Saturday, February 28, 2015
You are maddening.
"No matter how maddening their idiosyncrasies are, you love them. Repeat that over and over again until you believe it."
Thursday, February 26, 2015
Come on.
Why does everything for moving out have to be so expensive? I mean the lowest version of the blender I want is 500$.
Illogical. Frustration.
I was a little bit put off by some things said to me on Sunday. I think it's really annoying that girls think I've slept with J. Like in the summer it was a joke and occasionally J makes references to it but usually not in front of people.
When BC said to me like it's no big deal, like M went on a date with J so when they told me you slept with him I just thought meh, whatever; that's J. Well first of all, that's not J. And second of all, that's not me. I was like are you kidding me, who told you that? She's like a few people actually. And I was like that really bothers me that people are talking about that. And she's like why he's attractive who cares? And I told her, yeah but I have NEVER slept with J; I've never even kissed J. Nothing. Nada. Zip. Zilch.
I don't appreciate that girls talk about me and J behind my back. Like I could literally care less if they were just talking about me because they don't like me. I'm used to that, I expect that. But it's not fair to say I slept my way to where I am in that business because it's just not true. Certainly, I would consider J and I significantly closer than he is with the majority of his employees, T and I are becoming closer and CG and I are good friends. But CG fucks me over and has blatantly admitted she will put me in a shittier section because she knows I don't care, I'll suck it up and not complain. J has pulled me off serving 2 hours before my shift to be on the floor for 9$ an hour. I don't exactly see how that is favouritism. In fact, it is the exact opposite. It's a trust thing, a hard work thing. If I didn't work to a place where they recognized my competency, I wouldn't be given more responsibility. If I were sleeping with J, I would likely not ever give up a Friday or Saturday serving shift in the best section because well, I'm sleeping with him so I could have whatever I wanted. Perhaps if my goal was to become a manager or pursue a career in the industry it would be different. But I have a full-time job. This is not my livelihood. I do it for fun and they know that and I still don't get what I want all the time. I have to take hits sometimes because I can and the boys and CG know that.
When BC said to me like it's no big deal, like M went on a date with J so when they told me you slept with him I just thought meh, whatever; that's J. Well first of all, that's not J. And second of all, that's not me. I was like are you kidding me, who told you that? She's like a few people actually. And I was like that really bothers me that people are talking about that. And she's like why he's attractive who cares? And I told her, yeah but I have NEVER slept with J; I've never even kissed J. Nothing. Nada. Zip. Zilch.
I don't appreciate that girls talk about me and J behind my back. Like I could literally care less if they were just talking about me because they don't like me. I'm used to that, I expect that. But it's not fair to say I slept my way to where I am in that business because it's just not true. Certainly, I would consider J and I significantly closer than he is with the majority of his employees, T and I are becoming closer and CG and I are good friends. But CG fucks me over and has blatantly admitted she will put me in a shittier section because she knows I don't care, I'll suck it up and not complain. J has pulled me off serving 2 hours before my shift to be on the floor for 9$ an hour. I don't exactly see how that is favouritism. In fact, it is the exact opposite. It's a trust thing, a hard work thing. If I didn't work to a place where they recognized my competency, I wouldn't be given more responsibility. If I were sleeping with J, I would likely not ever give up a Friday or Saturday serving shift in the best section because well, I'm sleeping with him so I could have whatever I wanted. Perhaps if my goal was to become a manager or pursue a career in the industry it would be different. But I have a full-time job. This is not my livelihood. I do it for fun and they know that and I still don't get what I want all the time. I have to take hits sometimes because I can and the boys and CG know that.
You deserve it.
Dear self,
Find the strength to be strong. Stay busy. Think about yourself. You are strong and intelligent and independent. You can do it without him. So now, take the time. Be busy. Pack without him. Shop without him. Move without him. Let him make the effort. Let him offer to help. You have more than enough on your plate without worrying how he feels. You don't need to find out how he is or if he likes your furniture. This is about you. He already told you he likes what you've chosen so far. This is a chance for him to make the effort to support you. Let him. You will be okay without him. I promise. This place, it's everything that you wanted. You're the one who's worked for it. You're the one who has spent the last few months preparing to make it all yours. You can do this on your own. It's what you promised yourself. You promised yourself you'd do it alone. So do it. All of it. Make everything yours and don't wait for anybody else's opinion. You have the opportunity to make it yours and make it beautiful and make it everything you've ever wanted. So do it. For you, because you deserve it.
Love,
self.
Find the strength to be strong. Stay busy. Think about yourself. You are strong and intelligent and independent. You can do it without him. So now, take the time. Be busy. Pack without him. Shop without him. Move without him. Let him make the effort. Let him offer to help. You have more than enough on your plate without worrying how he feels. You don't need to find out how he is or if he likes your furniture. This is about you. He already told you he likes what you've chosen so far. This is a chance for him to make the effort to support you. Let him. You will be okay without him. I promise. This place, it's everything that you wanted. You're the one who's worked for it. You're the one who has spent the last few months preparing to make it all yours. You can do this on your own. It's what you promised yourself. You promised yourself you'd do it alone. So do it. All of it. Make everything yours and don't wait for anybody else's opinion. You have the opportunity to make it yours and make it beautiful and make it everything you've ever wanted. So do it. For you, because you deserve it.
Love,
self.
Wednesday, February 25, 2015
You love someone because you love them, not because you expect it back.
You can't love someone into loving you. I get that. But do you think you can love someone enough that you learn to love yourself?
I don't know. I have been thinking a lot about J the last few days. And yesterday I had reached a point where I decided I wasn't going to talk to him for a few days this week and just kind of see how he would react. And I had talked myself into it and thought about all the ways it would be good for me and that I was strong enough to fight it.
But then today I went for my massage. And literally the first thing she said to me when I walked in was, "your boss was here yesterday". So I asked J or T? And she's like J of course! I thought he must've told you to call because you called while he was getting his massage.
So I was already like is that a coincidence because it's a weird one.
So then I had my massage and it was great actually and then after she basically asked why I wasn't dating him yet. And it's so hard for my because I basically want my response to every person who asks me that question to be why don't you ask him?
So she's like J still single why you no like him? He's good-looking man and nice, very nice. He work too and same age. I was like oh we're pretty good friends now and he's a bit older than me. She asked how much so I told her and she says oh that's nothing!
I kind of wish that she would say to him, "J, B is single why you no like her?"
I think I just get the most frustrated when people ask why we aren't dating because I actually don't know. People have told us we are dating and we're the only ones who don't know it yet.
And in a lot of ways I can understand why they'd think that. We share a bond that is undeniable. There is a chemistry and an understanding we share for one another. There's a love. And I don't know if it will ever be a romantic love but I can honestly say that I love him, unconditionally. I don't like everything he does and says and he can be frustrating as hell. But I would do anything he asked me to if I knew it mattered to him. And he does most of the things that matter to me. And lately I have received more pressure than ever to say something to him but I don't even know how. I wouldn't know where to begin. I mean I often wish I could just ask him why he does all the things he does for me. Because from that answer I could at least get a reading maybe on how he feels. Right now he sends mixed signals, left, right and centre.
I guess I just want to know where his head's at but I have no idea how to ask.
I don't know. I have been thinking a lot about J the last few days. And yesterday I had reached a point where I decided I wasn't going to talk to him for a few days this week and just kind of see how he would react. And I had talked myself into it and thought about all the ways it would be good for me and that I was strong enough to fight it.
But then today I went for my massage. And literally the first thing she said to me when I walked in was, "your boss was here yesterday". So I asked J or T? And she's like J of course! I thought he must've told you to call because you called while he was getting his massage.
So I was already like is that a coincidence because it's a weird one.
So then I had my massage and it was great actually and then after she basically asked why I wasn't dating him yet. And it's so hard for my because I basically want my response to every person who asks me that question to be why don't you ask him?
So she's like J still single why you no like him? He's good-looking man and nice, very nice. He work too and same age. I was like oh we're pretty good friends now and he's a bit older than me. She asked how much so I told her and she says oh that's nothing!
I kind of wish that she would say to him, "J, B is single why you no like her?"
I think I just get the most frustrated when people ask why we aren't dating because I actually don't know. People have told us we are dating and we're the only ones who don't know it yet.
And in a lot of ways I can understand why they'd think that. We share a bond that is undeniable. There is a chemistry and an understanding we share for one another. There's a love. And I don't know if it will ever be a romantic love but I can honestly say that I love him, unconditionally. I don't like everything he does and says and he can be frustrating as hell. But I would do anything he asked me to if I knew it mattered to him. And he does most of the things that matter to me. And lately I have received more pressure than ever to say something to him but I don't even know how. I wouldn't know where to begin. I mean I often wish I could just ask him why he does all the things he does for me. Because from that answer I could at least get a reading maybe on how he feels. Right now he sends mixed signals, left, right and centre.
I guess I just want to know where his head's at but I have no idea how to ask.
Tuesday, February 24, 2015
Intriguing.
"Shyness has a strange element of narcissism, a belief that how we look, how we perform, is truly important to other people."
- Andre Dubus
- Andre Dubus
Mindfulness.
"Being mindful is not a matter of thinking more clearly about experience; it is the act of experiencing more clearly, including the arising of thoughts themselves. Mindfulness is the vivid awareness of whatever is appearing in one's mind or body-- thoughts, sensations, moods-- without grasping at the pleasant or recoiling from the unpleasant. One of the great strengths of this technique of meditation, from a secular point of view, is that it does not require us to adopt any cultural affectations or unjustified beliefs. It simply demands that we pay close attention to the flow of experience in each moment."
-Sam Harris
-Sam Harris
On ripping J's clothes off.
The conversation started with "ripping his clothes off would be nice too". And I said, "they are expensive! I can't afford that shit!"
We are funny.
We are funny.
Monday, February 23, 2015
Stupefied.
It is inconceivable how much J has changed my life.
I have been reading my blog and it is honestly unfathomable how much I have grown and learned about myself in the last year. It is overwhelming to see how much things have changed between him and I and how quickly I knew he would impact my life.
I have been reading my blog and it is honestly unfathomable how much I have grown and learned about myself in the last year. It is overwhelming to see how much things have changed between him and I and how quickly I knew he would impact my life.
I'm funny.
I am so fucking funny. I have been reading through my blog and I'm literally cracking myself up at how witty I am.
Sunday, February 22, 2015
ugh.
I think it's tough because I overthink everything. I analyze and reanalyze and overanalyze everything over and over. And then he does things like he did Thursday. I ask him if he can maybe do something for me and he says oh I spent the day at the dump and cleaning out my truck for you. And it's like okay great that was really nice of you. BUT why did you do that?! I didn't ask you to do that, I don't even know if I will need your truck. And now I feel guilty that he did that for me. And I have barely spoken to him in 3 days and I'm nervous to see him tonight with JB because I need to be calm and cool and collected and I don't know if I can do that. I need to be apathetic and disinterested, but I'm not. And I have to pretend to be which is a problem because I am the shittiest liar EVER.
When the lights go out.
It's so frustrating because the littlest things happen and it's almost like it's God's way of telling me it's fate or to be patient or something. Like I was just thinking about Arsenal and him and how they are in 3rd now and Champions League and such and his stupid song came on.
Like yesterday I was just flustered with him and today I can't wait to see him. It's annoying. He's so up and down and so are my feelings. I mean I always have feelings for him but sometimes they are entirely frustration and others it's complete admiration.
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