page 13, Atlas Shrugged.

"She sat listening to the music. It was a symphony of triumph. The notes flowed up, they spoke of rising and  they were rising itself, they were the essence and the form of upward motion, they seemed to embody every human act and thought that had ascent as its motive. It was a sunburst of sound, breaking out of hiding and spreading open. It had the freedom of release and the tension of purpose. It swept space clean, and left nothing but the joy of an unobstructed effort. Only a faint echo within the sounds spoke of that from which the music had escaped, but spoke in a laughing astonishment at the discovery that there was no ugliness or pain, and there never had to be. It was a song of immense deliverance.
She thought: For just a few moments-- while this lasts-- it is all right to surrender completely-- to forget everything and just permit yourself to feel. She thought: Let go-- drop the controls-- this is it.
Somewhere on the edge of her mind, under the music, she heard the sound of train wheels. They knocked in even rhythm, every fourth knock accented, as if stressing a conscious purpose. She could relax, because she heard the wheels. She listened to the symphony thinking: This is why the wheels have to be kept going, and this is where they're going. "

human existence.

"They boy's smile vanished. It was as if he were jolted back to reality, just as she had been a few moments ago. It was as if a shutter were slammed down, and what remained was a face without expression, impersonal, indifferent, and empty."
-pg. 14 Atlas Shrugged

page 23.

"That's alright for you, because you're lucky. Others can't do it."
"Do what?"
"Other people are human. They're sensitive. They can't devote their whole life to metal and engines. You're lucky- you've never had any feelings. You've never felt anything at all."

"he never felt lonliness, except when he was happy"

"People, he thought, were as hungry for a sight of joy as he had always been-- for a moment's relief from that gray load of suffering which seemed so inexplicable and unnecessary. He had never been able to understand why men should be unhappy."

- pg. 32 Atlas Shrugged

ayn rand.

"What did they seek from him?-- thought Rearden-- what were they after? He had never asked anything of them; it was they who wished to hold him, they who pressed a claim on him-- and the claim seemed to have the form of affection, but it was a form which he found harder to endure than any sort of hatred. He despised causeless affection, just as he despised unearned wealth. They professed love for him for some unknown reason and they ignored all the things for which he could wish to be loved."

-page 37 Atlas Shrugged

that kind of beautiful.

the last thing you think about is leaving,
and you can't believe you're seeing what you're seeing.

and all the memories that accompany you.

hey fearless, FUCK YOU.

atlas shrugged.

"Do not let your fire go out. Spark by irreplaceable spark in the hopeless swaps of the not quite, the not-yet and the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish in lonely frustration for the life you deserve but have never been able to reach. The world you desire can be won. It exists... it is real... it is possible.. it's yours."
- Ayn Rand

why you gotta make me keep wanting you?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5j9GfGbhaUY

Listen to this song, it's amazing.

why you gotta show up in an old t-shirt that I love?

That's exactly it. I can't figure out if I want to feel something or nothing.

the burn and the sting and the high and the heat.

I wrote again last night for the first time in a long time. I don't mean blog, I mean really write in the true divinity of the world. I forget the serenity I feel while I write. The solace that envelops me as I put my hand on a piece of paper with a pen. It's silly really, how I can find such contentment in printing a few words. But I do.
I wrote number twelve a letter because I layed awake thinking about him and stressing for a good two hours before I decided to do something about it. I guess I just have so much to say and that is sometimes hard because I don't really know if he ever read this. And if he did, I think he'd be upset that I put some of the words out there for others to hear, even the people that don't know us because our relationship is between him and I and that's the way he wants it to be.
I guess I don't really write how I really feel about him on here either because it really is just for him to know. It's not that I don't want the world to know that I love him. There's just some things that I will never open up enough to strangers about. It's silly but I have to keep the world at arms reach. It's in my nature. I suppose I just don't trust anybody. I don't even really trust myself anymore.
I wonder if there's a reason I don't trust or if it's just who I am. And yeah you could say that trust is a choice. But it's really not. There are people in this world that have not even done anything to me to make me not trust them but I just don't. You can try and trust someone but at the same time, your guts either do or they don't trust someone. And my guts are very strong deciding forces in my life.
I'm just carrying so much that I shouldn't be carrying. Like yesterday I went for a drink at ojs with some work friends and ended up getting pretty drunk off tequila shots. That's not who I am. I'm just trying to feel something or nothing. I don't know.

thanks, s.

inspire me please.

I used to write so much. Not like blogging, like actual writing. And I just have no inspiration anymore. I don't know how to get it back. I know I can write well. Not in a cocky or arrogant way, in an accepting and appreciating a gift I was born with. I just have nothing to say. I have nothing I'm really excited about. I have nothing that makes me look forward to getting up in the morning. My mom thinks I might be depressed because I have lost so much weight and I am never really happy and in all honesty I never really realized how much weight I'd lost until today when I went down two sizes in a jacket. I don't know. I'm just so blah. There are no words. Apathetic doesn't even begin to describe how I feel.

the way you lie.

it's what you do,
it's who you are.

luongo chokes again.

I'm in a really funny mood tonight. Hopefully life picks up. I was in an alright mood and then I only had one table tonight and on it waas a 400$ bill and they wanted to split it. But then the member told me he'd take it all so I have to listen to him. He didn't even give me 15 percent, AND there was 11 people. Like it seems to me that you should always give 15 percent especially if you have good service and I can assure you it was great service. And when you have over eight people you should especially consider tipping more than you normally would because things can become a giant clusterfuck with that many people and it's really frustrating.
Anyways CH was a sweetheart tonight and gave me a big hug and asked me if we could make sweet love hahahaha so that cheered me up a bit. He makes me laugh; we have a very love hate relationship. But all I thought about was number twelve so now I'm going to go be a Debbie the downer and eat some ice cream to cheer myself up and hopefully not cry myself to sleep. Okay? Okay. Night.

I have so much to do today, it's ridiculous.

1) Pick up my cheque and desposit it and my gov't cheque.
2) Book hair appointment.
3) Buy new shampoo.
4) Go to walmart and buy miscellaneous items including draino.
5) Laundry.
6) Find a Gym.
7) Garbages.

I work at five so I'd better go get in the shower haha.

marco!

I want these earrings so bad. I am bad for name brands not because of the name brand but because of the quality. I know how ridiculous it sounds but I don't buy like roxy or billabong or whatever kind of purses etc. I buy coach bags because they are beautiful and they are real leather and they last well and I take care of them. Same with my jeans. I have jeans that I've had for a year and they fit me better than any pair of jeans I've ever owned and look brand new a year later.

hangover II, yes please.

You should buy and listen to this CD.

lo and lc.

I really love both of these girls because they are just so beautiful and classy I think. Coming from a reality tv show I think they are just really good role models. I really like them both. I think that the fact that Lo went to school and got her degree and is doing something with her life is amazing. And Lauren, well I don't even know where to begin. I just love her. I think she's so classy like she was smart and took an internship that was not always ideal and she built up contacts until she could build her own clothing line which is what she always wanted to do. Then she's writing books and being a positive role model for young girls. It's nice to see.

you'll always be my dream come true.

I wanna hear you say,
I remember you.

her dreams unguarded, she was such an easy target.

She stopped counting the times her heart's been broken.
Too many promises, too many tears.
Yeah each time somebody hurt her, she fell a little bit further.

It's not that there's no love left inside,
she's just heard one too many goodbyes.

nerd.

Also I would really appreciate if the materials for my class would stop being queued and pending and just be sent already. I want to start this damn class. I'm actually realy excited for it. Wow, I'm such a nerd. It's summer and I'm like wheuuu summer class please start already I miss school. hahahaha I'm so ridiculous sometimes. But I do actually really want the materials to be in so I can start it and therefore I will not have to work so hard to do it all in August.
Ideally I'd like to be done by the end of July so that I can have all of August off to regroup and be fresh and ready for a long year and brutal semester in the fall. Well, here's hoping.

stone angel.

I kind of lashed out on number twelve the other day. I just got so tired of him telling me he wanted to hang out and he wanted to see me and that he'd  text me etc. when he made zero effort. I told him that actions speak louder than words. And in all honesty, they really do. I mean I know he still cares which is all I wanted to know all along. He's just so him. I don't know how else to explain it. He's so afraid to let me back in and I get it, I'd be the exact same way. And I never believed him when he told me he'd always be there, that he'd never leave me to be hurt like before. And when I believed him, he was gone. I think that's why I try so hard to make sure he knows that I'm not going anywhere. Because that's what I'd want. Listen to the song 'The Other Side of the Door' by Taylor Swift. I know that everything he's telling me is different than what he's showing me. And what he's saying and doing is not what is in his heart. He's afraid. And he doesn't want me to wait because if I wait then I prove him wrong. And I prove that everything we have been through was worth it. And while all those things sound great, if I do that and he lets me back in, I'll have the chance to hurt him again. And that is a fear more terrifying than any other.
The other day I told him that I was tired of just talking about going to do something and I wanted us to actually go. The asshole inside him came out and he said yeah well I just don't care. And I called him out on it. Because despite what he says, I know that he does care. And I told him that. I told him fine, you don't care that's up to you. But I do care. And I think you care too. And that's what you're afraid of. Seeing me the other night scared you because all those feelings came back and you realized that you do care. It's easy to pretend you don't care and convince yourself that you don't care when you don't see the person you love. Out of sight, out of mind. But the opposite is true as well. Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
I told him that I wasn't going to be putting up with his bullshit anymore. I was kind of mean actually but I just hit a wall where I needed to be honest. I basically said "I am so fucking worried about you that's why I wanted to see you. Good luck with your friends that encourage you to drink and party and do fuck all with your life. When you remember the type of person you want to be, I'll be there". I know it was harsh but sometimes that's the only thing that works, especially for 20 year old boys. I am genuinely really worried about him because for a year and half he lectured me on drinking and partying and hanging out with the wrong types of people and going to the bar and not doing things to advance you in life. And it really hit home for me and I started to change because all the things he was saying made sense. Drinking is a waste of money and it does make me sick and I have had some awful things happen to me. And I want to set my life on a better path than that. That's why I work so hard at school and have three jobs and exhaust myself in every way possible. He's lost like 15-20 lbs and he drinks and parties and he was more stressed out than I've ever seen him. I know how much pressure his parents put on him but I also know how muhc pressure he puts on himself. It seems silly to me because he just so incredible. And he has so much going for him. And I was worried the entire time he was in Calgary because he isolated himself so much but now he's just not even himself at all and I think that worries me even more. I don't even think he goes to the gym or works out anymore. I just want him to be happy. But in my heart of hearts, I don't think he is and I feel a responsibility to try and make him happy. Or at least, help him realize what will make him happy.

cheating.

I think I figured it out, why I can't move on. Every time any boy comes near me or talks to me or makes an advance a me, I feel like I'm cheating on him, number twelve I mean. The thought of even being with someone else feels like cheating. I cannot comprehend what it would be like to be with someone else. We are not together and we haven't been for awhile. But that's how I feel. I feel like if I ever let somebody else in, that I would be cheating number twelve. I would be robbing myself and him of something that should never be robbed. The idea of opening my heart up to new love feels like cheating on my old love. So where do I go from here?

I'm not sorry.

I'm sorry. Sometimes I get jealous when I think about the fact that someone else could make you happier than I can.

I'd have waited forever if you asked me to.

See, you know that you have me, but I can't say the same for you. I don't know if I have you or if I ever will, that's what breaks my heart. I can't spend my entire life waiting for you to decide or to believe that we'll make it.

he's that kind of beautiful.

she's that kind of stop you right in your tracks,
knock you out, just like that,
something you just can't explain.
that kind to blow your mind, thought that you would never find
she's that kind, she's that kind of beautiful.

sunshine.

Emerson Drive played at the RDGCC last night and it was amazing. I love the Love of Children tournament. It's so fun because we just get to work outside in the tent party serving liquor to people with waaaay too much money while they enjoy a private concert.
Last year George Canyon played and it was really good but I LOVE Emerson Drive so it was really neat that they played this year. I just really enjoy a lot of their songs. I went to that concert with sunshine ironically. In all honesty it was a really good concert when we went too. And right now I am smiling/laughing at how ridiculously infatuated with that kid I was. It's funny really. I genuinely want good things for him because he is a wicked guy and one day he is going to make some girl extremely happy. His brother was there last night (ironically with PD's ex-girlfriend... random! But she's absolutely gorgeous so it's not surprising). It used to be really awkward when I saw SB or any of the B family actually. But Momma B is sooo nice to me all the time. Like she asks all about my life and how I'm doing, gives me a hug etc. And S used to just be polite, which is appreciated but a few weeks ago he started actually acknowledging that he knows me more personally and like talking to me and using my name etc. rather than simply being polite.
That really means a lot to me because I never meant to hurt sunshine. I just couldn't sit back and let him hurt me over and over and over again. I let it happen too many times and I was just so unbelievably consumed by everything about him. He was like my prince charming, you know; he was from a good family, very well-off, educated, kind, thoughtful, he opened my doors, paid for everything, just a real gentleman. We had amazing conversations that lasted for hours and hours and continued from the moment one of us woke up until the moment one of us fell asleep. It was a really good connection. But I wasn't willing to put up with the way he treated me while he dated someone else. In my opinion, if you are in a relationship, you should be dedicating your time to the person you are in a relationship. You should be opening up to them and you should be confiding in them and you should learn to trust them. I greatly appreciate all the things that sunshine did for me, I really do; I'm just very glad that I realized I needed to put myself first for awhile. I miss him some days and in all honesty, I really wish that we could be friends again. However, he's not ready and he may never be and I can accept that gracefully. I find it comforting to know that I meant enough to him for it to have all meant something, for him to still be hurting, for him to still care.

maybe if I tell you enough times you'll believe me.

I promised myself that I would say goodbye, that I would move on, that I would let you go.
But here I am, still reminding you that I love you.

I feel so beautiful today.

you're just so typical that you can't break me.

strawberrytelle.

"it's funny how you can be so hurt by the person you least expected it from."