happy.

Alright so yesterday I got up and was going to go to Edmonton with B and C and mouse but they decided not to go because the highway was closed or something of that nature. So I hung out there for a bit, had lunch with them then ME and I went to the hockey game in calgary. We went to hte mall for a bit then went for supper with daddy. It was incredible. So we're leaving the parking lot and there is a giant like concrete thing that blocks you from going down there. It's like a curb only the cliff version. And this dude was high centered on it and it was honestly the funniest thing I've ever seen. We drove around 3 times just to laugh and take pictures.
Then we went to the hockey game and it was kind of shitty because it was such a runaway. Russia is seriously so incredible this year. But anyways it was really fun to spend some time with her and chat and whatever because we haven't actually hung out just us in forever. Then I went to DL and JL's house and it was so funny. The game 'Things in a Box' is legitimately the greatest game EVER.

run-on sentence.

Alright so I may have over-reacted a bit the other night, at least to DK and PD. DK did text me back and we chatted and when I got to his house that night he got mad that I was mad at him and gave me a big hug and reminded me he loved me and wouldn't treat me like that. I have so much to tell you about that night but I'll start at the beginning.
So NB came over and we started drinking wine and basically talked about how upset I was with DK and PD and why DK and I were fighting (like it's unusual or something hahahaha). But she knew I was in a bad mood and grumpy and sad and just not happy with how my day went. So LG and CW showed up and we watched some hockey, drank some wine and caesars and then JP showed up and wanted to go to DK's so she brought ices for me. So we drank for a bit and then JP and NB wanted to go see the hockey boys, which fine I get because they're closer friends with them than the boys but I am not and I often time feel left out with those boys. So I wasn't mad but I kinda was because I was just like whatever you invited me to go to DK's and now you're not even going to come. And I really didn't want to go to bo's them so then finally they forced me to go with them and I really just wanted to wait for ME to come get me to go to DK's. So we are at bo's for like less than ten minutes when they're like let's go to someone else's house and drink before the bar. AND then they tried to convince me to go to my house. And I was just so annoyed. But to be far, JM and CK were really nice and had a good chat with me. They all wanted to leave though and ME was on her way to get me so I was like I'm not going with you like I told you I didn't want to. So while one of them was driving, they couldn't wait like 5 minutes for me and they left me outside, without a coat, alone at bo's until she came. And I was pretty fucking choked. I mean that's a pretty shady thing to do. If they took a cab, it's different. But if this was the other way around and I was going with DK and they were waiting for their friend, I'd be like yo bro, can you just wait until someone gets here, I don't want to leave her here and he would wait.
So ME got there and like immediately NB texted me like 17 times saying I'm sorry, you'd have never done that to me, I panicked, I feel so bad, I'm so sorry. And at that point I was just kind of like fuck you guys, I don't even want to talk to you. And after about 4 messages that I hadn't responded to, I was just like alright I really don't want to talk to you right now. Like I wanted to go out and have a good time because I knew I wouldn't see the boys for like a month. So I went to DK's and him and I sorted it out as per usual and we just back to buds again. We're seriously ridiculous.
So basically those boys hang out with girls that are "friendly". And I honestly was dying laughing and how pathetic these girls' self-respect is. Like it's actually a little bit sad. The boys were like "T-SHIRT TIME" which meant everyone take off your shirt and pass it to the left. So they all did and like it was so funny because these girls are like ahh oh no don't look and I'm just like kay you're dumb they clearly did this for you to take your shirts off. Like it was so brutal DK was going to trying to take pictures of KH and ME and I were seriously sitting there laughing so hard. SC comes over and KH is just glaring at ME and I (because of PD I'd assume) and it was so brutal. Like what is this high school? And SC was like she's not even good looking haha don't even worry about it. And he's just beaking her and it was so funny.
So ME left because she was sober and was going to come back and pick us up later. So JS calls me over and she's like B, why aren't we friends? Why don't we ever hang out? I heard you think I'm a slut, but I'm not. And I was like speechless hahahaha I was like uh to be perfectly honest I don't really care if you're a slut as long as you're not a closet slut. So whatever I talked to her and some of these other girls. This EP girl was really nice too. But like they were like how do you share a bed with DK and not hook up and I just like shook my head and laughing. It's not difficult, yes, DK is an awesome dude and very good looking in my opinion, but we're buds and that would just not go over well. So they were like well how come the boys like treat you so well and are so nice to you. And again I was just shaking my head thinking, well because of exactly that, I don't sleep with them. These boys are assholes. If you let them treat you shitty, they will. If you demand respect, they'll respect you. These boys are nice to me because we are friends, I don't hook up with them, and I am forda boys most of the time. I don't have a whole lot of sympathy for girls that are willing to be passed around a friend group and wonders why no one respects her. Don't get me wrong, these girls are really nice, they just lack some common sense.
And for me, like I just am friends with boys. That's the way it is. I have some good girlfriends but a lot of the time I really like being with the boys. It's different. And like it was so funny, these girls were like rubbing DK's abs and like, "can I have your autograph"? bahahahaa I seriously made so much fun of him after. Like come on girls, this is brutal you are giving girls a bad name all around. So then all these girls were like B come to the bar with us, take a cab with the girls, have girls night. And straight up DK was like uh no, she's coming with me. Which I appreciate because he knows that I just wouldn't enjoy being with those girls mostly because as horrible as it is, they attract negative attention and poor stereotypes. I am not going to be rude or mean to them by any means, but I am less inclined to hang out with people like that.
That night was just really kind of nice because after my day and fighting with DK he really stepped it up and realized like hey I was being a dick earlier and was thus extremely nice. Like he helped put my shoes on and gave me his arm to walk on the ice in my boots and he refused to go to the bar without me but hahahaa fuck that kid is such a homo sometimes. He put of sooo much cologne and I started beaking and ME's car stunk of DK and the girly hand lotion we gave him the next day. It was so funny. PD is always like that to me though so it's kind of nice. PD always makes sure I know he's there for me. Those boys just turned my entire night around. And that's why I spend so much time with them when I'm home because it's like a few days earlier when I went out and I could've sworn I saw number twelve and I wasn't even with them that night and I went to walk out and legitimately walked into DK and PD and they were like where are you going and I was like home, number twelve is here and I don't want to deal with this tonight. They each gave me a hug said, "fuck that. You're not going home. You're here and now you're with us, you're partying forda boys tonight". They just won't allow me to be sad or stress or upset. They remind me to believe that life's too short to stress about things out of my control. It's refreshing sometimes to have people that force you to have fun.

blessed are the hearts that bend.

"The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places."
-Ernest Hemingway

not forda boys.

Seriously, I love my friends. But sometimes they are so unreliable and it's so unbelievably frustrating. If you don't want to do something, or you have other plans or you straight up just don't want to hang out, just tell me. I get so frustrated with the boys sometimes because when we do something they are so good about taking care of me and blah blah. But like the other day DK and PD said they'd come help me move the tv to watch the hockey game then we'd chill and see how the night went. And now I don't think either of them are coming.
I know I shouldn't let it bother me and just let it go but it bothers me when people tell me they're going to do something and don't because I am that person that will follow through on what I tell you. What's even more annoying is that now PD won't even answer me. And I have no desire to even text DK because I can guarantee they're together and I just don't care enough to like fight or be ignored. It's just fucking rude.

before you came into my life, I missed you so bad.

Hey, I just met you and this is crazy, so here's my number so call me, maybe. It's hard to look right at you baby, but here's my number so call me, maybe.

forda boys.

Why the hell am I up at 2:30 am??! My sleep schedule is going to be succhhh a mess. I'm going back on the fourth I think. It's for the best. Then I can get back into a routine, not miss my hair appointment and hopefully get ahead in my classes.
Also right now I'm listening to PD and DK's voicenote because it is legitimately so funny. Mostly it makes me laugh because it reminds me of good, old, innocent fun. They are playing NHL while they sing it so there's parts where they like sing, yell at the tv, then go straight back into singing like they never skipped a beat and it just kills me. I love my boys.

someone.

I don't think I explained the whole ZG situation fully. Basically the reason she got mad is that I stayed at DK's the other night and that I often go home with him to his house instead of her to her house. And to be perfectly honest, most of the time it's just the way the night goes hahaha. This sounds so slutty but who wouldn't go home with DK over ZG. I mean really, I'd rather sleep in his bed with him half-naked (OMG S, I know you already know but the kid is a smokeshow in boxers! hahahaahaha I seriously die when he strips down) than her naked. It weirds me out that she sleeps naked when I'm there. I don't like it at all and the last few times I've stayed at her house, I've slept on the couch and I think she actually gets really insulted.
So last week I stayed at her house on the couch but we hot-tubbed before and kind of talked about the whole DK situation and how a lot of people are talking, at least to me, about him and I and us hooking up etc. And I told her that I love DK but I'm genuinely worried that that would fuck so much stuff up. I have so much fun with him, but we drive each other crazy. I don't think we've ever had a night where we don't fight haha not in a mean way but in an old married couple arguing for the sake of arguing way. And I like DK, I'm not willing to lose him as a friend, and even more, I love PD and I would never ever want to risk that friendship. And for some reason, he's really uncomfortable with DK and I. Like when he found out I slept in DK's bed, he got mad. He's always like well where was I?!!! One time he physically carried me out of DK's bed because he didn't want us to sleep together. And when I say sleep, I really mean sleep.
ZG is protective and I get that but it bothers me that she thinks I'd just sleep with DK. She's like well you talk about not ruining the friendship blah blah then go home from the bar with him. Haha if I had a dollar for every time I left the bar with him, I'd probably have 100 dollars ( I'm literally laughing at my own little joke). But we've never even kissed so I really don't understand why it's such a big deal. Him and I have woken up and been like this isn't awkward because we're buds, end of story.
I'll admit that the other night I woke up in the middle of the night and he had his arm around me and that's never happened before, at least to my knowledge, and I liked it. But I think what I liked more than anything was having a boy hold me in his arms, more than the fact DK had me in his arms. I miss just having someone sleep beside me. And when I say someone, I mean a boy because we all know it's a different feeling. It probably sounds so stupid, but I really treasure the security I feel around DK. I mean like I get scared to be alone at night sometimes, like when K is gone because we have no alarm. But at DK's house, they don't even lock the door and it doesn't even phase me. I somehow feel safe, because a boy that's strong is beside me. And I used to always tell number twelve that he made me feel safe, and that's totally what it is. I just miss having someone physically there so I feel safe. I sleep so well at his house (in part because his bed is incredibly comfortable) and in part because I know there's someone beside me. And I think he's the same way. He really doesn't like being alone, and he's nice, which is why I stay in his bed not on the couch. It's not awkward, it's just sleeping and having someone next to you.
I love DK, but I'm not in love with him. And there's a big difference.

busy day.

Last night I went to VL's birthday. It was actually really nice because it was low-key. And lately everyone has been partying so hard. I drank two nights and drove two nights and it's kicking my ass hahaha. But seriously it was really fun. I was supposed to go with JP but she ended up waiting for HJR and I promised DK and PD I'd pick them up. So I went to DK's home and we just chilled out for a bit while the two of them drank and played NHL. It was actually just nice, like I almost wish we hadn't gone out and just like chilled out like that. But PD played some song on his phone and I seriously started dying because of how they were singing. It was so funny and I just laughed and decided, "hey, when I'm at school I'm going to have a day where I need a smile, this is it" so I recorded their jam session and it is so funny. I love those boys so much.
Then we went to PT and it was like so chill. Except we got there and DK bought 2 shots and ordered me a water only C decided we needed 6 shots for the three of us so I did two sourjacks with the boys and then bombed aqua for the remainder of the night hahaha. JC was like DJ'ing and everyone pretty much took their turn. The best was when I played L^2 cd and he rapped and danced along with it. It was really fun to just relax and no one was obliterated, everyone just chilled.
Then it was so weird. TW (aka number 12's cousin) is dating SD (aka PD's sister) and it's so awkward everytime I see him because he lives with number twelve and one night last year I got drunk and basically said I'm in love with your cousin and I'm really sorry and he was just like ya talk to him B. And he was right. But anyways he came up and said hi and we actually talked and he broke the ice and I felt a whole lot better about it.
THEN ZG called me and she was absolutely hammered. She was so drunk so I went to pick her up and left the boys there. She doesn't have like a good drunk, she's always way too drunk. And so as I was driving her home the boys were ready so I stopped at PT to pick up DK, PD, SD, and TW and then I took ZG home but she was like getting mad that I didn't want to have a sleepover etc. and beaking how I was going to go to DK's and he was drunk and DK and obviously played right into it like, "oh of course she's coming to my house. She loves me more than she loves you and she's forda boys" blah blah. It was actually really funny because she was getting soooo mad and they were all just chirping her beyond belief and I was laughing just like I'm going home to bed haha I'm not going anywhere.
I had a really good night, chatted with DK for a bit before I went to sleep and got up sooo early today to take auntie to the airport then go shopping with B. I went to the gym and I met AM at the carwash tonight and legit vacuumed and cleaned the interior and exterior of my car so thoroughly hahaha and he was lovely. Love that kid. Then we went to New Year's Eve, which I saw last week but it was cheap night so I went anyways and I actually really like that movie. It's kind of true, for some reason New Year's is magical. People actually find a little faith in the fact that they can change, they can be a better person next year, they can do more, follow their dreams, and most importantly, their hearts.

I really want to be your every night.

"I don't want to be in Monday morning, heading back to work
Stuck in traffic, going slow, nothing on the radio
I don't wanna be another chore to check off on your list
Of things you gotta do and places that you gotta go
Oh no...

I wanna be your Friday night speed ride
Summertime, sunshine, barefoot in the moonlight
I wanna be your jackpot, hot spot
Wide open road in a candy apple rag top
I wanna set you free, I wanna take you high
I wanna be, wanna be your Friday night

We can rock together, let the good times roll forever
Fill up our cup, make a memory, drink it up
I don't wanna miss another minute, wanna live it with you
'Neath the blue sky, falling in love

I wanna be your Friday night speed ride
Summertime, sunshine, barefoot in the moonlight
I wanna be your jackpot, hot spot
Wide open road in a candy apple rag top
I wanna set you free, I wanna take you high
I wanna be, wanna be your Friday night

I wanna be your lemonade in the shade
Money in your pocket cause you just got paid babe

I wanna be your Friday night speed ride
Summertime, sunshine, barefoot in the moonlight
I wanna be your jackpot, hot spot
Wide open road in a candy apple rag top
I wanna set you free, I wanna get you high
I wanna be, wanna be your Friday night "

I've dealt with my ghosts and faced all my demons.

It's funny how much the approach of a new year makes me analyze and criticize everything I've done this year. I re-analyze everything in my year, I'll probably re-read my blog in the next few days. I think that's what I like most about blogging. At any given time I can look back and see how much I've grown. I get to watch from the outside and view how much I have changed and learned.
I'm really excited for 2012. It's going to be a great year. My goal is to be happy me again. To laugh, and love, and believe, and enjoy again. I've spent too much time alone and miserable. And we only have so long. I don't want to be bitter and old. I want to be young and beautiful and I want to really love life.
I am going to spend the next few days really thinking about WHAT I CAN DO for myself. I want to stress less about the things that are out of my control and just be happy and healthy for once. It's time to be 20 years old again instead of an old soul.

I'm moving on.

This is the first Christmas in 5 years that I never said Mele Kalikimaka to sunshine. Crazy eh.
I was doing so good today. I almost made it through the day without saying anything to number twelve. But something inside of me knew I'd regret it if I didn't say Merry Christmas to him, so I did. I feel freer somehow. I don't know I just think that I'm really letting this go. I want to be able to fall for someone else. I want to be happy and find another boy that loves me for everything that I am, flaws and all and that treats me like gold. I want a boy that realizes how important the little things are to me. That's what I want this year.
I've strongly considered giving number twelve the letters I've written him, and include a final one, along with the two CDs I've made that remind me of him. I cannot decide if that would make me really let it go, if it would work in a simlilar way to the way I told sunshine I needed him out of my life. Or, if I'd be better off to just burn them and let them go without anyone ever reading them. I guess I have 5 days to decide.

Merry Christmas.

Other than my lectures, I had a really great day. We got up this morning and we opened stockings and presents and then we went to momma's and did the same and had breakfast and just basked for the afternoon. Then we came home and opened presents with mouse and b and c and had supper.
I am pretty happy, seeing mouse open her presents is seriously the most amazing thing. She was so funny she was grinning from ear to ear and she just kept saying "WOOOOOW" hahahah. It was wonderful.
I'm really happy with what I got for Christmas too. Momma got the picture that LG drew me last year framed and it is really beautiful. It's a Cinderella thing that says, "no matter how your heart is grieving, if you keep on believing, the dreams that you wish will come true". And it gives me hope.
Then I got a new pair of gym shoes (that I have to pick) and I mostly got giftcards but they're awesome so I'm excited. I got the entire Sex and the City box set aka all the seasons AND both movies so I was totally jacked about that. And B made me a blanket THAT IS BATMAN AND IT IS FUCKING AWESOME AND INCREDIBLY WARM.
One of my fav things was these two little wine books daddy bought me. One is like a little red wine book that tells you about the different kinds of wine and the different grapes etc. And the other is like a log book that you can rate wine in. So it has like the type of wine, grape, year, what it tastes like, what's in it, how you'd rate it, what country it's from etc. It's really cool.
OH AND usually we don't get much from auntie and uncle because there's just some bad history there and this year they bought us each a pair of BEAUTIFUL Coach boots. I was so shocked but they're so beautiful.
Anyways I was more than mildly spoiled so I'm very thankful for everything I got but especially thankful for my family and friends.

what a day.

Things have been ridiculous this week. It's been sooooo busy. On Friday I went out and actually had a great time hahahaha I also managed to snipe DK's bed again. I wish that I could bang that kid without fucking up friendships.
Also tonight I was so grumpy. At dinner, I got the "you drink too much and don't know how to handle your liquor" during which my family hasn't even dealt with me drunk in months (aka why I went to DK's and why I always go there because I don't want to listen to their hyprocritical bitching) and then I got the anorexia lecture. I've legitimately got that lecture about 3 times today and 5 or 6 times since I got home and it just frustrates me so much because I'm not anorexic and I'm not even really that skinny. And to me eating disorders are really serious and not funny to joke about at all. I've had an eating disorder and it's scary. It bothers me because I do care about what I eat and I care about going to the gym but that's more about how I feel than how I look. Because I am still not happy with my size or weight. I weigh more now than I ever have.

busy busy.

I've had an interesting week but more than anything, I am SO glad to be home. Like legitimately my dad was straight up like you are an entirely different person from when I visited two weeks ago. Which is true, I was so incredibly stressed out. Partly because of finals and partly because of life in general.
I have spent lots of time with my mouse. And she is getting soooo big, but she's adorable. Like they taught her how to say iiiiii looveeee YOU and point to her eye, heart and you when she says it and it seriously melts my heart. She also has a disasterous obsession with mickey mouse clubhouse and I've watched too many episodes in the last five days.
Sat was PD's birthday and it was pretty fun. It was sucky because JP and NB decided to go home after post time instead of coming out. Post time was like the most random group of people I've ever seen haha. I also don't really want to go to PT for new years. I would really like to go to a house party/have a house party. I had one first year university and it was more fun than I've had any other new years. I talked to JP and NB and S and no one really wants to go to post time. Plus DK and SC and MB and KW are all gone to vegas so that's lame and their house is out of the equation. Oh well, we'll see.

stuck up little bitch.

I also just saw something one of MQ's friends retweeted from MQ and it says, "has anyone else looked at their ex and thought: was I drunk the whole time we were dating?"
Seriously bitch, have you ever looked at your ex and been like he was way too fucking good for me, he must have been drunk the whole time? Because we've all wondered since day one if that was the case. STFU he is better than you'll ever be.

take a ride, to good times.

I seriously had such a good night tonight. Today kinda sucked, I wrote two finals and I don't think either of them went really well, but at least, I'm done. Then I went for wings with TK and DS and the group. And I'm seriously in love with him bahahhaa. Not really but he is so sexy that looking at him for extended periods of time/him looking at me makes me blush.
I am really happy tonight. I felt like I was back like age 12 or 14 just genuinely having fun. We went for wings and then we went and got stuff for gingerbread houses and had a competition: girls versus boys. The boys won unfortunately, but to be fair they set off pyrotechnics with it. hahahahahaa it was fantastic actually. Also, one of the rules is that nerf guns were allowed and that was fantastic, I forgot about them for years. I also ended up with shaving cream in my hair... we started out with whipped cream but we ran out thus, the boys figured shaving cream was a great solution.
We went to a pub after but it was just good genuine fun, you know. It was really nice to just kind of let loose. And like DS just made fun of me all day today about sleeping in his bed and blah blah just beak beak beak. Actually, everyone did. But he thought it was especially funny. It was just a nice night. But I'm exhausted, and I have to get up early so I can hopefully go to the gym then pack and go home. yaaaayyy.

may be surrounded by a million people I, still feel all alone.

I'm seriously dying right now. I'm so over studying. I'm at that point where I just don't give a fuck. I can't explain it if you've never gone away for school. I mean I can remember in highschool just wanting the time off to do whatever, but it's more than that. I just want to be home for an infinite period of time, or at least, more than 3 days. I want to be done, but more so I want to be home.
I am looking around at all the people sitting around me in the library all just hating this place, wanting to leave and all I can think of is my niece, and my mother, and my sisters and my brother, and my father, and being at home. All I can think about is how wonderful it will be to see my friends, to not feel rushed to see 7 people in 2 days that aren't friends. I can't stop thinking about laying in front of the fireplace looking at the beauty of winter and Christmas and all that it entails.
I am sitting here, staring at my notes and my textbook just wishing it were all over. The fact I could go and write these exams right now and go home is so appealing; but I care. I wish I didn't care about my grades so that I could go write these silly tests and come home, without regret that I could've tried harder. I just want to go home.

only 6 years and 11 months left.

It’s said it takes seven years
to grow completely new skin cells.
To think, this year I will grow
into a body you never will
have touched.

-Brett Elizabeth Jenkins

will and kate.

I should totally be studying but instead there is a special on William and Kate which is clearly the universe telling me it's time to take a break. I'm studying on commercials... that's gotta be worth something right?

I have a name.

ARE YOU READY FOR MY RANT???
Alright, I get that you know who I am and we are friends because I dated your little brother for three years. I understand that and I can appreciate that. But him and I have not been together for over a year, almost a year and a half in fact and you STILL introduce me as your little brother's ex-girlfriend EVERY time. It drives me bonkers. Like I am a real person, I have a real name. I don't even talk to your brother anymore but you and I still hang out. Would it kill you to acknowledge me as B, or your friend B or anything other than "This is my little brother or number twelve's ex-girlfriend, B". Why can't you skip out the first part and just say, "this is B". I just don't understand.
And I'd love to say something only I know you will take offense to it as though I don't like being referred to as his ex-girlfriend because I'm ashamed or embarrassed or something but it's not that at all. I just want to have my own name and not have everyone in the world just immediately go "oh this girl is off limits because she is NC's little brother's ex-girlfriend and since they still hang out they must be friends/no hard feelings or possess the possibility to get back together". It seems silly but it'd just be nice to be acknowledged as my own person. It's almost like she doesn't want me to find any other person on earth with the comments she makes. I just do not understand.

orange county.

bahahahahahahahah so I'm tired tonight. And I figured a solid 12 hours, including a test was a reasonable day of studying. SO I just got home and I came into my room because to be perfectly honest, I'm pretty much ready for bed. I decided I'll turn on some OC because I won't want to actually watch it (think OTH or a great movie haha) so I put it on and it's like really quiet but K is sitting directly outside my door (not in a creepy way, that's just where our kitchen table is) and it is on for seriously less than 2 seconds, like I can't even press the button and he screams, "THE OC REALLY". hahaha and then made fun of me so now guaranteed I'm gonna get beaked for watching the oc. oh well nighty night.

I love chocolate.

So I'm not sure if you remember but the other day I was all disappointed that the lindt advent calendars were all gone at costco. So today, I went again to check because K has been whining about it. They didn't have any... so instead, I just bought a giant box of lindts that we are going to pretend is our advent calendars hahahaha it seems like a fabulous idea if you ask me.
Also, I just took a study break to watch home alone and I now have to study my life away. Well for 2 hours at least. I'd like to get through 1-2 chapters of neuro.

you were only waiting for this moment to be free.

blackbird singing in the dead of night,
take these broken wings and learn to fly.
all your life, you were only waiting for this moment to arrive.

she wants to drive your truck with no place to go.

she wants to feel that fire,
the one that lets her know for sure,
she's everything you want and more.

11 years.

December sucks so much for my family. Both of my grandparents died in December: December2, and December 11. It's always so hard because we had such a great Christmas routine. I honestly loved my grandparents so much. We were really close, we used to go there like every weekend we were with my daddy.
I would get up in the morning so early and have breakfast and play board games with my nana until everyone else woke up. She would have us white bread and fruit punch juice and the cereal and ice cream treats we liked all ready for us and she would often make us some sort of dessert, like jell-o or chocolate pie haha.
My grandpa would play puzzles with us, that was his thing. Or we'd watch Reba McEntire together. When there was hockey games on, the entire family would wath it together. Only we shut off the tv sound and listened to the radio broadcast instead. I'm not really sure why, it was just their thing. We'd always put on performances for them. Nana would take us shopping and then we'd have to have a fashion show when we got home.
Poppa would give us money all the time. Even if it was just for a new barbie. But he always wanted us to have the best of everything and never be wanting. We were so lucky. We'd lay in the hammock in the backyard or walk to the park or IGA. It seems so silly but it was the little things that really mattered.

Love you and miss you every day Nana and Poppa. I cannot believe it's been 11 years since I lost my Nana, but I can assure you I love and miss her every day.

December 11, 2011

Virgo
There is something or someone you deeply hope to believe in. You want to feel free to relax, to enjoy, to trust, and to know that everything will work out. You want to have faith. But faith is free of analysis. It's free of logic. It doesn't rely on what other people tell you or what you learn through the grapevine. Faith is a gift given by- and to- your heart. So stop doubting, Virgo. Reach for the stars, and trust that you will find them sparkling in your hands. And remember that whatever happens, goodness will come of it.



It's so much easier said than done to keep on believing.

we laughed until we cried.

Little of this, Little of that;
kind of happy, kind of sad.

the new girl.

So tonight, K brought a girl here hahahahahahahaha. And they're not actually dating, she's his best friend's little sister so he's very uncertain if he really wants to go here. He has to take into account the fact that he can't just have casual sex with her bahahaha. And I seriously wish I could record some of our conversations about it. Actually our conversations in general are hilarious. BUT tonight, he texted me when he was on his way here and I was already making fun of him so he said, "BE NICE". bahahahhahaa I responded with "I'm always nice".
The best part about it is that I was studying on the couch when they got here and I didn`t move hahaha. And I considered moving to the table and/or my room but me being me I didn't. hahaha I actually just basically came to the conclusion I would receive a go away text message if that was the case. So I kept studying and chatted a bit with them and did my laundry etc. basically acting like she wasn't there only more polite.
Then he took her home hahaha and when he walked in he was like man you were such a good wing tonight. And I was like I know right? Would you expect anything less? And he told me he was afraid because of my stories of being a major cock block bahahaha but I reminded him that I am only a cock block when I don't like the girl. He was also very happy that I was sitting out there, on the couch, and didn't move. He's like I didn't even want to come here hahaha and not in a mean way but in a he's not sure this is the best idea because he's basically going to have to commit hahahahaha.
This whole situation is just so funny for me. And then when he got back he totally amped up the asshole-ness and I was like built it up a bit? Now it's going to be twice as bad? And he's like yep... have a good next day and a half bahaha.

virgins aka nicest kid ever.

I AM SO FUCKING HUNGOVER. But seriously, it's 6pm, I've been up since 7:30 and I still feel like balls. It was ender bender yesterday (last day of classes) and I only have two finals and they're both web ct so I figured I could make it work. I actually had a really good day.
I started drinking mimosas at 10am hahaha. Then I rocked a solid buzz until about 8pm when TK picked me up and we went to Mojo's. DS works there and I am like in love with him bahaha. He is so sexy. And I never ever like blond guys. Also, he is the genuinely nicest boy I have ever met in my life. (K is convinced he's gay just from my stories bahaha). But seriously, he's soooo nice. Like I have never met someone that is so genuinely kind. I was hammered and hitting on him so hardcore hahahaha and he let me sleep in his bed while he was at work and then when he got home he just left me to sleep and he slept on the couch. He was like you looked really comfortable and like you were having a good sleep so I didn't want to wake you up. He bed was also extremely comfortable.
BUT, he's a virgin. I honestly couldn't even believe it. He is way too hot to be a virgin. Like I was mind fucked for sure. I didn't even know 20 year old boys could be virgins. I don't necessarily think it's a bad thing I'm just baffled. Who is a virgin at 20 these days? AND what boy is a virgin at 20 these days?

thanks, s.

true story.

"But you know, the thing about romance is... people only get together right at the very end."

-Love Actually

more than half, no big deal.

Best news about my history essay: I can actually write them. Research papers = story of history = I have some practice. Thus tomorrow shouldn't take long at all to edit.
Bad news about my history essay: It's worth 55 percent of my grade.

almost there.

Well, I suppose 2am is better than 4:30am. I am finished my Manson paper and momma's gonna edit it in the morning then I'll check it over myself and then hand that in.
S, was a lifesave and went over my phil essay because I legitimately suck at them sooo bad because I have no idea how to express what I want to say. I just feel like a total quack in that class because I have no idea what I believe. So tomorrow I'll go over and fix everything she said pointed out and then hand that in tomorrow afternoon.
Looks like one last busy day then I'm freeeee. haha well sort of. I have to start studying for finals tomorrow after I'm done all that. Oh and I have a quiz at 9:30am so I'm going to have to get up at 7... better get to sleep.

the fence type.

I HATE PHILOSOPHY!
But to be fair, I hate it in the way that I am a very wishy-washy, depends-on-the-situation type. I am a fence rider for sure. I hate making big decisions and when I do, I literally hmm and haw about it and analyze every possible outcome. And once I actually make the decision, I go over absolutely everything I could have done differently, how different my life would be, etc. It sounds stupid, but I don't know how else to be. I am constantly analzying others and society and especially myself on how to be different, how to be better.
I actually really enjoy philosophy. I like reading about controversial things that require such intense thought. Things that people can have a real conversation about rather than me roll my eyes while you tell me about your alcoholism and one-night stands.
I mean I'm writing a paper on free will right now and I have to discuss whether I think that it human actions are the result of determinism or simply chance. And to be perfectly honest, I honestly believe in determinism. I believe that every thing that has happened, whether we can explain it or understand it, has an antecedent cause. I think that every decision we make matters. And I have argued with people about this on end. Ayer suggests that we are perhaps 'co-conspirators' in our fate instead of slaves to it. And I think he's right. I mean people have tried to argue that a family hit by a drunk driver had absolutely no choice in their death. But they did. They may not have known it, but leaving at the time that they did, under the conditions that they did, led them to their fate. So it really wasn't fate at all. It was a choice.

great day.

Today I woke up, looked at my twitter on my phone and legitimately laughed out loud. Why you ask? Well because S tweeted exactly this:
"LET'S GET DOWN TO BUSINESS TO DEFEAT THE HUNS".
Bahahahahahaha I laughed so hard and sung it all morning until I got puked on by a small little child that was the most disgusting thing ever. But, I survived.

I crack myself up.

I wish that other people thought I was as funny as I think I am. I always make the cleverest little jokes and I laugh to myself about how clever and witty I am. I can seriously sit and think of funny things or funny memories and laugh for so long by myself and half the time I look like a crazy person, but I'm not, I swear. I just think I'm funny.

so true.

I promised you.

"But I have promises to keep.
And miles to go before I sleep,
and miles to go before I sleep."

-Robert Frost.

one condition.

"You have to promise you won't fall in love with me."
"That shouldn't be a problem."



You broke the only rule.

marathon.

I have a really weird obsession/addiction with criminal minds.

please, just break.

That 'ol picture frame keeps hangin' round
I ain't ready yet to take it down
Every now and then I'll slam the door
Shake it loose and she'll hit the floor
But I can't throw a good thing away
I wish it would break

And I swear my truck's got a haunted radio
Cause I hear you in every song
But I know what the silence makes me do
So I give those buttons more abuse
I wonder how much punchin' it can take
I wish it would break

There I could move on, right on down the line
Where I don't see you, need you, in my life
You're wrapped around me
Your memories bound me like a chain
I wish it would break

This 'ol heart's got a mind of it's own
It's decided not to let you go
And even though your love's no longer here
It won't let me shed one tear
Cause it's still holdin' on to yesterday
I wish it would break

There I could move on, right on down the line
Where I don't see you, need you, in my life
You're wrapped around me
Your memories bound me like a chain
I wish it would break
I wish it would break
Yeah, I wish it would break
Go on and break

please, inspire me.

I just want to be inspired. I used to be inspired all the time. But it seems like these days, you just can't make me believe in anything.
I don't think there's something particular that defines inspiration. I mean, I used to come across a photograph and be inspired. Or come across a beautiful piece of writing and be inspired. Or a movie, or a child, or a relationship. There are things like the first snow of the season, and I hate winter, but its beauty inspired me. I'd give anything to feel that again. To feel anything.

now the numb set in, he's gone like the wind, and I can barely feel the pain.

I should've just called it like I saw it.
I should've just called for help and ran like hell that day.
The burn and the sting and the high and the heat
and the 'left me wanting more' feeling way he kissed me.
I should've just called him whiskey.

life makes love look hard.

Seems like there's always someone who disapproves,
they'll judge it like they know about me and you.
And the verdict comes from those with nothing else to do,
the jury's out, but my choice is you.

It's not there's to speculate if it's wrong
and your hands are tough but they are where mine belong in
I'll fight their doubt and give you faith with this song.

oh john.

"If you're in trouble, or hurt or need - go to the poor people. They're the only ones that'll help - the only ones. "
-steinbeck.

education.

"I have come to believe that a great teacher is a great artist and that there are as few as there are any other great artists. Teaching might even be the greatest of the arts since the medium is the human mind and spirit."
- J. Steinbeck

in a box beneath my bed, is 28 letters you've never read.

"I have owed you this letter for a very long time-but my fingers have avoided the pencil as though it were an old and poisoned tool. "
- John Steinbeck

steinbeck.

"I hate cameras. They are so much more sure than I am about everything."

adventure.

"A journey is a person in itself; no two are alike. And all plans, safeguards, policing, and coercion are fruitless. We find that after years of struggle that we do not take a trip; a trip takes us. "
-John Steinbeck

Virgo- November 30, 2011.

You may now be dealing with a relationship issue, Virgo. If there is trouble in a romantic relationship, it may have to do with trust. Either you are having trouble having faith in someone, or someone is suspicious of you. This comes down to the foundation of your relationship and strengthening of your bond is called for. Dedicate more time to your lover. Time may also be an issue if your conflict  is in a personal or family relationship. Someone is feeling neglected, and really needs more nurturing and closeness with you. Reach out- this person is certainly worth the effort.

Taurus- November 30, 2011

There is something important that you hope to accomplish, and it's been on your mind a lot lately. This task is essential to achieving something you desire very much. But all you can seem to think about is how you aimed for this goal before and failed. You are probably recalling all your misguided efforts, your mistakes, and the feelings of vulnerability and self-consciousness that they stir up. But you are forgetting the upside0 you are selectively forgetting how you excelled in some aspects of your pursuit. Focus on your strengths now, and you will strengthen your weaknesses too.

tears stream down your face.

The wind here is ridiculous and I cannot sleep as a result. As well my mind is fucked, not that that's unusual. But I am actually a disast today. I had a sad morning then the whole homicide thing. I don't know I miss number twelve and I'm just blah.
Anyways now I'm going to watch A Walk to Remember so I can cry myself to sleep and at least semi- have a reason.

I seriously love him.

This is how my roommate cheers me up bahahahahahahaha
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A1tB-yYKQDg

really reassuring.

What makes it worse is just the reiteration that the Canadian justice system is a croc of shit. Like as if I didn't already have issues with the justice system after being assaulted and having nothing come from it except being accused myself of making it up.

fucking horseshit.

I seriously had a spaz attack today. I'm so unbelieveably upset.
So there was a girl in Medicine Hat who killed her entire family when she was twelve years old with her 23 year old boyfriend. They stabbed them to death. So today I learned that she was released. And that seh was given a new identity and now goes to Mount Royal.
This is the Canadian Justice System. It's absolute bullshit. Like seriously, I'm so frustrated. I don't understand. I realize that the Youth Justice Act is there to protect young offenders. But what I don't get is how someone can premeditate and kill their entire family in cold blood and get out 6 years later. Like the Youth Justice Act should protect kids who get into the wrong things like a gang or drugs based on a poor situation that actually have a chance at being rehabilitated.
You've got to be fucking stupid if you think that a twelve year old girl that stabbed her little brother in the face can be rehabilitated. Go fuck yourself. That is the biggest bullshit in the world. And now, she might be in a class with one of my friends. No. That is just plain wrong. She has a right to get a degree and move on? What about the remainder of her class who has a right to go to school and feel safe and not have a threat that they're going to be murdered by the dumb bitch sitting beside them? What about their rights?
And the fact that she was released on the basis that "her brain wasn't fully developed at twelve to understand the severity and the consequences of her actions". Oh really? I'm pretty sure I was a whole lot younger than twelve when I understood that murder was wrong! This has to be the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. Seriously, as if you ever thought murdering your entire family was not absolutely and completely fucked.

simba.

TFLN (519): And then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and said, "SIMBA".

Alright so S, sent me that tweet the other day. And legit it's hilarious and you all know it. But tonight I showed K and then later we were talking about something and he looks at me and he's like "ya right, he totally simba'd the fuck out of her".
bahahahahahahahahaha I seriously died. I was like really, did you actually just say that?
and he's like yep, better get used to it.

teacher.

I also got my practicum final assessment today and the categories are weak, below average, satisfactory, above average, superior, and exceptional. All of mine were exceptional and superior except like four were above average because of my tone of voice hahaha. Apparently I don't speak very well to six year olds understanding level.
I legitimately had the funniest day in my class which I'll explain tomorrow.

really cool university students.

Also at 10pm both K and I were in our beds lights out.

so funny.

We also spent like an hour tonight being super critical and arguing over who is better looking. I was fighting for my lady Adriana Lima and he was throwing out broads I've never heard of... like Christano Ronaldo's girlfriend. But it was funny because I was like yeah I think she's pretty.
The funniest part of it is that it started because I asked if he watched it yet and he's like no that's so gay B. And I argued with him saying it wasn't. Then he said did you watch gkjgu (some sort of wrestling something or other bahaha) and I was like fuck no. That's so lame. And he's like you know what you're lame and started beaking the hell out of me.
And I was like let me get this straight, you watch two guys fakely rolling around grabbing each other (aka gay porn) but you think watching mostly naked girls walk down a runway at a pretty reasonable concert and I'm gay? bahahaha yes, this is our life.

lucky I have a great roommate.

"What do you think keeps us from drifting apart but stops us from being together?"

Bahahahah okay, okay I'm a bitch I know. But seriously, this is such a funny thing. About a month ago, K's ex-girlfriend text him that one night. And he is such a goof and like acts like she's so awful and blah blah. It's so funny because he still like skypes with her and like talks to her lots. They are like number twelve and I in the fact they were kinda together for a lot longer than they were actually together. And I think he really does love her, but he'll never admit it. He's one of those guys. The one who is a complete douchebag ninety-nine percent of the time, but at the end of the day, he'd do anything for you if you really needed him to and he cared about you.
Honestly, I love K. He is so good to me. He does so much shit around the house without ever complaining and he tapes my shows for me and he takes out the garbage/ does recycling because he knows I hate it so much (Lethvegas is so stupid, they don't pick up your recycling... idiots. What would encourage people to recycle if you don't pick it up with garbage). And he picks me up when I'm drunk hahaha. But he's really big brotherly too. Like when I had my stalker issue he was like if you want me to come home right now I will. I'll take care of it if I need to. And this year, on the one year anniversary (fuck I make it sound like a celebration... I'm really celebrating the fact I survived and am doing okay) since I got assaulted, he was like I wish that fucker would come here so I could just kill the fucker. Take him out to the bar and I'll have a nice 'conversation' with him. And even when he heard about number twelve's sister he's like if number twelve wants someone to beat that fucker, I will. He's just like that. Super tough guy, asshole, makes fun of me all the time and makes me laugh with the rudest, most ridiculous comments, but would seriously do anything for me if I needed it.

6+6.

"Never stop thinking about him, even for a moment -
because that's the moment he'll appear."
-Carrie Bradshaw

wheat board.

Also, did you know the wheat board was dissolved on Monday? Yeah, apparently the Harper government had a vote on it and it is now gone. Interesting hey?

Funniest part is that my roommate didn't even know what it was. He's from BC but still hahaha.
And also hahaha I started making fun of DK in the class I learned about it in and he's like get a life blah blah starts beaking me back then I told him what I was learning about and he's like ya kay please feel free to make fun of me instead hahahaha.

you.

all she wants is just that something to hold on to,
that's all she needs.

I only want you to be happy, I'm just sorry it couldn't be with me.

Nate Archibald: "You still love her eh?"
Chuck Bass: "I can't imagine the day I won't."

Theres's no other way to explain it.

From the words of a male history professor:

"Most of us get power through love. Having someone's love gives you immense power. When someone loves you, they trust you and they will reveal parts of themself they aren't proud of."

Tonight was such a fucked night. I had an assignment due today so I did that and handed it in and then I came home and had like a two hour nap. And then I got up and while we were cooking supper the bitch upstairs was stomping around. Like she's seriously ignorantly rude all the time. She always slams drawers and stomps around and I just don't get it. So tonight she was stomping around so then K turned on the tv to a brutal music channel and then cranked it to piss her off (mature I know). So she stomped on the fucking ground. You're 45 and fat bitch stfu.
So then, I rush to the university to tutor. And for something fucking new she didn't show up. And I am actually strongly considering to quit tutoring her after I get paid. So THEN I come home and the bitch put on high heels to stomp around. Like are you fucking kidding me?
So I was like K, are you gonna be mad if I yell at her? And he was like nah. I don't think he actually thought I'd do it. And I was like take off your stupid fucking high heels. I legitimately yelled so loud and he just started killing himself laughing. He was cracking up and couldn't believe I actually snapped. I never do that and he's never really seen me mad hahah he listens to me bitch a lot but I was actually so mad. I'm so tired of inconsiderate people, like have some common fucking courtesy for others. And he just thought he was hilarious because he's like you are so shitty at being mad bahahaha and continually beaked me all night long.

love that fashion show.

I'm seriously going to the gym for 230858320385385923870239985 hours tomorrow. I love the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. I just think that it's incredible. The girls are so gorgous and usually in better shape (not completely disgustingly skinny). You look at models like Tyra Banks and she used to be a whole lot smaller than she is now, but she isn't a tiny girl by any means.
I don't know I just really like the creativity of VS's show because it's not like Derelicte (bahaha but seriously I'm so funny) it's like neat stuff. I mean how cool would it be to be an angel and wear one of those beautiful pink robes or like the last part was VS pink and it was really neat too.

adriana lima.

LOOK AT HER GORGEOUS EYES AND FLAWLESS EVERYTHING!

I'm mature, I swear.

I've also decided to be extremely mature (note my irony) and not text number twelve until he texts me. I just know that I need to focus on me and school and staying healthy and happy. I am in no way prepared to deal with our roller-coaster bullshit anytime soon and I know that it's going to take a lot for me to open up to him like before (well not really but he's going to have to make an effort).
I love him. Period. And I am always going to and I know that. But I love myself enough to know that he isn't always what is best for me. Yes, I want to be the girl who gets the fairy tale. The one who ends up after a long and treacherous love gets to be with the first boy she ever really fell in love with. And to be perfectly honest, he is probably the only boy I will ever love the way that I love him. But I want to keep my mind open. I'd say heart but we all know that's easier said than done.
Anyways I should really be doing homework right now but instead I'm going to watch gossip girl and likely eat something that isn't good for me (or an apple peanut butter because I am feeling very snacky!) I went to the gym today so I feel better about that but it was a half ass workout that's for sure. Oh well, better to go than not to go.

evacuation.

So last night was a disast haha. I thought it was a half joke when K texted me and said oh hey we're on evacuation watch. There was a big fire (two actually) and so people were getting evacuated. Now, I understnad that the wind here makes for a baaad grassfire and I actually saw the flames while I was driving home but seriously, this was majorly blown out of proportion. People were saying that my subdivison got evacuated and just generally making shit up. You weren't evacuated if you chose to leave before the police knocked on your door so tone it down.

he's perfect; but he's not you.

He just might make me smile but
the whole time I'm wishing he was you.

roughnecks.

So DK had his roughnecks tryouts this weekend. And I'm so proud of him. We talked a fair bit this weekend about it, which is unusual because he wasn't home and I was. Anyways, he had a lot of fun and he said it all went really well which is really good. I'm so happy for him. He's a good guy and he really deserves for this to work out. I hope it does because he's taking it really seriously. I mean I told him when I'd be home at Christmas and he was like good I can't wait to see you but I'll probably be playing lots of lax. And that's what I want for him, I mean that's the plan right. It's just nice because all I've ever known of him is how much he loves to party, you know? So it's really nice for me to see him trying to do something real and follow through on something really important and to want it that bad.
Anyways I just love those boys and I'm really excited for DK.

puzzle.

I wrote him a letter tonight too. There is a box of 27 letters beside my bed which means I've written him 28 letters. He never mentioned the one I sent to Calgary. I don't know. I guess I just am confused on what's going on. He initiated our texts lately and he made me feel guilty on Friday for not telling him I was there or stopping to see him. I don't know. I supposed I'm just so confused.

absent-mindedly making me want you.

It's been a hell of a week. Today I stopped in Calgary to see number twelve. I know, I know. What the hell was I thinking? I was doing so well, well sort of. I thought that I was beginning to crush on other boys and want other things in my life but if I'm honest, I know that's not the case. I just am tired of missing number twelve every day. I'm tired of always being sad about him. So I tried to do something about it.
Today seeing him was extremely awkward at first. I haven't seen him since the whole disaster bar scenario when I took care of his sister. I don't know I honestly love that kid with my whole heart and that's what's hard. I mean when I don't see him for that long, I can believe that I don't miss him. I can convince myself that I'll be okay without him. But seeing him just took all of that away. It completely destroyed all of the progress I'd made.
When I saw him today it was awkward. We barely spoke and just studied. Eventually we started talking a bit. And then more, and more. And then I realized that all I wanted was to keeo talking. I had so much to tell him and I wanted to hear everything about what he's been up to. And then he complimented my jeans, the jeans I have worn a thousand times that he usually beaks me about. And then he complimented my hair. And I was just so flustered because I knew it just destroyed everything. He gave me a hug and I wished he'd never let go. We kept talking and getting deeper into conversation even though he had already walked me to the door. And it took everything inside of me to fight back the tears that were burning my eyes. I walked outside and I texted S knowingly regretting what I'd just done. I got into my vehicle and broke down into tears.

wtf.

The weirdest thing happened to me tonight.
I was just chilling watching some tv when the weirdest number called so I answered and it was a psychic. WTF. How does that even happen?
She was like, "is there a man in your life?"
And I was like uhh no.
I need your name and birth date.
Who is this?
Cora.

Thus, I hung up because one I was so confused. Two because I was afraid it'd charge me. And three, WHAT THE FUCK?

rude.

This is going to sound really racist but seriously, why do asian people feel like they have the right to be extremely loud in the most inappropriate places. Like I'm sitting studying outside the advisors office and they are like literally yelling and just being generally disruptive. What makes you think this is appropriate? Like do you think since no one can understand what you're saying that you're allowed to be this arrogant?
I swear this is such a rude thing and it drives me absolutely nuts. Like why do you think it's okay to be that disrptive. It's the same people that are loud in the library. Like no we don't understand you're language, but that doesn't make it any less disruptive. Especially when you can clearly see someone studying and giving you a dirty 'shut the fuck up' look.

mr. johnson.

You don't always have to hold your head above your heart.

work sucks.

Soo I'm not sure if I blogged about my Christmas work disaster but basically they have me scheduled the 21, 23,24,26,28,30,31. And when I saw that I bascially said, "fuck that". It would be a waste to even come home for Christmas if that was my schedule. Like I wouldn't be home until 9 or 10 Christmas Eve (which would never fly because we celebrate Christmas Eve with my momma's family) and I'd have to be back here on the 26. If they give me the 23,24 off, I'd be willing to work New Year's and hopefully get an earlier shift. I mean even if I work until 5, I'd be able to make it home and go out with my friends. But the reason it bothers me is that there are people that live here that could work those days. I get no one wants to work the holidays but I don't live here. That's the issue.
So I kind of mentioned to my boss that I'd be in to talk to him and he's like please don't tell me you're giving you're two weeks and his entire face dropped and his voice just went completely oh fuck oh fuck. hahahahaha and I was like no no I'm not giving my two weeks, we just need to talk about the December schedule because the way it is now, I can't even go home for Christmas. And we agreed upon 5-8 hours a week. So basically he said he'll have my manager (who is dumb and useless as a fucking post I might add) look at it and then we'll talk. Basically if it comes down to it, I'll quit at the very beginning of December, get my two busy weeks (I'm done exams on the 16th at the latest (webct)) and then I'd get to be home for Christmas.

you're the one thing that I know for sure.

B- "I was doing so good. I hate that he texted me. I was soo happy. I know it's stupid and I'm so fucking mad at myself."
KG- "Do you like that he texted you though?"
"Yeah I miss him so much it's stupid. I was smiling like a fool yesterday.
"Well, what do you want?"
"Him, I just know he doesn't."
"How do you know that when he is still showing you some sort of affection?"
"I don't know, I'm scared to go there again."
"I can't give you my opinion because I'm not in your situation and I know if I was you I'd be running to him. In the end, we choose the ones that hurt us."
"He's the only one that evokes anything real in me."
"You sound all grown up."
"I just don't understand."
"It's not something you understand."
"I love him so much and I have done honestly everything to move on and at the end of the day he is the only one I want to be with. I wake up thinking about him. I fall asleep thinking about him. I know how stupid and ridiculous of a girl I sound like but I am just at a standstill."

I'm still fighting.

"Why is it always the ones that we want are the ones we can't have?"

"I don't know. All I know is we can't give up. Love is worth fighting for."

she'll always love him.

How come we can go months without talking and in a few texts it's like we spoke this morning? Honestly, it drives me nuts that with a few words, he has me smiling like a fool. It's stupid, I'm so flustered because he makes me smile in the simplest way. I love that boy so much it's not even funny. And I'd give anything for him to be here right now. And that's saying something because I kno the consequences of such a thing. But I would love nothing more than to just lay with my head perfectly in his chest and have him hold me all night long. I'd give anything to feel that safe for a night again.

She just looked me in the eye, said it's over; didn't try to lie or pick a fight.

In ain't exactly what I had in mind, for goodbye:
At a red light, in the sunshine, on a sunday
nothing to say, don't even try.
Some are coming home, some are leaving town
while my world's crashing down
on a sunday, in the sunshine, at a red light.


So this is how is ends,
this is where it all goes down;
this is what 'I don't love you feels like'.

seriously, he never fails.

So last night I was laying in bed talking to AM and DK and my sister. The boys were drinking and my sister and I were just chatting whatever. So my sister and AM have bbm and DK has an iphone. And my text messages make a different noise than my bbms. So I get the notification of a text and go to read it of course, assuming it's DK. Turns out it's not. Who is it? None other than my very own number twelve.
Now why in the hell did he text me at 12 am on a long weekend during which he likely assumed I was at home. I don't know the answer, please feel free to formulate your own opinion. Needless to say, I didn't answer him. And I feel a little bit bad but I don't think I'm ready to deal with that. I have two midterms this week and I don't have the time to deal with his garbage this week. If can only take the time to text me at midnight on a saturday, then it's not worth my time. Make an effort asshole.

crazy, stupid love.

This movie makes me so sad. It makes me feel so brutal because I just hate the discussion of soul mates in it. I don't even know if I believe in soul mates. But I hate how much they talk about fighting for the person you love over and over until you can't fight anymore. And I feel like I did that, so where's my happy ending?

yes, please.

adversity.

"Adversity is like a strong wind. It tears from us all but the things that cannot be torn so that we see ourselves as we really are."
-Arthur Golden.

best future wife.

I'm so brilliant. Like actually though. I am going to be the best wife in the whole world. Here's what I did today... I went to the gym, went to the store, came home and cleaned and did laundry then I made four different banana breads then I made supper and have been studying and watching movies and drinking wine hahahahahhahaa. I know perfect wife right?
I just need to find a husband that will make tons of money and has a smokin' hot bod. Well and hopefully he dresses well, is relatively nice and can make me laugh.
I have a distorted view of my future, I know that. I see a fairy tale ending that's highly unrealistic. And at 20, I think I'm okay with that. I am watching crazy stupid love and I just want some incredibly gorgeous Ryan Gosling who is cocky as fuck and dresses amazing and is ripped to shit and has a good heart deep down.

I told you that I was happy for you, and given the chance I'd lie again.

Just to see you smile, I'd do anything that you wanted me to.
When all is said and done, I'd never count the cost,
it's worth all that's lost;
just to see you smile.

lame.

Soooo I have been up for like 45 minutes and I had some breakfast and I'm going to digest it and do a bit of homework and then I'll go to the gym. I'm pretty stoked because I haven't gone in two days. I needed a break. Thursday I had class from 9:25-6 with a one hour break and then I tutored until 7. When I got home I was sooo tired. I actually had pizza that night I was soooo tired hahahaha.
Then yesterday I slept until almost 12. wtf is wrong with me. I'm always up before 10, like ALWAYS. I usually am up by 7:30-8 at the latest. And it was crazy. Then I just relaxed for like two hours hahaha then I showered and worked from 3-9. Then I came home, had supper and just relaxed. Watched Mystic Pizza, had some popcorn and studied for my neuroscience midterm.

Samuel's Gorge.

I tried a new kind of wine tonight. Well, a few actually. At work I tried two and they were both nasty. One was Bitch and it was a grenache. And the other was a shiraz but it was disgusting.
Then I bought one home and it is a shiraz by Samuel's Gorge and it is seriously incredible. Everyone I work with says it's just so incredible and so I bought it. And I opened it and I was terrified because it didn't smell overly great and it has licorice in it. And I hate licorice sooo I was grossed out. Then I tried it and it's actually really delicious. I'm pretty happy with it.

Remembrance Day

I'm so grateful for all of those that died for our freedom. I think it's so important to remember the people that fought for us and the brutality they lived. The worst part is that this is still going on, we are still using war as a way to solve issues. And in case history hasn't taught us yet, it's not working. So today, more than any other day, ,we remember those that fought for us. I thank my grandparents, may their souls rest in piece and all the others that fought for or were affected by the deaths of the war. We remember you.

In Flanders fields the poppies blow
Between the crosses, row on row,
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.

We are the Dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved and were loved, and now we lie
In Flanders fields.

Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders fields.

-John McCrae 1915