we're like todd and copper

goodbye may seem like forever, a farewell is like the end;
but in my heart's a memory and there you'll always be.

story of my life.. keep on going.

so as i write my deadly long paper that i finally am ready to write after an excruciating number of hours researching and planning I turned on itunes... 

"if you're going through hell, keep on going; don't slow down."

baby, i'm amazed by you.

every time our eyes meet, this feeling inside me is almost more than i can take.

tonight i wanna cry.

see i've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show;
and i thought that being strong meant never losing self control.

you shouldn't have said that.

it has been at the very least, 7 months since you called me girly.
and you even added the damn

procrastination at it's best.

you know what i just realized... i realized that last year at the same time i was thinking fairly similarly about number twelve to the way i am now. and i waited like another 4 months to say anything.. i think maybe talking to him would be a great idea because then we don't have the not really sure where we stand thing. but the only problem is that i don't really know where i want to stand. i mean it'd be nice to be together, but we can't actually 'be together'. it's like an emotionally together, see you once a month, if that kind of together. and if i am going to say okay what are we, i don't really know what you'd say back. and to be perfectly honest, i don't really know what i'd want you to say back. 

i want to put myself out there, i want to for once say what i want and do what i feel instead of just pretending it doesn't bother me and i don't think about it. for real though, like if i knew i could  be in the kind of relationship that was 2 hours away(following the speed limit of course) then i might be okay with it. maybe that's part of why it didn't work, it was too easy last time. except it really wasn't easy at all; it was complicated and messy. 

i just hate that with like a few words about nothing at all, you make me smile. i haven't had that in a long time. it's not even when you're saying something funny, it's when you say anything. i used to be addicted to my phone, like blackberry pearl=life. but then i got my new one and i didn't add the people that i didn't really care to speak to anymore. i deleted people i don't need. and i stopped talking to lots of people just to talk. dragon even pointed out yesterday that i'm not really on my phone anymore when i'm with her and she finds it weird. and i was like well i guess i just deleted sunshine and he and i talked from the time we woke up to the time we went to bed so it was just convenient to talk to other people. and then when i told him i don't want that anymore, that i wanted to move on i just didn't care to see my phone as much. my face didn't light up when i got bbms. and i just didn't really feel like it had the same importance. 

but then number 12 and i started talking and my face literally lights up when i know it's from him. like i smile when he says anything just because of the way he says it. just the support, the stability, the reminding me of my worth when i'm feeling a bit down, the stupid little things about his day. any of it. i just smile genuinely again.

procrastination.

dear university of calgary,

please stop assigning more work before finals. i am about ready to jump off a bridge because of this stupid history essay (and i'm good at essays), and on top of that there is a new major sociology assignment. and a psych midterm next week along with the rest of my psych homework. oh and did i mention the 8 million hours of reading i have to do.

and study for finals. perfect, thanks. 

the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else.

do you think it's okay to replace someone you loved. or is that cheating. i can't figure out if i'm actually over him or if i'm just pretending he's not there, again, because i don't avoid him completely. this time it's easy, we don't go to the same school so there's no chance of seeing him in the halls. he's not in any of my classes like before. we don't hang out with many of the same people anymore; at least, not at the same time. 

i'm still super on the fence about friday. i want to go, i do but i just don't know if it will reverse the progress. and yet, i haven't felt this healthy in 3 years. i mean maybe i should talk to number twelve being that he will be choked if i go; however, in saying that he might encourage me to go as a test. so he knows if i'm really over him or if we are going to have a repeat of last time. 

i'm just really not sure what to do. 

i'm stumped. 

not me, 12 it is.

you know how they say 23 can be derived from any combination of anything.

[1x12][1+11][2x6][2+10][3x4][3+9][4+8][5+7][6+6]

i just realized that november 12 was the day of number twelve.

i can love you like that.

they read you cinderella, you hoped it would come true;
that one day your prince charming would come rescue you.
you like romantic movies, and you never will forget;
the way you felt when romeo kissed juliet.

and exactly a year ago i wanted to tell him the same thing.

as much as i worry about you with other girls, dragon made a pretty good point yesterday. she's like seriously dude, he wouldn't even think twice about another girl if he was with you. he wouldn't even look at another girl even if you said he could sleep with one. you need to remember who we are talking about. he is head over heels for you and when everyone said he'd never speak to you again, you said not happening. you said no i care too much and i want him in my life. and she's right. i finally put myself out there and poured my heart out and he's like it's okay. all of it. it's okay now. it doesn't matter anymore. he's like thank you. i'm really glad you told me that. we are okay now.

can we really do this again number twelve.

so i was going to talk to him and then i changed my mind because i realized 1:15 am isn't the best time when you're gonna be up at 6. so i told him not to worry, and of course he's like no no you have to tell me now. and i'm like you know i think i'm okay, i just have been all over the place and our of it and lack of sleep and i'm stressed out and over analyzing. he's like well are you sure, i mean you know you can always talk to me.
i couldn't answer. i wanted to be like no, that's the problem. it's not fair for you to say that. to be like you know i'm always here, i'll do anything. you're not really here though. the days i just need to lay in your arms to just feel safe, to feel like everything's okay. i can't drive the 2 minutes to your house to do that anymore. i can't call you and say babe, i need a hug and know you'll be there as soons as you can to give me a hug.
i just hate that i'm doing this again. falling back into this. i don't want a long distance relationship. i don't want to only get to see you every so often. i don't want to wonder what you're doing with other girls. i don't want to wonder how long it'll be until i can see you, until i can lay in your arms. i just want you to be here. mine. i want you.

when the stars go blue.

where do you go when you're lonely?
where do you go when you're blue?
where do you go when you're lonely; i'll follow you.

i can't help thinking of you, and the way you look tonight.

i'm here without you baby, but you're still on my lonely mind.
i think about you baby, and i dream about you all the time.

i hate my indecisive nature.

i sometimes wish that i didn't over analyze every situation in my life. i sometimes wish that i didn't have to look at every possible angle, every possible outcome, every possible consequence. i wish i didn't second guess myself, and third and fourth and fifth guess too. i just don't know what the outcome of this will be. i feel stronger that i ever have. i feel like i don't need you at all. and i feel like i might have a chance to salvage our friendship. the friendship that people were jealous of, that people tried to ruin on numerous occasions, the friendship that seemed unbreakable. until you made my heart break one too many times.
i'm just not sure that friendship is worth losing him anymore. and i know if you come back, he leaves. i'm scared that i will feel what i used to feel. and i don't want to feel that again. i don't want you in my heart anymore. i want him there. and i just don't know if having you back is worth the chance that i might lose him.
our friendship got me through some pretty dark days, you got me through some pretty dark days. and all along you were like brooke, YOU can do this, you're strong enough, smart enough, amazing enough. you made me believe in myself and i thank you for that. but you broke my heart too. and that led to me breaking his.
i might possibly have a slight chance to salvage what i had with him, and to me it seems like that is more worth it. i don't know what i want yet. and i just don't know how i'll feel if i see you. i don't know if i'm ready to face you yet. i just don't know what to do.

i'm not perfect, but i am who i am.

"who you are is who you are; we're liars, we're theives, we're addicts.
we take our happiness for granted until we hurt ourselves, or someone else.
we hold grudges and when faced with our mistakes, we reinvent the past, we reinvent ourselves; at least, we try.
we're prideful and we are lustful and we are incredibly flawed; and eventually, our flaws catch up to us."

we are who we are, but sometimes, we find integrity; and that integrity, rare as it might be, is perhaps the only way to avoid these things.

xoxo gossip girl.

"sometimes it's after the curtains close that the real reckonings come;
whether it's about who we wish we were, or who we wish we could be.
or who we want."

i promise i will not fall back in love with you.

i promise myself i will not let him get in the way of the whatever it is with number twelve.
i promise myself that i will not you and your stupid self get in the way of how i feel about him.
i promise myself that i will not let you ruin how well i'm doing, how hapy i am or how much i have changed.

we are done sunshine. and you won't ruin this.

you know what no.
i'm not going to let you ruin any more days.
you've ruined enough days. and i'm done with that.
i am doing so well without you. and i refuse to let you ruin it.
you will not ruin my happiness. i love trc, he is my big brother and i miss him. and i can't think of anything better to do on friday night that go our for the wife's birthday.
so basically, i'll have a wicked time with you there or without you there.
and if you try and ruin it i will tell you where to go and how to get there.

seriously sunshine. i don't even talk to you and you find a way to ruin my day.

you could write a book on how to ruin someone's perfect day.

and yes, i know how much i overanalyze.

"just let whatever happens happen, don't think about it."

well isn't that the story of life. i always try to tell myself if it's meant to be, it'll be. i'm a pretty big believer in things will work out the way they're supposed to. i'm not sure if you call it fate though because i think we create our own fate. we create our destiny. every choice we make, conscious or unconsciously, knowing the consequences, not knowing the consequences, we still choose what happens to us. and we choose how we deal with it. i had a mad argument one day with someone who was like well what about the family that got hit by a drunk driver and were killed. well in all honesty, no they didn't know they were going to be hit by a drunk driver, but they chose to be where they were when they were and if they had've left 5 minutes earlier it could've saved their life. but they didn't therefore, they chose their fate. i mean they made that choice and therefore, it was supposed to happen like that.
now i'm not overly religious. i have my beliefs, and i'm not afraid of them but i sometime question why i believe what i believe. am i just a mess of a dreamer? am i unrealistic? or just plain crazy? i don't know i am who i am and i'm okay with it.

yes lauren conrad, i know exactly what you mean.

"you know how there's always that one person that you always go back to? you'll date other people but you kind of want to run into them while you're out..."

it's funny how time passing by can change your perspective.

i think it's time to get off itunes.

the moment you decided to let love in.

oh grow up itunes.

like really, letter to me. just go away and stop knowing me so well.

getting into you- relient k
old dances- kate nash
nothing special- illscarlett
available- akon and flo rida
fluorescent adolescence- kate nash
what kinda gone- chris cagle
starts with goodbye- carrie underwood
what's left of me- rodney atkins
someone like you- tyler hilton
the glory of love- bette middler
letter to me- brad paisley

seriously itunes shuffle, i'm in tears right now.

you've got to give a little, take a little,
and let your poor heart break a little;
that's the story of, that's the glory of love.

you've got to laugh a little, cry a little,
until the clouds roll by a little;
that's the story of, that's the glory of love.

as long as there's two of us;
we've got the world and all it's charms.
and when the world is through with us;
we've got each others arms.

you've got to win a little, lose a little,
yes, and always have the blues a little;
that's the story of, that's the glory of love.

that's the story of, that's the glory of love.

you're overanalyzing again bb.

maybe i should just talk to him about it?

maybe i'll just flip a coin.

so i was thinking about it. like an open relationship. i remember talking to sunshine about it once like what we think about open relationships and he was like man i think nothing's wrong with them. and i was like what the f no way. open relationships no ew that's just cheating.
and then i thought about the situation i'm in. like an open relationship with number 12, what would that be like. i mean we live only like and hour and a bit away from one another(depending how much you speed and how bad traffic is in cow-town). and then i was thinking about it.. like if it was open then it would be more half open i think. if i were in a relationship, especially with him, i don't think i could do anything with anyone else.
i mean i wouldn't be happy with an open relationship but i think i could deal with it. i couldn't ask him, after everything, to just commit to me when i can't be fully with him. like he's an 18 year old boy in his first year of university. i just don't think that's a fair thing to ask of someone, to be faithful to you when they are just living life.
but in saying that, i don't know if he would ever be okay with it. he knows i'd deal with it, but i don't know if he could do it because he'd know it would bother me a little. i don't know if i'd rather know or not know. and i mean antelope hunter would eventually tell me, like always, so i guess it's more like who would i rather hear it from. but he knows how i feel about that kinda stuff and he stopped anything with every other girl for over 6 months because he knew that i just wasn't into that sort of thing. so it makes me wonder what he'd do now.
especially because when i was talking to him the other day, the night i stayed at phlg's i was like hey can you at least wait until i'm out of lethbridge before you sleep with some other girl. and he's like really. like really you just said that. you know that i'm not like that. and i told him i knew more than he thought i did and that i just like respect the fact he's an 18 year old boy in university and i know we are not really anything right now so it's okay. like he doesn't owe me anything.
i just am so confused. i don't know what i want. yes, i want him. but i don't know if i want to put myself through the whole not being in a real relationship thing. starting a relationship like this. i just don't know if it's all worth it.

dear b, you're an idiot.

pefect, i get to go to lethbridge to pay a parking ticket.
really? okay so i'll get to see the boys. but still.
i told phlg and she's like dude just stay with c and c (antelope hunter and #12)
and i was like i don't know if i want to, i'm scared.
hahaha you're scared.
not scared to sleep with him thanks, scared i'm falling for him again. and i don't want to because that is so not fair to him. i can't explain it really. i always really cared about number 12 but i was always just so scared becuase of what sunshine did so i did everything i could to push number 12 away. and then once i finally let go of sunshine i realized how bad i messed up withings with number 12 for no reason.

seriously itunes game??

"do you know what you're getting yourself into?
i'm getting into you because you got to me in a way words can't describe. "

don't you know i miss you bad.

lean off the gas and off the clutch,
i need you in a rush;
so baby run.

me and my stupid pride are sitting here alone.

baby, if you know everything tell me why you couldn't see, when i left i wanted you to chase after me.

i don't need you but i do, i do, i do.

and i'm broke down crying; wish we weren't this messed
after everything in that little black dress,
after everything, i must confuess;
i need you.

i really miss that feeling.

you held me in your arms, like before.
and that feeling came back, the calm inside me.
the world stopped as you just hugged me.
i put my head in your shoulder and held back the tears.
and i was going to let you go and you just squeezed tighter because you knew that i needed it.
you know that is my favorite feeling and you know that my knees get so weak you have to hold me up.

i need you to let yourself need me.

so mlr is pretty choked at me. and i don't really blame her. i mean yeah telling her was hard. but i knew she would be really mad if i never told her at all. and she would be more mad than any of the other people i haven't told. but she's over reacting a bit too. i think she has trouble with the fact i've changed. because i'm not the girl who gets a coffee and goes to the boys' hockey games every friday night anymore. because i don't spend my life trying to make everyone else feel better anymore. because i don't do what other people want me to do anymore. i do what i want to do. and i think it's hard for her because she isn't 18 and she feels left out. but i also think that she is a mess right now. i wonder if she still wants to be with mal or if she just doesn't know how to be without him. if she just like wants to have some sort of stability in her life and he's it. she pushes everyone away that cares about her and i get it i used to be like that. but i just try so hard and i know she wants me there because she needs that and she knows i'll support her to no end. she knows that no matter what she's going through, i'll be there, i'll do anything, no matter what. and that scares her because she has had so many other people bail in her life. and she knows that i won't. it's hard to be supportive of a friend that is afraid of your support. i don't treat her like all the rest of them do and i never will. it's not who i am. my friends mean the world to me and i don't betray that. i guess its just hard to let people into your life when everyone else has walked out. i understand it, i do and even though i've never given her a reason to think i might leave. i don't understand it but i do, only because i was the exact same way.

so i didn't follow the area code rule.

i may or maynot have kissed antelope hunter in lethbridge.
my text messages say i did but i do not remember such an act.
did i mention this has happened before and i woke up in number twelve's bed?
did i mention that they are best friends?
bad news bears.


ps. lethbridge has a 403 area code... which is extremely lame.

how can you be so lost and so found at the same time.

as much as i don't know what we are or what we're going to be, if anything; it's like we got connected again. it was something that let us let go of all the shit that happened. and that was really refreshing for me. i got to know for sure that you know i'm truly sorry about what i did to you. i got to make up for all the awfulness that we encountered.
i feel like the other night i just like let it go. everything. i am so lost in what i want because i don't really know what i want. i mean i told sunshine to not talk to me and that was the most invigorating, empowering, terrifying thing i have ever done. i'm losing mlr and i feel like i've already lost trc. i understand that high school ending causes things to change and for the most part i've been dealing pretty well. i finally stopped putting everyone else first 200 percent of the time and started doing the things that i wanted to do. and i've changed and i'll be the first to admit that. but i don't care any less; i just started caring about myself too. i feel like i have lost so much but i'm doing good. i am for the most part, happy. sure there's things missing and stress and bad choices and mistakes and problems. but that's life.
i used to be this depressed girl who pretty well hated life and attempted suicide. and now i feel so far away from that girl. i don't even know how i was like that. mom and i were chatting today and she's like you know, i really love you, you are just like me. and i was like whoaa mom hold up. in many, may ways, we are NOTHING alike. but in the ways we were talking about i am actually a lot like her. and all the garbage i went through made me so much better of a person. i don't wanna be bitter towards her because it's not fair, she made a choice that i don't agree with but it's her life and as much as you kinda give that right up when you become a parent, she's doing the best she can. she reminded me that the reason i am the way i am regarded relationships and depending on people is because of her. she asked me why do you think your sister thinks she doesn't deserve good things in life, you're intuitive, what'dya think. and i was like i don't understand it to be honest. i don't need anybody. sure it's nice to have other people around and i love my friends and family but in all honesty, i've just never been the girl to need anybody. and that scares me a little bit because yes i grew up faster than most people and i've been through a lot at the age of 18 but i know who i am and i know that i don't need somebody else to tell me my worth. i don't need a boy to reinforce that i'm enough. i don't need someone to defend me or do the 'men's' work in my life. i mean i have bruises all over my hands because hotb tried to tell me that i'm a girl so i'm somehow lesser. like wrong, i'm a girl and i can do anything you can.
i am so unsure of what i want but yet i don't really need anything.

twelve.

it's the number that runs my life these days. i mean let's be serious.. like he is the center of my attention and now i don't know if that was a good idea. lethbridge may have been a very bad idea. like partying, unreal. seeing antelope hunter, loved it. then silly silly number twelve comes along.
ugh i don't even know what to say. like waking up next to him is like one of my favorite feelings in the whole world. i just didn't stop smiling the whole entire day. and like talking to his mom for ten minutes on the phone, how many girls do that with their ex-boyfriend's mom. and the whole idea that he was like what do you mean you aren't staying here tonight? and he's just ugh. he just makes me feel like such a mess. it is such a roller coaster. that is the only thing i can describe it. we are so unbelievably unsuited for each other. i hate so many of the little things about him. i hate that he doesn't shave most days even though he knows it annoys me so much. i hate his g-stars shirts. i hate that he pretends he doesn't care about anything. i hate that he pretends he is stupid when he is so not. i hate that he wears socks and sandals. and i hate that all these things just make me want him more. all the things he does to drive me nuts just makes me miss him more. think about him more. wonder if it was a bad decision.
i don't know i just feel like he really cares still but he doesn't want to. i think he's afraid cause i hurt him last time. and i don't blame him. i mean i did break his heart. and i think it was a horrible thing to do, but it gave me so much strength and taught me so much and i just don't know what we are now.
like what does this mean? where do we go from here? what are we? i just feel so lost.

november 12, 2009

well that's a day i'll never forget;
and can't take back.

so now what?

when the roof caved in and the truth came out,
i just didn't know what to do.

it's all for the best; well of course it is.

whatcha say,
that you only meant well;
well of course you did.