For the first time what's past is past.

On a Wednesday, in a cafe, I watched it begin again.

Clauddaugh

I took my ring off for you last time we had sex? That totally does not make sense.

I guess it is an engagement/ wedding ring and we are never ever getting back together.

Love nothing, love no one.

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket-safe, dark, motionless, airless-- it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable."

-C.S. Lewis. 

it's all funny.

The funny part is, I'm okay now. I'm not sad any more. I'm just hurt. I get sad for a few minutes and then I realize I deserve to be treated with respect and kindness. And more than anything I deserve unconditional love. I deserve a boy who loves me half as much as I love him.

strength.

I am not as strong as you might think. I'm actually not strong at all. I am really good at pretending I am strong.I am struggling today. Today is the first day I've really had a chance to think about number twelve. I never answered him on my birthday. And it was great to go out last week and have fun and let loose and think about another boy for a night or two. I have been so busy with school I really haven't had to face it. And earlier tonight I was in tears. It is hard to be without him. I think about that kid every single day. But I want to be strong enough to move on. I want to be strong enough to believe I deserve better.
I think that's the hardest part. I was never the girl boys liked. I mean I was, but not the girl the boys liked as more than a friend. I was the guy's girl. I had guy friends and we always had a blast but I was never the 'girlfriend' type. And it blows my mind because I have so many friends that always ask me for relationship advice and I try to help and I give my honest opinion most of the time but inside my head I'm like "HELLO ARE YOU FUCKED IN THE HEAD????????? I AM THE WORST EXAMPLE FOR RELATIONSHIPS EVER. MY EX-BOYFRIEND AND I HAD THE MOST FUCKED UP RELATIONSHIP EVER!"
I don't know I just like struggle because I am just like this is ridiculous. I want to find a boy that will treat me well but at the same time, I don't know if I will really give someone a real chance. I just want to be happy you know? Is that so much to ask?

from S.

"The loneliest people are the kindest. The saddest people smile the brightest. The most damaged people are the wisest. All because they do not wish to see anyone else suffer the way they do."

-Unknown

I really needed to hear that tonight.

Urban Dictionary: "A girl who hide's her pain with a smile everyday. Looks after everybody else before herself and never judges. Is silly and likes to joke around with her friends. She has a pure heart and a beautiful kind face. She is curvaceous and really sexy, but she doesn't think it. She is really self concious but everyone around her envies her. She loves sport and can hold her own, she is really tough and stands up for what she loves and won't let anyone get in her way. She is funny, sexy, sporty beautiful, smart and talented she would be the perfect girlfriend. She likes to flirt and muck around with the guys but when she has a boyfriend is completely faithful but is always afraid of losing them. The boys say all Brooke's are good kissers too."

The left-me-wanting-more feeling when he kissed me.

I should've just called him whiskey.

Hahahah classic

It wasn't 'a one night stand'. It was just "your audition" and you just didn't happen to make the cut.

blah.

This assignment will be the bane of my existence. But seriously. I have to create a lesson plan and handout and presentation on the social studies curriculum from k-12 and give specific examples of the differences.

I can love you like that.

"They read you Cinderella, you hoped it would come true;
That one day your Prince Charming would come rescue you."

-John Michael Montgomery

From the mouths of babes

My niece just called me. Hi auntie how's your neck? Hurts? Better go to the doctor"

I want you.

I don't know how some people do it. Like JP, I love that girl so much. She always has a boyfriend and I don't know how she does it. She's beautiful and she deserves it but I just can't imagine never being alone. I really love being alone sometimes. Today I am kind of wishing I had someone. I would love to have someone laying here with me on a Sunday morning not doing anything but enjoying laying together in bed.
I try to be strong most of the time. And most of the time I am more than okay with being completely alone. There are moments though, when all I really want is someone to be next to me. I crave that physical closeness. I think that's the hardest part for me. I am strong enough to be alone emotionally. But physically I need someone. I crave someone to just hold me, someone to be near me, next to me. That's what I want, it's what I need.
I miss Number Twelve sometimes. I miss him because he was my best friend. But I'm okay, I am strong enough to be alone and I have never been this okay without number twelve. I miss the little things like laying next to him or him squeezing me so tight I can barely breathe every time he hugs me. That's what I miss.
I don't want to be with someone. I don't want a relationship or any sort of emotional connection with someone. I'm not strong enough for that, I'm not ready for that. I just want a boy to be with me physically. I don't just mean sexually, I mean physically. I mean I want someone to be next to me. Is that so much to ask? I just want a boy to be near me. There is a comfort that comes from a physical closeness I cannot explain and that is all that I want.