enough said.

Insecurity.

silly girls falling in love with silly boys.

DVZ and I are talking about trust and feelings and relationships. It makes me realize the more we talk that I'm not really over number twelve like at all. I mean I hit a point where I'm okay without him because I know that I need to be. But I'm not completely okay without him. I would be lying if I didn't say that I missed him every single day. I would be lying if I said I didn't dream about waking up with him next to me.

One more time.

I texted number twelve on Wednesday night. I know I shouldn't have, but I did. And I can't take it back. The weird part, is that he answered me last night at like 11:30. I am blown away a little bit. Like if you weren't going to answer for 2 days, why bother. I answered him back a few minutes ago, apologized and told him why I texted him. We'll see if/how he responds.

Crazy.

I hear them saying, you'll never change things.

"As long as one heart still holds on, hope is never really gone."
-Garth Brooks.

Do-overs

Where exactly did you first kiss the last person you kissed? 
Probably Studio 54 hahahah
When exactly was the last time you kissed them? 
A few months ago. 
How many hours of sleep did you get last night? 
7
Where did you sleep last night? 
my bed.
Are you legal to drink? 
Yeah, all over the world. I'm getting old. 
Do you straighten your hair? 
Some days. My hair looks nicer if I curl it though. 
What's the closest black thing to you? 
My TV probably... or the clicker. 
When is your birthday? 
September. 
What color shirt are you wearing? 
Grey and black. 
Do you have a best friend? 
My sister is my best friend. 
What are you saving your money up for right now? 
I need to make more money in order to save it. Mostly just paying off my Credit Cards. I'd like to buy a new vehicle soon though. 
Is there any chance you will kiss the person you have feelings for? 
I highly doubt it, that would require actually speaking to him. It's probably not a good idea anyways. Then I would fall back into it. 
Could you go out in public looking like you do now? 
Nope, too cold to go outside in this. 
Do you have any jewelery on? 
Just my Clauddaugh ring. 
What flavor ice cream did you last have? 
K brought me an oreo cheesecake blizzard tonight. 
How many pillows do you sleep with? 
Three.  
How was last weekend? 
I spent most of it working. 
Can you recall the last time you liked someone? 
i have loved the same someone for 6 years. 
Who was the last person's voice you heard? 
K.
What kind of pizza was the last kind you had? 
Meat something. 
Have you had the chicken pox? 
When I was a little gapher. 
What's your current problem? 
School is really busy. My biggest problem is the age-old always missing number twelve. 
Do you believe in this saying: What goes around comes around? 
I think that at the end of the day, we all have our own battles. We have our own challenges and maybe some people need a few more chances. 
Do you wear your seatbelt in the car? 
Every single time. 
If the year consisted of only one season, which would you choose? 
Fall. I absolutely love fall. I am a nerd, I like school and my birthday, the changing of the leaves and all the beautiful layers. 
What was on your mind mostly today? 
Number twelve, work, school. 
Are there some songs you can't listen to because they remind you of someone? 
There's none I can't listen to. There's a few that are very difficult and end in tears.  
Last night, did you go to sleep smiling? 
Probably not smiling, but content. 
What was the highlight of today? 
Wine. It's always wine. 
Do you hate anyone? 
Hate is a really strong word. I don't think I hate anyone. 
In the next 5 months, what are you looking forward to most? 
The opportunities that staying in Lethvegas will provide this summer. 
Do you wish you had the chance to tell someone something right now?
Yes, I have been strongly considering talking to number twelve lately. A lot. There are so many things I have to say, I wouldn't even know where to start. 
Who was the last person you talked to on the phone? 
Good question. I had to look at my phone, I talked to daddy last night. 
Have you ever wasted too much time on a certain boy or girl? 
No time is wasted. I've spent a lot of time on number twelve.  
Do you think someone is thinking about you right now? 
I hope so. 
Has anyone disappointed you recently? 
Nah, I'm kind of over the disappointment in other people thing. I just don't put any trust into anyone anymore. If anyone, it'd be JP but that's no surprise. She has a boyfriend, she's that kind of girl. At the end of the day, she's happy so I guess it's no use being disappointed, it's just the way it is. 
At this moment in time, do you wish you could trade places with someone? 
I like who I am. I wish I could see some peoples perspectives but I don't want to trade places. 
What color is your hair? 
Mm mostly natural. I haven't dyed it since September. 
What's the weather like outside? 
It was actually like 5 degrees last time I checked. It's been pretty nice today. 
What are you doing tonight? 
Watching Grey's, homework, getting ready for bed soon. 
If you could push one person off of a mountain, who would it be? 
Bold strategy cotton, I wouldn't!
Do you think you will be in a relationship three months from now? 
Doubtful. I'm not the relationship type. That'd mean opening up to someone else. 
Do you want to fix things with anybody? 
I'd love to. I don't really know how to fix it though. 
Could you go the rest of your life without drinking alcohol? 
I don't honestly think so. I love wine. 
What do you do during a thunderstorm? 
Drive. Listen. Absorb. 
When is the last time you were amused? 
This morning my manager I hate actually made one of the funniest jokes it was so ridiculous. K and I also had such a funny time when he got home tonight. 
Is there someone who continuously lets you down? 
I don't really let anybody else let me down because I don't have high enough hopes for them. If anyone lets me down, it's me. 
Where did you get the pants you are wearing from? 
Lulu lemon. 
What do you think about nude beaches? 
I think if you're confident enough to be on a  nude beach, good for you. However, I am not. 
Where is your best friend right now? 
B is in RD. 
Do you drink on a regular basis? 
ahahahaha I'm practically an alcoholic. I literally have wine or beer like 5 nights a week. 
Have your parents ever searched your room or personal belongings?
I don't think so. Probably but they never really told me. 
Have you ever been caught skipping class? 
Yes but I never really got in that much trouble. 
Who has your heart? 
Number twelve. He's always had it, I never really got it back. 
Ever been suspended? 
I'm not badass enough. If I was caught for some of my actions in high school, I might have been. 

if you married the last person you texted what would your last name be? 
texted: Baker or VanZandt. 
bbm: iPhone nation ya'll 
what would happen if you had a kid with the last person you kissed?
I'd be tripping down the stairs. 
what did you do today?
Worked, Homework, Grey's. 
do you know a secret about your last ex that would embarrass them?
I don't know. Maybe. I would never tell anyone his secrets. 
who will you be sleeping with tonight?
My blanket. 
do you do your own laundry?
Yep, sometimes K changes it though and that's nice. 
are you getting engaged any time soon?
Gross, no. I want a pretty ring but I'm nowhere near ready for marriage. 
what's the best part about being single?
Nobody can hurt you and it is so much fun. 
do you watch the hills?
I like that show but it's been over for years. 
wearing any bracelets?
Yuck I don't like things on my wrists. 
last thing someone bought for you?
Blizzard. 
do you feel awkward when strangers say hi to you?
No, I think it's nice. 
are you any different now than you were a year ago?
It's not even comparable. 
are you taller than your mom?
Yep, I am a giant. 
is anything upsetting you right now?
Not really. 
what's the farthest away from home you've ever been?
japan, I think. 
do you hate being alone?
No, usually I like it. 
who was the last person you cried in front of?
Mom probably. 
what's on your agenda for tomorrow?
Gym, homework, work, bed. 
if you could be with one person right now, who would it be?
Number twelve. 
does anyone know your password except you?
Probably, GC picked it out when I was like 14. 
did you have a good day yesterday?
I guess. Long is the best description. 
does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?
No, not really. I like sex. 
have your parents ever caught you drinking?
Yes hahahaha but now they drink with me. 
last december, what was your love life like?
Like a month and a half ago? Non-existent. Laxt year, number twelve was still at the center of my universe. 
do you wash your hair in the shower?
Most days. 
what is your biggest fear?
Not getting my happy ending. 
when was the last time someone held your hand?
A long, long time ago. Actually, monkey probably held it last time I went to Calgary. 
last nap?
I'm not sure. 
have you ever been kissed in a car?
Yep. 
how are you feeling right now?
Tired. Yearning a little bit. 
have you ever been with someone who treated you like crap?
I've never dated anyone who has, number twelve had his moments, not when we were dating though. I have fallen for enough boys that do though. 
where would you like to be right now?
On a beach. Or, in number twelve's arms.  
could you go the rest of your life without smoking a cigarette?
Yuck, definitely. 
what were you doing at 10:17 pm last night?
Pop's. 
are you afraid to grow up?
What does that even mean.
what was/is your worst subject in school?
Probably science. 
do you have a secret that you've never told anyone?
I don't tell people a lot of things.  
last time you fell?
Probably within a week. 
last place you took a plane to?
I would assume home from Costa Rica. 
have you ever been around someone that was high?
I'm pretty sure K is blazing as I type this. 
two words to explain why you last threw up?
Puke and Rally. 
what are your plans for the weekend?
Going home and cuddling my monkeys. 
ever kissed someone who smokes?
Yes, smoking is nasty.  
how many children do you plan on having?
None. 
what is something you wish you had more of?
Time. 
what were you like a year ago?
Broken. Longing. 
how many times is 'a' in your full name?
3
what time was it two hours ago?
10:13
what's the weather like outside?
I don't know. 
who are you currently texting?
DVZ and B. 
are your fingernails painted?
Nope hahaha.