors in his eyes. don't hide anymore. stay beautiful. think twice before you let it all go. dare him to kiss you then run when he tries. be so in love that you act insane. play your song again. don't say a thing, just listen to the crickets sing. let the fire inside of you shine through. don't break a perfectly good heart. go back to every laugh. take the road less travelled by. let him miss you. don't be afraid of what love gives you and takes away. be the baby blue jeans, with the holes in the knees in the bottom of the top drawer. the sun will always chase the day. be good to yourself and be good to each other. don't break a heart slow. have a good time cleaning up someone else's mess. see sparks fly whenever he smiles. laugh on a park bench thinking, hey isn't this easy. don't answer the phone if it's going to break your heart. break all your rules to see him. you're beautiful, wonderful, don't you ever change. after everything, confess you need him. burn brighter than the sun.
be fearless.
most importantly, be yourself.

i think we could all benefit from being a little more like taylor.

we burned so bright together

you used to shine so bright, but i watched all of it fade.

sorry mr.m, there's only so much for you to read.

if only he knew how much i actually wrote.

will it ever end?

i think it's funny that sunshine always encouraged my writing. he always reminded me how much better it made me feel. although i sometimes wonder if by telling me to write, it meant he didn't have to listen. meh oh well. that's one thing i miss, his encouragment of my dreams, even though he didn't like where they left him. in fact i found the letter he wrote yesterday morning, the one to duke. and it reminded me of when i was studying for my sats and getting everything ready to apply and visiting north carolina to check out the scene. he was really supportive of the whole thing, maybe because since the day i met him, i told him that was where i belonged, maybe because he knew how important it was to me and how badly i wanted it. i remember right around the time i wrote my sats i was a nutcase. i didn't eat or sleep or do anything but stress. and he told me it would all be okay. he believed in me, prayed for me and then reminded me that it was MY dream. and i could make it come true... even though he didn't want me to go because it meant i left him here. and now, i'm almost wishing i had.

you ain't seen nothin' yet

"most people are stronger than they know, they just forget to believe in it sometimes."

i'm quoting baxt, but i think she's quoting peak season

obviously i love you... but i'm gonna get over it!

you are just another picture to burn.

in case you haven't heard,
i really, really hate that stupid old pickup truck you never let me drive.

you are enough.

so i may have had a little breakdown today. and by little i mean like elephant tears alone in my condo. i think sometimes crying just fixes things. it releases something that writing can't. and by actually telling phlg i actually felt so much better. telling her that i'm trying so hard to get over him and i just want it to happen faster. she kept saying it's going to take time. and i know that. i think it's just hard because everything reminds me of him. everything. and that's really hard. i mean three years is a long time for someone to be the centre of your universe and it's hard to let it go overnight. and when i'm trying to be all strong and brave and courageous, i have to remember i'm only human. and these things take time. i feel like he has a piece of me. and gg made such a good point. he was like bb you can't let someone keep a piece of you. and he's right. the piece of me he has, i want it back. i know it takes time and i just have to remember to let everyone else in. blocking everyone off isn't going to help me move on. i have good friends, people that support me and if i don't have them involved, if i don't let them in, it'll take me so much longer to move on alone. but i need to remember that drinking, it's not the answer. getting so drunk i can barely function is not going to make me feel better; actually it's probably going to make me do something i regret. i don't know i think i just need to stop being so hard on myself. i don't need him. you got that sunshine, i don't need you. i am better off. and i can and breathe without you. and i can live my life without wondering what you think. silly bb, it's time to move on. just let it go. breathe. and be yourself again. remember when you were the girl who didn't need anyone? be that girl again, only keep people in your life. you don't have to need them, but want them in your life. stop trying to take on the world without any help. BREATHE. and just be yourself. stop trying to be strong all the time and just let go. stop trying to keep your cool all the time. just say what you think, do what you want, be who you are. that's more than enough. and for the people it's not enough for, well they aren't needed enough to be in your life.

relax dear, breathe.

i think this blog is an escape for me. i think that the best part is that no one knows about it. well s does but i don't think she reads it. and i think that if she did well she might see i was trying to helpful even if i maybe overstepped my boundaries a little. i think its invigorating to say what i want without any judgement, it's not just words bumping into my head, it's real when it's written. i think if people read it, then i might filter it. i wouldn't actually say most of the things i want to. which is a shame because this is the one real place i can actually be completely honest.

is it selfish to get a good feeling when you hear this?

it's a really nice feeling to have someone tell you they think you're prettier than your sister.

11+1

hey you. i've been thinking lots about you. and i don't really know why. i just miss you maybe. the calm. maybe i'm trying to pull you close to get rid of him. i do not know. but i know i want to talk like we used to. and cuddle. my gosh i miss cuddling with you. and the safety of your arms. damn i hate missing everything about you.

it's been a weekend of nostalgia to say the least.

okay. it's been far too long. thursday night was interesting. the hockey game was actually supremely fun. my drive home alone, pretty good. drive to the hocky game, decent. drive home, unreal. oh except for when the weather was absolutely awful and i almost got in like an 8 car pile up. but then they sang for me and made me feel better. haha especially with the text messages about 'the devil'. also the hockey game itself was beyond entertaining. apparently brooke is great is fun to chant and beaking the red wings and being on the jumbotron and tv was ever so enertaining. then apparently 'the devil' got mad ltl. and ce was really quite funny.
friday was a nice day. busy, nice to see old friends. seeing mrs. b was especially nice. i really like her. i like how much she genuinely cares about me. and she talks to me like i'm such an important person, she treats me like an adult, but like i'm another one of her kids. she's interested in what i'm doing in life and she's just so nice. she's so accepting. i don't know, she gave me this sort of solace. like the kind of solace momma b (momma sunshine) used to give me, like when she tried to hide my grad present because she knew that i would tell her how unnecessary it was. or when i walked into the house and she told me i looked like a princess. or when she'd make me tea and let me use her laptop so we could do our homework together hang out for just a little bit longer; apparently me being at your house since like 3 in the afternoon and sleeping in your bed all night and going with you to calgary all day isn't quite enough. it was never enough. aannyyywaayyss. post volleyball game and seeing b^2:) i watched a nice movie with cw and her cousin before i went home to pass out. oh did i mention that i went to supper with the penta-pod. cwx2, phlg, os and myself. it was nice, not quite earls but it passed. it wasn't really a goodbye, i'm not sure i can say goodbye. i still don't really know what i think of that whole situation but that's an entirely different topic. saturday=halloween=extremely lame. drive, drive, drive. ltl needs to like not try and fall in love with the e girls, they're wonderful but going back and forth seems like a poor idea. i think i was so flustered that night because i feel so torn some days. and it sucks because when i felt torn i hung out with my #12 or my sunshine. and that always took away the feeling of being pulled in like eighteen million directions. since when is getting along with everyone a bad thing. like fighting over me being friends with 'the devil' and her ditching me and me just doing what she wanted. it's just kind of silly. then having her be like wait whoa brether is there. sweet. like i just am so confused. why can't everyone just like get alone. relax. chill out. i don't know, maybe i'm crazy. i'm tired and the last few days i have been doing silly things. i'm sick. and babbling and yeaaah. end of weekend.

post one-hundred. of course it'd be about sunshine.

i hate hearing that song. or looking at a picture of you, of us. i hate seeing the happiness. the comfortability. the knowing i know you better than you know yourself. knowing you know me better than i know myself. i hate knowing that you could smile a certain way, or look at me a certain way and know exactly what i was thinking. i hate knowing we can have an entire conversation without saying a word. i hate that seeing any red tacoma makes me do a double take and fight back tears. i hate that she put out a new cd and all i wanted to do was drop a copy off. i hate that as soon as i heard the songs, all i could do was think of you. i hate the memories. i hate that there is nothing i can do, no one i can see that doesn't remind me of you. i hate that i can't go to a stupid volleyball game without someone asking me about you. i hate that i can't listen to taylor swift without fighting with everything inside me to not cry. i hate that i can't go to starbucks without thinking about what you'd want. i hate that i can't listen to sexy can i or any other song on my ipod or cds without somehow being reminded of you. i hate that i can't hang out with my friends, our friends without thinking of you. i hate hearing or thinking 'you belong together, you're meant to be'. i just hate that everything and anything that i do or say or see reminds me of you. i hate the memories of you. i know that's selfish and that it's unfair to wish away all the greatness that it was. it's selfish to wish you away. it's selfish to wish that i could forget you. selfish and immature. it's selfish to pretend to hate you. it's selfish to want to hate you. but i do, want to hate you that is.
mostly, i hate that i don't hate you.
because hate is just so much easier than love.