inspiration.

i imagine that right now you're baffled by the long informing post i sent's music choices (re: no taylor swift). i couldn't pick just one taylor swift song because all of her songs have affected me and impacted me in some way so picking one might underestimate her music as a whole has affected me because it has. i wrote a post once about her music and it was short words of advice and each piece of advice was a lyric from her songs.if i find it, then i'll edit this post and tell you where to find it. taylor swift's words have changed my life. all of them.

keith scott.

if you want your relationship to move forward, at some point you've got to let go of the past and start writing a new future.

friends with benefit.

this girl has so much to offer the world, if only she could see it.

stolen from s.

Ten Things About Yourself.
1) I'm my own biggest critic.
2) I care about other people to the point of sheer exhaustion; mental, physical and emotional.
3) I really love starbucks and tim horton's in the winter.
4) My family and friends are integral to my existence. I prefer to surround myself with people who aren't afraid to tell me the truth, cold, hard, painful truth.
5) I really want to do somethign great in my life. I want to make a difference. I suppose that's why I'm in education, I want to make an impact on people the way that others have impacted me.
6) I wish I had the courage to pack up and leave, the courage to go somewhere big like new york or los angeles or london. I wish I had the courage to go somewhere that no ones knows my name.
7) I'm really self conscious but you'd never know it.
8) I think that if my life were a reality show it'd do better than the hills or laguna beach or jersey shore. I think people would enjoy it because they could relate to real-life not fake hollywood and it'd probably make them feel better about their own lives.
9) I can be arrogant and overconfident. I find solace in writing and reading my own writing inspires me sometimes.
10) I really just want to fall in love. And have the same someone fall in love with me.

Nine Things You've Thought About Recently.
1) Getting into shape again. I don't think skinny is sexy, I think healthy is sexy.
2) How much I screwed up things with number 12.
3) Losing myself. And working on finding myself again.
4) School and if this is what I really want. It's not my first dream but it's safe. I'd be a record producer if I had the courage to get up and leave.
5) My dad and how worried I am about him. He's really changing and I worry about him.
6) My sister. She's my best friend, I'd do absolutely anything for her. I want her to get out of rd, no one needs to more than her. She is gonna change the world someday, I promise you that. She's just too big for rd and I'm waiting for her to realize it. I just hope that she has the drive to really leave.
7) My momma and how we're getting our relationship back on track. I'm finally letting go of what happened. I really love her and her strength. She's probably the strongest person I know, emotionally.
8) A job. I really hate not having any sort of income. My parents don't want me to work but I really hate asking them for money.
9) The people I've loved and lost. The hard things I've gone through in my life. And how all of the things I've encountered in my life have made me who I am. So I'm thankful for that I suppose.

Eight Ways To Win Your Heart.
1) Tell me over and over again that you're always going to be there, until I believe it. Then be there.
2) Be confident, confidence is extremely sexy.
3) Hold me in your strong arms all night long.
4) Love me for who I am, idiosyncrasies and all.
5) Make me smile on my worst day.
6) Cook for me and show me off. I want a boy who is just as comfortable staying at home and spending the night looking for recipes while drinking wine as he is going out and showing me off.
7) Spend time with my family, take their beaks, stand up for yourself and for me. Play board games and watch movies and take care of my niece. My family is always going to be a part of my life so make room for them in yours.
8) Be chivalrous and wear a suit. There is nothing sexier than a man in a suit. And you will make my knees weak if you open my door, pull out my chair, give me flowers when you're sorry and chocolates just because you love me. Do nice things just because. I really like just because presents.

Seven Favorite Songs You've Had.
(since i can only pick seven i'm gonna have a separate blog after for this. music is my love.)
1) Stand- Rascal Flatts.
2) She thinks she needs me- Andy Griggs.
3) Everytime I hear your name- Keith Anderson.
4) Inaudible Melodies- Jack Johnson.
5) Fall into me- Emerson Drive.
6) I don't wanna be- Gavin Degraw.
7) I can only imagine- Mercy Me.

Six Things You Do Before Bed.
1) Brush my teeth.
2) Wash my face, take out my contacts.
3) Say goodnight and  I love you to my daddy. and sometimes my sisters, mom, number 12.
4) Most days watch some of a movie or one tree hill.
5) Cuddle with my blankie.
6) Write/cry/think for hours until my brain quits.

Five Things You Wish You Could Say To Five Different People Right This Very Moment.
1) I am more sorry than you will ever know. I truly love you with everything in my heart and I will always be there forever and ever and ever. Trust me, I know what I lost, I only wish I didn't have to put you through what I did to realize it.
2) You're going to change the world someday. I love you and I wish for you to find true happiness even if it means you're a world away.
3) I know you're struggling with this, probably more than I am. We made a mistake and I'm proud of you for telling the truth. You need to to face it though, all of it; the people that love you are still gonna be there after. You're hurting me right now but I'll be okay and I'm still gonna be here when you realize you need me.
4) I really miss our friendship some days and I hope that one day we can be friends again, it was an amazing friendship. I truly want good things for you in life, I want you to be happy and successful and find everything you dream about. Most of all, I hope you never lose who you truly are.
5) You changed my life. I don't know how to express how thankful I am for having been in your class. You made me believe in myself and my self-worth and that I could actually make a difference in this world. You are an amazing teacher and you make a difference in many lives. You've inspired me to be a teacher and inspired me in so many other ways.

Four Things You're Doing Right Now.
1) Watching one tree hill.
2) Sitting on my bed overthinking and analyzing as usual.
3) Drinking water.
4) Thinking about showering and washing my sheets.

Three Things You're Scared Of.
1) Not being enough. Not smart enough, not pretty enough, not good enough.
2) Not being fearless.
3) Not getting my happy ending.

Two Things You Want To Do Before You Die.
1) Fall in love.
2) See the world and all its beauty.

One Confession.
1) I think I'm better than most people. Not in a cocky way, or self-righteous or condescending. I'm better than most people so I expect more from myself, sometimes too much.

in regards to the last one.

my sister sent me that quote today. she tried to tie the brook part to brooke. she reminded me that without everything i've been through, without all the giant rocks i've run into and have beat me, bruised me and broken me, that i wouldn't be who i am.
so i guess i'm saying i'm thankful, for every little thing matters.

it wouldn't be the same without rocks.

"the brook would lose its song if you took away the rocks."

july 28, 2010.

i've had three months to digest this, what i did. and it was less than who i am and i've been putting myself down for these three months, telling myself i'm a bad person; but i'm not. i made a bad decision. it's not who i am nor who i want to be. and i've been making changes and working towards being a better person. being someone that i'm proud of again. i could let this haunt me forever, but what good is that going to do. i want to learn from every mistake i make. i want to become better, stronger from each and every experience in my life. i'm proud of how i've dealt with the last two weeks. it's been hard but it's what i have to do. i need to move forward. even if that means without people i really care about.

who you are is not what you did, you're still an innocent.

it's easy to say you'll never do something until you do. sometimes it just happens. i'm walking proof. i have always been judgemental of people who cheat on a significant other and i have always said i will never do that. and i know that right now people are judging me for cheating on number 12 and you know what go ahead. but think for a second, you've probably done something in your life that you're not proud of. well that's my thing. i always do the right thing, no matter how much it hurts me. i always put other people first. and i always take the brunt of situations. but this time, it just happened. sure there were events that lead up to it and ways i could have and should have prevented it. but this one time i fell short. i made a decision that's less than who i am. it was one night, one choice and no i cannot take it back. but i'm also not going to let it haunt me for the rest of my life.

then i guess we're going through.

the best way out is always through.
-robert frost.

courage is the foundation of integrity.

i'd give anything to take back my integrity.

inspiring one's self.

bravely move forward,
no matter how much you're hurting and how hard it is.

arrogance.

i am a really funny person. i laugh uncontrollably out loud sometimes when i read my blog. i am just so honest on here for some reason. and if i said half the things out loud to people that i say on here, they'd probably like sit in shock then laugh later because some of it is really quite funny.

take your own advice darling.

note to self: trust your instincts.

repeating history and you're getting sick of it.

it's funny you know, how history repeats itself. i am reading back on old blogs and in january this happened and i called out everything that would happen. apparently i need to just trust my instincts because they are usually right. i am pretty good at reading people, and i usually know them better than they know themselves.

don't let me stay in a place where this hate can steal my soul.

i got myself worked up over nothing today,
all the trash that's in my head i gotta throw it away.

the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now.

i don't know how to be something you miss,
never thought we'd have a last kiss;
never imagined we'd end like this.

sheer entertainment.

however, i would love to be a fly on the wall when km finds out about sofa king's friday night adventures.

tc's gf.

she's a cool girl. we aren't really close but we get along and to be honest that's pretty good for us. i know that if i was dating a boy who had the same type of friendship that big brother and i have, i don't think i'd be okay with it. i'm not an overly jealous person but at the same time, i've been the best friend who a boy cheats with so i suppose in this case i look at it as a double standard.
she's been really good about the whole situation, checking on me because she understands as a girl what it's like over how a boy reacts which is all tc has. he's usually pretty good too but he's not here so he can't just give me a hug and tell me it's gonna be okay (which is what boys are best at).
yesterday i told her i apologized and she was like wow that was braveee! and yeah it was ballsy but at the same time, it's who i am. i fucked up and she deserves an apology at the very least from me. she's like when sofa king talks to you all you need to say is yo bud, fuck off. haha the shitty part of that is that i'm not that person, i put other people before myself to a fault which is i think one of the reasons why this whole mess happened. because for one moment, i said fuck this, fuck the consequences, fuck everybody else, right here, right now this is what i want. and i did. i knew it was wrong.
she also told me that she feels bad because i have possibly the worst luck imaginable with boys. i fall for untouchable boys. i fall for boys who are nice as best friends, jerks as boy friends. she also pointed out when i do find a nice boy it's gonna be so easy for me because it will be so different, i won't have to be treated like i have let other boys because this boy is just gonna take care of me.
i dunno she's looking out for me i suppose even though some of her advice is hard, life is so what can ya do.

let go and believe.

i suppose we all have to move on eventually. i mean even when we aren't ready, other people force us to move on. i'm pretty bad for holding onto things so having something force me to move on is usually beneficial for me. the whole sunshine thing, i moved on but i didn't until i heard some drunken words at the bar one night, which is really all i needed to know for 3 years and why i had to move on. with number 12 well that's just a mess. i truly don't think i could live my life without him in it. i've been working on accepting that we are never going to be together again, which is hard but it's only fair to him. and sofa king well let's just say on friday night and the following days since have made it easy.

ashes.

i burnt the letter i wrote sofa king today. not like what i wrote on here, like the real letter that was much more intense. it had more to do with where my head was at before i went home for the weekend. and it was kinda nice to just let it go.
burning it is the only way i know that no one can ever find it, even someone who doesn't know me. burning it means it's gone forever, it's a way to let it go. in fact, i burnt a letter to sunshine once. however, my sister has it on her wall the same piece of writing but it was still a nice release to just let it go.

you never know.

okay, i've just gotta be done. i need to move on, and i'm trying. my head's a mess. i just need to let it all go. and i know that. i hope i have the stength to say fuck you when the time is right. i hope i'm strong enough to do what i know is right instead of give in to temptation.

starts with i'm sorry.

well, i apologized to km. it probably wouldn't make me feel better in that situation but at least i'd have some last shread of respect for the girl who had the balls to apologize to me for cheating with my boyfriend. i'd like to say i did it entirely for that reason but i didn't. apologizing is the right thing to do. and at some point, i've got to stop talking about being a better person and actually start being that person.

everything will be wonderful some day.

everclear- wonderful.

it's like trying to stop a fire with the moisture from a kiss.

it's not the world that i am changing.
i do this so this world will know that it will not change me.

i'm glad i did.

what you did, it's bad; it was wrong. but you're not a bad person. you have the chance to make it right.

don't you think i was too young to be messed with.

you're an expert at sorry and keeping lines blurry.

today is never too late to be brand new.

who you are is not what you did.

your string of lights is still bright to me.

who you are is not what you've been.

that's when you find yourself.

we go through life so sure of where we're headed and we wind up lost and it's the best thing that could of happened. cause sometimes when you lose your way, it's really just as well.

you find yourself in some far off place and it causes you to rethink some things.

you start to sense that slowly you're becoming else,
then you find yourself.

it's all about perspective.

remind me tomorrow to discuss hickey's key points.

i'm tired of the sunset.

i think i'll start a new life.
i think i'll start it over where no one knows my name.

i think i'll go to boston.

you don't know me and you don't even care.
you don't know me, you don't wear my chains.

red wine and good friends.

i love red wine, just saying. also tonight kh came over and i told her what actually happened finally. telling people actually makes me feel better. it's a release. i am an honest person and i don't like having to hide behind things. i think i'm most proud of myself for that in this situation. i know what i did was wrong, but i can't change it so i have to accept it. i ran for 3 months and i was forced to face it. and i think that is the best thing that could happen to me. i'm not afraid to tell you that yeah, i screwed up. it was wrong but i can't take it back. and i've beat myself up about it every single day for 3 months. i know it was wrong, it's done and i've learned from it. nothing left to do but move on and face the consequences.

that's for the smile princess.

there is truly nothing better than receiving a voicenote of your niece's giggles. especially after this week.

consider me a smile in an old photograph.

how 'bout a strong shot of honesty?
don't you owe that to me?

pretty soon she'll figure out what his intentions were about.

and that's what you get for falling again, you can never get him out of your head.

that's what you get for falling again.

she's beautiful as usual with bruises on her ego.
her killer instinct tells her to be aware of evil men.

i'm so glad i'm not in your shoes! yeah, thanks.

you better be careful what you do, i wouldn't wanna be in your shoes.

i've never heard silence quite this loud.

kindly unspoken, you show your emotion
silence speaks louder than words.
it's lucky i'm clever;
if i didn't know better i'd believe only that which i heard.

it's only 30 percent, only.

also, i swear this paper is going to be the death of me. it is 12:48 right now and i have 793 of 1500 words. however this is almost entirely analysis which means that the rest is summary which i have to cut from my first draft. i really need to do well on this, i shouldn't have procrastinated it. it has been a long few weeks, but i suppose that shouldn't be an excuse. who knows, maybe cheating on your boyfriend with your best friend and losing them both within two days of one another doesn't count as a valid reason to be stressed out. i expect no sympathy, i know it was my own fault. however, it is still causing me insane amounts of stress and completely mind fucking me to the point of zero focus.
i'd better get back to it.

so much for speaking now.

well, at least i can say i tried.

thanks, s.

"great minds talk about things, simple minds talk about people. don't worry love."

i like the way it hurts.

how about you stop pretending you care about me and i'll start pretending i don't care about you.

well, here it goes.

i spoke now.

prologue: speak now.

" 'speak now or forever hold your peace,' the words said by preachers at the end of wedding ceremonies all over the world, right before the vows. it's a last chance for protest, a moment that makes everyone's heart race, and a moment that i've always been strangely fascinated by. so many fantasize about bursting into a church, saying what they;d kept inside for years like in the movies. in real life, it rarely happens.
real life is a funny thing you know. in real life, saying the right thing at the right moment is beyond crucial. so crucial, in fact, that most of us start to hesitate for fear of saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. but lately what i've begun to fear more than that is letting the moment pass without saying anything.
i think most of us fear reaching the end of our life, and looking back regretting the moments we didn't speak up. when we didn't say 'i love you.' when we should've said 'i'm sorry.' when we didn't stand up for ourselves or someone who needed help.
these are songs made up of words i didn't say when the moment was right in front of me. these songs are open letters. each is written with a specific person in mind, telling them what i meant to tell them in person. to the beautiful boy whose heart i broke in december. to my first love who i never thought would be my first heartbreak. to my band. to a mean man i used to be afraid of. to someone who made my world very dark for awhile. to a girl who stole something of mine. to someone i forgive for what he said in front of the whole world.
words can break someone into a million pieces, but they can also put them back together. i hope you use yours for good, because the only words you'll regret more than the ones left unsaid are the ones you use to intentionally hurt someone.
what you say might be too much for some people. maybe it will come out all wrong and you'll stutter and you'll walk away embarrassed, wincing as you play it all back in your head. but i think the words you stop yourself from saying are the ones that will haunt you the longest.
so say it to them. or say it to yourself in the mirror. say it in a letter you'll never send or in a book millions might read someday. i think you deserve to look back on your life without a chorus of resounding voices saying 'i could've but it's too late now.'
there is a time for silence. there is a time for waiting your turn. but if you know how you feel, and you so clearly know what you need to say, you'll know it.
i don't think you should wait. i think you should speak now.
love, taylor.
ps. to all the boys who inspired this album, you should've known. "

i love the way you lie.

just gonna stand there and watch me burn;
but that's alright because i like the way it hurts.
just gonna stand there and hear me cry;
but that's alright because i love the way you lie.

just gonna stand here and watch me burn.

i can't tell you what it really is, i can only tell you what it feels like.

oh dan humphrey.

"let your brooklyn dna guide you to righteousness."

it comes down to you.

s,
this is mainly for you. i need your advice because it is going to be completely objective. two posts down, i believe it's called 'sparks fly whenever you smile' is a pretty good example of how i'm feeling right about now. and as you can see messy describes it best. however tc (who has not read it but knows i wrote it) thinks i should send it to sofa king. what do you think?
loveeee
b.

may i have the last dance, our first dance.

then- brad paisley.

my mind forgets to remind me you're a bad idea.

i'm on my guard for the rest of the world but with you i know it's no good.

you're the kind of reckless that should send me running.

drop everything now, meet me in the pouring rain.
kiss me on the sidewalk, take away the pain cause
i see sparks fly whenever you smile.
get me with those green eyes baby as the lights go down.
give me something that'll haunt me when you're not around.
cause i see sparks fly whenever you smile.

speak now.

tswift's new cd is here =)

back to square one.

there is a giant weight lifted off my chest. i really feel a lot better he knows. however now all the progress we've made has relapsed. and now we have to start all over again. it's gonna be a longer journey i think. i hate hurting people and i literally shattered his heart again last night. i didn't want to but i had to; he deserves truth.

here it goes.

speak now.

one night can destroy everything.

i'm going to lose both of them. that's what's hardest. two of my three best friends; best guy friends that treat me good and aren't girls. i just don't know how to function.

i can't even breathe right now.

i'm absolutely mind boggled right now. i'm shaking. and occasionally crying and i don't know how to handle this. it's going to break his heart, it will destroy him. and it means i'm going to lose him. that's the part i can't handle. i've accepted my actions and that i cannot change it and i've been trying so hard to move on and be comfortable with my decision. the hardest part is that i'm not even allowed to talk to sofa king. like at all. and i get her reasoning but it's not going to change anything, it still happened, they're not dating like the whole situation is a joke. it is a completely fucked, went too far clusterfuck of a situation.

one decision.

well i guess the full truth is out. finally. and it's good i think. i just have to tell number twelve before anyone else does.

some choice.

"you either never talk to her again or you never talk to me again. your choice."

me or her?

ultimatums are bullshit. like i legitimately think that they are a complete joke. if you are making someone pick between you and someone else, then you're probably not worth choosing. if someone gave me an ultimatium i would straight up tell them like just for making me have to choose, i choose the other person. if you care about someone you wouldn't want them to have to pick between two people they care about.

nope, not even close.

ha well that didn't go quite the way i planned.