Stupid girl.

I knew this would happen. Fuck.

Butterflies.

So I am sitting here thinking about today. I am supposed to go walk Duke later and I am like playing in my head all these things and I am terrified it will be awkward. Like I really do want to go walk Duke but I'd be lying if I said I didn't have feelings for J. 

I know all these other girls who he is as a person and I haven't been able to say that about ANY male in a long time. I have basically been looking at men who are physically attractive because I didn't want to get hurt like the whole number twelve situation. And now I see J every day and I find myself wishing I was at work so I could spend more time with him.
And I know that some of the people I'm close with like CG and ER are starting to notice. ER always makes comments but she has been rooting for us the entire time. CG makes comments and I think she knows but she knows I won't act on it so she doesn't explicitly say anything. I hated lying to her last week when she asked me but I am just not ready to own up to it because if she told him it would be so awkward every day at work. 

Last night I was literally planning WHAT TO WEAR today. I am NOT this person. Like I'm going to hang out with his dog hahaha how ridiculous am I? I wonder what Duke would like me to wear. Fuck. I sound so stupid. 

Circa early 2000s

I have spent the most of the morning listening to Hilary Duff, Ashlee Simpson, S Club 7 and O-town videos. I'm actually pissing myself laughing right now.

I melt every time you look at me that way.

I'm going to take J's dog for a walk tomorrow and tonight he told me I look very good not in work clothes. :)

Throwback to SClub7 discussion tonight.

"I never found the words to say,you're the one I think about each day and even though I pretend that I moved on, a part of me will always be with you. "

That's the difference.

I'm pretty sure half of the girls I work wirh hate me and the other half think I am sleeping with my boss so that's a good place to be I guess.
Yesterday I said something I thought about thw way the floor was and a girl looked at me and said you should tell them that because they will actually listen to what you have to say. I don't think she meant anything by it but I was a little bit taken aback because I basically want to say to every girl who has a problem with my relationships with the owners/managers: look, I've known them just as long as you have but I come into work every day with a positive attitude and don't bitch and complain about everything all the time. I work hard to show that I am capable and enjoy my job. I'm honest and hardworking. And in most of my life I would never admit to deserving to be acknowledged for that. And I really appreciate being acknowledged and appreciated for my work ethic and attitude. Maybe instead of bitching and complaining about me and my job you focus on you and your own job.
Another thing happened last night that kind of made me feel bad because I genuinely think it's a difference in the way we were raised. So J was trying to get CB's attention and he said her name like 3 times and finally she said what?! And he told her whatever he had to say. Then he said, by the way I prefer yes, not what. And she didn't understand and he was like I don't appreciate you speaking to me like that. She was incredibly insulted but in his position, I think he was justified to say something. I mean, at the end of the day, he's your boss.
A few minutes later he asked if he could do something for me and I said yes, please. And when he did it I said thank you. So while CB was standing next to me he said I appreciate your manners so much B. Thank you for always being so polite.
She shot me daaaaggers.
And while I think it was kind of prickish of him to say that to me in front of her, I understand why he did. Tonight we talked about it and I even said to him you are going to make girls just hate me. And he was just like well they should act more like you. You're not doing anything wrong, you were just raised properly.

I just want them so bad.

I wish I was rich enough to buy $2000 shoes like it was no big deal.

You are priceless.

I think what's difficult for me regarding J sometimes is that I get sick of being alone. I feel like everyone I know has found someone or at least has a short span between their string of someones. And I think that's a significant part of why I held on so tightly to the idea of number 12 and I. I wanted to still have someone even though it was painful and challenging and toxic at times. There were also some fundamental differences between the way that number 12 and I were raised.
I think that's something I admire in J. He idolizes his mother. He saw her strength. And he was raised properly. He was raised to be kind and intelligent and to treat others, especially women, well. And sure he can be an arrogant asshole who's too obsessed with himself and a cocky smartass. But I think at the end of the day he has a great heart and he loves and cares deeply for others. He's been broken though, so he hides it. And that's something I see mirrored in myself. He makes me believe that I could be great with somebody other than number 12. He makes me believe in my own self worth and that is priceless.

Appreciation.

Just out of curiosity I googled the cost of an Armani rain jacket and it's somewhere between 400-1200$. That is a lot of trust from someone I've known 2 months.

I love gentlemen.

Tonight, he gave me his computer code which gives me unlimited access to anything in the computer system. It was also a tsunami outside so he also gave me his ARMANI jacket to wear home so I wasn't soaking wet. I honestly fell in love a little bit more because it reiterated how much of a gentleman he is. That is instilling an incredible amount of trust in me and I appreciate that more than I can verbalize. I would never abuse that trust but it makes me feel nice to know he trusts me enough to do that. 

Is this what happy feels like?

I have so much to say but no desire to write it.