someday we'll know if love can move a mountain,
someday we'll know why the sky is blue,
someday we'll know why I wasn't meant for you.
Saturday, April 23, 2011
what do you do when love isn't enough.
I'm really frustrated with a lot of things about number twelve but I don't even know if it's worth talking about. I mean I'm frustrated because I love him, more than anything. I would give my life up for him. And he basically could care less that I even exist. And I'm doing my damnest to try to let it go but I don't feel like it's something I should let go of. It's too important to me. I still want him in my life. I guess I've just kind of hit a point where I have to stop caring. I have to somehow find a way to convince myself that I don't care anymore.
I don't understand more than anything, how you just throw someone you claim that you love away completely. I mean I understand things have to be different, but I called him in tears about something that had nothing to do with him and he didn't even call me back. How do you just quit caring. How does love like that just up and walk away.
Lately, I've seen a lot of things about boys who have to push a girl away because they aren't strong enough to deal with her. And I'm starting to think that's what it is. Because sometimes the only way we can get through the day is to push the people we love away. And I know I'm probably just naive and he doesn't care anymore and he's just over it all but I want to believe that he loved me. I believe he loves me. I know how ridiculous it sounds, I really do. I suppose I'm just trying to convince myself that he loved me. That all of it meant something. I don't know if I'll ever be okay without him, if I'll ever be okay to see him with someone else, or to be with someone else myself.
But I believe in our love. I really and truly believe in it, implicitly and unquestionable. I believe in the beauty of it. And I know that that was true love, us; we truly loved with all of our hearts. At least, I love him with all of my being.
I don't understand more than anything, how you just throw someone you claim that you love away completely. I mean I understand things have to be different, but I called him in tears about something that had nothing to do with him and he didn't even call me back. How do you just quit caring. How does love like that just up and walk away.
Lately, I've seen a lot of things about boys who have to push a girl away because they aren't strong enough to deal with her. And I'm starting to think that's what it is. Because sometimes the only way we can get through the day is to push the people we love away. And I know I'm probably just naive and he doesn't care anymore and he's just over it all but I want to believe that he loved me. I believe he loves me. I know how ridiculous it sounds, I really do. I suppose I'm just trying to convince myself that he loved me. That all of it meant something. I don't know if I'll ever be okay without him, if I'll ever be okay to see him with someone else, or to be with someone else myself.
But I believe in our love. I really and truly believe in it, implicitly and unquestionable. I believe in the beauty of it. And I know that that was true love, us; we truly loved with all of our hearts. At least, I love him with all of my being.
get a clue.
What part of this don't you understand?
He is always going to have my back before yours.
He is always going to have my back before yours.
this is old love.
"young love is about wanting to be happy.
old love is about wanting someone else to be happy."
old love is about wanting someone else to be happy."
romeo save me.
they're trying to tell me how to feel. this love is difficult, but it's real. don't be afraid, we'll make it out of this mess.
it's a love story, baby just say yes.
it's a love story, baby just say yes.
daddys are the only boys you can trust.
I am not the type of person to cry a lot. At least, I never used to be. I have found myself crying a lot recently. Like basically all the time, every day, at least once a day. It's kind of pathetic but then at the same time it's kind of healing; at least, I'd like to believe that.
Last night I cried in my daddy's arms for a good hour. I never cry in front of other people and I just bawled in his arms. We talked for awhile but for the most part I had a panic attack and he just held me tight. I bawled about everything, how stressed out I am, how hard I've worked in school and the lack of results, and mainly, number twelve. He tried to console me and to tell me that the rest of my broken hearts will get easier but more than anything he just held me tight. And I think that sometimes that's all you can do. Hold someone tight and cry until you can't cry anymore. Hold someone tight until you can convince them to believe, even for a second that love is someday going to be easy. Convince yourself, even for a split second that one day love won't be this painful.
Last night I cried in my daddy's arms for a good hour. I never cry in front of other people and I just bawled in his arms. We talked for awhile but for the most part I had a panic attack and he just held me tight. I bawled about everything, how stressed out I am, how hard I've worked in school and the lack of results, and mainly, number twelve. He tried to console me and to tell me that the rest of my broken hearts will get easier but more than anything he just held me tight. And I think that sometimes that's all you can do. Hold someone tight and cry until you can't cry anymore. Hold someone tight until you can convince them to believe, even for a second that love is someday going to be easy. Convince yourself, even for a split second that one day love won't be this painful.
she's a beautiful girl, she's a beautiful girl.
S has this inspiration blog and it is without a doubt the most inspiring thing. It just makes me feel like I might possibly some day be okay. I don't know how but it gives me hope. Check it out if you ever need to feel the same.
http://etherealair.tumblr.com/
http://etherealair.tumblr.com/
one too many chances.
I'm so unbelievably frustrated right now. I am so tired of being treated like a child. I screwed up, I apologized, now let it the fuck go. Not answering me is really mature and setting a fabulous example.
I have two sisters and a brother and an aunt who like to think that they are also my parents. And I appreciate that they love me, I really do but I also get really frustrated because for the most part I am a good person. I do things for others, I work hard in school and at work, I barely party. And still mature as I am 99.9 percent of the time, I'm treated like a child for the 0.1 percent of the time that I act that way.
I am so frustrated that my aunt still holds my sister on a pedastol after years of bullshit. She wasted thousands on partying and drugs and being a skankbag and I don't do drugs, I rarely drink and I slept with one boy for a year and a half and made a mistake for the other one. At nineteen years old, I think I'm doing well. But again and again, I'm treated like garbage.
I always go out of my way for everyone and never put myself first and I'm so frustrated that I'm not taken seriously. I'm tired of being sick and tired. I'm tired of putting my heart out to number twelve over and over and over and allowing him to crush it without thinking twice. I'm just so done. I'm done with bad friends, and bad influences and negativity. I'm the type of person to give seventeen chances and I always give one more than I should but I just want to believe in the best of other people. And I wish that once in awhile they'd give me the opportunity to do the same, the opportunity to prove them wrong. To be the better person. To give them a reason to believe that one more chance is enough.
I'm not perfect, I make mistakes every day. But I'm doing my best. Isn't that enough? Isn't that worth something? I'm trying to make something of my life and I'm trying to get rid of the people that bring down my energy so that I can be the best version of myself, so that I can be a productive member of society and help someone. That's all I really want out of life: to make a significant difference in someone else's life.
I have two sisters and a brother and an aunt who like to think that they are also my parents. And I appreciate that they love me, I really do but I also get really frustrated because for the most part I am a good person. I do things for others, I work hard in school and at work, I barely party. And still mature as I am 99.9 percent of the time, I'm treated like a child for the 0.1 percent of the time that I act that way.
I am so frustrated that my aunt still holds my sister on a pedastol after years of bullshit. She wasted thousands on partying and drugs and being a skankbag and I don't do drugs, I rarely drink and I slept with one boy for a year and a half and made a mistake for the other one. At nineteen years old, I think I'm doing well. But again and again, I'm treated like garbage.
I always go out of my way for everyone and never put myself first and I'm so frustrated that I'm not taken seriously. I'm tired of being sick and tired. I'm tired of putting my heart out to number twelve over and over and over and allowing him to crush it without thinking twice. I'm just so done. I'm done with bad friends, and bad influences and negativity. I'm the type of person to give seventeen chances and I always give one more than I should but I just want to believe in the best of other people. And I wish that once in awhile they'd give me the opportunity to do the same, the opportunity to prove them wrong. To be the better person. To give them a reason to believe that one more chance is enough.
I'm not perfect, I make mistakes every day. But I'm doing my best. Isn't that enough? Isn't that worth something? I'm trying to make something of my life and I'm trying to get rid of the people that bring down my energy so that I can be the best version of myself, so that I can be a productive member of society and help someone. That's all I really want out of life: to make a significant difference in someone else's life.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
never fall in love, he swears.
and I could tell you, his favorite color's green.
he loves to argue, oh and it kills me.
his sister's beautiful and he has his father's eyes;
and if you asked me if I l o v e him,
I'd lie.
he loves to argue, oh and it kills me.
his sister's beautiful and he has his father's eyes;
and if you asked me if I l o v e him,
I'd lie.
twelve.
I nearly broke you with my inability to open up my heart.
But you're still strong and beautiful and kind-hearted as ever.
But you're still strong and beautiful and kind-hearted as ever.
why now?
I always felt like something was missing. And I guess I just finally got tired of pretending that feeling would go away.
luke.
"She fell for you when you were a different guy, a lesser guy. Maybe you should remember the real her even when she's lesser too."
the swinging donkey.
"If he's not going to be there for you you have to start being there for yourself. Just wake up every morning and live your life."
"What if he comes back?"
"Well then it's up to you."
"What if he comes back?"
"Well then it's up to you."
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