luke scott.

"does this darkness have a name? this cruelty , this hatred, how did it find us? did it steal into our lives or did we seek out and embrace it? what happened to us? that we now send our children into the world like we send young men to war... hoping for their safe return... but knowing that some will be lost along the way. when did we lose our way? consumed by the shadows, swallowed whole by the darkness. does this darkness have a name? is it your name?"

tennessee williams.

"when so many are lonely as seem to be lonely,
it would be inexcusably selfish to be lonely alone."

lonely.

i'm so scared right now. and i'm really not even sure i have anything to be afraid of. i just don't know what's going on in my life and it scares me so much. and being in the middle of a police investigation and worrying and i just am so ____. i have no words to describe how i feel.

it finally hit me.

i am an absolute mess.

everything out of reach someone bigger brought down to you.

Wasn't it beautiful when you believed in everything?
And everybody believed in you.

Always a bigger bed to crawl into.

Wasn't it easier in your lunch box days?

again, stolen from s.

Ten How's
How did you get one of your scars?
Physical or emotional? I decided it'd be a great idea to run down a steep hill with my puppy and ate the ground thus destroying my knees.
How did you celebrate your last birthday?
I celebrated for the weekend. I went to cow town and spent two days with number twelve, had a nice supper with my daddy and him. I came home, visited my family, my momma made me supper and then I had a small house party and went to the bar with my friends. Family supper in cow town the next night.
How are you feeling at this moment?
Exhausted. In every way shape and form I am exhausted. I really don't know how to feel.
How did your night go last night?
You mean other than being pulled out of a truck by my hair and offered cocaine? It was just peachy.
How did you do in high school?
Pretty good. I slacked pretty bad, especially in grade 12 but I was an honour student the entire time.
How did you get the shirt you're wearing?
I'm wearing a hoodie from lulu lemon and I bought it just because it is extremely comfortable.
How often do you see your best friend?
Not often enough. I couldn't pick just one but I don't see any of them enough.
How much money did you spend last month?
I don't think anything other than gas, groceries and going out.
How old do you want to be when you get married?
22-25. I'm not really sure that's going to happen though.
How old will you be on your next birthday?
20 and now I'm completely reconsidering changing my answer for the previous question. Sheesh I'm getting old.

SevenWhat's
Your mother's name?
B.
What did you do last weekend?
Studied for three days straight with number twelve. It was perfect.
What is the most important part of your life?
I can't pick just one. My family is important to me, good friends, writing, and especially being myself.
What would you rather be doing?
Laying in number 12's arms.
What's the most important thing you look for in a significant other?
Security. I have to feel safe when he's in my presence. I have to know that I'm going to be okay because he loves me enough to take care of me.
What are you worried about?
I'm not even going to go there, it'll be a long freaking list.
What did you have for breakfast?
I didn't. Nurse at the hospital wouldn't even let me drink my coffee.

Six Have You's
Have you ever had your heart broken?
Yep. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
Have you ever been out of the country?
Yes I love to travel. I think I've been to nine countries now.
Have you ever done something outrageously dumb?
You betcha.
Have you even been back stabbed by a friend?
Who hasn't? Experience suggests I try to pick better friends these days.
Have you ever dated someone younger than you?
Nope, maybe it's just me but I find that really weird. Even if he was like six months younger than me I think it would bother me.
Have you ever read an entire book in one day?
Probably, I'm kind of a nerd.

Six Who's
Who was the last person you saw?
My sister.
Who was the last person you texted?
I don't know my phone is MIA. Probably number 12 or phlg.
Who was the last person you hung out with?
My daddy and sister.
Who was the last person to call you?
Number twelve.
Who did you last hug?
My daddy.
Who was the last person you said, 'I love you' to?
My sister and daddy when they went to bed.

Five Where's
Where does your best friend live?
Approximately 3 blocks from my daddy's house.
Where did you last go?
The hospital.
Where did you last hang out?
My sister's.
Where do you go to school?
L.A. also known as Lethvegas.
Where is your favorite place to be?
Number twelve's arms. Geographically speaking, North Carolina. Duke University to be specific.

Four Do's/Does
Do you love someone?
Yes, very much.
Do you think anyone likes you?
I'd like to think so yes.
Do you ever wish you were someone else?
No, not really. I mean it would be cool to be a celebrity or a princess for a few days but I'm pretty content with who I am. Or at least, who I used to be.
Does the future scare you?
Honestly, yes. But at the same time, fear ruins everything. I can control what happens in my future to a certain degree, and what I can't isn't really worth stressing. (You have no idea how long it's taken number twelve to teach me to think this way).

Four Why's
Why are you best friends with your best friend(s)?
She saved me from committing suicide about 7 years ago. And the rest because they love me for me and make me laugh.
Why did you get a facebook account?
It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Why did your parents give you the name you have?
My momma heard my first name somewhere and really liked it. And my middle name is my grandmother on my daddy's side's name.
Why are you doing this survey?
I wanted to distract myself from my own thoughts.

Three If's
If you could have one superpower what would it be?
I really don't know. It'd be nice to be harry potter-esque and be able to fly on a broom and transport via flew powder ad port keys and still be able to fix things with magic. Wow, I'm a nerd.
If you could go back in time and change one thing, would you?
If you asked me this question yesterday I would have said no. I am who I am because of what I've been through and I'm pretty content with that. Sure there's some things I'd probably have done differently but at the same time I can't so no sense looking back. Right now, I'd like to go back to yesterday and not drink anything so I could remember last night and not be in the middle of this situation.
If you were stranded on a deserted island and could bring one thing what would it be?
Number 12.

One Would You Ever
Would you ever go sky diving?
I highly doubt it. I'm not big on that kinda stuff. But I'd go sky diving before I'd go bungee jumping.

One Last Question
Are you happy with your life right now?
Not really, no. Happiness is a condition, not a destination. It is fleeting. and my happiness has definitely taken a vacation.

dynamic.

it's funny how much a person can change in such a short time.

it'll only take a minute, to tell you everything.

be a best friend, tell the truth and overuse i love you.
go to work, do your best, don't outsmart your common sense.
never let your praying knees get lazy.
and love like crazy.

humble.

i now understand how s feels when people tell her they like her blog. i mean i thoroughly enjoy reading her blog but i think it's kind of neat that other people who could be your neighbour or they could be on the opposite side of the world. i really needed to hear that today, that someone likes my blog. it kind of gave me hope after today. so thank you to the anonymous person who told me you enjoy my blog.

i just wanna feel okay again.

you have pointed out my flaws again,
as if i don't already see them.

a fine mess.

i don't feel anything at all. or maybe i feel everything so deep. i'm not sure what to do right now. i don't know how to feel or what to think or how to function. i can't think straight. i'm shaking. i'm so cold. my hands and feet are like purple because they are so cold. i'm just an absolute mess beyond comprehension.

please come home.

all that i was is for number 12 to come hold me in his arms all night long. i would do anything for a hug from him right now.

in flanders fields.

oh yeah, happy remembrance day.

terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day

this morning i woke up in a random person's apartment in lower fairview. they told me that last night they saw someone pull me out of a truck by my hair and leave me on the side of the road so they picked me up to make sure i was okay. then they asked me if i wanted to do a line of cocaine.
i then was picked up by my sisters and my phone was missing and proceeded to go to the hospital where i had  sexual assualt kit done and spoke with a police officer. i'm now the victim in an ongoing assualt police investigation.

all you're ever gonna be is mean.

i bet you got pushed around, somebody made you cold;
but the cycle ends right now cause you can't lead me down that road.
and you don't know what you don't know.

only a few more hours.

done midterms, check.
packing, in progress.
home for five whole days, doesn't get much better than that.

life unexpected.

what happened to guys night??
what always happens, girls ruined it.

red wine is my love.

my roommate is really growing on me. we're thoroughly enjoying some quality cw time right now. haha he watched the end of one tree hill with me and now we're watching life unexpected. haha and wine and beer of course. it's quite a lovely way to end a terrible week of studying.

i bet we'd find it more often if we looked at it that way.

happiness is a condition not a destination.

wolfblass yellow label.

red wine is God's gift to the world, especially me after a day with 2 midterms and a terrible assignment.

tomorrow can't come fast enough.

i blew my econ midterm today and also got my history paper back and bombed that. i got 92 on my native studies paper though yay. but i am extremely unprepared for the psych test i'm going to write. i could study for 3 days and then write it but instead i'm going to write it tonight and go home tomorrow. i cannot wait to be home.

live with no regrets.

it's hard to hate what got me here.

patsy cline.

you want me to act like we've never kissed.
you want me to forget, pretend like we've never met.
and i've tried, and i've tried, but i haven't yet.
you walk by and i fall to pieces.

robert frost says so.

love is an irrestistable desire to be irresistably desired.

why is he so nice to me?

"i've come to the conclusion that chocolate is my weakness."
"finally, we found a flaw."

nothing does.

you still don't get it do you.
none of it matters without you.

every single night.

did some things you can't speak of,
but at night you live it all again.

love is pain.

never get into a relationship, they only equal hurt.

insomnia.

as per usual i didn't fall asleep until like 2 hours later last night.

the human condition.

like i said, i need sleep. it's almost 11. friday i went to bed at like 9:30. seriously, i'm going to sleep.

be strong, push through.

i think there i something wrong with me. i hate the doctor but i actually have to go friday. i have slept an excessive amount lately and that's unusual for me. i usually sleep like 6-7 hours and i'm golden but i've been exhausted lately. let's hope it's anemia, that's a fixable problem and is unlikely to kill me (i hope). i'd prefer anemia to mono. i suppose it could just be exhaustion. like complete physical, mental and emotional exhaustion. it has been a long few months and that could very well be the issue. it's getting to the point when i burn out. november does that to me.

stolen from s, love it.

"you know what i think we are most afraid of? not knowing. not knowing whether it's all really worth it. not knowing if you should give up or keep fighting. not knowing why you do the things you do; not knowing the purpose. it's like when you're little and you touch the stove and get burned, because you didn't know that it was hot. not knowing has always hurt us, from the very beginning."

the story of us.

yesterday i wasn't feeling well, so i layed down and had a nap on his bed. he came in his room, kissed my forehead and said if you need anything i'm only a few feet away. i'll be studying and watching over you making sure you're alright. then he covered me in blankets and waited patiently for me to wake up.

today our alarm went off at 7:30. i think he got up at about 8- 8:30 and he said go back to sleep gorgeous, close your eyes, i'll wake you up in a half hour. then again he kissed my forehead, and tucked me in so i wouldn't be cold without his arms around me. a short while later he came and sat of his bed with a nice fresh mug of coffee, put it in front of my nose and woke me up. then we layed in his bed for a good hour or two just talking and laughing and seriously enjoying being together. we talked about the future and where it might take us and he reminded me to just enjoy the little things and live for right now. then we spent the day doing homework.

i've found you find strength in your moments of weakness.

i'm really quite drained right now. i'm in excruciating pain, screw being a girl. also my weekend was lovely. i spent two days with number 12. we didn't do much other than study and enjoy each others company. it was perfect. he's not really the open your door, chivalrous, bullshit and try and impress you type. he is just him which i find intoxicating. he was incredibly sweet this weekend, thoughtful and it was really nice to just be us.